My [lesbian] wife wants to date other people

[Younglost]

I am in a lesbian marriage. Long distance for the whole time of 7 months due to military. We visit each other often and talk every day. A week or so ago i admitted to having sex with a man for the first time out of curiosity 5 months prior to our marriage and she took it very hard. I know now i dont like men at all and since, have not so much as held hands or flirted with anyone. She now wants to take a break to date, kiss, and poasibly have sex with both genders and stay married untill we move in together in 6 months. Im taking this very hard. I dont know if i can stay with her if she does these things. I have been as loving and apologetic as possible and now im giving her some space. Is this ok for her to do and how do i save our marriage before she cheats?

[d0nnivain]

Marriage counseling and lots and lots of communication. You also beg for forgiveness because you cheated while engaged. I'd start by sending her flowers.

[Grumpybutfun]

Are you saying you had sex with the man before you were in a relationship with her? Or, while dating?

G

[Younglost]

We were dating at the time.

[Tayla]

you don't like men? How odd. Can you clarify in what way? Hope you like your male relatives or leaders in your military ranks. Usually a healthy regard for each gender is due to be re-evaluated.

 

As for your pre-marital behavior. Its not to be a bargaining chip for her to behave poorly inside the marriage. You both took a vow, its time to live it. Sorry that she is choosing to hurt you in this way... can you get counseling to see what is at the root of this?

[mightycpa]

I'm confused by the timeline. You've been in a LDR for 7 months, you played for the other team 5 months ago, you've married since then and last week you confessed that you cheated during the relationship? Is that correct? It seems that way.

 

What was the nature of your marriage vows? It seems to me that would be the controlling language.

Edited June 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Younglost]

I have nothing against men what so ever. I meant i know i do not like them in a sexual way. I have dated men in the past but never got physical till then. I have never been emotionally attached to a man other than friend and family love.

Edited June 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks for the clarification. Honestly, this is her attempt to get back at you for cheating on her. Unfortunately, this will only drive you further apart because once she cheats too, you will see her in a different light as far as feeling like she is punishing you.

 

You need to sit down with her and tell her that you understand your culpability and you ask only that she go with you to marriage counseling. Then go see someone and try to build a bridge so you can communicate without rancor.

 

In every instance where I have heard of or observed military couples cheating and then trying to open the marriage so the other person can let their partner know how it feels, it fails and ends in divorce. Figure out why you cheated, affair proof your marriage and try to put things back together again. Nothing good can come from an open marriage just to punish you.

 

Best of luck and thank you for your service from a retired USN Submariner,

Grumps

[carhill]

Since such issues can be commonplace in military service, they may have resources available to assist you. IMO, you have three choices, presuming your spouse is sincere in their desire to have relations with other people:

 

1. Re-write the marital agreement to a mutual meeting of the minds.

 

2. Keep the marriage closed and fidelity maintained and engage a professional to help with the other issues. This may necessitate making choices to end the LDR. It all depends on how important, relevant to other life pursuits, the marriage is.

 

3. Divorce

[Younglost]

I have been seeking counseling on my end but she is unable to at the moment due to lack of resources. I asked that she meet with a marriage counselor when she pulls into port and she said she will think about it. We are not on speaking terms right now because of our constant anger making things worse so we are giving each other some room to think. I appreciate the advice. Divorce is the last thing i want. I know i was wrong for what i did, i just want to know if i can fix it before it becomes a bigger problem. I am unable to change the LDR until December so i need long distance techniques till then.

[Grumpybutfun]

I have been seeking counseling on my end but she is unable to at the moment due to lack of resources. I asked that she meet with a marriage counselor when she pulls into port and she said she will think about it. We are not on speaking terms right now because of our constant anger making things worse so we are giving each other some room to think. I appreciate the advice. Divorce is the last thing i want. I know i was wrong for what i did, i just want to know if i can fix it before it becomes a bigger problem. I am unable to change the LDR until December so i need long distance techniques till then.

 

If you agreed to give her space, then do so but let her know that an open marriage to punish you is out of the question through your e-mails, family grams or phone calls. Tell her you want to save what you have so you hope she won't make emotional decisions until you have time to work on things. Do not let guilt make you give her a hall pass or you will only be feeding the flame of divorce. I was in the Navy for a long time and I saw many things....and hall passes and open marriages even after cheating to stop guilt never worked out for the couple. Write her letters, pour out your heart and work on you to become a better person who knows the value of her marriage and life's partner.

Best,

G

[Chi townD]

Okay, you screwed up and you owned it. But, her saying that she wants to go out and experience both men and other women, well....your screw up shouldn't be a free pass to do whoever she wants.

 

 

If it's gotten to this point. I think you might have to walk away from this marriage. Unfortunately, you opened Pandora's box and she doesn't want to shut it.

[carhill]

Since the OP had sexual relations with a man while dating her spouse, but didn't disclose this until after married, the spouse was denied the choice to analyze the OP's actions and make a healthy choice for themselves whether to marry or not. The deception is the key to that dynamic. The work will be to decide whether the marriage is of sufficient value to work through the past deception and move forward through this transparent disclosure by the spouse that they, too, want to have relations with a man. This is complicated by the LDR, which provides both opportunity as well as emotional and physical distance between the spouses, something I believe is key in mitigating to work on recovering the M to a healthy state.

 

Since the OP asks 'how do I save the marriage before she cheats?', my response is close the distance and work on this in person. Both parties have to want to work to save the marriage but something has to give on the LDR. Also, since the OP is disclosed regarding intent, any actions will be blatant infidelity but not cheating. This delineates the actions from those of the OP, who had relations while deceiving their partner. That is cheating, of course presuming they had an exclusive dating arrangement or relationship at the time.