Should I end my separation?

[Clueless53]

So my W and I have been separated for 3 weeks now. Today is the 11 year aniversery of our first date, October might be our 8 year wedding aniversery.

 

I was a crappy husband. I ignored my W, didn't show her I love her, didn't show her I appreciated her, didn't make her a priority, etc. In February due to financial reasons (I am a fulltime student, she works, landlord raised our rent) we moved into separate houses. Me with my father, my W and kids with her mother, neither house could accommodate the entire family. We were having problems because of me, I wasn't feeling loved but I see now that's because of how I treated her.

 

Over the next few months things got worse, big fights, yelling, no love. When I was asked for the official trial separation it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew she was unhappy but not this unhappy. I've been trying to handle the separation like she wants but I keep getting in my own way, I'm working on that now, it's getting better.

 

I think my only hope to win her back is to let her go. Over the last 3 weeks she keeps telling me she doesn't know what to do. She can't make a decision. I could never really get her to open up. We have been seeing a MC but haven't seen him since before our separation started, our next appointment is this Sunday.

 

Last night we had a really good talk, a lot of crying, but she finally opened up to me. I learned that in February she wanted a divorce, was ready for it to be over. I have caused her a lot of pain and she doesn't know if she can take anymore, especially for the rest of her life. I have acknowledged my faults and promise to change, I know a promise isn't enough I have to show it, I'm working on that. She loves me, I love her, we have two kids together, she wants to be with me, but doesn't know if she can take being with me. She wants space, wants to see how she handles being alone. She says she wants me to show her I can be the husband she needs, I'm trying but don't feel like I get the opportunitit's I need because she wants space.

 

Now there is another variable, another guy. I asked if there was someone else a few days ago, she confirmed my suspicion. She was asked on a date but told him now is not the appropriate time, but still texts him, a lot. She says they just talk about "stupid stuff", I told her it hurts. I asked if her talking with him is filling the void I created. She said yes, she said she likes talking to someone where our history isn't an issue. She said she isn't even interested in him romantically and has no desire to date him. She says it's not romantic but a distraction. I still feel threatened by him.

 

I feel if she need time to figure out what she wants and for me to show her change another guy should not be in the equation. I see the usage on our cell and know when she is texting him and not me. Last night she told me she was tired and might fall asleep on me and then never answered back, that was at 945, I found out this morning she was texting him until 1am.

 

To me they are in a courtship, she may be truthful in saying shes not interested in him romantically but I feel there is still a lot of bonding and flirting happening between them. I told her last night that we have our date night Saturday and Mc Sunday. I told her as of Monday if she is still talking to him I will have to walk away. I love my wife more then anything, I don't want to but I feel I need to let her go. I don't know what to do.

 

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated, I'm lost.

[Satu]

Regardless of what you do, if the marriage is to prosper she has to cut contact with the other guy.

 

For me that would be a non-negotiable issue.

 

The fact of her involvement with somebody else makes me think that she isn't really open to reconciliation at the moment.

 

You should stick to your guns and walk away if she won't cut contact with him.

 

If she does cut contact there could be a real chance of repairing the marriage.

 

Good luck.

[Clueless53]

To me it sounds like she wants to end the marriage and divorce but is looking for something to show her if her decision is right. It sucks but I've told her that she's right. I've been a horrible husband and she doesn't deserve me, she deserves better. I'm apologized, expressed how much I wish I could go back and slap myself in the face and wake up, but I can't. I told her I don't deserve another chance and don't blame her if she won't give me one, but I want one.

I want her to stop talking with the other guy, it will be a huge topic of discussion at our MC session this sunday, but I will walk away if she doesn't stop.

Honestly I think that is the only chance of saving my marriage. She has to see how she feels without me. Either she will miss me and want me back or she will be happier.

 

I told her as much as it sucks her happiness is my priority from this point on. If she is happiest without me, that's what I want for her.

[Popsicle]

I was feeling empathy for her and was going to tell you to hang in there all the way up to the point that you mentioned that she's seeing another guy. Im sorry but your wife doesn't want you, and is just waiting to see if someone better comes along, but if they don't, then she might settle for you, because she hates being alone. But the truth is, since she's getting everything she needs from you while having space, she will want to keep it that way indefinitely, and just always keep you hanging onto hope. What's missing is her desire to be with you.

 

So,yes, end it.

[Clueless53]

I get a lot of mixed signals from her, I guess that's because she is unsure herself. I told her last night that I take full responsibility for our situation. My actions or in actions over so many years cause our separation, but her actions from this point will decide our future.

 

I asked her if she wanted me to completely stop all contact with her while she takes her time to decide and she broke down and lost it. She told me that's not what she wants, she wants to talk to me and be around me but can't pretend like everything is OK anymore. She tells me she wants to grow old with me, but doesn't know if she can.

 

For the next few days I'm going to compete for my wife. We started having text conversations about "stupid stuff" pretending we don't already know everyth I ng about each other. The conversations go great, she is engaged and I get excited. I'm trying to give her the guy she needs before becoming the husband she needs.

 

Monday is the hard deadline, if she can't break contact with the other guy, I'm walking away.

 

I'm scared, it sucks. I don't know if she will stop talking to him, and I don't know if walking away will work. But I think I have to, I think it's our only chance.

[66Charger]

Take your time. Good luck

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm scared, it sucks. I don't know if she will stop talking to him, and I don't know if walking away will work. But I think I have to, I think it's our only chance.

 

What do you think would be her reaction were you to be involved with another woman during your attempt to reconcile ???

 

To me, you've made two mistakes. The "separate houses" move in February was wrong, that's not how marriage/family works. If necessary, you fight to stay together.

 

Tolerating her EA - if that's all it is? - is the second problem. She's holding you as her back-up Plan B in case things don't move ahead with new guy.

 

If you're OK with that, don't change a thing ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clueless53]

I'm definitely not OK with her talking to him. That's why I said after this weekend if she is still talking to him I'm going to walk away. She didn't want to show it but I could tell by her body language and facial expressions the thought of me walking away upset her.

 

Yes the move was a terrible idea, I accepted it because I'm an idiot. I didn't realize at the time how bad things between us were. To me I saw it as the opportunity to see what it felt like being single, it wasn't until last night that I found out that in February she was ready to divorce.

 

So many things make me believe there is hope, but then so many things make me think there isn't any.

 

We are going to take it one day at a time. So far today has been good, we've been talking through texts and she called me on lunch. I want to be super romantic but I know that's the wrong thing to do, I'm stuggling to find the happy medium.

 

 

We are going on a date tomorrow and I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink when I get off shift tonigh . She said she is tired and just wants to go to bed. I totally get that and again we are getting together tomorrow but her day has been pretty crappy, I want to do something to make her feel better. I was thinking about dropping by her house real quick and bringer her a small bouquet of flowers (just a couple nothing big) today is our 11 year anniversary of our first date but I don't know how she will take it. I don't want to upset her but want her to know I care about her.

 

Thoughts?

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

What do you think would be her reaction were you to be involved with another woman during your attempt to reconcile ???

 

To me, you've made two mistakes. The "separate houses" move in February was wrong, that's not how marriage/family works. If necessary, you fight to stay together.

 

Tolerating her EA - if that's all it is? - is the second problem. She's holding you as her back-up Plan B in case things don't move ahead with new guy.

 

If you're OK with that, don't change a thing ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree. Sucks that finances forced separate living arrangements but that definitely was a big mistake. Cutting contact with you at 945 but texting this other guy to 1:00am seems like more than just a "friend". Seems like she engaging in your replacement. I would definitely move the deadline to ASAP because you better believe this guy is moving in for the score and your wife seems game. If she doesn't accept the ASAP end to this "friendship", move on. Thats all you can do...

[Clueless53]

Part of me believes her when she said its nothing, but I don't know if its just because I want to. I messed up big time, I wasn't there for her and she hurt for so long she doesn't know what to do. Again she says it's just them talking about "stupid stuff" but again why act like you pretended to fall asleep and keep texting him.

 

Part of me also thinks she is doing this to either make me realize I need to step up, or to make me feel bad. I asked her and she said she is not doing it to make me feel bad, but didn't answer regarding if it was to make me step up. She's not hiding that she is talking to him, she knows I look at the text message usage all the time. When I asked she admitted it, this makes me feel like she wants me to know, I just am unsure about her motive.

 

I'm giving her the weekend, I feel if I tell her to stop immediately it will make her mad and confirm that I don't get her feelings. If she is looking for someone to talk to about "stupid stuff" without having to talk about us then I want to be that person. If its not romantic but shes "using him as a distraction" (her words last night) then again I want to be that person.

 

Today has gone pretty good although I wasn't sure how it was going to go considering the start.

 

I woke up at 5am to get ready for my shift, looked at the usage and saw they were talking until 1am.

 

The last text I sent her last night

945pm, "Guess you fell asleep, goodnight"

 

I sent her two texts when I saw the usage

500am, "or you didn't, :("

505am, "You have to choose, last night you did"

 

Since then we have talked all day, everything seems to be going good. Yes I have checked the usage, she has sent him 2 texts today @9am and noon, nothing back from him yet.

 

This just started Tuesday night, but it has to stop. Since it started the texts were until late at night and first thing in the morning. I told her that means while I'm at home thinking about you and us, the first and last thought on your mind is him. She seemed hurt when I said that. So only two texts is a huge difference but I'm curious to see how tonight goes.

 

I'm taking the weekend to win her back, or at least try. We will definitely discuss all of this at our MC appointment on Sunday. Until then I will not bring it up.

 

If she stops, we have a chance.

 

If she doesn't, I walk away.....

[Clueless53]

We are going on a date tomorrow and I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink when I get off shift tonigh . She said she is tired and just wants to go to bed. I totally get that and again we are getting together tomorrow but her day has been pretty crappy, I want to do something to make her feel better. I was thinking about dropping by her house real quick and bringer her a small bouquet of flowers (just a couple nothing big) today is our 11 year anniversary of our first date but I don't know how she will take it. I don't want to upset her but want her to know I care about her.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Anyone have feedback on handling tonight?

[Satu]

I think you're taking more than your fair share of the blame for whats gone wrong.

 

Maybe you haven't been as good a husband as you could have been, but it doesn't mean that all that needs to be done is you making greater efforts.

 

I would not meet up with her again until she's ditched the other guy.

 

For you to do so is demeaning.

 

"We can meet up when you've cut contact with Mr X," would be better.

 

Do you want to go out with your wife, knowing that she'll be chatting with Mr X when she gets home?

 

Consider your own dignity and self-respect.

[Clueless53]

I think you're taking more than your fair share of the blame for whats gone wrong.

 

Maybe you haven't been as good a husband as you could have been, but it doesn't mean that all that needs to be done is you making greater efforts.

 

I would not meet up with her again until she's ditched the other guy.

 

For you to do so is demeaning.

 

"We can meet up when you've cut contact with Mr X," would be better.

 

Do you want to go out with your wife, knowing that she'll be chatting with Mr X when she gets home?

 

Consider your own dignity and self-respect.

 

I definitely don't this, the thought of her talking to someone else makes we want to puke,

 

I've done a lot of damage, sure she didn't always act perfectly in our marriage, but what I see now is her actions were because of my own. I'm not saying she's perfect, no one is, but I'm the issue for right now.

 

Last night I tested something, I kissed her. I wanted to know if there was still something behind it. After the kiss she broke down in tears, when asked she said "it breaks my heart". I asked if it breaks her heart because there is nothing there anymore and she feels bad for me.? She told me it breaks her heart because there is "still something there" she wants to be with me but dosent not if she can take it.

 

There is a lot of pain that I have caused over the years, way too long to put here, I have a separate post with more details.

 

I told her she is right to want to divorce me, I don't deserve another chance, but I want one. I told her I will change, I see the pain I have caused and how I did it. I have promised to spend the rest of my life making it up to her if I'm given the chance. I told her regardless of her decision I will support her, either as her H or her XH.

 

If her talking to the other guy truly isn't romantic and just to "fill the void between us" that I created then I feel that if I tell her she has to stop talking to him today she will see it as me not listening to her feelings and not understanding which will push us further away. Instead I'm taking a few days to fill that void so he isn't needed.

 

If she stops by Monday then it truly wasn't romantic and just a distraction from reality.

 

If she doesn't then it is something more and I'm taking myself out of the equation.

 

Does that make any sense or am I just clinging on to any hope I can find?

[Satu]

If she stops by Monday then it truly wasn't romantic and just a distraction from reality.

 

*If she doesn't then it is something more and I'm taking myself out of the equation.

 

Does that make any sense or am I just clinging on to any hope I can find?

 

I can't tell you that what you are doing is wrong. You have to act on your own best judgement.

 

Hope has a high value.

 

If she doesn't cut off from the other guy, there is no future for the two of you together, but you know that.

 

*Stick to your guns.

 

 

Take care.

[Clueless53]

I can't tell you that what you are doing is wrong. You have to act on your own best judgement.

 

Hope has a high value.

 

If she doesn't cut off from the other guy, there is no future for the two of you together, but you know that.

 

*Stick to your guns.

 

 

Take care.

 

I'm gonna take it one day at a time, but when the time comes I'll do what's needed.

 

I am looking for some feedback on my plans for our date tomorrow.

 

We live in FL, I don't want to be over the top romantic, I've tried that and was told I was smothering her, but I want it to be good. Dinner and a movie is too boring and routine, it was the go to date in our past and I told her that although today marks the last 11 years of our relationship it is also the start of our future.

 

About 2 hours away is Clearwater Beach, neither of us have been. They have a nightly sunset festival on the boardwalk that I want to take her to. I figure it is romantic since we will be able to walk on the beach at sunset, sure there will be a lot of people but we will still have plenty of privacy. Also during the celebration (2hrs before and after sunset) they have lots of street performers and vendors which gives us an opportunity to have fun together too. And then when we are ready there are a lot of great local seafood restaurants for us to go to.

 

Is that too much, too little, or a good balance?

[Satu]

About 2 hours away is Clearwater Beach, neither of us have been. They have a nightly sunset festival on the boardwalk that I want to take her to. I figure it is romantic since we will be able to walk on the beach at sunset, sure there will be a lot of people but we will still have plenty of privacy. Also during the celebration (2hrs before and after sunset) they have lots of street performers and vendors which gives us an opportunity to have fun together too. And then when we are ready there are a lot of great local seafood restaurants for us to go to.

 

Is that too much, too little, or a good balance?

 

It sounds like a nice event.

 

Just do it, if thats what you want to do.

 

Enjoy it.

[Clueless53]

**** UPDATE ****

 

As of right now there still isn't any text messages between my W and the other guy showing in the usage.

 

I'm not sure if this means she stopped texting him, or if now she is deciding to hide the communication better.

 

I hope it means she has stopped, its still on my mind all the time.

 

I still haven't made up my mind on if I will surprise her with flowers tonight or not. If I do it will just be to say happy anniversary and drop off the flowers. I just don't know how she will take it. I want her to appreciate it not hate it.

 

I hate being so confused and uncertain.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still haven't made up my mind on if I will surprise her with flowers tonight or not. If I do it will just be to say happy anniversary and drop off the flowers. I just don't know how she will take it. I want her to appreciate it not hate it.

 

I hate being so confused and uncertain.

 

If you're seeing her tomorrow night, the gesture tonight strikes me as needy.

 

Even if you're driving me somewhere, as the passenger I still have responsibility for the trip. I can say "we're going the wrong way", "you're driving too fast" or "we're running out of gas". What I can't do is sit quietly for miles and blame you for the wrong destination.

 

Unless there's infidelity or abuse, one spouse doesn't destroy a marriage by him or herself, it takes two to tango even if you're dancing poorly. And so it follows it takes two to successfully repair a relationship.

 

I see you jumping through every hoop. planning romantic dinners and buying flowers. I see her ... talking to another guy.

 

Slow down a little and think...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

I support your attitude about the other guy and your ultimatum. It is a clear and effective approach.

 

But I would like to suggest an opposite view.

 

To be a good husband is also to respect her needs. When she says she is not interested him romantically, and she has never dated him, he is to be considered as a friend, although he has his intentions.

 

You said you want to be her partner for distraction talks, you want to be her partner for venting talks etc... Well i can tell you - No man can be everything for his wife. I can happen 1 of a million. YOu want her to trust you?

 

You can show up in the MC and say that you were going to make an ultimatum, but since you love her and think she deserves to have a full life, as long as this man is only a friend, as much as it hurts you, you allow it and even support it.

 

But she must promise that in the minute it changes, the minute it becomes an EA or dates, she must tell you, that's the day you're walking away.

 

It can be a proof for her for how far you've changed. Just a thought...

Edited June 28, 2015 by lolablue17

[Emily2105]

I am a woman in the position of your wife. We have had 20 years together. I am touched that you are making an effort even as you are not living together. I do not have effort from my DH. We both look at counseling as a tool not a solution. We go together and seperately, honestly he goes if convenient (serious hint for me). My DH was advised to read "Hold Me Tight" but has not (I accept the choice). A good couselor/your honesty and you can get pointed in the right direction in one visit. What I am saying is own your part, she owns her part. Do what you can out of respect to get both of you to a healthy/happy place but be prepared to let it go also even if to protect yourself. Practice forgiveness, mainly of yourself, Jack Kornfield has great videos on YouTube. The realization of your part is admirable, process the guilt and let it go. Either way maybe then you can form a healthy relationship, perhaps even start over with her.

 

Love her how she needs, ask her what she needs and you share the same. The Five Love Languages is good. Go slow, ask her what she expects and try to meet that...ie lots of romance might instill protecting herself against letting her guard down w/ you. I know at this point it does for me. Take it slow and keep communications open. We used to read a chapter of one of those books together and use that as a conversation starter. Honesty to work together even if it means putting aside the marriage to preserve the friendship is important to us.

 

It is good that she has shared the texting the other guy. I would never look at the phone of my partner. The trust must exist on its own. Tell her you are not ok with it, emotional affairs are real. Give her a chance to get to know the changed you and it must be actions not words. Best wishes.

[Clueless53]

I appreciate all the feeback and wanted to provide an update if you haven't seen my more recent posts.

 

Today I told my W I want a divorce.

 

The OM turned into an EA, she went on 3 "dates" with him. She said they weren't dates but after a lot of effort she finally told me they did kiss once at the end of their last meeting.

 

She said the kiss was nothing. I don't know who initiated the kiss her or him. I honestly don't care about the kiss, if she slept with him I wouldn't care. I want my marriage to work, but it's over.

 

She still says she doesn't know what she wants, she says she still loves me but doesn't know if she wants to love me.

 

I'm tired of waiting. I need to move on.

[oldshirt]

I appreciate all the feeback and wanted to provide an update if you haven't seen my more recent posts.

 

Today I told my W I want a divorce.

 

The OM turned into an EA, she went on 3 "dates" with him. She said they weren't dates but after a lot of effort she finally told me they did kiss once at the end of their last meeting.

 

She said the kiss was nothing. I don't know who initiated the kiss her or him. I honestly don't care about the kiss, if she slept with him I wouldn't care. I want my marriage to work, but it's over.

 

She still says she doesn't know what she wants, she says she still loves me but doesn't know if she wants to love me.

 

I'm tired of waiting. I need to move on.

 

One thing you are going to learn here on the forums is WSs speak a different language. "Just friends" means someone they are very attracted to sexually and are making time with. "Met a friend" means they had a date. "We had some inappropriate conversations and texts" means they have strong feelings for each other and may have had sex. "We are just there for each other for support" means it's at minimum an EA but a good chance they have had sexual contact.

 

"We only kissed." Means they've had sex.

 

"We kissed but didn't it didn't mean anything," means they had sex

 

"We only made out and maybe a little bit of oral." Means they had sex.

 

"We did some stuff a little bit but it wasn't very good and he had a small d!ck." Means they had sex and it was good and he has a bigger d!ck.

 

"I know you walked in the bedroom and caught us in the act (or the PI has pictures) but that was the first and only time we did it" means it's been going on a long time.

 

"Yes we've been seeing each other but I'll break it off with him/her and work on our marriage " means I'm going to play the both of you untill I can determine which will be the bigger better deal.

 

And finally for the one that matches your specific case, " I don't see long term potential with him, (or he's an *******. He/she isn't for me etc)" means this one didn't work out but I am going to keep dating and screwing others untill I find the one I want and it is not going to be you in any case.

 

 

So in others words, take anything she says and multiply it times a factor of ten and that will give you a rough idea of how bad it really is.

[Mr. Lucky]

And finally for the one that matches your specific case, " I don't see long term potential with him, (or he's an *******. He/she isn't for me etc)" means this one didn't work out but "I am going to keep dating and screwing others untill I find the one I want and it is not going to be you in any case."

 

I'll just add "...unless I get really desperate or financially destitute. Then I might return and resent you for taking me back"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clueless53]

90% of me doesn't think she slept with him or did anything other then kiss him. The other 10% thinks she did.

 

I can get over the fact that she slept with him, as long as she tells me if she sticks to saying she didn't and we try to work things out and I later found out she did it would be over.

 

I don't think she cheated because she has seen first hand how it effects people. Her mother was cheated on by every man she's been with, same with her aunt and every other woman she knows.

 

But part of me thinks she did. I doubt she would ever admit to it if she did.

 

Part of me feels like she is putting me through hell because she did sleep with him. I feel like she feels guilty about it and even if we were to move on and work things out she is afraid she would always feel guilty about it so she doesn't want to work things out. I also feel like that even though I've told her many times I would be OK with it and we could move past it shes afraid if she admits to it I'll always use it against her.

 

The one real reason why I think she didn't sleep with him is because the one week that they were talking was "that time" for her and I know that NO woman would ever sleep with a guy for the first time during that time.

 

Or I'm just wishing for the best, I honestly don't know what to think.

 

I just wish I knew the truth.

 

I've been thinking about texting him, just so I could know the full story. But I'm pretty sure that would be the end of everything. At least then I would know the truth.

[oldshirt]

90% of me doesn't think she slept with him or did anything other then kiss him. The other 10% thinks she did.

 

I can get over the fact that she slept with him, as long as she tells me if she sticks to saying she didn't and we try to work things out and I later found out she did it would be over.

 

I don't think she cheated because she has seen first hand how it effects people. Her mother was cheated on by every man she's been with, same with her aunt and every other woman she knows.

 

But part of me thinks she did. I doubt she would ever admit to it if she did.

 

Part of me feels like she is putting me through hell because she did sleep with him. I feel like she feels guilty about it and even if we were to move on and work things out she is afraid she would always feel guilty about it so she doesn't want to work things out. I also feel like that even though I've told her many times I would be OK with it and we could move past it shes afraid if she admits to it I'll always use it against her.

 

The one real reason why I think she didn't sleep with him is because the one week that they were talking was "that time" for her and I know that NO woman would ever sleep with a guy for the first time during that time.

 

Or I'm just wishing for the best, I honestly don't know what to think.

 

I just wish I knew the truth.

 

I've been thinking about texting him, just so I could know the full story. But I'm pretty sure that would be the end of everything. At least then I would know the truth.

 

 

You have so much to learn Grasshopper.