6 months separated and still in limbo

[MarieB215]

Hey everyone,

Husband moved out 6 months ago. I iniated separation, but after 6 weeks realized I wanted to work on the marriage. He proceeded to move out. Since then, he has admitted to an emotional affair during separation (I have made my own fair share of mistakes as well believe me). We went a month ago and sat for a mediation consultation. Husband was supposed to call and didn't. He's told me several times that he's done, but then also says he could see moving forward. He told me he can't handle the constant inquisition from me regarding the state of us/the marriage. I asked him to reach out and text to show a small act of good faith that we are moving forward in a positive direction and he responded well to that-texting almost every day this week. Lately, he has been devoting the majority of his free time to spending time w the EA girl, her kids and her husband. They watch sports together, went to a BBQ together, and I think he's at their house again tonight. Anyway, last night I sent him an email thanking him for showing me the good faith text and then today, I don't hear from him. I don't know how to cope with this limbo much longer-but I also don't want to end it so I feel like I have no choice. I've lost 30 pounds and I can't sleep. I don't know what I'm even looking for posting this, but I've also exhausted my friends by constantly trying to dissect everything. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I just miss him.

[Satu]

Get out of your head and into your body.

 

Do something physical, exercise, walk, ride your bike, stretch, breathe.

 

After a certain point thinking and analysing things just wears you out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Husband moved out 6 months ago. I iniated separation, but after 6 weeks realized I wanted to work on the marriage.

 

You have to realize sometimes a card laid is a card played.

 

If you initiated separation and 6 weeks went by under the premise you were divorcing, that can be much to recover from. At this point, your H seems to consider himself single or at least on the road to getting there.

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

Welcome to LS - sorry you are in this situation.

 

I am looking at this from your husband's perspective - based on what you wrote, he has probably lost a good bit of trust for you, since you initiated the separation. If he is like me, then he probably has a good deal of worry that if you got back together, that you would leave again. That is one thing that would cause me to be very cautious if my wife came back after leaving.

 

I also find it hard to blame him completely for having an emotional affair during a separation that was not his choice. He likely felt that the marriage was over when you left. He was probably hurting deeply and looking for comfort. An emotional affair is not an uncommon outcome in that situation.

 

All that being said, I have a few questions: Have you completely come clean with your husband about your feelings and your desire for a full reconciliation? Have you been to see a counselor, alone or as a couple?

 

As the one who initiated the separation, it's up to you to repair the situation if you want it to survive. You need to be 100 percent honest with your husband about your intentions to reconcile, suggest counseling and try to work on rebuilding the trust that you've lost.

 

Good luck.

[PegNosePete]

At the moment he is having his cake and eating it. He is off with EA girl, building a relationship. But if that falls through, he can go back to good old faithful wifey who is sitting at home pining for him. He has the best of both worlds, and you're giving them to him on a silver platter.

 

You need to tell him that he needs to make a choice between you and EA girl. Not in 6 months, not in a month, but today. Tell him that if he wants to be with her then it's fine, you will divorce him and he is free to pursue whoever he likes. But if he wants to save the marriage then he needs to get his ass back home and cut all contact with EA girl today.

 

He won't like that (spoiled children don't like being told they can't have both toys) but you have to cut through that. He will make a decision today whether he likes it or not. If it's not you then it's her. There is no 3rd option.

 

I hope you wore your big girl pants today.

[WasOtherWoman]

You need to tell him that he needs to make a choice between you and EA girl. Not in 6 months, not in a month, but today. Tell him that if he wants to be with her then it's fine, you will divorce him and he is free to pursue whoever he likes. But if he wants to save the marriage then he needs to get his ass back home and cut all contact with EA girl today.

 

He won't like that (spoiled children don't like being told they can't have both toys) but you have to cut through that. He will make a decision today whether he likes it or not. If it's not you then it's her. There is no 3rd option.

 

I hope you wore your big girl pants today.

 

How is he a spoiled child though? The OP initiated the separation, she is hardly in a position to be making demands now, is she? Maybe I misread?

[MarieB215]

I did initiate so I do feel like he holds the "you want it you got it" card right now. I just never thought I could be so weak and that he could be so cruel. I email him thanking him for reaching out and showing me he wants to move forward and he stops. Initially when I asked him to show some consistency in reaching out I was clear that it would be to show good faith that we could be moving forward, so there was no ambiguity in why I was asking. We have been together for over 18 years, and I feel like I don't even know him or myself anymore. The thing w the EA girl, is that her husband saw all the texts between my husband and his wife, and now they're all one big happy group. My husband went to their house Friday and Sunday night and went to a BBQ with them on Saturday. He is basically rubbing my nose in the fact that he is spending all this time w her her husband and their kids. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. He is getting a temporary transfer for the summer, and is now saying he can't make any decisions about us because he is stressed about the transfer. He is by no means making out on the separation deal, as he is still paying $ towards the mortgage and is living in a shoebox as opposed to our house. I appreciate everyone's input. I just don't know how much more I can mentally handle. Thanks everyone for your replies.

[PegNosePete]

He is getting a temporary transfer for the summer, and is now saying he can't make any decisions about us because he is stressed about the transfer.

Yeah right. If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. He is simply delaying the decision because he wants to see how things go with EA girl first, whilst keeping you on reserve.

 

Look it doesn't matter who initiated the separation. The fact is that he is now shacked up with another woman and while that is the case, he is quite clearly not interested in reconciling with you. However he doesn't want to completely shut that door... he wants to keep you as a backup plan, in case things don't work out with his fancy woman. Are you OK with that?? Being held on reserve, as second prize, in case he doesn't get his first choice? I certainly wouldn't be OK with that, and I don't think any self-respecting person would be either.

 

So what can you do about it, you can tell him that if he wants to fix his marriage then he needs to get his ass back right now. If he doesn't, then you'll be filing for divorce by the end of the week.

Edited May 27, 2015 by PegNosePete

[KBarletta]

Yeah right. If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. He is simply delaying the decision because he wants to see how things go with EA girl first, whilst keeping you on reserve.

 

Look it doesn't matter who initiated the separation. The fact is that he is now shacked up with another woman and while that is the case, he is quite clearly not interested in reconciling with you. However he doesn't want to completely shut that door... he wants to keep you as a backup plan, in case things don't work out with his fancy woman. Are you OK with that?? Being held on reserve, as second prize, in case he doesn't get his first choice? I certainly wouldn't be OK with that, and I don't think any self-respecting person would be either.

 

So what can you do about it, you can tell him that if he wants to fix his marriage then he needs to get his ass back right now. If he doesn't, then you'll be filing for divorce by the end of the week.

 

 

Is this really the case, OP? I feel like we need more info on this EA partner. Because OP said this:

 

he has been devoting the majority of his free time to spending time w the EA girl, her kids and her husband.

 

So the emotional affair partner has a husband? Who spends time with your husband? I don't get this relationship exactly. Unless I am missing something, OP's estranged husband is not "shacking up" with another woman, but is spending time with her and her family (and husband).

 

Am I missing something? This doesn't exactly sound as if he's pursuing a relationship with her.

[MarieB215]

Correct, she has a husband who she wasn't happy with apparently, so she pursued the EA with my husband. Her husband discovered the texts between her and my H, and he called her out and wanted to meet my husband who agreed to meet and 'calm th waters' I guess. So now the three of them have been spending countless hours together (and with their kids). Believe me, I wish I could understand the dynamics myself...

[KBarletta]

Correct, she has a husband who she wasn't happy with apparently, so she pursued the EA with my husband. Her husband discovered the texts between her and my H, and he called her out and wanted to meet my husband who agreed to meet and 'calm th waters' I guess. So now the three of them have been spending countless hours together (and with their kids). Believe me, I wish I could understand the dynamics myself...

 

Yeah, I don't get this either, unless the EA partner has successfully convinced her husband that your husband is "just a friend" and they all just "hang out." Even then, I don't get it, honestly.

 

But it seems to indicate - to me, at least - that there isn't anything going on physically between your H and the other woman. So I feel like some posters on here are jumping to conclusions that aren't really borne out by the evidence, at least not yet.

[66Charger]

Marie your husband has done the 180 on you. Whatever was in the text to the EA partner was obviously non threatening or the EA worked for the benefit of their relationship. More than likely your husband told this guy some things and his lightbulb went on. There is no point in this being a factor in your thought process.

 

If you truly love your husband you had better first look at what's not working. Telling him to show you this or that first before you totally recommit? How's that working for you. Going by your post only, you did this. It is up to you to do the heavy lifting to get him to reconsider and move home. Then, its on both of you equally.

 

Making demands ain't going to work. You can either do the 180 yourself or, without begging or demanding, let him know you were wrong about seperating and should have sat down and worked this out. Be honest, let your heart flow and then let him see the change and come back at his pace. Don't push, text a lot or call. Go LC. What have you got to lose? the comforts of a LTR, with a "new" woman is a enticing prospect. Become a better you. Stand firm on your vows and let him know that's a deal breaker too. But take it easy for a bit. Don't be a doormat. Be smart. Think like your husband and go get him back

[MarieB215]

Thanks again for all the replies. I 100% agree that it is up to me to show him the changes I've made and that if he decides to come home it needs to be work and effort on both our parts. I see him about once a week when he comes by to drop off money for bills or to pick up his mail. Where I am currently unhinged is I threw out to him meeting tomorrow night for coffee. Now if he says no, I instantly want to fall back and say "so you can't see me for an hour or don't want to see me yet you were fine spending Friday, Saturday, Sunday,and Monday with EA woman and her family?" Because that is making me come unglued. I know I initiated the separation and now I have to lie in my bed, but I just wish I could move on. It's just so hard. I don't want to give up, but I feel like what's the motivation for him to move home. I guess that statement should speak volumes...

[66Charger]

You are the motivation for him to move back. You are a beautiful woman and dont ever forget that. So what you have problems. Next time he comes.to pay the bills, look sexy as all hell. Dont ask him for coffee and dont flirt. Let your female do the talking. Answer the door with a bright smile sexy dress and some cleavage. But dont be obvious. Feel in your soul that its a beautiful day with him or without him.. He will look. Seduce him again. Take your time.. You can do it. He may ask where are you going. Just say thisbis the knew you and you feel good. I would be intetested to know the length of time it takes to get a phone call or text after that.

Anyone who says this is sexist, f them. Drop the poor me, why dont you have time for me sad crap. Become "The Woman" and after a while if he doesnt respond, go out in that short pretty black dress and knock some socks off, however I bet he looks. Ask any male poster on here if his wife of 5 10, 15, 20 years can still seduce them. Hell yea

Edited May 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

Ps. Even if it works right away Don't have sex. He has got to earn that one.

[minimariah]

How is he a spoiled child though?

 

because he doesn't know what he wants & if he DOES know, he isn't letting it be known to his W. grown adults don't ping-pong - they make up their mind, come up with some kind of plan & take action.

 

then again... maybe the OP's H has a plan & he IS taking action... without the OP's knowledge.

 

The OP initiated the separation, she is hardly in a position to be making demands now, is she?

 

what does her initiating a separation has to do with making demands? she can make as many demands as she wants for the future she wants, she'll never NOT be in that position. it is up to him to either accept or refuse. & the same thing goes for him -- he can make as many demands as he wants for the future he wants.

 

OP - not really sure what's up with your H hanging out with his AP & her family... but i think you should move on. he doesn't act like a man who wants you, so all is pretty much clear here.

[66Charger]

"Get your ass back here right now, or I will divorce you by the end of the week.

 

Boy, that will make a man who was booted out of his house come running.

 

Maria, there are a lot of negative people on here. You can fight and demand or you can try it a different way. If you want to get your man back, you better start thinking like one.

 

Hmm let me see, a woman who is demanding things from me after she slapped me in my face or...

This changed happy flower, looking soooo good. Who is obviously teasing me. Did she just flash me?

 

Tough decision.

Try something else. You think its hard, but if you crack that armor just a little, you may have a chance to live a different life with your husband.

Stay positive for just a little bit more. War breads war. Damn these naysayers

[MarieB215]

I really want to keep fighting-believe me I do. I just worry that he's just not going to crack and want to come back. He's told me he wants to come back but he's terrified of getting hurt again. I believe that and I get that-I do. But I'm terrified of living this limbo only for it to end anyway you know? 66charger I really appreciate all your kind words and positive vibes and suggestions. I also do appreciate everyone's honest input. Much appreciated at this sad and uncertain time in my life. My gut does tell me to just keep trying a little longer-6 months feels like a short time after we've been together for over 18 years..

[66Charger]

Wait..He has told you he wants to come back but is worried about getting hurt?

 

THAT IS YOUR CRACK IN THE ARMOR!!!! You need to really lose the negative vibes and focus on that statement. There is no AP. Not even the lowest doormat would invite the OM over for a BBQ. Really Marie? Do not distort your reality. You have a decent shot here. Change your way of thinking TODAY. Your post show you have learned the lesson, if he were to know your anguish, that fear may get relieved. Write him a letter today letting him know how this hurts you. How much you miss him and want this to never happen again. Tell him about the dark.

DONT GIVE HIM THIS LETTER. Wait until he wants you again. (He does now, but all Men have egos) wait until the feelings start to return and when he brings up his concern. Give it to him then. He will read what you are saying to all of us. It will help.

 

You will probaly get this man back in your house, but then you have to do the work to keep him there and vice versa. You can do this. Wake up tomorrow, open your doors and breathe in a fresh new day. I read so much dirt on here. Noireks, giraffes, the one you hate. Dont listen to this kind. Have faith in yourself. You are a woman, so get going.

Edited May 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[minimariah]

I really want to keep fighting-believe me I do.

 

if you believe there is something worth fighting for - then fight.

 

you separated from him for a reason. separation -- that's a BIG step and you chose to do it for a reason. he moved on & emotionally connected with someone else. he isn't acting like he wants to work on your relationship & like he wants you back.

 

when you love someone - you love them & you're going to do anything to be with them. love isn't prideful, love isn't egotistical. love isn't games & plotting. don't wait around for someone who doesn't want you, who wasn't good to you in the past. like i already said -- you kicked him out for a reason.

 

i think you should continue with separation & focus on yourself for a change. on your own life, figure out what makes you happy.

 

chances are -- he checked out. his EA is a proof of that so not really sure if you can bounce back from it ESPECIALLY when he continues to be around his AP.

 

some relationships & marriages aren't worth saving, what if there is something so much better waiting for you out there? think about what would your life be like WITH and WITHOUT him.

 

i honestly think you're both done with the M, but those 18 years & fear of stepping into the unknown are probably holding you back. take it easy & focus on you, on what YOU want from life.

Edited May 28, 2015 by minimariah

[66Charger]

You have to really take a look at these post and posters. What they say is who they are.

Who are you Marie? Who do you want to be? Will you be on here years from now spitting hate and venom? Choose your tommorrows.

 

Regardless what anyone says here, something happened in the conversation with the other husband. Something that helped them This may be completely wrong, but perhaps you should reach out to the "ow". Her husband reached out to yours and now they have BBQ together.. Have coffee with this woman. You will then know if he loves you or not. She knows. Again, I may be horribly wrong and they may be swingers or something, but get all the help you can get before you call it quits

[minimariah]

...his may be completely wrong, but perhaps you should reach out to the "ow"...

 

Marie, please DON'T do this. you have nothing to discuss with the OW, everything you need to discuss - discuss with your H ONLY (& maybe your marriage counselor). no need for you to reach out to another woman to discuss YOUR marriage and YOUR H's feelings, that's ridiculous.

 

also, Marie - you're allowed to do what YOU want with your life & you're allowed to have different opinions than others... even if they're sometimes pessimistic -- don't let others convince you that you'll be full of "hate & venom" if you choose to end your marriage. you won't.

[66Charger]

No one is telling her what to do. Stop panicking. And she is reaching out to others to discuss her marriage.

 

Marie, You have been given different opinions, but thats all they are. I dont pretend to know you or your H. I said I might be wrong, but what seems ridiculous to me is a Husband, AP and her husband. Kicking it together if there was any type of affair. And you were seperated.

 

If you feel burning it down is the right way to go, then do so. It goes without saying that you can quit anytime. No one needs to give you a reason.

 

But arent you on here trying to find the strength to give it one more shot? Arent you saying you want your husband back? If this is true, go all in. Even if it doesnt work, you know you gave it all. Do not let fear rule you.

 

Regardless i dont want this to be the force battling the dark side. This is your life not mine or a wayward

 

I will wish you well.

Edited May 28, 2015 by 66Charger

[lark265]

I did initiate so I do feel like he holds the "you want it you got it" card right now. I just never thought I could be so weak and that he could be so cruel. I email him thanking him for reaching out and showing me he wants to move forward and he stops. Initially when I asked him to show some consistency in reaching out I was clear that it would be to show good faith that we could be moving forward, so there was no ambiguity in why I was asking. We have been together for over 18 years, and I feel like I don't even know him or myself anymore. The thing w the EA girl, is that her husband saw all the texts between my husband and his wife, and now they're all one big happy group. My husband went to their house Friday and Sunday night and went to a BBQ with them on Saturday. He is basically rubbing my nose in the fact that he is spending all this time w her her husband and their kids. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. He is getting a temporary transfer for the summer, and is now saying he can't make any decisions about us because he is stressed about the transfer. He is by no means making out on the separation deal, as he is still paying $ towards the mortgage and is living in a shoebox as opposed to our house. I appreciate everyone's input. I just don't know how much more I can mentally handle. Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

Hello....thanks for your posts. Reading them has helped me in my position. I can see now that my wife can easily feel that she is holding all the cards (I initiated our separation 4 years ago). Lately I have been longing sentimentally for us again....it's like for some reason now, all of a sudden, I miss something from the past. Or maybe I am REALLY tired of limbo-ness. Anyway, after reading your posts, I kind of feel like a whiner. I am laying my heart at her doorstep. And of course she is eating it up. I have been interpreting her non-responsiveness as her not being able to decide quite yet about our possible future back together. But she has no motivation to act.....she knows I will keep begging at the window......let's both try to step back a bit.......see what happens...........thanks again.

[MarieB215]

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to read and offer advice and suggestions. I appreciate it greatly. I am at a crossroads here..like many other posters it's hard to know which direction to go in at this point. I really want to work on my marriage and improve both it and myself, but I know it takes two for that to happen. I will admit it is tempting to pursue divorce, but that would just be an attempt to regain some control of this situation, rather than what I truly want at this point. Thank you again for all your advice and kind words.