What Can I do to get him back?

[unrequitedluv]

Hi,

 

I am lost. 25 with 2 kids and 1 on the way.

 

My husband left me 2 weeks ago.

 

i found out he is having a affair 1 month ago.

He refuse to let go.

I give in to ask him come back and kept quiet while i see him texting her daily.

I access his Hp and managed to know tt he is planning a divorce thus I took the courage up to call the lady as she is married too. The lady was quite a nice lady. eventually she broke off with him. my husband went chasing after her not to break and all and I helped her to push him away by teaching her how to. eventually my husband found out. he was angry and he left.

 

He does not want the kids does not want me.

I am god damm lost.

he say I am controlling, irritating and all.

I do admit my mistake however, we had been lyk this for 8 yrs and I had always ask him over me he always say its fine.

Few days back he said he did not love me for the past 8 yrs of rs (tgt 8 yrs married for 4.) he said all he had done for me was responsibility. (before the affair everything was nice and sweet) wld sm1 becox of responsibility fetch his wife daily and waited for her near her office till even 1-2am when she has frequent OT? will someone becox of responsibility queue hello kitty for her over the midnight? He denied wad he had done is out of love. he denied our 8yrs of love.

 

I want to hold on. I want him back. he claim he found his freedom at last. and probably having a new gal too that he gotten from application.

but rs takes 2 hands to clap.

 

Does waiting bring him back?

 

I dont know how 1 can change within a day and denied the ups and down we had gone through.

I been tru alot alot wif him and help him to whr he is today.

 

I just want a family a loving one for my kids. Am I wrong?

No matter how bad he may feel I am, I love him and help him with all my heart. from a drop out i accompany him and encourage him to where he is now an executive. someone with certificate. i nv look down on him and help him during his poorest. yet end of the day I get from him is.

 

I had never love u. You had mistaken too much for too long.

[PegNosePete]

Why in the name of all that is holy would you want a douche canoe like this back in your life?

He is a cheating arse wipe, and has treated you terribly.

Do you really think he is a good role model for your kids?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

He's not gonna come back & that's a good thing. Focus on your kids, instead of your own needs. Provide them with a healthy & stable home, or put them up for adoption. Kids 1st, partner 2nd. If you want a decent partner, work on yourself, so you don't attract an abuser like your ex.

[unrequitedluv]

He's not gonna come back & that's a good thing. Focus on your kids, instead of your own needs. Provide them with a healthy & stable home, or put them up for adoption. Kids 1st, partner 2nd. If you want a decent partner, work on yourself, so you don't attract an abuser like your ex.

 

Putting kids up for adoptiong is impossible i will bring them up on my own wven if end of the day he is leaving forever. I dun really wan a partner infact, i wan him only. Maybe becox he was my first and only. Maybe becox of the 8yrs. End of the day i cldnt let go. Nt now.

[unrequitedluv]

Why in the name of all that is holy would you want a douche canoe like this back in your life?

He is a cheating arse wipe, and has treated you terribly.

Do you really think he is a good role model for your kids?

 

 

Maybe becox i love him still? Maybe cox i still dependent on him and hoping he will change and be back?

 

He had been a loving father before this incident. Bt using this incident no. He is nt a gd role model.

[PegNosePete]

hoping he will change

This is not a good reason for reconciliation with a cheating partner!

 

Maybe, maybe if he changes his life, and proves to you that he has changed over a long period of time, shows good track record of being a decent human being who treats people with respect, then maybe you could consider taking him back.

 

But taking him back hoping he will change, sorry to say, that is a really, really terrible idea and I guarantee you it will end in tears. Your tears.

[LoveMyCat]

Don't sit around and hope he comes back. And even if he does he cannot be trusted to stay. You need to figure out your life without him. Yes, it sucks, but it happens and you can't force people to love you, or act the way you want them to.

[KBarletta]

I am so sorry this has happened to you, especially while you are expecting a child. But the other posters are right - you need to let this guy go.

 

I just want a family a loving one for my kids. Am I wrong?

 

No - you are not wrong to want this, but you are wrong to believe that the only way you are going to have it is through HIM. Your task now is to realize that he is not good for you (he has cheated on you - while you were pregnant with his child! - and told you basically that he never loved you - that should be enough for you to say not just goodbye but good riddance). And he has said that he doesn't want his children. He sounds like an awful person to turn his back not just on his pregnant wife but on his two soon to be three children.

 

Let him go - concentrate on rebuilding your life without him, take care of yourself and your kids, lean on your close friends and family and you will get through this. And - find a lawyer who can help you file for divorce and seek custody of your children and support from him. He may not want his children, but he sure as hell has a responsibility to care for them anyway.

 

Good luck to you.

[No Limit]

He's an immature prick - since he's likely also just in his mid-20s not much of a surprise though. Why would you want a guy around who doesn't care about his own children? Be glad he's out of the house, now get an attorney and get the child support you and your kids need. Of course, job-wise it's very, very hard with 3 kids - do you have parents or family who could help you out?

[TunaCat]

I know it sucks, but you need to focus on raising your kids and bettering yourself. Stop being dependent on him and pick yourself up by your bootstraps and improve your life.

 

Things to focus on:

1. Your kids

2. Your mental/physical health

3. Financial independence

[unrequitedluv]

Guess I saw a path of no return.

 

My case is totally hopeless not too sure if there is even a 1% of hope. However, I am really stubborn and don't wish to let go.

 

Yup I am shifting my focus on myself and the kids for the time being though.

 

But is there any way that someone could advise instead of giving up?

[PegNosePete]

But is there any way that someone could advise instead of giving up?

You want someone to give you bad advice??

 

Sorry......... not gonna happen. And even if they do, it's still bad advice, which you shouldn't follow.

[sandylee1]

Guess I saw a path of no return.

 

My case is totally hopeless not too sure if there is even a 1% of hope. However, I am really stubborn and don't wish to let go.

 

Yup I am shifting my focus on myself and the kids for the time being though.

 

But is there any way that someone could advise instead of giving up?

 

Two people have to want the marriage and he doesn't, so as hard as it is you have to accept it's over.

 

He is their father and now he doesn't want to see them, because you spoke to his OW. He isn't worthy of your love and you will continue getting cheated on if he comes back to you.

 

If you allow a man to treat you with such disrespect, he will continue to wipe his feet on you.

 

See a counsellor to help. You have been betrayed and worst still while your pregnant, he's a bad husband and a bad father. You have all the evidence you need. Think logically.

 

Read up on the 180. It's a tool to focus on you and will prepare you for life without him. He's a lost cause. ........let him go. He really isn't husband material.

 

Get support from friends and family. You'll need it with a baby on the way.

 

See a divorce attorney and take it from there.

[No Limit]

Guess I saw a path of no return.

 

My case is totally hopeless not too sure if there is even a 1% of hope. However, I am really stubborn and don't wish to let go.

 

Yup I am shifting my focus on myself and the kids for the time being though.

 

But is there any way that someone could advise instead of giving up?

 

The problem is that you're wasting your energy on him when he's long gone. You shouldn't focus on yourself and the kids for the "time being" but for good. That isn't giving up; depending on someone else who already left is giving up, if not one-foot-in-the-grave-hopeless. What's stopping you from becoming independent? There are education programs for anyone, from people who never learned how to read or write to school drop-outs.

[unrequitedluv]

I am indepedent or rather before yes but not when with him, and now I am being forced to again.

 

Daily had been struggling to tell myself dont care about him dont think. Yet I have to cope with my daily anxiety to know how is he living? Is he alright? Is there any hope. Why why why. Going through my brain. I cannot cope. This minute I am calm, next minute I am not. When I try not to contact him or decided. All I see is reply or email from him. His reply to certain things that we had fixed is always changing. I am tired. I am afraid. I dont know whats coming infront of me and nobody will except him? As he is the one deciding.

[sandylee1]

Stop letting him decide and take power in the marriage. You should be angry, not wanting him back when he is not sorry for what he's done.

 

I'm thinking English is not your first language. ..if so, is men cheating more acceptable in your culture? I know it to be the case in parts of Asia and Africa.

 

If you let a man treat you badly, he will continue to do so, because he can get away with it.

[Perfectly Imperfect]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

 

Finding out something like that is absolutely devastating, I know your world seems like it is spinning. At this time try to refocus your energy on taking care of yourself and your kids.

 

You will go through a lot of emotions and it is ok, cry, scream, do whatever you have to. Just don't hurt yourself and try not to cry infront of the kids. But it will be rocky for a little while

 

You are stronger than you think! It's tough right now, but you have little eyes watching you and looking up to you.

 

Know that whatever comes your way you can handle it, but also know that YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH.

 

Do not allow the actions of your husband to be little you, he was in the wrong, NOT YOU.

 

He made the choice to step out of the marriage, it doesn't matter what you did it's NEVER ok to cheat. Don't blame yourself.

 

At the same time don't bow down to him, don't beg. Take back YOUR power... Take some time to think and you decide

 

 

Stay strong, because you are strong no matter how you feel right now.

[preraph]

You need to set higher standards for yourself and not hang on to someone treating you this disrespectfully. Look at the example you are both setting for your children! You're teaching your daughter to put up with anything from a man, and you're teaching your son it's okay to cheat!

 

All you should be thinking about at this point is filing for child support and making him pay for his kids.

[Quiet Storm]

A guy that admits he doesn't want to see his kids is not going to be a good dad. A father that loved his kids would not say something like that. He's cold hearted, and now you know what he's capable of. It one thing to get divorced, but abandoning your kids? You can't trust a man like this... no integrity. You just haven't accepted it yet.

 

When we go though a trauma or betrayal, sometimes it is just too much to take and we can't cope. Our mind, trying to protect us from pain we can't handle, only lets in a little bit of truth at a time. That's why you are still loving him and hoping to be with him, you haven't accepted that he has changed. You can't see that he is unworthy. He'll only bring you guys down.

 

I'm sorry he's such a dick. Do you have family around or friends that can help you? It's OK to reach out in times like this. Please take care of yourself and those babies. You'll be OK.

[unrequitedluv]

Yup.

 

Is a fact I had not walk out of it. Clinging to stupid hopes when I know none would work. He is not worth. Yes its clear for what he had done and for what he is doing now. Like one of the poster say I am unable to accept that someone can suddenly change to become so scary. I am hoping that he is still him. At least the one I used to know with humanity, kindness and integrity.

 

Putting up doesnt mean I am not angry. My heart just doesnt know how to feel anymore day by day. I do not recognize that I should be treated like this. However, if he is still the one I know, I know he do things due to anger, impulsive, childishness. Thus I tolerate because if is still him this is his childish reaction. He escape from stress and doing nothing always seems to be the best option to him.

 

I am trying to discuss maintenance from him for the time being.

However, yet to get direct reply.

 

Should I really lost faith to humanity? Does one really change just within such a short period of time? or should I put myself in his shoes to understand why he react in certain way?

[EverySunset]

Yup.

 

Is a fact I had not walk out of it. Clinging to stupid hopes when I know none would work. He is not worth. Yes its clear for what he had done and for what he is doing now. Like one of the poster say I am unable to accept that someone can suddenly change to become so scary. I am hoping that he is still him. At least the one I used to know with humanity, kindness and integrity.

 

Putting up doesnt mean I am not angry. My heart just doesnt know how to feel anymore day by day. I do not recognize that I should be treated like this. However, if he is still the one I know, I know he do things due to anger, impulsive, childishness. Thus I tolerate because if is still him this is his childish reaction. He escape from stress and doing nothing always seems to be the best option to him.

 

I am trying to discuss maintenance from him for the time being.

However, yet to get direct reply.

 

Should I really lost faith to humanity? Does one really change just within such a short period of time? or should I put myself in his shoes to understand why he react in certain way?

 

Don't lose faith in humanity. Lose faith in him.

 

He is telling you what he is. How he feels. LISTEN.

 

Change is hard. We all know that and it sounds like you are still in shock, not feeling yet. But you will need to act. Soon. For the 3 little people who depends on you for their everything.

 

Go to your local library, if you live in the US. Most offer a free law clinic to help get you started... You can speak with an atty there for free who can get you pointed in the right direction. What to do next. When you go, don't focus on your feelings, focus on facts. Finances. Your job or lack thereof. You're home. How to keep your babies fed because your husband has lost his mind.

 

Now is the time to protect yourself and your children. I can not say this enough.

 

NOW IS THE TIME TO PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN.

 

You don't want this man. He has told you how the future will be. It is your job to realize that you can prevent his abandonment but you need to move now.

 

No, he won't stay and as others have said that is a good thing. Now you have to get legal gears moving to protect your children, and effectively your future.

 

Which will be infinitely better when he's only involved in it to pay child support. If he mans up later, that's great! But your job is to woman up now.

 

Be the partner for yourself he can't be.