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Afraid to Divorce and Children Involved


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Hello to all, I haven't made a thread in over 5 years here...but I'm in need of some help with my decision. Everyone if you could please bare with me I'd greatly appreciate it...thank you so much in advance!

 

I've been married to my current wife for roughly 4 years and we have been together for a total of 6 years. When I met her I was 21 YOA and almost immediately moved in together due to unforeseen circumstances. She had 3 children from a prior marriage currently they are 7, 8, and 11. We also have one child together and he's turning 4 in September. Out of the 3 step children I have the two younger boys only know me as their father and no one else. My step daughter being a little older remembers her biological father somewhat.

 

I have displayed resentment towards my step children many times and continue to do a lot of the time although, of course I know it's no fault of their own. I'm not attracted to my wife very much at all, but I do love her and have grown very accustomed to her and the life we live.

 

We've had major problems all the ought our relationship and a lot of times continue to do so. I've tried counseling several times and it hasn't helped much. We haven't done couples counseling becuase with 4 kids and being basically all alone where we live at with no support from family or friends due to them being very far, I've mostly gone alone.

 

She's pretty miserable in the relationship half the times, she's grown to have resettlement towards me and she has a wild sex drive compared to me...my problem isn't not wanting to have sex, I just don't normally want to do it with her.

 

I know he best thing for all of us is divorce...the kids and her would probably be happier...but my concerns are many and they weigh down heavily on me. For example, if we divorced I would be very worried about her getting with someone else, not only because I'd be very jealous as I still love her but because I have no idea how this person would treat my child and my step children!! Also, I feel bad, I'm the bread winner I own a few businesses and she's been a stay at home mom most of our entire relationship, so I can't help but think how will they survive??

 

I know I'll have to pay child support of course, but I'd be worried about alimony as well as my income Has risen above moderate. I honesty owe everything I've amounted to first to God and then my wife as she's been there every step of the way, every struggle, and every tear and heard sweat I shed building up my business. She and the kids have been my motivation to continue to strive, I would feel so so bad not sharing that with them anymore...I would be drowned in guilt. I also worry about family perception and how things will be. Her family will despise and hate me, my family will be vey sad and they absolutely love all of my kids and her to death!

 

I'm scared of being alone, scared of not having someone around, scared of not having a wife anymore who cooks for me and takes care of me. I've grown quite complacent with the way she takes care of me and the kids. But I'm just not in love with her anymore and we fight so much. There's so much verbal abuse everywhere and it's an extremely toxic environment. She's tried to leave and kick me out before, but I've always talked her back or neither of us had the actual intention of going through with it.

 

Over the years I've treated her pretty badly all throughout our relationship and marriage and I've treated he kids badly as well...if I left her I couldn't live with my self due to the guilt that would weigh down on me. I probably wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

 

There has been some physical abuse from my part but we've only had an incident 3 times where I've gotten a it physical but over 3 years ago I said never again and I've never laid a hand on her since. I never hit her but pushed her a bit when she would push me as well. That plays in my mind over and over again, it's torture many times to think of the way I've treated her and the kids and for me to leave is be all alone thinking about those things all day every day.

 

My business is demanding so I can't up and just move I have to stay in the same area...she might move back to New Jersey and I stay in Florida. I'm afraid of not being able to see my child as often. I'm also concerned and will feel so badly when you two younger step children find out I'm not their biological father and when they see me they won't know how to react and whether to still call me "daddy"... I don't want to ruin their lives, but I feel as though I am kind of ruining it for them by me staying longer. I never want to spend time with them or go out with them anywhere...we are mostly unhappy I believe.

 

I need some advice and help being steered in the right direction. My mind and heart is telling me to leave...and allow them to be happy...but my part of my heart wants to try and stay. I really don't know what to do :(

Edited by LiveKhaos
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Clarence_Boddicker

You're pretty selfish. I'm surprised you haven't learned yet that you can't have everything you want, unless you were born rich. It sounds like your kid would be better off if raised by a better father. Part of raising kids is leading by example. What lessons are you teaching your kid about relationships? You need to grow up some. This whole situation is your own making, yet you complain about the outcome.

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Things don't sound good at all. but guilt should not keep you in the marriage though.

 

 

I think if making things work is important enough to you, you can find a babysitter to look after the children and go to MC.

 

 

Having said that, I think you should start with individual counselling. You need to work on aspects of yourself before MC. With IC, you can get to the route and try and establish how to proceed. Otherwise, a real possibility could be you/your wife having an affair, because you have no desire for her. She'll end up feeling unloved, with no attention and seek comfort in the arms of someone else. You have desire, but not for her.

 

 

I felt sad when you said you'd treated the children badly, because they are innocent in all this and that's not fair at all. Why have you treated them badly? and your wife? Is it resentment?

 

 

 

 

The environment is not a good one for the children at all. They should see a better example of a relationship.

 

 

 

 

I'm sure all of you would feel happier out of the current situation. Surely you both deserve happiness elsewhere, rather than subjecting yourselves to this toxic marriage.

 

 

the whole living environment is creating terrible childhood memories for these children. The eldest will feel this is because you are not their real dad and grow up with that in mind.

 

 

You really need to be honest with your wife about how you feel, otherwise she's there without the full information to make an informed choice. It seems right now the reasons your staying are all about you and how you will be affected. A bit about the kids, but more about you.

 

 

That said, she is a grown adult and could decide on her own to do something about the status quo.

 

 

Maybe, you could get to a point of co-parenting and her not moving far away, so you can still see your child regularly. At present , the two of you are not making the home a happy one for them. Stop clinging on to this marriage where you don't love your wife.

 

 

A side note - does your step kids biological father not see them at all.

re they ever going to be told who their father is?

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

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Ante up the child support and tell her that she has to get a job now and you two divorce. Life goes on. It's not uncommon for people to live 3 or 4 different lives in their lifetime due to massive changes. As I said, life goes on. It'll just be different and better if you let it be.

Edited by Popsicle
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you said your not attracted to your wife, but in the past you were attracted to her?

 

do you not find your wife attractive anymore?

do you feel the urge to seek a more beautiful woman?

do you believe that due to your success your entitled?

what are your objectives in life?

 

if you wanna go logic here;

cheaper to keep her, why? with that excuse for a divorce the court will eat you alive.

your wife will get 50% or more of everything including your business.

your wife is a stay at home mom for 4 children the judge will love you for that.

nightmarish end result for you, she gets your business and gets the house and gets the kids. you will be told by the judge to get a job. and all your disposable income goes to child support & alimony. with no hope of a good retirement. forcing you either to commit suicide or flee to another country.

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If you divorce, you will have to pay alimony for a few short years, since you were not married long and she is young and healthy. You will be left with 50% of all of your assets and debts, as will she. That means, she will not get more than you, because 50% is not more. You will have to pay child support though, of course, as you should. She will have to get a job and that will lessen your child support obligation. You can see your kids if you want to, as long as you legally ask for it in divorce. The courts want the kids to see and be raised by both parents.

 

She and her family will be upset for disrupting her comfortable lifestyle but they all will get over it, trust me. As you move on, it's not like you'd continue to be best friends with those people anyway.

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casey.lives

Letting kids live with a false sense of identity will be harder on them in the future, help them start to shape a strong sense of self. it's time to tell those kids the truth, first things first.

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It's like your holding her hostage in this terrible marriage for your own self centred reasons. You only get one life , so it's time to end the marriage and you can both move on to healthier relationships.

 

If you haven't adopted her children , I'm not sure you'd still have to pay child support for them. Surely their biological dad should do that?

 

Best to see a lawyer and check out how a divorce would look for you .

 

Bottom line - the marriage needs to end. There's no point in MC if your not attracted to her and don't love her. MC can't work miracles.

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You're pretty selfish. I'm surprised you haven't learned yet that you can't have everything you want, unless you were born rich. It sounds like your kid would be better off if raised by a better father. Part of raising kids is leading by example. What lessons are you teaching your kid about relationships? You need to grow up some. This whole situation is your own making, yet you complain about the outcome.

 

Yes I know I'm selfish... But if I wanted the opinion of someone who was going to be rude id just ask my wife. You obviously have nothing real constructive to say. What a prick this guy.

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Yes I know I'm selfish... But if I wanted the opinion of someone who was going to be rude id just ask my wife. You obviously have nothing real constructive to say. What a prick this guy.

 

 

 

 

 

I think this situation must be so confusing for your wife. On one hand she thinks you don't want her because of you reject her, but possibly thinks maybe you don't have the courage to end it, then when she decides to try and end it, you worm your way back in. It's very deceptive of you.

 

 

It's good that you have been honest about your past behaviour. I think you took on a woman and 3 kids when you were far too young. that was a recipe for disaster, I don't think you had the maturity to deal with the responsibility of it all.

 

 

At just 27 now, you are still very young and can find someone else that you truly love. In turn allow your wife to find a man who can love her as a husband should.

 

 

The children are seeing a poor example of a relationship and will go on to have such relationships. They need to see a loving and healthy relationship, or they will never know better.

 

 

You admit you're selfish and now you have an opportunity to end that and think of your wife and kids.

 

 

I don't know your wife and I'm not saying she would have an affair, but please bear in mind that the environment you're creating is a potentially dangerous. Some of the reasons given by men and women for having affairs are:

 

 

  • rejection by their spouse
  • feeling unloved
  • no affection
  • no attention

 

Plus, it's just a really toxic and horrible marriage.

 

 

She'd be in a vulnerable state and just imagine a guy comes along and showers her with the affection and attention you haven't, because you have no desire for her........ then what? She ends it, because she knows she should be getting treated better and someone else will treated her better.

 

 

I'm no supporter of affairs, but I'm also realistic. This won't go well if you don't realise you need to be fair to everyone, because your keeping her in this marriage under false pretences. False, because she doesn't know how you truly feel.

 

 

You say you love her, but I think you more want control of the situation. You have no desire for her, but you don't want another man to desire her.

 

 

You mentioned God, so I assume you have some religious belief. Please be fair and 'do unto others as you would like done unto you'

 

 

Mrs. Trishern

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I really appreciate everyone's reply. To answer a few of the questions, I do care about the kids and believe me that's one of the MAIN reasons I am hesitant to abandon them. They've already been abandoned by their biological father...like literally abandoned and he hasn't had any communication with them in over 5 years.

 

I don't want to ruin any more kids lives anymore than I have. It's not that I don't love them, but that I feel resentment, and I do know and realize that they have no fault at all but I can't help what I feel. I've tried many times to divert my feelings and thoughts with little success. Another thing is, I do love my wife very very much, and although my post came out extremely selfish and only focused mostly on me, it's because I wrote it in a panic and didn't put much thought into everything I wanted to get out.

 

It will deeply hurt me if they weren't able to call me dad anymore and they saw me as a monster who abandoned them. I want them to be happy and have a good life as well.

 

Sorry for the late response I am limited on time and will write more when I am able to. Once again thank you for all of your responses

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