Suffering greatly from divorce. Showing neediness to women due to loneliness.

[UnknownSoldier]

I just recently filed divorce with a woman whom I was with for 7 years, and she didn't show up to the hearing. I filed due to infidelity, and she just disappeared, and never contacted me back. My next therapist appointment isn't until a week from now.

 

I'm going through divorce depression right now, and I seem to be showing neediness to women, and it's scaring them off. The reason why is because I feel lonely, and my brain goes into an emotional overdrive when a girl gives me her phone number.

 

A girl at my job gave me her phone number that showed interest, but she got a bit scared off after I went into emotional overdrive. During our second conversation, I was feeling light headed, was zoning/spacing out, stuttering, increased heart rate, romantic flash backs, sparks & butterflies, you know the drill. It was pretty bad, but she laughed it off. She knows I'm going through post divorce, and has shown forgiveness. She later hinted off to me she was a lesbian, but still wants to be friends.

 

A girl I knew from college 6 years ago contacted me through LinkedIn. I blew my chances after coming on too strong by sending 2 e-mails, 1 LinkedIn message, and 1 Face Book message. One e-mail contained my picture and phone number. She denied my friend request after I saw the green button turn gray, which is a bad sign. You can read my thread about it by checking my profile. According to her profile, she's single.

 

It seems like I'm going through some very bad depression due to my divorce, and I'm scaring off potential relationships by going through these emotional overdrives. They automatically happen, and it seems I can't control them. The girl notices this, and gets a little weary of me. The reason why I'm trying to get into a relationship is because my emotions are greatly wounded from filing, and I'm looking for a bandage. I feel that getting into another relationship will heal my divorce depression, but my therapist disagrees, because she says I'm not completely over my ex-wife. She said she strongly believes I need to wait a while before getting into another relationship, because I'm not completely over the old one. She also says I need to be around people in order to resolve my sanity of loneliness.

 

Here's the problem, when I am out in public, I see couples kissing and holding hands, and I end up running to the bathroom, crying in a stall. I've also had tears break out in public areas, and have had men and women walk up to ask if I'm OK. I tell them I'm suffering from divorce depression, and they comfort me a little. This is seriously affecting me, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. The therapist sessions are helping, but my depression comes back during the week, I'm crying again, and this repeats over and over. As a man, I feel I am not as emotionally strong as other men. The woman I filed divorce with was the first woman I ever had, meaning my heart is more tender compared to other men that have gone through way more break ups than me.

 

I want to be strong, I'm trying, I'm hanging in there. As of now, I just don't know what to do. I feel only time is going to heal this depression, and I have to be patient. My therapist said this could go on for months, possibly till the end of the year. I feel I want another woman to ease my pain, but fate is destroying it at the same time.

[Satu]

I want to be strong, I'm trying, I'm hanging in there. As of now, I just don't know what to do. *I feel only time is going to heal this depression, and I have to be patient. My therapist said this could go on for months, possibly till the end of the year. *I feel I want another woman to ease my pain.

 

*You are nowhere near ready to date.

 

You are looking for lifeboat in the form of a woman, rather than a woman.

 

That could never be made to work.

 

So you're going to have to use other means to heal your pain.

 

Keep going to your therapy and find new ways of supporting yourself emotionally.

 

Nobody else will ever be able to make your pain go away.

 

But you can heal. You can become better at looking after yourself. You can learn to love yourself. Ultimately, you can move on.

 

No woman for you now.

 

That should come later, when you've done some healing.

 

 

Love,

 

Satu.

Edited May 18, 2015 by Satu

[notbroken]

Take it easy on yourself. You've been through a hard time.

 

Get in the gym. Go alot. It will help with your confidence, make you feel better, and may be the single biggest thing you can do for yourself short term.

 

Don't put pressure on yourself to feel better 'by the end of the year' or any other time schedule. It WILL happen. No expiration date though.

 

Get good with yourself before feeling you have to get another girlfriend. Don't feel that every girl is a 'must have'. Approach them as if it would be nice to go on a date or two but you'll get another if it doesn't work out. You will.

 

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They are short term solutions and it will backfire. Additionally, they are depressants and definitely won't help you.

 

Pick up a new hobby or two. It doesn't have to be chasing women.

 

Don't compare yourself to others. They are hiding their own pain. Don't worry about your 'toughness' compared to them. It doesn't matter.

 

One day soon you will wake up thinking something is different. It will be you. You will no longer need a woman to feel complete. She will be an addition to the happy you. It WILL happen. Keep the faith.

[KBarletta]

Your therapist is correct. You are not ready. It is not fair to you, or to a potential mate, to get into a relationship at this stage. Focus on your own healing, spend time with friends and family, continue going to therapy, and when the time is right, you will know. When you're reacting emotionally to seeing couples holding hands, that's a sign that you are most definitely NOT ready to date. Stick to your own healing for now, and worry about a relationship later. Any relationship you got into now would be destined to fail anyway, and that would potentially be worse for you than your current loneliness. Hang in there.

[chew123]

Unknown soldier

 

Plenty of time to date later. Take some time to heal yourself first. Your therapist is right and you are obviously not ready. I was very needy at first and thinking I would never find someone else. If I dated at that point it would not have been fair to anyone. And after being rejected by my longtime spouse, any more rejection would really send me reeling.

 

Find something else to occupy your time besides women.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Find something else to occupy your time besides women.

 

US, you've gotten good advice to which I'll add one thing.

 

Join a coed group. If you're athletic, could be softball team, tennis club, riding group, etc. Other non-sport options are volunteer groups, book club, chess group etc.

 

It's a chance to be with people- women included - in a non-dating situation. No pressure, you're just one of the crowd. And it allows you to relate as friends over time rather than forcing romance. Other positives are that these activities occupy your time, fight loneliness and the physical part clears your mind.

 

Give it a shot, hope it will help. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

You don't need to jump back into the pool right away. It's okay to heal, your next relationship won't be long lived if you don't. See it from the bright side - there's already a row of women at your door who would like to meet up with you. Just tell them that you aren't ready for dating yet, I'm sure they'll understand (and if not, then at least you know you shouldn't get involved with them).

 

Listen to your therapist, take slow baby-steps, and once you have your old routine back you're ready to go. And just to make it clear; never get back in touch with your ex, someone who pulls the disappearance-move isn't good for anything.

[LoveMyCat]

Way too soon. It can take a year or longer to be ready to be a decent partner, or even a good date, to another person. You are not doing anyone any favors right now, including yourself. Ask yourself if you would want to date you right now...and if you would want to date a female version of you as you are now.

[UnknownSoldier]

*You are nowhere near ready to date.

 

You are looking for lifeboat in the form of a woman, rather than a woman.

 

That could never be made to work.

 

So you're going to have to use other means to heal your pain.

 

Keep going to your therapy and find new ways of supporting yourself emotionally.

 

Nobody else will ever be able to make your pain go away.

 

But you can heal. You can become better at looking after yourself. You can learn to love yourself. Ultimately, you can move on.

 

No woman for you now.

 

That should come later, when you've done some healing.

 

 

Love,

 

Satu.

 

Yeah, its probably best to just make friends for now. Thanks.

[UnknownSoldier]

Take it easy on yourself. You've been through a hard time.

 

Get in the gym. Go alot. It will help with your confidence, make you feel better, and may be the single biggest thing you can do for yourself short term.

 

Don't put pressure on yourself to feel better 'by the end of the year' or any other time schedule. It WILL happen. No expiration date though.

 

Get good with yourself before feeling you have to get another girlfriend. Don't feel that every girl is a 'must have'. Approach them as if it would be nice to go on a date or two but you'll get another if it doesn't work out. You will.

 

Avoid alcohol and drugs. They are short term solutions and it will backfire. Additionally, they are depressants and definitely won't help you.

 

Pick up a new hobby or two. It doesn't have to be chasing women.

 

Don't compare yourself to others. They are hiding their own pain. Don't worry about your 'toughness' compared to them. It doesn't matter.

 

One day soon you will wake up thinking something is different. It will be you. You will no longer need a woman to feel complete. She will be an addition to the happy you. It WILL happen. Keep the faith.

 

When people go through their first divorce, they believe in their subconscious mind that they're not going to find another person, because it feels like an ending to a story book. This is the way my mind has currently thought, but I'm pushing it aside, because I know it not to be true.

 

I'm currently trying to get back to the gym too. Thanks.

[UnknownSoldier]

Your therapist is correct. You are not ready. It is not fair to you, or to a potential mate, to get into a relationship at this stage. Focus on your own healing, spend time with friends and family, continue going to therapy, and when the time is right, you will know. When you're reacting emotionally to seeing couples holding hands, that's a sign that you are most definitely NOT ready to date. Stick to your own healing for now, and worry about a relationship later. Any relationship you got into now would be destined to fail anyway, and that would potentially be worse for you than your current loneliness. Hang in there.

 

Yep, if I can't emotionally handle seeing another couple spend emotional time, imagine what it would be like doing this with another woman. It would probably feel horrible at times.

[UnknownSoldier]

Unknown soldier

 

Plenty of time to date later. Take some time to heal yourself first. Your therapist is right and you are obviously not ready. I was very needy at first and thinking I would never find someone else. If I dated at that point it would not have been fair to anyone. And after being rejected by my longtime spouse, any more rejection would really send me reeling.

 

Find something else to occupy your time besides women.

 

I'm taking an online dating psychology course. The key is not to be outcome dependent, but outcome independent. In other words, trial and error. Just keep asking around until you find someone that's interested.

[UnknownSoldier]

You don't need to jump back into the pool right away. It's okay to heal, your next relationship won't be long lived if you don't. See it from the bright side - there's already a row of women at your door who would like to meet up with you. Just tell them that you aren't ready for dating yet, I'm sure they'll understand (and if not, then at least you know you shouldn't get involved with them).

 

Listen to your therapist, take slow baby-steps, and once you have your old routine back you're ready to go. And just to make it clear; never get back in touch with your ex, someone who pulls the disappearance-move isn't good for anything.

 

My ex doesn't even want me. Its the other way around. This was hardcore betrayal.

[UnknownSoldier]

Way too soon. It can take a year or longer to be ready to be a decent partner, or even a good date, to another person. You are not doing anyone any favors right now, including yourself. Ask yourself if you would want to date you right now...and if you would want to date a female version of you as you are now.

 

I've actually fantasized about having sex with the female version of me.

[LifesontheUp]

When people go through their first divorce, they believe in their subconscious mind that they're not going to find another person, because it feels like an ending to a story book. This is the way my mind has currently thought, but I'm pushing it aside, because I know it not to be true.

 

I'm currently trying to get back to the gym too. Thanks.

 

Unknown, I can identify with that.

 

Was together for 18 yrs with my xH, and even though I divorced him, I did think I would never be with anyone else.

 

I found new hobbies, joined the gym, and got busy enjoying myself. I got to the stage where I was happy and the thought of finding anyone else didn't bother me. Then I met my current H and we have a beautiful son together and are now going through an adoption process.

 

Its too soon for you to contemplate being with someone else. You need time to heal, to do things for yourself and things you enjoy. I am sure the rest will fall into place in time.

 

Good luck

[No Limit]

My ex doesn't even want me. Its the other way around. This was hardcore betrayal.

 

At the moment at least; I was hinting at the future. She may never come back but the moment her life turns to crap with the new guy she's going to check if there are lifeboats available.

[UnknownSoldier]

At the moment at least; I was hinting at the future. She may never come back but the moment her life turns to crap with the new guy she's going to check if there are lifeboats available.

 

So that explains why my college friend from 6 years ago turned me down so quick when I e-mailed her, and told her I had a time machine.

 

Looks like some people get offended when you've turned them down in the past, and then come back. People should be more humble, and understand that love can come and go.

 

EDIT: A girl at my job turned me down, but she's been showing interest since I've been using negative body language.

[UnknownSoldier]

At the moment at least; I was hinting at the future. She may never come back but the moment her life turns to crap with the new guy she's going to check if there are lifeboats available.

 

The idiot fell in love with her step-father, her mom now knows, and is flipping her ****. The mother will probably file divorce after realizing her own daughter slept with her husband. Lifeboat? More like deserted island.

[UnknownSoldier]

Unknown, I can identify with that.

 

Was together for 18 yrs with my xH, and even though I divorced him, I did think I would never be with anyone else.

 

I found new hobbies, joined the gym, and got busy enjoying myself. I got to the stage where I was happy and the thought of finding anyone else didn't bother me. Then I met my current H and we have a beautiful son together and are now going through an adoption process.

 

Its too soon for you to contemplate being with someone else. You need time to heal, to do things for yourself and things you enjoy. I am sure the rest will fall into place in time.

 

Good luck

 

Yep, and the women I'm asking out can already tell I'm going through emotional issues, which is why they're shying away. Only thing I can do is wait.

[unrequitedluv]

same ba.

 

i worst than u. at least u dun hav kids and u able to let go and file.

 

for me. my rs is 8 yrs. married for 4yrs. and I totally cannt let go of him. he moved out as gd as gone. he said head someone else. he dun wan me dun wan my kids either.

 

1months ago everything was fine and perfect. till i found out his affair 2 weeks ago his affair ended and my world collapse tgt cox i contact his gal. he found out was angry and left. he felt tt i betray him by contacting his gal and helping her to leave him. fyi she is married too.

 

now. he move out. everything he dun wan.

 

i am left alone. and pregnant with 2 little monster at home still.

 

if u need a female to talk to, I can talk to u. guess our status we can really talk bout our marriage and all.