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Sharing child's life with ex. What do I owe?


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TeddyPSmith

STBXW and I have been separated for a few months. I found out she had an affair and is likely in a full blown relationship with him. I despise her because I was going into this divorce thinking that it was all my fault. Anyway, when I have custody of our child, she asks that I send her pictures, videos, and keep her up to date of what we did. She has no problem sharing these things with me but that's because she isn't in any pain from this. I think there's some quid pro quo going on with the pictures. I would NEVER keep my child from calling the ex if she wanted to. I just hate her so much that I don't want to share ANYTHING with her.

 

What is the general etiquette for this situation? Am I being overly sensitive and vindictive?

Thanks

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You're going to be divorced so you don't owe her anything except what the court orders.

 

I would make sure that you don't intentionally or accidentally alienate your kid against his or her mother. Your kid would benefit from an emotional connection to both parents here for a sense a safety. You owe that to your kid whether the court says it or not.

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TeddyPSmith

Thanks. I completely agree with that. If my child wants to speak to her, I ALWAYS oblige. If my child even so much as whimpers "I want mommy", I ask if we should call. When saying prayers at night, I always start with "God bless mommy".

 

I'm referring specifically to sending her pictures of what we did on our weekends together. I am very hurt by our divorce and feel completely betrayed by the affair. Frankly speaking, I want to see her hurt like I do. I want to do the "no contact" thing as much as possible with a child. Sending pictures seems to fly in the face of NC. Maybe I should suck it up and say it's best for the child.

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It doesn't seem to me that sending pics of your time with your child will have an impact on the child, except perhaps for keeping things smooth with the ex. But the impact of keeping her in the loop on your emotional health might be significant, and that WOULD have an impact on the child.

 

 

I would keep it very businesslike. Don't respond directly any requests that aren't related to your agreement.

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STBXW and I have been separated for a few months. I found out she had an affair and is likely in a full blown relationship with him. I despise her because I was going into this divorce thinking that it was all my fault. Anyway, when I have custody of our child, she asks that I send her pictures, videos, and keep her up to date of what we did. She has no problem sharing these things with me but that's because she isn't in any pain from this. I think there's some quid pro quo going on with the pictures. I would NEVER keep my child from calling the ex if she wanted to. I just hate her so much that I don't want to share ANYTHING with her.

 

What is the general etiquette for this situation? Am I being overly sensitive and vindictive?

Thanks

You only owe her what the court orders. As far as her not being in pain....EVERY DOG HAS THEIR DAY. She might be happy now but her world will come crashing down. The boyfriend got your wife through betrayal, cheating & dishonesty. One day he will wonder if she is cheating on him. KARMA!!! Is a wonderful thing.

You may be in pain right now but in time that pain will go away. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Good luck to you. You're going to alright :)

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lolablue17

Your feelings are natural and legitimate. Yet there's also nothing wrong with her request.

 

Next time she asks you, tell her that because of the circumstances of your divorce, Her cheating and the pain she caused you, you're not comfortable with sharing your life with her, therefore you don't want to send any pictures what so ever.

 

It is important to make her understand that:

 

1. It is your personal problem, and not because you want to distance her from your child.

2. Plant the feeling that it may be temporary. You don't commit to that but let her have that hope.

 

Those two things are very important for not making her your enemy.

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STBXW and I have been separated for a few months. I found out she had an affair and is likely in a full blown relationship with him. I despise her because I was going into this divorce thinking that it was all my fault. Anyway, when I have custody of our child, she asks that I send her pictures, videos, and keep her up to date of what we did. She has no problem sharing these things with me but that's because she isn't in any pain from this. I think there's some quid pro quo going on with the pictures. I would NEVER keep my child from calling the ex if she wanted to. I just hate her so much that I don't want to share ANYTHING with her.

 

What is the general etiquette for this situation? Am I being overly sensitive and vindictive?

Thanks

 

Teddy -

As someone who is in a very similar circumstance, I can totally understand your reluctance to share details/photos/videos, etc., with your STBXW. It seems - in a way - like a method of keeping tabs on you, and I would be very resistant to that. Your time with your child is *yours* and not hers. I assume she has plenty of time on her own with the child to make her own memories. And it's up to her whether she shares those with you. If it were me, I would ask her nicely not to do so because it causes you pain.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with her asking. I also don't think there is anything wrong with you not complying.

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This is really what visitation time is for. It really depends just how involved your ex is with your child. My older girls mother ran off for ten years and called once a year. When they hit about 14 she decided she wanted to come back and be super mom to them again. The hell she put me through made things really clear for me. If she wanted visitation time I would give it but as far as paying for anything for her that was out of the question. Your just going to have to gauge what you think is fair in your heart. My younger kids mom did the same thing as yours did. She cheated on me through out the marriage and I threw her out when I caught her the last time. She really is not much a part of there life and It kills them. I went over board trying to get her more involved and even gave the child support back and paid for gas for there car. In the end it just has not worked out. The real truth is if they wanted to be a mother to there kids they would have worked for them and involved themselves more in there lives. Your just going to have to see what works best for you but I would not over extend myself.

 

On another not I am not all that for a cheater having alot of access to the children. I have learned over the years most cheaters do not learn from there actions and only go on to repeat there behavior. Sadly its not just the cheating you have to worry about with kids involved. Its the violence and the other things that come with that. If she was willing to bring another man into the relationship it shows clearly she is willing to take a chance on the child's health and well being. I know some people will no agree with this and think they can separate being a cheater and a parent but I seriously just disagree.

 

Stay strong for your child and push for a positive and healthy life.

 

Clay

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TeddyPSmith

Thanks for your replies. It turns out that she is definitely in a full blown relationship with the guy and has been trying to introduce him to her friends. Some of them have been disapproving and refused to meet. After hearing this, I have all of the internal ammunition I need to keep my daughter and I's time together OUR TIME. She will not get pictures, videos, updates about how my child slept or ate. My time with my child is my time. She can go to hell.

 

Now on to the next set of problems...how to handle STBXW bringing him into my child's life. No idea how to handle that but I'm sure the ex will disappoint me.

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PegNosePete

Unfortunately you don't have any say in that. Unless he's a criminal or otherwise a threat to the safety of your child, I'm afraid that when/what/who your wife introduces to your child is none of your business.

 

Same goes for you or your future partners. Unless they are a danger to the child, it's none of your ex's business.

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Methodical

Her request is most likely harmless, especially since she is reciprocating, but until everything is officially settled, I'd be careful...she could be fishing for ammunition against your parenting ability to leverage custody arrangement. I highly doubt that's the case, but it pays to be careful. Enjoy your quality time with your daughter.

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First off, don't bother with pictures or anything. If she wants to make memories she'll leave her "soulmate" for a couple of hours and come visit her daughter, not get pictures sent to her like she ordered from some guy from a shelter where she left her dog while she's on vacation. Fight tooth and nail for custody, she isn't the sane type a child needs.

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Unfortunately you don't have any say in that. Unless he's a criminal or otherwise a threat to the safety of your child, I'm afraid that when/what/who your wife introduces to your child is none of your business.

 

Same goes for you or your future partners. Unless they are a danger to the child, it's none of your ex's business.

 

I would keep any communication between you and your ex about essential information. Unless your child is sick or hurt or something, there's no reason to communicate much else.

 

Also, I agree with other posters that you should seek as much time with your child as possible, especially given that she seems determined to introduce another man into the picture. Be there for your child as much as you can. Good luck.

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Now on to the next set of problems...how to handle STBXW bringing him into my child's life. No idea how to handle that but I'm sure the ex will disappoint me.

 

That's the other side of the coin. Just as you don't have to comply with her shared media requests, nor does she have to consider your wishes regarding her time with your child and her BF. Good points and bad, that's how divorce works.

 

My advice based on 25+ years of dealing with xW is to focus on your time with your child and - with very few exceptions - let the rest go. The Serenity Prayer* is both applicable and handy in this situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

* God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

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I would get the name of any suitor and run it through a sexual predator database if your state has one. Just in case.

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stillafool

I don't know why pictures are necessary for her. As long as your child is safe and she is if she's with you (her father) why is it any of her business what you and your kid do together. I would tell her not to send you pictures as well. F-her.

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still_an_Angel

You don't owe her anything, however, being a co-parent with my stbxh who "remembers" to spend time with his kids when its convenient for him, I appreciate the other parent wanting to be actively engaged in the kids.

 

 

So at a very young age, I created facebook accounts for my 2 older kids and from there, their dad and all relatives are connected and can see what each child is up to and its got nothing to do with me as I have my own fb account. He gets what all the relatives see, and he cannot claim that he knows nothing of what the kids are doing as he is connected to fb via his phone. This way, we do not need to communicate, when the kids learned how to read and write, I slowly gave them access to their fb accounts. Now my oldest child manages his on his own and I monitor the 2 younger ones' accounts until they are old enough.

 

 

Unfortunately, much as I would like him to pop out of my life like a bubble, I have to accept that we are and will be connected via the kids.

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TeddyPSmith

Facebook page...That's a good idea. I've decided that I'll share the pictures if I feel like it. Could others see me as childish for "withholding" my daughter's time with me? Who the f**k cares! They aren't going through the pain that I'm going through. Neither is the ex for that matter.

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Your time, is your time. She isn't a part of that and you are under no obligation to send her pictures. I'm not divorced, but I don't take pics of every moment with the kids.

 

Only do what you have to and enjoy your parenting time.

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Miss Clavel
Thanks. I completely agree with that. If my child wants to speak to her, I ALWAYS oblige. If my child even so much as whimpers "I want mommy", I ask if we should call. When saying prayers at night, I always start with "God bless mommy".

 

I'm referring specifically to sending her pictures of what we did on our weekends together. I am very hurt by our divorce and feel completely betrayed by the affair. Frankly speaking, I want to see her hurt like I do. I want to do the "no contact" thing as much as possible with a child. Sending pictures seems to fly in the face of NC. Maybe I should suck it up and say it's best for the child.

 

 

okay, off the top of my head, this sounds weird. how long is your daughter separted from her mother? do you have her for weeks or months? is your place a world away? wth?

 

if it was me, unless you have your child for more then three days, i would send nothing. unless your home is far away, somewhere your ex or child have never been, then i say, no pictures.

 

your ex sounds like some kind of leech. self centered and controlling.

 

if there is a moment you want to capture for yourself, take a picture. if you want to share, share. but, i would not say to your child, "let's take a pic and send it to mommy". that just reminds the child that mommy isn't there, that mommy and daddy aren't together.

 

 

 

is it possible that your stbex is looking for evidence or that she wants to gaze on your image? i get she might be missing her child. and if she misses her child THAT much, maybe suggest she take some pictures of her own and look at those.

 

good luck.

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