JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 My husband and I have been married for 16 years and have 3 kids. He asked for a separation about 6 weeks ago and things have become an emotional roller coaster. I know that he does not know what to do; he is scared to be vulnerable again and risk me hurting him again. We have been through 4 marriage counseling sessions and our counselor has advised that I not push him into making a decision and to give him his space. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I know that he does not know what to do; he is scared to be vulnerable again and risk me hurting him again. How did you hurt him "before"? Some separations last until there is a divorce. None of them are specific and some involve reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) He says that I have been selfish the past 5 years and that I never worried whether he was feeling loved or about what he needed from me....I agree completely, as hindsight is 20/20. He's upset that it took him walking out to make me open my eyes. I totally understand and have been working on myself and trying to put his feelings first. He made the comment the other day that he was surprised that I hadn't switched back to my old self already and that we will see how long I stay the better person. I told him that I have learned so much already and that I see the way that I acted towards him was not right. Our marriage counselor also determined that he has PTSD and that he needs to start seeing a psychiatrist and work through those issues so that he can allow himself to "let me back in" and show him that I can be the loving wife that I am. Edited May 28, 2015 by JennK Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Personally I would never agree to a separation. Marriages are not fixed by separation, they are fixed by open, honest communication. For me there are 2 options: fix the marriage (in which case get your ass back so we can start fixing it), or divorce. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Unfortunately I don't think he is in the right state of mind to have an ultimatum placed on him. I have a feeling that he would just bolt. As messed up as it sounds, I either have to wait until he figures his emotions out or files for divorce. I will not make that decision. He says that he is not going to give up on our marriage but I hate not having control over the progress (or lack of). Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 It's not an ultimatum unless you phrase it as such. "Come back or I will divorce you" is an ultimatum. "I don't like being kept in limbo, and having my feelings controlled by your uncertainty. I deserve better than that. I can't force you to come back, so if you choose not to return in a reasonable timeframe then there is only one course of action available to me" is not an ultimatum, it's expressing a boundary and letting him know that you won't be trampled on, and won't wait around forever while he searches his soul (which could take 10 years for all you know). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 In my opinion, giving someone an ultimatum is not helpful at the stage you find yourself. I would agree with the therapist and give him some space, while keeping the lines of communication open and making it clear that your ultimate goal is to save the marriage. But putting too much pressure on someone in his shoes could cause him to bolt, which is exactly what you don't want, right? There's no real answer to how long separations last. I've known some to last a few weeks before divorce proceedings, or a few weeks before reconciliation. And I've known others to separate and still stay married for years, even decades. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 He had originally told our counselor that he would go through the 7 sessions that we were allowed and then make a decision but he said that we have a long road ahead of us and that 7 weeks would not be a fair amount of time. How long do you think is a reasonable amount of time to give him? It's been 6 weeks, which I understand is really short, but feels like it's been years. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 He had originally told our counselor that he would go through the 7 sessions that we were allowed and then make a decision but he said that we have a long road ahead of us and that 7 weeks would not be a fair amount of time. How long do you think is a reasonable amount of time to give him? It's been 6 weeks, which I understand is really short, but feels like it's been years. As long as you are communicating and both are working toward the same goal (saving the marriage) and both are committed to that goal, then I wouldn't worry about a timetable. If you're not both doing that, then no amount of time is going to matter. I know it can be excruciating to not know or not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that's just the way it is at this point. I'd worry less about the amount of time you're apart and worry more about how committed you each are to working things out. IMO, though, it's true that seven weeks is no time at all, and seven counseling sessions is not going to bring about lasting change, for the most part. I think months, not weeks, is what is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I would say that 6 weeks is plenty long enough for anyone to decide whether they want to remain in their marriage or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) It is excruciating! One day he is receptive to me and the next he could completely ignore me. I'm constantly analyzing texts from him or what he says to me, to reassure myself that he is still committed to working on us. A lot of people have told me that no man will walk out on his wife unless it is for another women. This may be the case...idk. If it is, I'd rather not know about it and let him see whether the grass is greener or not. I know that sounds really weak but I feel like I love him so much and this is a phase that will pass. I hate feeling like I do when he ignores me one day but can give me hope the next. It just depends on his mood for the day. Edited May 28, 2015 by JennK Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 It is excruciating! One day he is receptive to me and the next he could completely ignore me. I'm constantly analyzing texts from him or what he says to me, to reassure myself that he is still committed to working on us. A lot of people have told me that no man will walk out on his wife unless it is for another women. This may be the case...idk. If it is, I'd rather not know about it and let him see whether the grass is greener or not. I know that sounds really weak but I feel like I love him so much and this is a phase that will pass. I hate feeling like I do when he ignores me one day but can give me hope the next. It just depends on his mood for the day. Are the two of you also going through individual counseling? That could be helpful as well. I have to agree to disagree, PNP - six weeks to me seems like no time at all when it comes to a separation, but that's just my opinion of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 We had our last session on Tuesday and at that time he gave him a # to a PTSD counselor and then suggested that we reschedule our marriage counseling for 4 weeks out. He did call the facility while in the car with me but apparently having been playing phone tag so as far as I know, no appt yet. I really want him to get some help bc I believe that overcoming some past issues will help him to see "us" more clearly but I know that I can't make him call them back. He also lost his job a few weeks ago and is struggling with that. Too much at one time...I don't want to push his stress level up but I'm struggling too, without him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I would say that 6 weeks is plenty long enough for anyone to decide whether they want to remain in their marriage or not. I think you are probably right. I am not saying 6 weeks will fix a marriage, but 6 weeks space should tell him if he wishes to continue with the marriage or not. Have you worked out between the two of you, whether this separation includes seeing other people, some are shocked when it is revealed that one used the time to see and sleep with other people and the other remained loyal to the marriage. Sometimes that causes more problems going forward than the original reason for the separation. Why do you seem to be accepting all the blame here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 He says that he is not seeing other people and I know that I'm not. We are still married after all, in my eyes. We are still having sex. I guess I'm taking the blame because I feel it's my fault that he left. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I am not saying 6 weeks will fix a marriage, but 6 weeks space should tell him if he wishes to continue with the marriage or not. Exactly. I am not saying that 6 weeks will fix all of your issues. I am saying that after 6 weeks, he should be able to give you a firm "yes" or "no" answer to the question, "do you want to remain in this marriage or not?". And from what you've said, he's still on the fence. That would not be acceptable to me. We are still having sex. Huh, what? You're separated but still having sex? How does that work? He comes round, you have sex, then he goes home to his other place to sleep??? That sounds highly unusual, and to be honest, pretty weird. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 He'll come over to spend time with me & the kids and then we'll end up having sex and laying in bed together cuddling or napping together. But yes, he then goes back to where he is staying. He did tell me the other day that it needs to stop because emotionally it messes with his head for days. He says that afterwards he drives back, crying. Idk if he feels guilty or what's going on. To me, I enjoy the feeling of connection and being with him even if it's for a short time...Messed up, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Yes, messed up. What does your MC say about that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Exactly. I am not saying that 6 weeks will fix all of your issues. I am saying that after 6 weeks, he should be able to give you a firm "yes" or "no" answer to the question, "do you want to remain in this marriage or not?". And from what you've said, he's still on the fence. That would not be acceptable to me. I guess he is still on the fence because 2 days ago he said "If you would present divorce papers to me, would I sign them? Then he hesitated and said "I honestly don't know." (I consider this an improvement because in the beginning of this all he was telling me constantly was that he was filing.) Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Stop having sex with him. Or, have sex with him under the proviso that he move back in and work on the marriage. He can't have it both ways. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JennK Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Won't he just find someone else to have sex with? I don't want that. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Seriously? If he does then you have your answer to the question "do you want to remain in the marriage or not". If he is so uncommitted to you that he would go out and shag someone else at the drop of a hat, then you're better off without him. Also stop playing happy families. If he wants separation then give him separation. If he wants to spend time with you or the kids then he needs to come back into the marriage. You're letting him have his cake and eat it. No wonder he is perfectly happy to carry on the status quo. He has absolutely no reason to make a decision because you're giving him exactly what he wants right now, which is all the pleasantness of having a family and sex, but he can go off to his own place to have his privacy and "sleep". I would be telling him to choose IN OR OUT. No more of this halfway-in-halfway-out BS that is totally destroying your emotional state. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) Did you say he just lost his job? To most, especially men, that is almost as hard as a divorce. It is a huge factor in his thought process. May I humbly suggest you refocus and help him with this first? If you do this, he wont forget it. Try to become a team on this even if you are just researching job opportunities, helping with resumes etc. Email him this info. What if by luck you happened to email him a job oportunity and he got the job? Ask to go with him on job interviews if you can. Give him support on the way and a high five after. Help him in this way. It may help you alot. A Man without a job is lost. Edited May 28, 2015 by 66Charger 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 You're letting him have his cake and eat it. No wonder he is perfectly happy to carry on the status quo. He has absolutely no reason to make a decision because you're giving him exactly what he wants right now, which is all the pleasantness of having a family and sex, but he can go off to his own place to have his privacy and "sleep". Yes, PNP. OP He could keep this up ad infinitum and leave you with sole responsibility for his kids, whilst he gets to act like a single man. He has sex and cuddles with you when he feels like it, but he could just as well hook up with or even start seeing someone else too when he feels the need. He is "claiming" you by having sex with you, so you don't go off with anyone else, but he is as free as a bird to do as he pleases. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 I think you are probably right. I am not saying 6 weeks will fix a marriage, but 6 weeks space should tell him if he wishes to continue with the marriage or not. Disagree, simply because this isn't about what he wishes to do, it's about what the OP wants. And she wants to stay married to him. JennK, I don't think you have anything to lose by being patient, especially if doing so continues to fit your plans and serve your needs. Same with the sexual component, as long as it works for you. Lots of moving pieces to your situation with separation, job loss and PTSD. Were it me, my goal would be progress rather than resolution. Don't be too swayed by the opinions of others (me included!), it's your life . Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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