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My wife cheated, and wont reconcile


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My wife and I have been married for 6 years, co-habiting for 10 years and been together for 13 years. We have 3 children, 7, 4 and 1. I run my own business, which is successful and still growing, we have a nice family home in a lovely town in the UK. I am a good father and loving husband.

 

We have a fairly normal marriage, we argue about money occasionally or about doing household chores. But mainly when we are tired or stressed out. She has always been the more confrontational one of the two of us, and I tend to placate.

 

She is very principled, is a great mother and had been a loving and faithful wife.

 

We are the same age, have good friends and loving families.

 

However.....

 

6 weeks ago I caught my wife cheating on me with a work colleague. She has promised that this was the first and only time it happened. She begged me to stay, and said she would do anything to keep me.

 

Initially, I took a few days away from the house, and came to the conclusion that our marriage was important, I still love her, and we have 3 beautiful children together. So I returned to the family home and said that I wanted to reconcile, go to counselling and save our marriage.

 

At which point she said she wanted some space, as she was shocked at her actions, and didn't know what she wanted anymore. So I backed off and gave her a week to have some space.

 

In that week, when I had all 3 children for a day, she went to see the guy who she cheated on me with, and apparently he poured his heart out and said he loved her and would do anything to be with her!

 

It was only after she had been to see him that she then starting having doubts about our marriage reconciliation. 3 days later she said that the marriage was over and she wanted to separate. So I moved out to my parents house in the next town, and we agreed to share looking after the children.

 

In the meantime we were still being intimate with each other (last time was last week!), and this has never been an issue in our relationship. She says she wants to be best friends and that I am still the most important man in her life (we still get on, and can make each other laugh easily). But I know whenever I have the children she is with him, and sleeping in his bed.

 

He is 12 years older (45), has a pretty crappy job, and not as physically attractive as me (her words).

 

I am in turmoil, because I still love her, regardless of this sordid affair. I feel like he is manipulating her at a difficult point in her life. As she looks after 3 young children, and also works 2 days a week.

 

She has now said that our marriage is over, and that I should move on. Which I find hard to take as we seemed to be happy only 6 weeks ago!

 

I try not to contact her unless it is about the children, but admit I do have the odd weak moment, and tell her that I still love her.

 

I have started on anti-depressants, which I hope will help.

 

Is there any hope for a future reconciliation, or am I being blinded by love? I still believe we have a connection (physically and emotionally).

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Is there any hope for a future reconciliation, or am I being blinded by love? I still believe we have a connection (physically and emotionally).

 

Unfortunately, I'd say no. I think that your marriage has really ended.

Your wife's affair didn't create the end of your marriage. In fact, your relationship as a couple was already crumbling. That's why your wife indulged in the affair.

 

I'm sorry. Reading your post it seems that you're still in love with your wife. Unfortunately, it seems the same does not apply to her.

What I'm going to say may sound harsh or rude (and it may or may not be true - it's just an oppinion): your wife has grown bored with your marriage. She now desires a different sort of life. New sex partners. New men to interact with.

 

You may think that your wife was in love with you until 6 weeks ago. But the fact is that her feelings had most likely changed in these last couple of years. The problem is that, instead of discussing these issues with you, she decided to hide her feelings and try to work things out by herself.

It's a thing many women do. Most divorced women I know confessed to me that they declared their marriages "dead" at least an year or two before they decided to "pull the plug"(divorce).

 

Your wife's affair was most likely the catalyst that finally gave her the strength to quit the marriage.

Honestly, I don't think there's much you can do. If you read the stories in LS you'll understand that, in cases like yours, the best thing to do is to end things as soon and with as most dignity as possible.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. These things are never easy. You've to be strong for your 3 kids.

Keep posting here and asking for advice. There are very good and wise people here who are willing to help you and provide good advice.

 

Again: be strong. Things will get better.

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Expose them both to there work and there family's. Some companies actually wont put up with that and they will fire them. Let her deal with that for a while. You need to seek legal advice and start divorce. Let her know your serious. See even if she drops this with this OM she needs to know there are consequences for her actions.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

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You caught her, you have no idea long it has been going on. She told you she needed space so she could be with the other man.

 

You are now being demoted to friend and caregiver. You are plan B. In my opinion there is no hope.

 

You are attached to her and it will take time to break the attachment but it is worth it. I have been down a similar road. It stinks especially with the kids. Mine was grown so it made it easier.

 

Good luck and keep posting. It helps.

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Please read the Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce that is on here. You need to implement the 180. I'm sorry your going through this. My husband cheated on me and left me for another woman. At the beginning l wanted everything to go out back to the way it was. I was desperate, pleading and doing anything l could to talk sense into him. I can tell you know that l'm glad we didn't work out and he stayed with the OW. I would have never been able to trust him again. My life is on route for better things and l'm in a healthy relationship. Please seek support from a Counsellor, that was critical for me. Good Luck

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I Just Wanna b Happy

Leave. Your wife is a liar and has no respect for you or your children.

 

She says she wants to be best friends and that I am still the most important man in her life

 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. You're the most "important" man in her life yet all it took was for the other guy to sweet talk her and she's no longer remorseful about the affair and doesn't even want to reconcile. riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Fact is, your wife's disgusting. Sleeping with two guys at one time and obviously doesn't even care.

 

I was a doormat to a pos woman for years. Hell, I still struggle with our separation. But you know what? I finally can admit that she's a pos that is not worth a dollar menu burger, let alone a marriage to me. Your wife is the same. Leave. Now...

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Well, you made some pretty rookie mistakes in my opinion. If she said she needed space, you should have said, "There's the door! Go get your space." YOU shouldn't have left the house. Now, you're living with your parents?!?! Why?!?! YOU did nothing wrong! Move back into your house and do it now. Tell her that this is your house too until the divorce is final. If she doesn't like it, there's the door. No one is going to stop her.

 

 

Then, go to the bank and if you have joint savings accounts and checking accounts, then take 50% out of both and start up new accounts in your name only. Have your checks direct deposited into those accounts. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your are legally liable to provide financially while you're separated. Then, look up Doing the 180 in a Marriage and start doing it.

 

 

Believe me, you're not being an asshat by doing this stuff. You're letting her see that life is going to be a lot more tough for her because of a divorce. That she won't be able to depend on you anymore.

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Yet another guy who's surprisingly ok with his wife cheating ....

 

OP, do you want to restore the marriage to it's original state or are you content w/'sharing' your wife or do you want to end it?

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whichwayisup

Tell her to pack a bag and go be with the OM co worker. You stay in the house with the kids.

 

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, co-habiting for 10 years and been together for 13 years. We have 3 children, 7, 4 and 1.

 

How selfish is she to put your marriage and your young children's lives at risk.

 

This is extremely sad and I'm sorry that you're going through this. Rely on your family and good friends to support you during this painful time.

 

Expose her to your family and also to her family. No way is ANY of this your fault. This is all on her. Her choosing to betray and cheat on you, now wanting a D, leaving you for him is ridiculous! She's in a total fog if she thinks life will be better with him.

 

Call a lawyer, protect yourself in case she tries to pull a fast one on you.

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Well, you made some pretty rookie mistakes in my opinion. If she said she needed space, you should have said, "There's the door! Go get your space." YOU shouldn't have left the house. Now, you're living with your parents?!?! Why?!?! YOU did nothing wrong! Move back into your house and do it now. Tell her that this is your house too until the divorce is final. If she doesn't like it, there's the door. No one is going to stop her.

 

 

Then, go to the bank and if you have joint savings accounts and checking accounts, then take 50% out of both and start up new accounts in your name only. Have your checks direct deposited into those accounts. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your are legally liable to provide financially while you're separated. Then, look up Doing the 180 in a Marriage and start doing it.

 

 

Believe me, you're not being an asshat by doing this stuff. You're letting her see that life is going to be a lot more tough for her because of a divorce. That she won't be able to depend on you anymore.

 

Yep. And file for divorce, even if your hope is to reconcile. Sometimes reality hitting them in the middle of the forehead like a hammer can be a wake up call. Right now, you're allowing her to cake eat. Why would she change anything?

 

Read up on that 180, as suggested by others. By filing and doing the 180, you may have a chance. If you avoid those things, you clearly don't respect yourself. And she won't respect you either. And a woman that doesn't respect her man cannot love him.

 

It's time to show strength and leadership.

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Ant

 

The advice here is very hard hitting, and I wouldn't be surprised if you're gulping now!

 

People do occasionally go off the rails for a bit as part of some life crisis. Sometimes it's the climax of a longer standing doubt about the relationship and sometimes it's for more random reasons.

 

Read up on 180 (some excellent pages on LS) and follow it closely. You do it for yourself, but it's the best way of winning a wayward spouse's respect back quickly. And crucially - will help you maintain your dignity, which you shouldn't underrate at any cost.

 

Best of luck

 

Beechy

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I saw my wife this morning, as we had to sort an issue out with the car. We then took all the children to school, and then she dropped me at work.

 

In the car she said that she does miss me, and she hates what she has done to our family. This weekend my 7 year old was not in a good way, and very upset. Just wanting his Daddy all the time.

 

She also said that she still loves me, and we are all going for a family meal together tonight.

 

Is this a sign that she maybe regretting her decision? She has said that things in her new relationship are not easy (mainly because of the way in which they've got together).

 

Although she is also planning on going to a wedding with the other guy this weekend!

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antmcd44,

 

My ex wife says the exact same things to me and i have a family dinner tonight with her and my son. I only do these dinners because my son likes them.

 

She admitted affair approx. 9 months ago. Divorced for 3 months now. Just last week she told me how she still loves me and misses our life together. That cheating on me was the biggest mistake she ever made and she is heartbroken.

 

It is all meaningless BS. She is still seeing other man regularly. I am sure she is chomping at the bit to formalize her relationship with him. What she misses is the easy life she had when she had plenty of money, only worked part time, lived in the big house and had all her friends and family intact. None of this means she wants to leave om and come back to me.

Not that I would take her.

 

Sounds to me like your wife is doing the same thing to you. Don't believe a word she says, believe her actions.

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Ant

 

I'd listen carefully to Chew's advice, as he's on the button.

 

Read up on 180 - challenging when kids are involved, and takes a lot of discipline in any circumstances.

 

You don't have to be unpleasant, but neither do you need bread crumbs from your ex, who has behaved badly yet continues to see the other man.

 

If she's genuinely interested in reconciling then she would stop seeing him. Period. I appreciate she's 'messed up' and stressed, but don't let yourself be her back up plan in case things don't work out with the fella she's currently seeing.

 

Keep strong and be independent. Lack of boundaries or any emotional displays from you will be perceived as weak and push her further away.

 

Beechy

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Is this a sign that she maybe regretting her decision?

 

NO, NO, NO...

 

"Loving" you and "missing" you do not mean she wants to get back with you.

She is discussing her new guy with you like you are her BFF.

Dumpers,which she essentially is, can easily be friends with the dumpee, because they have already emotionally checked out and made their decision.

She chose the other guy.

Accept it.

Get back into your house.

 

Stop sleeping with her, last thing you want now is for her to get pregnant and you need to get some distance and some perspective too. I am sure your desire for her just now is big, it is common and normal, and called hysterical bonding, recognise that and desist.

She will be hyped up sexually due to her new lover, and having two men eager for her, will be a huge ego boost, do NOT see that as an indication she still wants to be with you.

Get an STD test and keep away from her, as continuing will cloud your judgement and you need to be seeing clearly.

 

YOU now need to do the best for your kids here and make sure she cannot just up sticks and leave one day taking your kids with her.

YOU cannot just throw her out of the house, but go to an attorney and make sure of your rights and make sure you are not making mistakes that could land you in trouble here.

Sort out your finances too, you do not want to be the divorced guy who is alone every night with a bottle of whiskey in some crummy apartment whilst she and the new guy, play mummy and daddy to YOUR kids in YOUR house, spending YOUR money.

 

Start getting some gumption and start fighting back.

BE smart and clever, no violence or any other funny business that may mean the courts will not be on your side.

Chin up.

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In the car she said that she does miss me, and she hates what she has done to our family. This weekend my 7 year old was not in a good way, and very upset. Just wanting his Daddy all the time.

 

She also said that she still loves me, and we are all going for a family meal together tonight.

 

Is this a sign that she maybe regretting her decision? She has said that things in her new relationship are not easy (mainly because of the way in which they've got together).

 

Although she is also planning on going to a wedding with the other guy this weekend!

 

I feel for you because I've been in your exact situation. You want to fix things and get back to a regular life and be with the wife you have in your head.

 

The reality is, she is only concerned about herself and her actions are not normal. You'll need to figure it out for yourself, and it may take some time, but she is not interested in being with you. She just misses you taking care of her, providing for her, and taking care of all the day to day crap.

 

She is loving having you waiting on her hand and foot as well as loving her OM to do all her fun stuff with and not have that pesky burden of kids, mortgage, dirty dishes, laundry, etc (i.e. real life).

 

I can tell you are not ready to lay down some law and do what you know is right. All I can tell you is that your situation is NOT unique and that you are NOT going to "nice" your wife back to your loving arms.

 

Start taking care of you and your kids. She is a grown up and needs to be on her own for a while. You cannot be her crutch for continued bad decisions.

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Unfortunately, I'd say no. I think that your marriage has really ended.

Your wife's affair didn't create the end of your marriage. In fact, your relationship as a couple was already crumbling. That's why your wife indulged in the affair.

 

I'm sorry. Reading your post it seems that you're still in love with your wife. Unfortunately, it seems the same does not apply to her.

What I'm going to say may sound harsh or rude (and it may or may not be true - it's just an oppinion): your wife has grown bored with your marriage. She now desires a different sort of life. New sex partners. New men to interact with.

 

You may think that your wife was in love with you until 6 weeks ago. But the fact is that her feelings had most likely changed in these last couple of years. The problem is that, instead of discussing these issues with you, she decided to hide her feelings and try to work things out by herself.

It's a thing many women do. Most divorced women I know confessed to me that they declared their marriages "dead" at least an year or two before they decided to "pull the plug"(divorce).

 

Your wife's affair was most likely the catalyst that finally gave her the strength to quit the marriage.

Honestly, I don't think there's much you can do. If you read the stories in LS you'll understand that, in cases like yours, the best thing to do is to end things as soon and with as most dignity as possible.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. These things are never easy. You've to be strong for your 3 kids.

Keep posting here and asking for advice. There are very good and wise people here who are willing to help you and provide good advice.

 

Again: be strong. Things will get better.

 

Agreed .... OP, look up the series of books 'Women's Infidelity' by Michelle Langley, i find the age she was at quite interesting.

Something happens right after 30.

She conceived your youngest at 31, and she has been mulling this over for a while, to manage to get to the point where she can do this [declaring it dead] ... so the age matches up.

 

Also, the fact that she is emasculating [your own words] has also not helped.

When you have those arguments, sometimes they are meant for you to stand up and not back down, for her to lose ... ironically it makes her respect you more.

 

At this point you have no option but to regain her respect, and in time maybe some attraction will come.

You will not regain that respect by being whiny, but by being strong.

So look up also the 180, and put yourself and your kids first.

Start moving on, hit the gym, etc ...

Do not remain in limbo, start Divorce proceedings.

Weather or not you remain together, this relationship right now is over ... if reconciliation can happen it has to be started by her, with her admitting her fault and going to IC [that will not supplicate to her] and with her overall pulling the Reconciliation wagon.

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I saw my wife this morning, as we had to sort an issue out with the car. We then took all the children to school, and then she dropped me at work.

 

In the car she said that she does miss me, and she hates what she has done to our family. This weekend my 7 year old was not in a good way, and very upset. Just wanting his Daddy all the time.

 

She also said that she still loves me, and we are all going for a family meal together tonight.

 

Is this a sign that she maybe regretting her decision? She has said that things in her new relationship are not easy (mainly because of the way in which they've got together).

 

Although she is also planning on going to a wedding with the other guy this weekend!

 

If she really loved you she would be banging at your door.

 

This is her damage control and it is designed to do a few things :

- make her seem like less of the bad guy ... especially needed so she doesn't puke with disgust when she looks at herself in the mirror

- protect herself from your wrath, by giving you hope; if there will be a D, she wants you to still have feelings for her, because it both gives her power over you and will settle for a smaller piece of the pie

- have you as backup in case things go pear-shaped

 

Look at actions OP, and only at actions.

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I saw my wife this morning, as we had to sort an issue out with the car. We then took all the children to school, and then she dropped me at work.

 

In the car she said that she does miss me, and she hates what she has done to our family. This weekend my 7 year old was not in a good way, and very upset. Just wanting his Daddy all the time.

 

She also said that she still loves me, and we are all going for a family meal together tonight.

 

Is this a sign that she maybe regretting her decision? She has said that things in her new relationship are not easy (mainly because of the way in which they've got together).

 

Although she is also planning on going to a wedding with the other guy this weekend!

 

 

Is she regretting her decision? Nope!

She felt guilty seeing her kid in so much pain. So, she's giving him what he wants and that's you for the evening to make him feel better and to show him that she's not taking you away from him. And that mommy and daddy can still get alone even if you're living apart. (Which you should have moved back into your house by now!).

 

 

Has nothing to do with you. She's using you to ease her guilt that she has for the kids.

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She doesn't deserve you. Drop her like a hot potato. She is enjoying both sides and probably lying to you AND him. You can't trust her. Good luck.

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Ok, after talking with my wife over the past few days, she keeps telling me she still loves me, and enjoys my company, and misses me when I am not around.

 

I asked her why she is doing what she is doing, when she has a beautiful family and a loving, hard working, handsome husband and great father!

 

She replied and said "I know, I think I am mad".

 

She then said that the reason we're not back together now is because she can't deal with the guilt and shame of what she has done, and how much she has hurt me, and that she doesn't know if we have a future or not. Before this week, she has said that she definitely thought we did not have a future.

 

She has agreed to go to counselling next week (by herself).

 

I see this as one small step to a potential reconciliation, but she remains to see the other guy still, so maybe not!

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You're being way too accepting and forgiving. It's weak and unattractive. If you got tough as suggested in numerous posts on this thread, she'd realize that there are ramifications to her poor choices, but the way you are dealing with this gives her the message that she can do whatever she wants and you'll just sit there and put up with any scraps she happens to throw your way.

 

Not only is your approach horrible for your self esteem which will slow your healing and recovery but it also eliminates any chance of her getting a much needed reality check and possibly coming to the conclusion that she made a mistake. Sure, as things stand, her logical self knows she messed up but since you're letting her get away with this, her emotional side is enjoying all the freedom, the attention from 2 guys, and she's not inconvenienced in anyway.

 

In fact you made things even better for her by moving out. Why the heck did you move out anyway? Until and unless ordered to do so by the courts, you should be in that house, for a whole bunch of reasons.

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