Debating whether to tell step-daughter

[kenmore]

I have been self-debating whether to tell my step-daughter that I'm not asking her to do things because her mother said to leave them both alone.

 

I keep in touch with my step-daughter through text. I think after being her live-in dad for four years (plus knowing her a couple years before that) that just going away is hurtful for us both; but I do feel I need to respect my wife's feelings on the subject of her daughter. At first, she didn't want me contacting her at all for any reason but eventually loosened up to allow keeping in touch.

 

I told my step daughter a few times that I'd like to do things with her occasionally like seeing a movie, having lunch, going to the beach etc. She said she would like that, but there was always a feeling to me that she would rather not. She would say things like "that would be fun but I'm going to be doing a lot of things with my dad this summer." or "we should do that but not for awhile since I did that recently." Regardless I told my wife that I plan to do some things with her daughter and her response is that it would be too painful seeing me and that I need to leave them both alone. Needless to say talk about doing things together has basically stopped.

 

Now I find myself wondering if I should text my step daughter and tell her I want to do things with her but her mother won't allow it or just let it go. I don't want her to feel abandoned by me, but I also don't want to cause any undue strife on their parts. Also, perhaps from my own perspective and my step daughter's, maybe it is better if I just forget about her. I'm not sure what I hope to gain anymore. Though those years I was there for her were formative years and I feel having a male role model around was a good thing for her, I played my part and let's face it, she's a teenager and doesn't want to hang out with an old man anyway.

 

I think I have made up my mind but I thought it would be interesting to hear the perspectives of others. Perhaps people who have gone through the same thing and hearing how it turned out?

 

Ken

[wizer]

Leave them alone.

 

I rarely speak to my step daughter now that we're divorced and she lived with me from about age 7 to age 23.

 

They're not showing any interest in being part of your life anymore.

 

Go make a new family.

[I_Give_Up67]

Sorry Ken, sounds like a painful choice to have to make. You can let her know that yourself and her Mom, feel it best to limit contact for now, to allow all involved to move on. You can

 

always leave the door open for her to contact you if the need ever arises.

 

You don't necessarily have to make her Mom the "evil person", but you should be honest about why you are having to reduce or end your contact with her.

[candie13]

Do not abbandon her or the relationship you have with her. Explain what the Situation is and why you cannot do things with her, but keep intouch.

 

I think abbandoning those you care about is the cruelest most horrible thing anyone can do .

 

Just my 2 cents

[No Limit]

Time to let go. Indeed, she doesn't want to hang out with adults anymore. And your ex would likely prefer to close the old chapter in her life too, hence why she tried to cut you off from the very beginning.

[lollipopspot]

People will have different opinions, but I think you should let her know that you still want to be a part of her life, that you're there for her when she needs you, and that you would like to do things with her when she feels like it or is ready. Ask her if she wants you to keep inviting her places. She may feel that seeing you is being disloyal to her mother, and if so, probably has great difficulty expressing that.

 

But as the adult and a positive influence in her life, I don't think you should give up letting her know that your relationship meant something to you, and is separate from her mother's relationship to you

[lgspot]

Ken,

No need to tell her anything. She's smart enough to figure it out.

The girl's almost 18. She will be making her own choices.

Text her often, even if she doesn't always answer. Be consistent. Handwritten cards on birthdays, holidays, 4th of July, etc... Ask an occasional question about what she might be doing? Tease her about boys. Tell her a joke.

My advice is to keep it light and I wouldn't be surprised to see her open up to you.

Subjects relating to her mother should be avoided. Make it obvious you are avoiding mom topics, without ever saying so.

Kids know more than us adults might expect...

 

Keep it light, consistent, and follow her lead... You'll be rewarded with respect.

Kids just want to be loved.

[kenmore]

Interesting comments and I appreciate them all! Yes, I do need to keep her in my life even if it's just sending an occasional text. That was what I was going to do originally, but as I was washing my car today the thought kept nagging me that she may be wondering where I am with all this fun I promised. I imagine she knows her mom is involved though.

 

You don't necessarily have to make her Mom the "evil person", but you should be honest about why you are having to reduce or end your contact with her.

 

I know what you're saying IGU, but her mom IS the evil person lol. She's exactly why I'm reducing my contact with her. If I was honest, that's what I'd have to say. You are right though, that I shouldn't drag her mom through the mud. SD still loves me and I still love her, that's what counts.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Dunno her age, what kind of bond she developed or how things ended with her mom. I'd just tell her that you will always be there for her if she needs or wants your advice, help, etc. I'd also tell her that you're very sorry things didn't work out between her mom and you & that you feel bad about leaving.