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Got a vasectomy and lost my wife...


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I don't know where to begin but I am desparate for some advice that can help put things into persepective.

 

I got married 6 months ago and we are now separated already. It is my second marriage and after the first marriage I vowed I would never marry again. When I met my current wife, N, that all changed. It felt so different, I discovered what love was really about. We planned on having a family and life looked so promising.

 

A couple weeks after we married we had an arguement which led to her telling me she was leaving. I begged her to stay and never threaten that again as it really hurt me. She apologized and said she was just angry and would never really leave. A week later it happened again and she actually packed a suitcase. I begged her to stay and she did. Two days after that she said she wanted to get pregnant.

 

I have a daughter from my first marriage and went through hell with custody issues. It worked out in the end and my first wife and I are actually friends now and our daughter is the most important thing to us. When my current wife threatened to leave, twice, I became very defensive and it brought back a lot of hurt and feelings I had with my first wife. I told myself I would never go through that again so I told N that I didn't want another child.

 

She was devastated and said she couldn't live with that. She ended up really pushing me to reconsider and work on our marriage with the hope that we could still have a family together. I pulled away and told her the marriage wasn't going to work. I rushed out and got a vasectomy thinking I was going to protect myself.

 

I immediately knew I had made a mistake. N has since told me she hates me and refuses to talk to me. She blames me for everything and is very hurt and angry. I don't blame her and I regret such a major mistake. I don't want to lose the marriage but she says it is too late. I really wish I had just taken the time to think things through but I didn't.

 

I have been trying so hard to get her back but the more I try the angrier she gets and the more she lashes out at me. She refuses to talk to me other than to say how much she hates me. I know I really hurt her and I am hoping someone can give me some input on whether or not I am just kidding myself thinking we can get through this. I told her I would be willing to get the vasectomy reversed if we could reconcile the marriage. She told me the damage is done and to leave her alone. Is it really over?????

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it is most likely over,

 

and it is both of yours fault for not talking about this before marriage, tsk tsk

 

1st marriage has 50% divorce rate

2nd marriage has 67% divorce rate

3rd marriage has 75% divorce rate

 

DON'T GET MARRIED AGAIN MAN

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Egads, yes, you should have talked this issue through thoroughly beforehand. OMG. Money and kids, money and kids, kids, TALK about it. EARLY.

 

Yikes.

 

I have friends who right now are breaking up over kids. They've dated for 5 years. He has teenagers from the first marriage, loves his kids, very good dad, and is definitely done, doesn't want any more, period. She has never had kids and is desperate for them. They love each other greatly but are ending it over this one issue. It's a huge issue and must be discussed early.

 

:(

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She ended up really pushing me to reconsider and work on our marriage with the hope that we could still have a family together. I pulled away and told her the marriage wasn't going to work. I rushed out and got a vasectomy thinking I was going to protect myself.

 

Your actions basically informed your wife that her feelings and aspirations are of no importance to you and that you are unwilling to compromise for the marriage. In all honesty, I doubt you have much recourse in saving your marriage. You made a lifetime decision that affected both of you and you demonstrated that you have very little respect for her needs. I don't have much advice on how to fix your marriage because I'd probably end the marriage, too.

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I appreciate the feedback and I know I really screwed up. When she threatened to leave I guess I really overreacted and took it to an extreme. I still love her and I think she still loves me but is too hurt and angry. It's difficult to accept the fact that it's over.

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You made a really high-handed statement in making this decision without discussion. :( (I can tell that you already are aware of that.)

 

The important thing to ask yourself now is why. You must have known that you'd be risking your relationship. You don't make decisions unilaterally in a marriage without consequences. But you made it as permanent as you could.

 

What this suggests is that you REALLY don't want any more children. Or, maybe you don't want any children with this woman. Her behavior has been somewhat erratic according to your post. Maybe you don't trust her enough to go down the same path you went with your ex-wife.

 

It sounds like you got married before you got to know one another well enough. Could this be an issue with you? Do you have a history of impetuous behavior?

 

At any rate...... this a deal-breaker. Compromise is possible in most things, but this shouldn't be one of them. Don't unmake such an important decision unless you truly, without reservation, change your mind and want another child for it's own sake.

 

Your marriage could end in divorce either way, but parenthood is forever.

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Originally posted by desparate

I appreciate the feedback and I know I really screwed up. When she threatened to leave I guess I really overreacted and took it to an extreme. I still love her and I think she still loves me but is too hurt and angry. It's difficult to accept the fact that it's over.

 

Dear DESPARATE:

 

there are FEW decisions in life more important than deciding to have kids or not. I think what you were doing was leading this woman on by saying MAYBE we'll have kids when you knew damn well that she WANTED kids.

 

I have seen other men do this. You knew that you did not want any more but you stringed her along by telling her MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.

 

Most women want kids who don't have them just like most guys want to bang Pamela Anderson.

 

Be more honest next time. I find it hard to believe you two did not discuss this before marriage.

alpha

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1st marriage has 50% divorce rate

2nd marriage has 67% divorce rate

3rd marriage has 75% divorce rate

 

Kindly provide your source.

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Logically the second marriage should be more secure. The past experience helps to do fewer mistakes in relationship. I assume that people know what they want already and more importantly talk about main thing beforehand. I have heard opinion of few people that husbands treat their second wife much better.

 

A couple weeks after we married we had an argument which led to her telling me she was leaving.

 

 

What is the main argument topic you were having with her? IS it all about your ex wife and child?

 

 

 

 

our daughter is the most important thing to us.

 

 

 

 

Did your second wife ever mentioned about wanting kids before you married?

 

 

 

 

She was devastated and said she couldn't live with that. She ended up really pushing me to reconsider and work on our marriage with the hope that we could still have a family together. I pulled away and told her the marriage wasn't going to work. I rushed out and got a vasectomy thinking I was going to protect myself.

 

 

Everyone would tell you did something very wrong and I agree with them. But since you were arguing so much it wasn’t the right thing to consider having kids.

 

 

She told me the damage is done and to leave her alone. Is it really over?????

Nobody can answer you. But even if it is not the end you have a hard and long way to go to straighten your marriage. Good luck.

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I wasn't expecting any sympathy and the honesty people provide restores my faith in people.

 

We did discuss having children before we were married and I was equally if not more wanting to have a child. When she threatened to leave me so early on in the marriage it hit a very sore spot. I was not prepared to bring a chid into a marriage when her reaction to any difficulties we were having was to leave or threaten to leave.

 

I know I have made the biggest mistake of my life and wish I would have handled it differently but I didn't and now I am seeing the consequences. It was like killing a fly with a sledgehammer and at the time I did it I was not thinking rationally. I know it's too late for my wife and I but feel a lot of remorse and guilt. I am sorry I did this to her and our marriage. It was disrespectful and did a lot of damage to her and her trust in men.

 

I didn't do it to hurt her but rather I thought I would protect myself from ever having to deal with child custody issues again. If anyone else out there has there child half the time you know just how hard it is. I know what I did was wrong, I was just holding on to hope that we still had a chance. I know better and now I must find a way to get on with life. I hate myself for this and the future looks very dismal... I don't and will never know how my life ended up this way.

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Originally posted by desparate ....

We did discuss having children before we were married and I was equally if not more wanting to have a child.

 

When she threatened to leave me so early on in the marriage it hit a very sore spot.

 

It was like killing a fly with a sledgehammer and at the time I did it I was not thinking rationally.

 

I would protect myself from ever having to deal with child custody issues again.

 

I hate myself for this and the future looks very dismal... I don't and will never know how my life ended up this way.

 

I think it's a good possibility that you have some leftover issues from your first marriage. You've carried some baggage into your second one, and it's come back to bite you on the butt.

 

You clearly had some kind of panic attack at the prospect of repeating the demise of the first marriage. :eek:

 

I think the only thing you can do now is to get into individual counseling and find out why. Your second wife will NEVER want you back unless this issue is resolved. Sadly, she might not want you back even then. :(

 

But you'll never have another good relationship without working this out in your head. And it's still possible to learn from this and take something good into your next relationship.

 

Call the Member Services on the back of your health insurance card and find out what your mental health benefits are. They will also be able to give you a list of preferred providers in your area.

 

Anxiety can wreck your life if you let it get the upper hand. So get busy and get some help.

 

:)

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Originally posted by alphamale

it is most likely over,

 

and it is both of yours fault for not talking about this before marriage, tsk tsk

 

1st marriage has 50% divorce rate

2nd marriage has 67% divorce rate

3rd marriage has 75% divorce rate

 

DON'T GET MARRIED AGAIN MAN

 

 

Actually, Alpha...

2nd or 3rd marriage both have divorce rate of 60%. It's marriages that begin as affairs that have a 75% rate.

 

And OP -- what you did was foolish and cruel; you drew a line in the sand and told her that was where things stopped. Your only chance at getting this woman back is to become vulnerable; give some power back to her -- reverse the bloody vasectomy, beg her to come back, and spend every expendable penny trying to conceive, if that is what she wants.

 

Perhaps you don't want that. But you can either "win" the battle, or "win" the woman you love.

She won't give in, and I don't blame her.

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I have spent all my time thinking about what I did and the consequences. I know my wife won't be coming back. She hates me and won't even talk to me. I have been blaming myself since the day I did it but I also know that I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want another child. Within 2 months of our wedding day my wife threatened to leave me twice. She threatened this because she knew it would hurt me. She knew what I went through in my first marriage and how hard it was for me to get through it. She knew what those threats would do to me and has never apoligized for them. All I could think was that we would get pregnant and she would leave me. I couldn't let that happen and took a very drastic step. It was cruel and hurt her but having a child from two marriages and fighting for my parental rights again was just not going to happen. I don't know what the future holds, I regret what I have done but I am not an evil person who set out to hurt anyone. I love my wife and wish I could change things and not have made such an impulsive decision when I was so mixed up but I did it. Medically the the mistake can easily be corrected but emotionally it can't. My wife is gone now and I accept responsibility for that. I sincerely hope she gets through this okay, I won't stop loving her and will always pray we can find a way back together...

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You are both equally dysfunctional in this. She sounds like a nightmare too. You are not good for each other, and it's just as well a child was never brought into the mix. Get your divorce and follow the very sound above counseling advice right away.

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I have to agree that you both brought a lot of baggage to your marriage. You violated her trust and understanding with what you did...but she violated a very simple rule in a marriage too. Don't EVER threaten to leave a marriage as a threat to get your partner to do what you want.

 

Neither one of you were ready for this marriage. Personally, I'd suggest that you seek an annullment since its been such a short time. Then, start the relationship over if the two of you still feel like there is anything left to salvage. Both of you have some serious learning and counseling that you need to do before you try this marriage thing again.

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Thanks for the comments bebop. We were and are still dysfunctional when it comes to relating with each other. I am just not at the point where I can move on and forget her. After all, we had many many good time together too. Maybe in time I will see things more clear but right now I am trying to get by one day at a time. By the way, our last conversation, a week ago, I asked her if she wanted to proceed with a divorce and she said she can't even think about that. If she hates me so much why would she not want to start divorce proceedings???

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We can't get an anullment as we were are not catholic. I still think there is something to salvage but I am also kind of an idiot so....

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  • 2 weeks later...

I read this initial post once and I remembered that he clearly said that they planned to have a family. They did discuss kids. The vasectomy was a bad decision to make so irrationally, but certainly one he was allowed to make. What gets me is people thinking they know that you two don't belong together...who are we to tell you this?

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So, all of you are discussing post vasectomy issues which is okay.

 

But something caught my attention when "desperate" said that early in their marriage they had an argument and she threatened to leave.

 

Was she insecure with your love to her or about the relationship the two of you have?

 

Seems like the sh*t hit the fan shortly after the marriage. Why? Whatever it was, could it the cause of all other arguments? Maybe you have to go back to the beginning instead of stressing post vasectomy.

 

Desperate,

You can still have children though it will be a painful procedure for you and will require in vitro fertilization (At least that is what I was told)

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Dear Desperate,

 

I'd be curious to know how long you 2 had dated before you tied the knot. What ages are you both?

 

The fact that she threatened to leave you on TWO occasions within 2 weeks of having been married, that's a huge red flag........but the fact that shortly after doing this she suggested HAVING A BABY - that shows just how screwed up she was, obviously not having a clue about WHY you have babies.....and that you don't bring babies into a marriage that's not stable.

 

I have known guys, nice guys, who in their first marriage (and subsequent divorce) went through such total hell when the marriage ended......with the ex wife making everyone's life hell re: custody (all out of spite)......and them vowing they'd never have children again, let alone remarry, because they'd never risk going through such heartache again....or bring more children into the world who could potentially be taken from him or dragged through court.

 

I can understand why you panicked and went for the big V - you could see for yourself just how unstable your marriage was, that your new wife had obvious issues and how horrible to hear twice within the first couple of weeks of being married that your new bride is threatening to leave.........how cruel..........so you saw yourself going through the same mess you went through in your first marriage...........with having to fight for your kids, the custody battle, the lawyers, the money, the courts, the stress..........and you reacted, albeit in a fairly significant potentially non reversible way.

 

I think the bottom line is that you and your 2nd wife had some significant issues.......what was going on in this argument you had that resulted in her first threat to leave? it was either something really big or she's just not a very stable person and wasn't 100% sure she was doing the right thing when she married you.

 

You very much need counselling..individually and as a couple...hopefully she's willing. She needs to understand WHY you did what you did, due to her very hurtful threats to leave (to me that's verging on emotional abuse, her threats) and you need to understand where she's at now. I think overall though that when a marriage starts off as yours did, it's a sign that it was NOT meant to be......................

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Right now my wife won't speak to me. I have tried to explain my feelings to her and why I made such a panicked decision. It was a mistake that I am really struggling with now. I wish I would have just sat back for a while and waited to see what was really happening. It happened so fast and I was terrifed that life was repeating itself from my first marriage. We had been dating for 2 years before we married and fought about normal relationship issues, ie. money, new home, her role as a step-mom...they were all things that could have been worked out over time. My wife and I are both in our mid 30's. When I heard the threats to leave I simply panicked. She has since apologized for making those threats and says she regrets it more than anything. I asked her if we could go to counselling and try and work through this. I offered to get this vasectomy reversed if we could work through our problems and develop a stable marriage. A reversal within 3 years if the procedure has very high success rates, nearly 97% according to the doctor I have been speaking to. She told me that the emotional damage is too severe and she is not willing to

explore any other possibilities other than divorce. I know I made the critical mistake in this but I love my wife more than ever and can't accept divorce as the only option. The fact that she has completely shut me out hurts. I miss her, our marriage/relationship was filled with so much that was good and loving. Things fell off the track so fast that neither one of us could see it coming or stop it. When she was talking to me she would be very angry and hurt in one conversation then remorseful and even pleasant in the next. I don't want to lose her but I also know that I am too late. Is going to counselling and trying to save this marriage too much to ask of her? We hurt each other but I don't want to give up. She is a wonderful person and neither one of us meant to hurt each other. Is it possible that in time she may be more open to giving our marriage another chance???

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You mentioned her having had issues in the past with her new role as step-mom. So perhaps all of this is compounded by the fact that she might feel you obviously love children but just didn't want any with her.

 

I think it's immature of her to shut you out like this, mind you, I think it was very immature of her to even SUGGEST having children when 2 weeks prior to that, she'd made 2 threats to leave you - after you'd only been married for 2 weeks. A stable, mature woman wouldn't even consider bringing children into the mix if things are this unsteady and she's making threats early on in the marriage to leave.

 

Is she a manipulative person? Is she used to getting her own way and if she doesn't ,she pushes you away?

 

What were the reasons you 2 were fighting back in the beginning of your marriage - that caused her to threaten to leave/pack her bags? That info might be very pertinent here.

 

She hurt you very badly by threatening twice to leave you.........yet it's okay for her to blow you off and not be open to any dialogue.......I don't know what more you can do. Do you really want to be with someone who won't even communicate with you when there's issues?

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When I read replies to my situation things seem so logical but then the emotions get in the way. The first year we were dating I was reluctant to get to close due to part hurts. Eventually I knew I loved this woman and wanted to spend my life with her. It took a lot for me to let my guard down and let her in. Once I did our relationship was amazing. We made plans for the future which included marriage and children. I never looked back and knew we were meant for each other. She had a hard time trusting me due to low self-esteem and always thought I would find someone better. I spent a lot of time reassuring her that it was her that I loved and that she never had to worry about someone better...she was and is the only one for me. She is not a manipulative person, she just doesn't think she deserves to be happy. Even now she has told me she didn't think she was enough for me. I don't know how to get through to her and her shutting me out makes it worse. She threatened to leave early on because of arguements over money. We were by no means struggling, both professionals with very good incomes, but she pays bills the day they come, I procrastinate. An issue but not one big enough to justify the ending of a marriage. I guess I feel a lot of guilt and blame myself for this. I see how much she is hurting and it kills me to know I caused it. I will do anything to try and save my marriage but she refuses to talk about it. She tells me she has to focus on herself now and doesn't know what tomorrow will bring. She said she is not ready to finalize things with a divorce but also says we are through and nothing will ever change that. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere and my wife won't even acknowledge me. I know I hurt her but shouldn't a married couple exhaust all options before a divorce becomes final. I am hurt too but I know I can recover from this if we come together and start to address our problems. Why is she so unwilling to even try??

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How long did all of this come to light?

 

Are you living in separate dwellings now?

 

I suspect she's just so blown away by the vasectomy......that at this point she doesn't see much hope (but that doesn't mean she'll always feel that way). I suspect she needs time to process things. As a woman who had wanted children with, this has to be a real blow........she likely feels very betrayed that you would go behind her back and do something so "extreme" without opening up to her first about your grave concerns about history repeating itself......I'm sure she's taking it very personally that your actions made a statement that you don't want her as a mother for the children you could have had. That is a lot to deal with. this isn't something I've ever heard of happening before. The fact that you're newly married only makes it more upsetting. I understand why you did what you did and there's likely a logical side of her that does, too........but there's the emotional side of her that likely feels like she's been broadsided by a Mack truck.

 

I think you need to get yourself into a marriage counsellor...............just you as she's obviously not at a point where she'd be willing to go. You need someone who's a professional in this type of situation.........of course they can't make her open up to you but they can help you deal with where she's at right now and help you determine the best course of action in terms of whether you let her have her space or you whatnot.

 

Did you truly want children with her? Truly, in your heart of hearts?

 

I guess you could always think really hard about whether you ever want more children.........and if you feel you do (whether it's with her or someone else), you could begin the process of arranging to have the reversal done...............to show her that you're serious.........but I wouldn't recommend doing this if you're only doing this to get her back and you're not 100% sure you ever want to have more children. Some might not think this is good advice, maybe it's not.

 

Does anyone in your or her family know what's gone on here? Do either of you have any kind of support system?

 

Does she even refuse to see you?

 

Get yourself into some counselling ASAP...........you need it also to help you deal with the baggage you have from your past marriage......which obviously came up in this marriage........because if your fears of history repeating itself weren't still so real, you'd have not overreacted like you did - in such an extreme way.

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