"I blame my kid's mom"

[jakrbbt]

I have been trying to co-parent with my ex, but it takes more contact than a lot of co-parenting situations.

 

As a result, he was at my place dropping off our son tonight instead of the agreed-upon tomorrow, because ex is traveling for a short-term job tomorrow.

 

He stuck around and used my computer while I was dealing with my son. He left an internet window open.

 

He was trying to sell a project car (that he owned before we were together), and in the description he said that he'd lost the title. He wrote, "The short story is I blame my son's mom."

 

There is no way that I had anything to do with his title to a car he's owned since long before we lived together or married. I wouldn't mind him just blaming me for that, but it shows that he thinks everything is my fault.

 

He is a person who doesn't function as well as he'd like, and he believes that all his problems now are my fault. I worked hard to take care of him-- enable him, some would say.

 

Now, he comes over and hits on me (yes, I always tell him to stop) and he comments that I might have boyfriends "come and go" but that he'll always be the main relationship in my life.

 

During the marriage he was pretty controlling. And he refused to work, seemingly thinking my income was for both of us even though I was also the main caregiver and housekeeper. During the divorce, he tried to request half my income and sole custody of our baby (which still affects me way too much).

 

Then he comes over and humbly tells me that I'm probably the best friend he has, I'm solid and ethical and fair et c. He says he wants to co-parent and be friends. I want that, but only after some space from him.

 

BUT I feel I can't have space because I want to make sure my son is ok. Part of the issue is that ex's job is varied hours and I'd like to be the fallback caregiver for our son if need be (ex can't afford childcare anyway). Then sometimes ex runs out of food or diapers, or has in the past anyway, and I'd like to be there for my son.

 

But after all the supposed "you're my friend, let's co-parent together"-- I now see that he still blames his problems on me and also still seems to think I belong to him. That makes me nervous.

 

His attitude-- blaming the woman in his life for everything, thinking she owes him her paycheck while married, thinking she can never really leave him even if she says she is and even if they're divorced--- strikes me as possessive and messed-up.

 

My question is how to extricate myself from that. We still need to co-parent and, like I said, that seems to mean more contact when one of the parents is disorganized and/or unpredictable work hours. Plus, our son is only 2.

 

I do not want to be best friends with him, but I do not want one of those rigid co-parenting situations where people exchange the kid in a parking lot and never trade parenting days or discuss the child, potty training et c. And I don't want to lose the extra time I get with my son now, when ex calls me first whenever he needs or wants child care.

 

But I think I'm willing to go to that rigid, strictly-enforced situation IF it's the only way to finally really leave the possessive "relationship."

 

But I'd rather do something halfway between that, and what we have now, which is just not working for me.

 

Perhaps he is bluffing when he runs out of diapers and perhaps I need to just let him struggle along with toddler more.

 

I'd like to tell him that his life problems are NOT my fault and that my job is something I've earned, that I'm not his property, and that he has treated me like I am. But that would not be a useful conversation. Moreover, why am I even caring about that now?? I am divorced from him, who cares if he sees me as his possession-- shouldn't it be abundantly clear that that's not true?

 

I am looking for a strategy that 1) doesn't burn bridges for long-term co-parenting, 2) doesn't leave my ex (and toddler) high and dry when it really would make sense to help with logistics or child care, yet 3) gets me out of this hellish dynamic where my ex still tries to possess and blame me (and I still give a rat's butt). Would the simple act of planning and executing more of my own independent life activities be enough? Do I need to set some boundaries and just let ex throw whatever retaliatory tantrum he might? I can't even set boundaries because he pretends not to hear me.

 

i am so sorry I keep coming back here and fretting. I keep getting confused and losing perspective.

[kenmore]

Hi Jak, long time no see!

 

Whew, yes you have allowed your relationship with your ex grow into an unhealthy one for sure! You mentioned enabling. The problems you describe are all caused by more enabling. He pushed your boundaries and you let him because you want to do the right thing for both your son and him to the nth level. I think I may have said this before: you do need to worry about your son, but not your ex.

 

He should not be using your computer, nor even be in your house for that matter. Maybe dropping off your son in a parking lot is extreme, but maybe it's not. He should not be allowed past (or even into) the threshold of your doorway. It should be seen by him as a force field which is as strong as if the door were closed. He should not touch you and there should be no personal or relationship talk between you at all, period.

 

Which guys if any, or how many you see is none of his business. So is who your best friend is, and it sure as Hell shouldn't be him. In fact, the term "friend" shouldn't even be an adjective that describes him.

 

Unfortunately you have let it get this far and throttling it back won't be easy, but it's necessary. No offense but he actually sounds a little mentally disturbed and when you describe his behavior, some hairs on the back of my neck stand up a little in fear of your safety. He's starting to border on obsessive, and that's not good at all! Right now, co-parenting aside, if you were to tell him never to contact you ever again, I'd be willing to bet he would stalk you. That's scary sh*t!

 

I understand you wanting what's best for your son and that's great, but you two don't have to interact. That would only be good for your son if there was a reconciliation going on and there isn't. Regardless of whether he blames you for everything or not, you shouldn't care. Your feelings should be the same regardless: You should just want him to leave you alone, period!

 

Hugs!!! Good luck, be strong and stay safe!

 

Ken

[misspond]

Oh OP. Grow a thick skin. All this co-parenting stuff? It only works if the other parent is a grown up. And that's rarely the case in both my experience and that of the women I know is true.

 

I will say here that I know some awesome dads who have the majority of the care (as in the mother has totally abdicated) so this isn't going to become a gender war issue.

 

There are all kinds of differences - some parents can co-parent, some find that they have the majority of care, others find that they get no access to their kids and fight for it.

 

Plus everything else inbetween.

 

What you've described would make any potential co-parent nervous, because what's being offered is not co-parenting, it's, "You be in charge, I'll pretend and then when I'm up to it I might step up - or not."

 

You might have to put on your big adult pants and resume responsibility. If you can work out a schedule of care then all good. If you get texts or calls about, "Whah! I've no food/nappies(diapers)/want to go out/can't cope!!)" then you have to turn a blind eye. But at the first suggestion that your child is at risk for real then you have to step up and understand that the responsibility is yours and yours alone.

 

It's a really tough call but you need to be able to build a functional person. I wish you well because it's hard but hey, we made our mistakes, we shouldn't shirk our responsibilities. xx

[still_an_Angel]

I hear ya loud and good OP. I'm in the same boat myself, my stbxh believes our separation is only temporary and that I'll come around and we'll be back together again. He has never been responsible financially and child support has been on and off over the years (more off actually). I do understand your stand on this, if you are able to help financially for the sake of your son, of course you would, it is not about him but you need to ensure your baby is safe and looked after. Given the age of your child, this places you in a catch 22 situation, do you or do you not give in? I believe you will, because otherwise, its your baby who will suffer.

 

 

But I think you should leave him to solve his problems, the shared care arrangement is in place and therefore not a surprise. He knows his child is coming to stay, that is his responsibility and he should be prepared for nappies, food, etc. You can't save his world forever, and you shouldn't be, he is the other parent who holds the same responsibilities like you. The longer you continue to give in, the more he becomes dependent on you. You have to draw the line here and hold your ground. He will never learn otherwise.

[Art_Critic]

I don't have any advice other than try to always never put your child in between what ever is happening between you both.. but I wanted to say that he sooooo left that window open on purpose for you to see...

What a passive aggressive thing to do...

 

People are not dumb asses like that, he knew you would find it.

[starglider]

Hi Jak

 

It is always useful to read your posts because I feel like your stories are a window into my possible future.

 

I think that given the history of your relationship and your goals for your children: " ... I want to make sure my son is ok... and I'd like to be the fallback caregiver for our son if need be ..." I think your relationship is going to be more "enmeshed" than most divorces and this is something you'll need to contend with given your goals.

 

Ideally boundaries will keep being set little be little and detachment will follow especially as he becomes more mature and self-reliant. But the plus side is, for now, you get to be the fall back caregiver and don't have to worry about a future, unreliable women taking on this job. So for the access to your kids, you'll just have to rise above his childish passive-aggressive jabs for now.

 

Maybe using humor could be a way to address the car comment? But if you can't pull it off in a light way that wouldn't escalate things, then I think you should let it slide off you like teflon.

 

In most divorces, him using your computer etc would be a clear boundary you could set, but in your case, I think you need to choose your battles little by little, unless of course it is all getting slowly worse. Then it makes sense to take a stand.

 

You are a strong woman and these types of comments don't need to hurt you anymore. You are free!

Edited June 7, 2015 by starglider

[Mr. Lucky]

but I wanted to say that he sooooo left that window open on purpose for you to see...

What a passive aggressive thing to do...

 

People are not dumb asses like that, he knew you would find it.

 

Bingo.

 

jakrbbt, the short answer is don't play the game. If he leaves a computer window open, close it. If he sends you an email or text, scan it for content and nix anything not connected with your son. Delete, delete, delete.

 

BTW, look at the progress you've made! Divorce on track, son making the adjustment and life being reclaimed, all bold steps courageously taken. Focus on what's important, let the rest of it go. He's not going to change which means you must change your reaction to him. It's the last hold he has on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

During the marriage he was pretty controlling. And he refused to work, seemingly thinking my income was for both of us even though I was also the main caregiver and housekeeper. During the divorce, he tried to request half my income and sole custody of our baby (which still affects me way too much).

OMG. What a complete loser. Did he also try to get YOU to pay for his legal fees concerning getting full custody of your son? I'm actually laughing at how utterly pathetic he is.

 

Part of the issue is that ex's job is varied hours and I'd like to be the fallback caregiver for our son if need be (ex can't afford childcare anyway). Then sometimes ex runs out of food or diapers, or has in the past anyway, and I'd like to be there for my son.

Yay! Lazy ass finally got a job! And yet Father of the Year thought he should have full custody? What a joke. He doesn't even sound capable of owning a dog much less being a suitable parent.

 

My question is how to extricate myself from that. We still need to co-parent and, like I said, that seems to mean more contact when one of the parents is disorganized and/or unpredictable work hours. Plus, our son is only 2.

I'd tell the jerk he can pick his son up at the appointed time and drop him back off at the appointed time. No coming inside to sit on the computer or watch TV or raid the refrigerator. If he has a problem with that he'll need to talk to his lawyer - that he probably can't afford and would like YOU to pay for..

 

And I don't want to lose the extra time I get with my son now, when ex calls me first whenever he needs or wants child care.

Your first mistake is assuming he's doing you a FAVOR every time he runs to you when he cant fulfill his fatherly duties (which sounds like it's pretty much all the time). He's doing what selfishly works for HIM, not what he thinks is good for YOU. And THIS is the guy that wanted full custody? Good lord. People like him are opportunists and simply take the easiest way out because its suits them. You're the easiest solution for him and that's why you get your son whenever he cant even fulfill his custodial duties.

 

Perhaps he is bluffing when he runs out of diapers and perhaps I need to just let him struggle along with toddler more.

Damn right, you should. Only an idiot doesn't have the foresight to understand the basic needs of a child. But he doesn't HAVE to because he knows you'll bail him out every time. It's not rocket science. He's just LAZY is all.

 

Do I need to set some boundaries and just let ex throw whatever retaliatory tantrum he might? I can't even set boundaries because he pretends not to hear me.

Who cares whether he "hears" you or not. Put your boundaries into place and STICK by them. Words are cheap. Your ACTIONS will say it all.

[sandylee1]

A couple of suggestions.....

 

- Buy diapers and give your ex to keep in his house for your son

 

- Pick your son up from him then you won't have to spend more time than necessary with him. Call when you are outside his house and tell him to bring your son out. Don't go inside or he'll delay you and never have your son ready on time.

 

- Tell him you and he are done and he needs to stop hitting on you. He obviously knew he landed a good woman in you but didnt appreciate and took you for granted. Your relationship is purely coparenting.

[jakrbbt]

I didn't even realize that he probably left the window open on purpose.

 

There were several tabs, including his email, but I didn't look at any of the others. I just closed all tabs at once after reading that.

 

He's done that a few times before-- left email and internet forums open on my computer. I never looked at anything before, just closed the windows immediately. But this time, the font was HUGE, lol. I never thought it was on purpose.

 

For now, I am going to try: Not engaging in any "games." Games can include leaving windows open, saying things about me to others, or that one time he texted my mother happy mother's day but didn't say anything to me (he and she are not really in touch).

 

That time, I didn't say anything to him, and I didn't care about not being wished a happy mother's day, BUT I started wondering why he was seemingly upset and what he was up to. I got nervous. But if I simply stop wondering, maybe that'll be enough to make the changes I want.

 

Not engaging probably also means, no longer giving into my own anger and fear over the past. That is no longer my life. I no longer occupy that spot. I'm not the woman who has to wonder whether he's mad, what he's going to do, and twist my life around to anticipate that man.

 

It's hard to tell myself that, because I keep seeing (or maybe, imagining) that he's still controlling things through our co-parenting situation. But I guess the trick is, once I no longer care about that, then it goes away for real.

 

After simply refusing to play the games, maybe things will calm down into a flexible but not-manipulative co-parenting situation. And I'm not even going to THINK about "What if that doesn't work." (Easier said than done, though. I always think about the contingencies.)

 

I'll try that for a few weeks and see whether things get better.

[Mr. Lucky]

After simply refusing to play the games, maybe things will calm down into a flexible but not-manipulative co-parenting situation. And I'm not even going to THINK about "What if that doesn't work."

 

Maybe he'll be this same "worst" version of himself for the rest of his life.

 

The trick is to be a better you. And that includes doing things important to your mental health and emotional growth. You're no longer married so the only impact he has on you is what you grant him. Who's in charge now ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[kenmore]

...I started wondering why he was seemingly upset and what he was up to. I got nervous...I'm not the woman who has to wonder whether he's mad, what he's going to do, and twist my life around to anticipate that man.

 

Are you afraid of him Jakrbbt?

 

...I keep seeing (or maybe, imagining) that he's still controlling things through our co-parenting situation. But I guess the trick is, once I no longer care about that, then it goes away for real.

 

After simply refusing to play the games, maybe things will calm down into a flexible but not-manipulative co-parenting situation. And I'm not even going to THINK about "What if that doesn't work."...

 

Well, it's a good start for sure. He's a manipulator and once you start to do something he will try to counter it. Be prepared for that with firmness and threats of your own such as if he can't have supplies on hand to take care of your son, you'll get the court order amended.

 

It won't be easy jakrbbt, but you can do it.

 

Ken

[heatherjanette28]

Hi Jak! Hopefully I can be of some help. You may not like what I have to say, but here it is anyway.

 

 

While I am not divorced, my boyfriend went through a pretty rough divorce as well (currently going through a horrible custody battle). So I may have some insight.

 

 

You need to be strong and confident and not enable his behavior. It is completely inappropriate for him to linger around at your place. I am aware you need to co-parent but boundaries are being crossed and there is no clear line.

This may be giving him the impression you may come back to him one day. You need to be friendly yet professional. He does not need to come inside your house, he can meet you outside. He is a grown man and perfectly capable of caring for himself and his child. DO NOT save him anymore. He is a parent and he should do whatever it takes to make sure he has enough money for the essentials for his son. Period. I understand divorce can be devastating financially, but it is not your job to rescue him. He needs to rescue himself and be a man and a father.

 

It will be rough at first, but you need to do this. Your son will be better off. Do you want your son to think this is how a man should act? Show your son you are strong and capable. Your life is not his business. The only thing you two need to be talking about is your son. Period. Do not give him money or rescue him because it will simply keep happening. My boyfriends ex wife pulled that game. She refuses to work as well. He had to stop allowing this behavior.

 

 

What happens when you date in the future? Do you think man will be ok with this behavior? Is that fair to a man ? No. Your ex is manipulative and frankly quite pathetic. You need to cut ties and only discuss things regarding your son.

 

Are you officially divorced or going through the process of it? Always document his behavior and expect him to make threats. He will not be happy with the change in your behavior.

[kenmore]

Hi Jak! Hopefully I can be of some help. You may not like what I have to say, but here it is anyway.

 

 

While I am not divorced, my boyfriend went through a pretty rough divorce as well (currently going through a horrible custody battle). So I may have some insight.

 

 

You need to be strong and confident and not enable his behavior. It is completely inappropriate for him to linger around at your place. I am aware you need to co-parent but boundaries are being crossed and there is no clear line.

This may be giving him the impression you may come back to him one day. You need to be friendly yet professional. He does not need to come inside your house, he can meet you outside. He is a grown man and perfectly capable of caring for himself and his child. DO NOT save him anymore. He is a parent and he should do whatever it takes to make sure he has enough money for the essentials for his son. Period. I understand divorce can be devastating financially, but it is not your job to rescue him. He needs to rescue himself and be a man and a father.

 

It will be rough at first, but you need to do this. Your son will be better off. Do you want your son to think this is how a man should act? Show your son you are strong and capable. Your life is not his business. The only thing you two need to be talking about is your son. Period. Do not give him money or rescue him because it will simply keep happening. My boyfriends ex wife pulled that game. She refuses to work as well. He had to stop allowing this behavior.

 

 

What happens when you date in the future? Do you think man will be ok with this behavior? Is that fair to a man ? No. Your ex is manipulative and frankly quite pathetic. You need to cut ties and only discuss things regarding your son.

 

Are you officially divorced or going through the process of it? Always document his behavior and expect him to make threats. He will not be happy with the change in your behavior.

 

Yeah, well said! I don't think she liked what I had to say either.

[beach]

Hi Jak!

 

If you work on a solid boundary - things will get better.

 

Why allow him in your place? There's not one single reason he needs to step inside... Much less use your computer - ever.

 

When he complains about anything (food, diapers etc) tell him he will figure out a solution.

 

Stop helping him to stay immature! He will grow up when you stop rescuing him.

 

Just say no.

Edited June 11, 2015 by beach