yorkie Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 at the end of August this year it will be two years since me and my ex split up! and to be honest im frustrated im depressed and I don't understand why! I don't want her back, but im still struggling to move on and be or find happiness in myself quick re cap we were together for just short of 13 years after 3 months break I did all the crying begging etc but she told me to move on so I got into a rebound relationship for around 7 months. when I told her I was seeing someone it came to light she was dating a work colleague, they moved in with each other around march time 2014. I kept both our kids my son and daughter. she ended up disowning my son in august 2014 after they had an argument. then in October 2014 she announced she was pregnant she had the baby boy last Wednesday. there is a lot more that has happened but its hard to remember all the details. I have tried my hardest to grieve for my relationship and tbh I don't want her back I can not stand the woman. but I find myself comparing myself with everyone and my ex. I have struggled I have slept around searching for something, anything that would help me move on but that didn't help. I find myself being lonely a lot in myself if that makes sense, I also got myself in debt but have started dealing with this. but why am I feeling so down? everyone tells me im a nice guy and a good laugh and a good dad but why am I still struggling! sorry I feel like a right drainer here! but any advice or words of wisdom I would appreciate! thanks yorkie Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Your ex had an affair with her co-worker; and her disowning your son tells you enough of what a person she really is. Be glad you never had to fight for custody on your kids, and be the stable parent that they need since they've already lost a mother because she prefers affair fantasyland. I think in your mind you're still too focused on your ex. Who cares who she is with? Who cares if she's had a baby? She is no longer important to your life or that of your kids, I can't imagine the pain your son must have gone through to be abandoned by his own mother. Then again, it's better to have a person like your ex out of his life instead of her mucking it up by brainwashing him, so at least the kids are safe (although I do feel sorry for the after-affair baby, he has little to no chance to develope normally). It's good you are working on the debt thing since you are responsible for 2 kids. How often are you in touch with your ex? You should cease contact as low as possible - which means only when it's about the kids, nothing more. Don't inquire about her life and don't let her know anything about yours, it isn't important for either of you to know about each others' lives. And don't worry so much about dating and meeting women - you have to sort yourself out first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yorkie Posted June 15, 2015 Author Share Posted June 15, 2015 thank you for your kind words. yes the only communication we have is through text, and that is on my part strictly about the kids, but it the feeling lost does anyone else feel like that? I know I have come a long way since august 2013. and I know I am doing a good job for my kids as they wouldn't want to live with me but its the lost feeling that's bugs me more than anything! it makes me down and depressed. anyway ive decided to decorate my house and I have started on my front room. which strangely feels a good warm feeling. thanks for your kind words though. I just don't know how long it will be before I get to that point where it doesnt bother me anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
floridapad Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Yorkie It takes time. But the process can be longer or shorter depending on you. It's been 5 years for me after a 14 year marriage. I cried for a year straight. But at the same time I was not going to allow this woman to ruin my life. No way. It takes a choice Yorkie. It's as simple as this. It's been two years for you. Get your azz moving. You are too valuable as a person to be sobbing at this point. She's in another world from you. Suck it up. You are going to make something out of this. You have no other choice. Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 at the end of August this year it will be two years since me and my ex split up! and to be honest im frustrated im depressed and I don't understand why! I don't want her back, but im still struggling to move on and be or find happiness in myself quick re cap we were together for just short of 13 years after 3 months break I did all the crying begging etc but she told me to move on so I got into a rebound relationship for around 7 months. when I told her I was seeing someone it came to light she was dating a work colleague, they moved in with each other around march time 2014. I kept both our kids my son and daughter. she ended up disowning my son in august 2014 after they had an argument. then in October 2014 she announced she was pregnant she had the baby boy last Wednesday. there is a lot more that has happened but its hard to remember all the details. I have tried my hardest to grieve for my relationship and tbh I don't want her back I can not stand the woman. but I find myself comparing myself with everyone and my ex. I have struggled I have slept around searching for something, anything that would help me move on but that didn't help. I find myself being lonely a lot in myself if that makes sense, I also got myself in debt but have started dealing with this. but why am I feeling so down? everyone tells me im a nice guy and a good laugh and a good dad but why am I still struggling! sorry I feel like a right drainer here! but any advice or words of wisdom I would appreciate! thanks yorkie I think it's triggers. It's been over 6 years since me and my ex split up - I\d never take her back, I forgave her, and healed. Sometimes I get triggered when people talk about certain things in relationships and being around 20 year olds in relationships - but I'm in my 30s at a different generation and mind frame. I just say keep focusing on progression. Facebook, digital photos/videos and texting - all new things can trigger you. We live in a new age now which added a new level of complexity to everything. Dating after divorce can be tricky as well. If you got out of debt - that's incredible - keep going, keep progressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 I think in your mind you're still too focused on your ex. Who cares who she is with? Who cares if she's had a baby? She is no longer important to your isn't the new baby related to the other children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Anyway ive decided to decorate my house and I have started on my front room. which strangely feels a good warm feeling. Good idea, paint and paper away any trace of her and your old life as it will just trigger you. Get rid of anything that will trigger you and carve out a new life for you and your children. Once you are happier and stable, then you can start looking for someone to date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 isn't the new baby related to the other children? What does blood matter when the mother disowns and abandons her first kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted June 16, 2015 Share Posted June 16, 2015 Hello mate, There is really no time limit to these things. Got to keep pushing on. You know how this mess works. Drop you a bell later....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yorkie Posted June 16, 2015 Author Share Posted June 16, 2015 thanks guys and gals, yeah things are still tough tbh but I have made some progress which I know I have ive also been to hell and back feel like im on day release from hell some times. ive sat and thought how far ive actually come since I split from the ex, and you know what yeah I think im still going through the natural process of grieving! yes my hurt me massively (not in the actual cheating or leaving me!) she hurt me in the lies the words and also the way she has treated our kids especially my son. she still see's our daughter but not our Son. which my poor lad I feel for! the positives in all this is I have a great bond with my kids, my house is a safe environment for them to play to grow and to live! Thursday is going to be so hard in some ways because its my daughters sports day. and the ex will be there with her new rug rat in tow. and that is gonna hurt. as when I was with the ex I had the snip because she was on the contraceptive injection and we both agreed no more kids some I manned up so to speak and now she has a baby. that's the bit I cant seem to get over is what was true and what wasn't? as in the things we said and the things that didn't happen if that makes sense. the only positive is I don't want anymore kids as mine are growing up fast and I will be able to things I couldn't do when my kids were young. I don't know it is just still hard to push on and kick on and get over or move on from the past! also I guess a lot of people in general say I should of moved on by now but its so hard!! thank you all by the way! Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 The people who tell you that you should've moved on by now, are usually the same ones who "say" they've moved on, jump into rebound relationships and just build on top of their baggage until they're ruined and lost. Grieving and healing takes time and it's personal. Just keep at it. Focus on growth and progress. I've grown so much in ways that would have seemed unfathomable back then. Perfect yourself! At least try to. All the best! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yorkie Posted June 17, 2015 Author Share Posted June 17, 2015 thanks health. yeah its very frustrating when people say you should of moved on by now. I mean I am a lot better now compared to when it happened I was suicidal back then. again thanks everyone for your words and I know I am still grieving, but one day I will get there where ever there is lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 anyway ive decided to decorate my house and I have started on my front room. which strangely feels a good warm feeling. It's because when you re-decorated, you were productive, which always feels good and also distracts quite well. It's also the best way of truly making it YOUR home, by giving it your own 'mark' and style. This is why getting hobbies and doing sports is so often recommended to betrayed/divorced spouses, it's the most effective therapy - even if it still takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Hey Yorkie, it sounds to me like she's her work colleague's problem now. Be thankful. Anybody who disowns their own child has is pretty much worthless. Now, it's time to let it go and go out and enjoy your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Have you done counseling to help you to heal? Link to post Share on other sites
Habs33 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Hello Yorkie, I hope things continue to improve for you. My ex left me almost three years ago. I have the same feelings you do. Time does help but things are still hard at times. I wonder how someone I was married to for 16 years can hate me so much now. As with you, I do not want her back and really do not want to talk to her but gave to because of the kids. My biggest problem now is feeling lonely. Was hanging out with someone for a bit but that ended. This is something that everyone deals with differently. Some can move on quickly...or pretend to and some people take more time. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Hello Yorkie, I hope things continue to improve for you. My ex left me almost three years ago. I have the same feelings you do. Time does help but things are still hard at times. I wonder how someone I was married to for 16 years can hate me so much now. This is something that everyone deals with differently. Some can move on quickly...or pretend to and some people take more time. Sometimes you can spend many years with a person, without really knowing his/her true character. A friend of mine has been having an affair with a married woman. He's single. She's been married for 10 years and has a little daughter. She says to my friend that she hates her husband and is tired of him. At the same time she's afraid of divorce because that will mean having access to her husband's money. Even though she claims to hate her husband and she's banging my friend, she also writes lovey-dovey messages to her husband on Facebook. That explains why so many divorces are filled with hate and spite. Many times, when one occurs, one of the spouses has nothing but contempt for the other. Human beings can be real pieces of ****. Link to post Share on other sites
rolo99 Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 This is sounding all too familiar, minus the kids. I was married for 13 yrs. I got blindsided. July will be 2 yrs since it was final. He was engaged 4 mos later. I also had a 7 mos rebound relationship. Then I had many "friends" because I was in what I call my "No F*cks Given" phase. I thought that I couldn't be hurt because I truly felt dead inside. It was great for a while....no feelings, just fun. I met a guy online, who was originally going to be another friend. But something changed during the week of text and phone calls. By the time we met in person, it was already more, and became a lot more quickly. It was the easiest and most natural relationship I'd ever been in. But......the deep secret lurking underneath was that he is a binge-drinking alcoholic. The I knew, the worse I learned that his problem is. In the end, I had to leave because he will probably die from this. And I am taking it VERY hard. I never took any breakup this hard before I got married. I didn't get to the suicidal point that I was post divorce, but it was almost as painful. I tell myself that I am being ridiculous and pathetic because I am still hurting a month later. We were only together a little over 2 mos. I just know that I am tired of hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 What does blood matter when the mother disowns and abandons her first kids? it's not about the mother. i'm merely suggesting that all of the children are related. Link to post Share on other sites
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