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My wife wants a divorce, I don't. What's next?


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I'm 30 and she is 28. Have had a decent but not problem free marriage. Very blissful at times though. Have a 4 year old. She is sleeping on the couch and wants a divorce. Wants to get an apartment and leave me in the house.

 

Things were good until 5 months ago I started drinking and would be very mean. I stopped 3 months ago and have bent over backwards kissing her butt trying to make it work but we seem to get into a pretty big argument each weekend or I brag about how much money I make and then I've told her she's all about money.

 

I'll admit. I've been a fool but things were pretty happy before all of this and before o got this ego. I'm confident I can find somebody else but she truly is quite amazing. I've tried begging and crying and that just seemed to piss her off. When I try to talk to her she just says we won't stop arguing and to give up and leave her alone.

 

What do I do? I'm willing to work very hard and endure all the pain in the world to make this work. My family loves her and I love her. She doesn't have much in terms of support or family outside or my, my son, and my parents though.

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TaraMaiden2

Yes, well, if she wants a divorce, I'd just give in and do it....

 

You could suggest counselling,but I hate to say it, you sound as if you've pretty much killed this in the water, buddy....

 

I'm sorry, but your post doesn't make me think you sound all that nice....

 

You want to save this marriage, but you also say you're confident you'll find someone else? :rolleyes:

 

What about her and what she's going through because of you and your boorish drunken ego...?

 

Just saying.....

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Thanks for the reply. We've had a pretty good marriage for years though. I know I've screwed up recently but I'm actually a very good person. I've just been an idiot. Any advice on how to make this work would be appreciated. I really want to show her grace and make her very happy again. She's a good person and a wonderful mother.

 

I suppose in learning the lesson of how much our words can hurt those we love. Boy does this stink.

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TaraMaiden2
Thanks for the reply. We've had a pretty good marriage for years though. I know I've screwed up recently but I'm actually a very good person. I've just been an idiot. Any advice on how to make this work would be appreciated. I really want to show her grace and make her very happy again. She's a good person and a wonderful mother.

 

I suppose in learning the lesson of how much our words can hurt those we love. Boy does this stink.

 

 

OK, let me in a nutshell tell you what the (insurmountable) problem is, here:

 

Too little, too late.

 

This is a problem that has been on-going for some time.

Now she's stuck with it, tried to work through it (it's always ended in arguments - dreadful communication skills!) and finally she's had it and is sleeping on the couch.

 

(Why don't you give up the bed, and YOU sleep on the couch? :confused: )

 

You should have tried better to achieve a meeting of minds, and listened to her when this situation was still young.

THEN, you might have saved it.

Now? Now she's done with it, and nothing will haul her back on board.

 

You still have an ego problem.

And she's not going to accept this a moment longer.

 

Like I said, suggest counselling.

But bear in mind Counselling is not a tool to keep you together.

Counselling is a tool for you guys to find space to discuss things and communicate effectively.

She will still probably end this and leave.

But at least you'll both see where your individual flaws are.

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I offered to sleep on the couch several times.

 

I can't just give up. I believe in this and in her. She has made me want to be a better person and done so much for me. I don't think counseling is an option at the moment.

 

She says I don't listen and all that typical stuff. Any advice to help me change for her?

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I offered to sleep on the couch several times. I feel bad too because we have like a $3500 queen, memory foam, micro fiber, gel mattress. The couch is pretty old.

 

I can't just give up. I believe in this and in her. She has made me want to be a better person and done so much for me. I don't think counseling is an option at the moment.

 

She says I don't listen and all that typical stuff. Any advice to help me change for her?

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TaraMaiden2
. She has made me want to be a better person and done so much for me. I don't think counseling is an option at the moment.

 

She says I don't listen and all that typical stuff. Any advice to help me change for her?

Oh good grief....

 

No wonder she's dissatisfied...

On the one hand you say she makes you want to be a 'better person' (so cliche....)

Then you make a dismissive comment like that....?

 

No.

Counselling is DEFINITELYyour ONLY option right now.

 

It's the only way she will feel she can truly express how she feels and make any headway into getting you to see what, where, how and why things went pear-shaped.

You believe you know.

I don't believe it's that simple.

 

This issue has been exposed for 5 months, but I think there must have been a build-up... something which triggered the whole catastrophe.

 

You need Individual Counselling (for you) and Couples Counselling so that every discussion you have, does not descend into an argument and finish badly.

Edited by TaraMaiden2
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Alright. I will call counseling tomorrow and start ASAP. I get this through work.

 

She doesn't seem open to the idea of counseling at this time. I think she's very angry. She said she will just stay in the house and not have anything to do with me.

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TaraMaiden2

Well, in that case, stick with individual counselling. And I do mean, STICK with it.

 

If she decides to go through with the divorce (and as she's put it on the table, it's up to her to get the motivation to engineer it....) then at least you'll improve yourself for the next person you won't find it too difficult to meet.

 

Apparently....

 

"She doesn't seem open to the idea of counselling...."

 

Have you actually asked her, calmly, if she would please consider at least going to counselling with you?

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I was crying and begging for counseling immediately after an argument while she was angry.

 

Here is my plan.

 

Go to counseling

Be a better person and always put her first

Give her space and leave her alone. In the past she had told me I'm manipulative and controlling.

Hope for the best.

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TaraMaiden2

Don't cry, don't beg, and don't offer when you're both highly emotional.

 

Go home this evening, and tell her you have booked yourself into individual counselling, because there are aspects of your character you don't like, and want to change. (Don't rise to the bait with any angry retort she might come out with. Remember, she's mainly angry with you. She will lash out to convey that.)

 

BUT: Would she also, please, at some point, when you can prove to her you are really sincere about changing - would she please at least consider some form of counselling, "even if it means we still split up...?"

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unrequitedluv

Well change yourself.

 

Don't expect her to do anything but you do it.

 

If she insist to sleep on couch, you offer your bed once again.

If she refuse, then buy a new couch the next day and tell her I know you don't want to sleep on the bed yet because I sucks however I can't watch you sleeping in such an uncomfortable place. thus I change the couch. before you change the couch please ensure there is no sentimental value for that couch.

 

show extra care towards your kid. bring ur kid out together with her. be loving.

put down ur pride.

 

leave a letter to your wife and tell her that how much you regretted and you are going to start changing now. you will still have flaws but you will do your best to make it up.

 

in the meantime while u do the changes , dont beg dont cling dun irritate her further. give in to wad she wants for the time being.

 

if u knw she hasnt been buying clothes for herself den go to her closet check on her size and buy her some clothes as surprise.

 

something like that.

 

IMO lady are much easier to coax than man

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Thanks for the posts. I've let to know that I will be signing up for counseling ASAP. She just said "that doesn't make a difference to me." I didn't say anything back. I did notice she is still wearing her wedding ring. I'm wearing mine too.

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I think it is less anger, but rather resentment regarding your wife. But yes, I too believe counseling is your last option. Best of luck.

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It seems to me that you are dry and not sober and I'd bet she knows that too...

Being sober not only means not drinking but also looking at yourself and doing the introspection to make yourself a better less angry person, you are still the angry drinker just not drinking.

 

Hopefully the therapist can help you with that...

 

also.. a side note... you seem to mention money and costs of things when they aren't relevant, maybe you have an issue with money as well.

How much a mattress costs means nothing except to someone who has a money issue..

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I think it is less anger, but rather resentment regarding your wife. But yes, I too believe counseling is your last option. Best of luck.

 

Agreed. She throws back at me anything I've ever said to her. She is upset at me for having the credit cards and cars in my name. Never an issue before.

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It seems to me that you are dry and not sober and I'd bet she knows that too...

Being sober not only means not drinking but also looking at yourself and doing the introspection to make yourself a better less angry person, you are still the angry drinker just not drinking.

 

Hopefully the therapist can help you with that...

 

also.. a side note... you seem to mention money and costs of things when they aren't relevant, maybe you have an issue with money as well.

How much a mattress costs means nothing except to someone who has a money issue..

 

Thanks for the reply. I'm looking for advice to win my wife back rather than bashing me though.

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TaraMaiden2

He wasn't bashing you. He was giving you a couple of home truths.

 

I've lived with an alcoholic dependent, and they're pretty unpleasant, screwed-up individuals.

 

Someone who drinks, doesn't have a clue how alcohol can transform them, but every alcoholic who persists in drinking, insists it doesn't affect them the way outsiders observe it does, and go into denial.

 

Trust me, if someone was bashing you - you'd know it.

And Moderators would be down on them like a ton o' bricks.

 

Change the things about you, that you know you can change, for yourself.

 

Star now, by vowing to not let a single drop of alcohol pass your lips, from now on, period.

Therapy will help you explore deeper and get to the root of your issues.

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Thanks for the reply. I'm looking for advice to win my wife back rather than bashing me though.

 

I'm not bashing, I'm telling you your drinking caused this and you are still dealing with your drinking issues, as a sober Alcoholic of about 28 years I can see this as my experience has a way of altering my viewpoint.

Take it as bashing if you will but if you just consider it bashing and think you don't have an issue then I would say it was the denial talking rather than a clear unfoggy head.

 

I did BTW tell you how to win your wife back, deal with the fact you are dry and not sober, go into counseling and work on yourself and why you drank and why you are so angry.. I know your wife is waiting for it.

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I feel so bad. Here is our whole story. She grew up in a broken home with a lot of siblings very poor. I started dating her and pushed her forward to go back to school, go to college while I work, I told her things she had never been told in her life like I believe in her, and she's beautiful, and I love her. Every would tell her she would apply for new jobs and tell her I believed in her and could do anything she set her mind to until she eventually got a very good job. I have a very good one too. We have a great child together and she has been the best wife and mother you could ask for. I accepted her family and they are really weird and none of them have jobs or anything.

 

 

Now the bad. Throughout our marriage I've called her names on occasion and been mean to her on several occasions about things they happened when she broke up with me previously when we were dating. Things from 10 years ago!

 

I've never drank heavily until about 5 months ago and I drank heavily for 2 months straight. I called her names and was mean apparently. I've been controlling and manipulative. I stopped drinking but I could tell her feelings were gone. I've spent 3 months trying to make it work but we end up arguing because I'm too pushy or don't give her space. I don't drink.

 

I am a really good guy and I care a lot. I'm 100% committed to Fixing this no matter how hard it is or how much pain I must ensure. I don't want to make our little family go through the pain of divorce and I want to make my wife happy. I start counseling on Thursday.

Anything else I can do? I really haven't had a drinking problem except that brief period after I turned 30 where I wished I was young again. My wife and I together 11 years and married 8

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TaraMaiden2

You'll see this time and time again on this Forum:

 

"Actions speak louder than Words."

 

Don't tell her all the thins you want to do, all the things you want to change, all the things you want to improve.

Prove it.

Change.

Check yourself when the bitch in your manifests.

Stop calling her names.

Stop belittling her.

Stop pulling her down and insulting her.

Apologise for everything you've said and done, and own it.

 

Then, never repeat them.

 

Then tell her that with your actions, you will prove to her once and for all, that you can be a better man.

Just ask her to watch.

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You'll see this time and time again on this Forum:

 

"Actions speak louder than Words."

 

Don't tell her all the thins you want to do, all the things you want to change, all the things you want to improve.

Prove it.

Change.

Check yourself when the bitch in your manifests.

Stop calling her names.

Stop belittling her.

Stop pulling her down and insulting her.

Apologise for everything you've said and done, and own it.

 

Then, never repeat them.

 

Then tell her that with your actions, you will prove to her once and for all, that you can be a better man.

Just ask her to watch.

 

I will! Do you think I have a chance? She hasn't filed for divorce yet and mentioned how hard it would be previously.

 

Are you a professional at this or something?

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TaraMaiden2
I will! Do you think I have a chance? She hasn't filed for divorce yet and mentioned how hard it would be previously.

Certainly you have a chance, if you put your money where your mouth is, and follow through. Prove to her you can be the man she once believed you to be.

 

She is an extremely determined, clever and ambitious woman. She is intelligent and capable. She proved that by following through with the support you gave her.

Then you steadily undermined that, and tried to demolish her self-confidence. Why....?

 

Did she threaten your own self-esteem? Did it surprise you to see how well she picked up the baton and ran with it?

Not everyone could, but she did.

Respect that. You should be proud to have a wife who can deal with the manure and transform it into a rose-bed.

Tell her you see what you did, and that you're going to get to the bottom of why you behaved the way you did.

 

You regret it, and intend to eliminate it from your behaviour completely.

 

 

Are you a professional at this or something?

I've had experience in Relationships Counselling, but I would hesitate to label myself as anything in that sphere.

The advice you get on here is just from people who for the main part want to help. :)

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