LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Got a vasectomy and lost my wife...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12th December 2004, 5:39 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
Got a vasectomy and lost my wife...

I don't know where to begin but I am desparate for some advice that can help put things into persepective.

I got married 6 months ago and we are now separated already. It is my second marriage and after the first marriage I vowed I would never marry again. When I met my current wife, N, that all changed. It felt so different, I discovered what love was really about. We planned on having a family and life looked so promising.

A couple weeks after we married we had an arguement which led to her telling me she was leaving. I begged her to stay and never threaten that again as it really hurt me. She apologized and said she was just angry and would never really leave. A week later it happened again and she actually packed a suitcase. I begged her to stay and she did. Two days after that she said she wanted to get pregnant.

I have a daughter from my first marriage and went through hell with custody issues. It worked out in the end and my first wife and I are actually friends now and our daughter is the most important thing to us. When my current wife threatened to leave, twice, I became very defensive and it brought back a lot of hurt and feelings I had with my first wife. I told myself I would never go through that again so I told N that I didn't want another child.

She was devastated and said she couldn't live with that. She ended up really pushing me to reconsider and work on our marriage with the hope that we could still have a family together. I pulled away and told her the marriage wasn't going to work. I rushed out and got a vasectomy thinking I was going to protect myself.

I immediately knew I had made a mistake. N has since told me she hates me and refuses to talk to me. She blames me for everything and is very hurt and angry. I don't blame her and I regret such a major mistake. I don't want to lose the marriage but she says it is too late. I really wish I had just taken the time to think things through but I didn't.

I have been trying so hard to get her back but the more I try the angrier she gets and the more she lashes out at me. She refuses to talk to me other than to say how much she hates me. I know I really hurt her and I am hoping someone can give me some input on whether or not I am just kidding myself thinking we can get through this. I told her I would be willing to get the vasectomy reversed if we could reconcile the marriage. She told me the damage is done and to leave her alone. Is it really over?????
desparate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 6:02 PM   #2
Established Member
 
alphamale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Detroit, MI :lmao:
Posts: 30,202
snip snip

it is most likely over,

and it is both of yours fault for not talking about this before marriage, tsk tsk

1st marriage has 50% divorce rate
2nd marriage has 67% divorce rate
3rd marriage has 75% divorce rate

DON'T GET MARRIED AGAIN MAN
__________________
"Look at that: a junkie... I got a junkie for a wife... Her womb is so polluted... I can't even have a f**king little baby with her!"

- Tony Montana (Scarface)
alphamale is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 6:15 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: New England
Posts: 152
Egads, yes, you should have talked this issue through thoroughly beforehand. OMG. Money and kids, money and kids, kids, TALK about it. EARLY.

Yikes.

I have friends who right now are breaking up over kids. They've dated for 5 years. He has teenagers from the first marriage, loves his kids, very good dad, and is definitely done, doesn't want any more, period. She has never had kids and is desperate for them. They love each other greatly but are ending it over this one issue. It's a huge issue and must be discussed early.

bebop is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 6:17 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Pocky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: The Chocolate Factory
Posts: 2,985
Quote:
She ended up really pushing me to reconsider and work on our marriage with the hope that we could still have a family together. I pulled away and told her the marriage wasn't going to work. I rushed out and got a vasectomy thinking I was going to protect myself.
Your actions basically informed your wife that her feelings and aspirations are of no importance to you and that you are unwilling to compromise for the marriage. In all honesty, I doubt you have much recourse in saving your marriage. You made a lifetime decision that affected both of you and you demonstrated that you have very little respect for her needs. I don't have much advice on how to fix your marriage because I'd probably end the marriage, too.
__________________
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
__________________
Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
Pocky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 6:24 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
I appreciate the feedback and I know I really screwed up. When she threatened to leave I guess I really overreacted and took it to an extreme. I still love her and I think she still loves me but is too hurt and angry. It's difficult to accept the fact that it's over.
desparate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 6:27 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: New England
Posts: 152
Quote:
It's difficult to accept the fact that it's over.
It always is. Good luck to you.
bebop is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 9:05 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Ladyjane14's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: RETIRED POSTER
Posts: 5,116
You made a really high-handed statement in making this decision without discussion. (I can tell that you already are aware of that.)

The important thing to ask yourself now is why. You must have known that you'd be risking your relationship. You don't make decisions unilaterally in a marriage without consequences. But you made it as permanent as you could.

What this suggests is that you REALLY don't want any more children. Or, maybe you don't want any children with this woman. Her behavior has been somewhat erratic according to your post. Maybe you don't trust her enough to go down the same path you went with your ex-wife.

It sounds like you got married before you got to know one another well enough. Could this be an issue with you? Do you have a history of impetuous behavior?

At any rate...... this a deal-breaker. Compromise is possible in most things, but this shouldn't be one of them. Don't unmake such an important decision unless you truly, without reservation, change your mind and want another child for it's own sake.

Your marriage could end in divorce either way, but parenthood is forever.
Ladyjane14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 9:44 PM   #8
Established Member
 
alphamale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Detroit, MI :lmao:
Posts: 30,202
decision

Quote:
Originally posted by desparate
I appreciate the feedback and I know I really screwed up. When she threatened to leave I guess I really overreacted and took it to an extreme. I still love her and I think she still loves me but is too hurt and angry. It's difficult to accept the fact that it's over.
Dear DESPARATE:

there are FEW decisions in life more important than deciding to have kids or not. I think what you were doing was leading this woman on by saying MAYBE we'll have kids when you knew damn well that she WANTED kids.

I have seen other men do this. You knew that you did not want any more but you stringed her along by telling her MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.

Most women want kids who don't have them just like most guys want to bang Pamela Anderson.

Be more honest next time. I find it hard to believe you two did not discuss this before marriage.
alpha
alphamale is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 9:45 PM   #9
Established Member
 
moimeme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Beautiful British Columbia
Posts: 16,499
Quote:
1st marriage has 50% divorce rate
2nd marriage has 67% divorce rate
3rd marriage has 75% divorce rate
Kindly provide your source.
moimeme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th December 2004, 11:11 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Right here!
Posts: 370
Logically the second marriage should be more secure. The past experience helps to do fewer mistakes in relationship. I assume that people know what they want already and more importantly talk about main thing beforehand. I have heard opinion of few people that husbands treat their second wife much better.

Quote:
A couple weeks after we married we had an argument which led to her telling me she was leaving.

What is the main argument topic you were having with her? IS it all about your ex wife and child?




Quote:
our daughter is the most important thing to us.



Did your second wife ever mentioned about wanting kids before you married?




Quote:
She was devastated and said she couldn't live with that. She ended up really pushing me to reconsider and work on our marriage with the hope that we could still have a family together. I pulled away and told her the marriage wasn't going to work. I rushed out and got a vasectomy thinking I was going to protect myself.

Everyone would tell you did something very wrong and I agree with them. But since you were arguing so much it wasn’t the right thing to consider having kids.


Quote:
She told me the damage is done and to leave her alone. Is it really over?????
Nobody can answer you. But even if it is not the end you have a hard and long way to go to straighten your marriage. Good luck.
Anais is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2004, 1:30 AM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
I wasn't expecting any sympathy and the honesty people provide restores my faith in people.

We did discuss having children before we were married and I was equally if not more wanting to have a child. When she threatened to leave me so early on in the marriage it hit a very sore spot. I was not prepared to bring a chid into a marriage when her reaction to any difficulties we were having was to leave or threaten to leave.

I know I have made the biggest mistake of my life and wish I would have handled it differently but I didn't and now I am seeing the consequences. It was like killing a fly with a sledgehammer and at the time I did it I was not thinking rationally. I know it's too late for my wife and I but feel a lot of remorse and guilt. I am sorry I did this to her and our marriage. It was disrespectful and did a lot of damage to her and her trust in men.

I didn't do it to hurt her but rather I thought I would protect myself from ever having to deal with child custody issues again. If anyone else out there has there child half the time you know just how hard it is. I know what I did was wrong, I was just holding on to hope that we still had a chance. I know better and now I must find a way to get on with life. I hate myself for this and the future looks very dismal... I don't and will never know how my life ended up this way.
desparate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th December 2004, 7:27 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Ladyjane14's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: RETIRED POSTER
Posts: 5,116
Quote:
Originally posted by desparate ....
We did discuss having children before we were married and I was equally if not more wanting to have a child.
Quote:
When she threatened to leave me so early on in the marriage it hit a very sore spot.
Quote:
It was like killing a fly with a sledgehammer and at the time I did it I was not thinking rationally.
Quote:
I would protect myself from ever having to deal with child custody issues again.
Quote:
I hate myself for this and the future looks very dismal... I don't and will never know how my life ended up this way.
I think it's a good possibility that you have some leftover issues from your first marriage. You've carried some baggage into your second one, and it's come back to bite you on the butt.

You clearly had some kind of panic attack at the prospect of repeating the demise of the first marriage.

I think the only thing you can do now is to get into individual counseling and find out why. Your second wife will NEVER want you back unless this issue is resolved. Sadly, she might not want you back even then.

But you'll never have another good relationship without working this out in your head. And it's still possible to learn from this and take something good into your next relationship.

Call the Member Services on the back of your health insurance card and find out what your mental health benefits are. They will also be able to give you a list of preferred providers in your area.

Anxiety can wreck your life if you let it get the upper hand. So get busy and get some help.


Last edited by Ladyjane14; 13th December 2004 at 7:33 AM..
Ladyjane14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th December 2004, 7:28 AM   #13
Waskids
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Lightbulb Re: snip snip

Quote:
Originally posted by alphamale
it is most likely over,

and it is both of yours fault for not talking about this before marriage, tsk tsk

1st marriage has 50% divorce rate
2nd marriage has 67% divorce rate
3rd marriage has 75% divorce rate

DON'T GET MARRIED AGAIN MAN

Actually, Alpha...
2nd or 3rd marriage both have divorce rate of 60%. It's marriages that begin as affairs that have a 75% rate.

And OP -- what you did was foolish and cruel; you drew a line in the sand and told her that was where things stopped. Your only chance at getting this woman back is to become vulnerable; give some power back to her -- reverse the bloody vasectomy, beg her to come back, and spend every expendable penny trying to conceive, if that is what she wants.

Perhaps you don't want that. But you can either "win" the battle, or "win" the woman you love.
She won't give in, and I don't blame her.
  Reply With Quote
Old 16th December 2004, 4:38 PM   #14
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
I have spent all my time thinking about what I did and the consequences. I know my wife won't be coming back. She hates me and won't even talk to me. I have been blaming myself since the day I did it but I also know that I didn't wake up one day and decide I didn't want another child. Within 2 months of our wedding day my wife threatened to leave me twice. She threatened this because she knew it would hurt me. She knew what I went through in my first marriage and how hard it was for me to get through it. She knew what those threats would do to me and has never apoligized for them. All I could think was that we would get pregnant and she would leave me. I couldn't let that happen and took a very drastic step. It was cruel and hurt her but having a child from two marriages and fighting for my parental rights again was just not going to happen. I don't know what the future holds, I regret what I have done but I am not an evil person who set out to hurt anyone. I love my wife and wish I could change things and not have made such an impulsive decision when I was so mixed up but I did it. Medically the the mistake can easily be corrected but emotionally it can't. My wife is gone now and I accept responsibility for that. I sincerely hope she gets through this okay, I won't stop loving her and will always pray we can find a way back together...
desparate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th December 2004, 5:28 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: New England
Posts: 152
You are both equally dysfunctional in this. She sounds like a nightmare too. You are not good for each other, and it's just as well a child was never brought into the mix. Get your divorce and follow the very sound above counseling advice right away.
bebop is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I'm lost...this is my story of my cheating wife High and Low The Other Man / Woman 3 24th June 2005 4:00 AM
My friend lost his wife. ajonesman Coping 2 20th September 2004 3:05 AM
My wife left and now i'm lost coastbeachbum Separation and Divorce 6 15th May 2004 11:06 PM
Wife Has Lost Passion GuyM25 Archive 1 24th September 2001 1:05 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:56 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.