Walked in on my wife...

[ivelostmyself]

Heres the backstory, we met when we were in highschool and clicked really well, did everything together and had a relationship like no other. She was amazingly beautul, had a great figure and a great personality. Went through all the ups and downs and always made it out stronger together....like we were ment to be....Or so i thought. Btw im 26 and she is 25.

Things were great, we were married for 3 years, just bought a new house. I had also just gotten a well paying job and money wasnt an issue.

I had to go to chicago for a business trip. I planned to be back early this morning but the trip was cut short and I came home yesterday morning instead. It was our wedding anniversary so I wanted to surprise her by coming home early. My flight landed at 6am.

When I arrived at our home I noticed there was an extra vehicle in the driveway...I thought "oh maybe she had a girlfriend stay to keep her company". I didnt think much of it until I came in the back door and saw a pair of mens shoes there. I started to panic but tried to keep my calm. "Maybe her brother stayed over?" is what I kept telling myself as I slowly walked down the hallway to our room and having a whole lot of anxiety and fear rushing through me.

I walked by the guest bedroom and glanced over, it was empty. And thats when it hit me like a freight train.

Walked over to our bedroom door....took a deep breath with tears running down my damn face and quietly opened it. There was my wife sleeping in our bed with one of her co-workers right beside her, clothing and her underwear all on the floor. There was an empty bottle of Ciroc vodka on the nightstand. I dont know what happened to me..I just went cold and lifeless like my body had shut down from the amount of pain that just came and slapped me in the face.

I closed the door and crept back down the hallway into the kitchen and just fell on the floor sobbing. Asking myself "why? What did I do wrong?"

After about 10 min I gathered myself up, and went back to the room.

I pulled out my phone, turned on the video recorder and propped it up on the bookshelf facing the bed. I dont know why I said what I did...but this is basically how the conversation went as I woke her up, she was laying on her side facing the wall. Apparently she was still too drunk to realize the guy was still in the bed next to her.

 

Me: happy anniversary.

Her: (with a smile on her face) omg your home, happy anniversary honey.

Me: I was going to go make some breakfast, would you like me to make you some?

Her: yeah i'd love that babe

Me: what about the guy laying in our bed next to you, would he like me to make him some breakfast too?

 

I saw the look of terror come over her face. I stood up, grabbed my cell phone off the shelf that had been recording and pointed it at them for a second to make sure I had their faces, put it in my pocket while it kept recording. (evidence in case I had to use it) Then I walked out.

I went into the kitchen and started making a cup of coffee and I could hear her crying, trying to throw on clothes. By that time the guy had woken up and ran out the front door already.

She came running down the hallway tears pouring down her face and started telling me she was sorry, this is the first time, she was drunk, she loves me, blah blah blah.

I just stood there with a blank look on my face drinking the coffee then I just looked at her and told her to pack a bag and go stay at her moms. She fell to the floor, wrapped her arms around my legs begging me not to do this...I could tell how scared she was because she started hyperventilating while crying and trying to get me to talk to her. All I could say was please leave me alone. After about an hour of her doing this she finally packed a bag and left.

 

Then I broke down badly, I drank a whole fifth of jack daniels and layed on the floor letting it all out. I feel so sick....I wanted to ask why but deep down I didnt want to know. Im not ready to talk about it right now and I dont know what to do...

She has called me about 50 times since yesterday....left about 20 voicemails of her crying and begging. I want to forgive her because I love her....but im not sure if I can. This has destroyed me so badly....Im afraid to talk to her right now because I might just lose it and I dont want to do that..

How do I deal with this? What should I do?

[Mrin]

Wow dude. That sucks so bad. On your anniversary too. This isn't a one time thing then. This has been going on. Consider yourself man hugged.

 

I'd go see a therapist. I really would. As for what to do with her and your marriage - I am not a fan of second chances when it comes to infidelity. I've found:

 

1. The trust never comes back

2. The respect never comes fully back

3. The love never comes back in the same way

4. You will always question

[Ronni_W]

ivelostmyself,

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

 

There's precious little that I have to offer, to be honest. I think it's wise to take the time that you feel you need, so that you can be who/how you want to be -- the highest version of yourself that you can muster under the circumstance(?) -- when you do speak with her.

 

Forgiveness is possible...a most difficult and challenging path/journey, after such a deep betrayal...but it is possible. Take your time, and follow your heart.

There are resources, books, counselors; secular and spiritual or faith-based. Take your time to sort through what's available, until you find what you feel will work best for you...and if/when it stops working, look for something else.

 

Sending you HUGE hugs, and comforting energies.

[ivelostmyself]

Her mom called...my wife (sarah) told her what happened and she is truely sorry. That she knows the pain because it happened to her with her first husband. She feels from the bottom of her heart that it was a mistake and happened only once and would completely understand if I wanted a divorce. She asked me to please talk to my wife....apparently sarah has locked herself in the backroom at her parents house and wont eat or come out since she got there yesterday morning. Her worked called because she didnt show up. She told her parents she would only come out if I talked to her. That she hates herself for what she did and doesnt deserve the life she ruined. Her stepdad has threatened to kick the door in to get her out but she is laying against the door and he is afraid to hurt her by doing it. I feel like complete **** now....why is she doing this to me?

I feel like I have no choice....she is forcing me to speak to her before im ready....im afraid of what will happen to her if I dont go over there. This is so horrible

[jen1447]

Just sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I wouldn't bother. If she's putting on a show she's not likely to actually harm herself - just drama.

 

Your wife has a lot of growing up to do, by the sound.

[Esraem]

Wow. I feel for you brother, especially on your anniversary. I would be honest and tell them you are not ready. If you want to open yourself up and take her back, you need to make sure she is ready for the consequences and therapy needs to begin as soon as possible after reunification.

[Hawaii51]

I don't have any remorse for her whatsoever. She's not Gandhi, go ahead and hunger-strike. As the first reply stated, there are things that will never go away. you're still young enough- with enough evidence- to walk away clean.

 

My only concern for you is harboring suspicion in future relationships. Don't the rest of your life as if this is a common occurrence.

[Hawaii51]

But if you must contact her, I'd say do it in a week or two. She has a lot of **** to think about. and when you do talk, let her talk first, and use your intuition- you should be able to read her like a book by now.

[beach]

Wait, she blatantly cheated on you - you did the right thing by sending her packing - and now she's locked in her Mim's back bedroom

Saying she won't eat or come out until you talk to her?

 

Talk about what? The fact that she's sorry she got caught?

 

I'd wait at least a year before talking - that way maybe a counselor can work with her every day to find out why she's so god damn selfish and self serving.

 

Let her stay in there. Not to worry - she will come out - she thinks of herself too much to stay in there.

[Mrin]

Just sounds like emotional blackmail to me. I wouldn't bother. If she's putting on a show she's not likely to actually harm herself - just drama.

 

Your wife has a lot of growing up to do, by the sound.

 

This. Don't bother. She'll come out when she realizes this won't work. She is throwing a tantrum.

[beach]

She is STILL trying to call the shots and control you.

 

Maybe you deserve better than her? Maybe you don't want a cheating lying wife? Maybe you don't have to talk to her - just file for divorce knowing you deserve better than what she's done?

 

Maybe do nothing for a few months - just let her sit there and think about what a jerk she's been?

[ivelostmyself]

You guys are right, shes being selfish. Thanks for the advice im glad I posted here.

If anything her bodies natural survival instincts will kick in and she will come out to eat. Even if she goes back in there right after I shouldnt care because this is her fault not mine and I dont deserve to be blackmailed like this. She can wait until IM ready....not when she wants to talk.

[beach]

It takes a really mean person to cheat in the marital home - much less the marital bed.

 

Knowing that this is what she is capable of the minute you're gone - leaves me wondering what is left of the marriage?

 

What could she possibly say to make this right? She just wants to talk so she can manipulate you into taking her back...

 

And that's a lot to have to swallow - and a lot of suffering on your part even if she does attempt to earn your trust back. You will always wonder when you have to travel.

 

Is that worth it... Giving up that peace of mind?

[Mrin]

It takes a really mean person to cheat in the marital home - much less the marital bed.

 

Psst... Also on the marital anniversary. *shivers*

 

Talk about utterly destroying the meaning of a date and what it represents.

[Mr. Lucky]

Psst... Also on the marital anniversary. *shivers*

 

Talk about utterly destroying the meaning of a date and what it represents.

 

ivelostmyself, if we use a year as the sample size, there's a 1 in 365 chance that the day you came home early was the day she cheated "for the first time".

 

You'd have to admit, not at all likely. So it follows what's probable is that you walked in on an ongoing relationship.

 

There's a name for what you're getting right now - trickle truth. This is where your wandering spouse tells you bits and pieces of what really happened in a self-serving attempt to control the outcome.

 

If your wife wants to talk, tell her to meet you at the house. Have her unlock phone, log into her email, Facebook and other social media accounts. If she's telling the truth, nothing to hide, right? Spend an hour in front of her trolling through phone records, texts, emails, photos and postings. I'd guess at that point you'd have a greater handle on the truth.

 

And then decisions could be made accordingly. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

You're young, you have a lot of time to find a real woman. Drop this opportunistic manipulating freak and move on, even if it hurts.

And this most certainly wasn't the first time. Get an attorney ASAP.

[velvette]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. That's one of the worst ways to discover your spouse is cheating. The upside is you handled yourself remarkable well which tells me you will be ok. Also, she cant deny she was cheating like if you only had suspicions. Doesn't mean she wont spin it like others said and like she probably has already started.

 

 

Get rid of the booze. It wont help and will just make you feel worse and cloud your judgement.

 

 

Make an appointment with a lawyer and a counselor. Whether you divorce or not it will make you feel better to know what your options are. Do you have a real life friend or parents you can confide in?

 

 

You don't have to do anything right away except take care of yourself.

 

 

Read up here and other places about infidelity. There are patterns and the behavior of people cheating is pretty predictable. No need to reinvent the wheel all by yourself.

 

 

Almost any marriage can be fixed if both people want to and to the work to fix it. But, sometimes its smarter to cut your losses and move on.

 

 

I would give serious consideration to divorce based on your age and the short duration of the marriage. Additionally, her first response of trying to emotionally blackmail you, does not bode well for someone who can do the work necessary to repair a marriage.

 

 

Give yourself time to decide what you want to do.

[lolablue17]

Try to think rationally and logically:

 

The past

She says it's only one time and she was drunk. but it may have happened 2 time, 10 times, who knows? The fact that she said it's one time doesn't count. She would say anything to please you.

 

An what about the "drunk" excuse? When she was inviting him over to spend the evening with her she was sober, right? So why would a sober young wife invites a male to her house in the evening while her husband is away?

 

The future

If you forgive her, you will never trust her. You already know how easy it's for her to cheat. It's not like cheating after 15-20 years of marriage, routine takes over, distance ect... You suppose to be in your great loving years.

 

So from now on, every time you'll be away for a business trip, you will be wondering what is she doing... And even if you try to surprise her with your schedule, she will cover her ass better now. The thing is, you wiil never know the truth again with her.

 

Man, you don't have children, you're amazingly young, run away and try to find a better woman. Don't listen to her or her mother. They both would be willing to sing the United States Declaration of Independence backwards if they thought it will make you not divorcing her.

Edited May 9, 2015 by lolablue17

[loveweary11]

literally the worst story I've ever read about this stuff.

 

I can't even imagine.

 

It's not going to be an easy time coming up stayb strong and post here when you feel bummed out.

[Methodical]

Her mom said she knows the pain you're going thru bc her First husband did the same thing. I imagine that may be the reason he was her first, not current, husband. However, this is her daughter so naturally she is going to try to ease the blow, make excuses by saying she believes this is a one time thing. I'm calling BS. You were out of town. If Sarah wanted company, she could have called her siblings, a friend, or even her parents by the sound of things. But no, she invited a co-worker, someone she has had plenty interaction with.

 

Don't fall for the "it was the alcohol" story either. She wouldn't have invited a man she wasn't interested in into your home. Furthermore, if she can't drink responsibly then she should leave it alone. She's sorry she got caught.

 

She's def. throwing a childish tantrum by barricading herself in a room. When she get hungry enough, or needs to use the bathroom, she'll come out. Definitely hold your ground. Don't let her call the shots by forced manipulation, no matter how many times she or her mom calls. Don't talk until you are good and darn ready!

[CarrieT]

Time is your friend. You do not need to make any decisions in your future immediately. Please do not feel as though you need to...

 

Very little will change in the entire situation if you give it a week or two before deciding your next move. In the meantime, she can stay with her folks while you weigh your options.

[Satu]

Would you like to know what will happen when you and your 'wife' talk about this?

 

I can tell you.

 

She will say,"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

 

-- Then you can get really clear in your head that its all your fault.

 

-- Then you can get really clear in your head that you're just not good enough.

 

-- Then you can get really clear in your head that you must do better.

 

Or you can look at it this way: She did it because she wanted to; which is a good way of looking at it because it's the truth.

 

Don't buy into BS attempts to make you believe you caused it.

 

She did it because she wanted to.

Edited May 9, 2015 by Satu

[SycamoreCircle]

And thats when it hit me like a freight train.

Walked over to our bedroom door....took a deep breath with tears running down my damn face and quietly opened it. There was my wife sleeping in our bed with one of her co-workers right beside her, clothing and her underwear all on the floor.

I'm going to risk being the insensitive a••. This sounds like a load of bull. Maybe you've altered or exaggerated details of your story, but human behavior does not preclude that you would be crying BEFORE discovering your wife in bed with another man. I'm surprised no one in this forum thought your story sounded fishy, as well. Also, you include details that are out of balance with the general tone of the story. If this is a hoax, grow up.

 

*Also, how do you open a bedroom door, see a man laying horizontal in a presumably darkened bedroom and determine it's one of your wife's co-workers?

[ivelostmyself]

I'm going to risk being the insensitive a••. This sounds like a load of bull. Maybe you've altered or exaggerated details of your story, but human behavior does not preclude that you would be crying BEFORE discovering your wife in bed with another man. I'm surprised no one in this forum thought your story sounded fishy, as well. Also, you include details that are out of balance with the general tone of the story. If this is a hoax, grow up.

 

*Also, how do you open a bedroom door, see a man laying horizontal in a presumably darkened bedroom and determine it's one of your wife's co-workers?

 

1st- Ive met this co-worker before so I know what he looks like. I dont know about you but yes I looked at the mans face that was in the bed. He was laying face up, my wife was on her side. I guess you wouldnt have looked at the persons face to see who it was?

2nd - our curtains arent black and thick so light does shine through, considering our bedroom is on the east side of the house and the sun was coming up, and the headboard of our bed is right under the window. yes I could see inside of the room, and yes I could see his face.

3rd- when you see a car you dont recodnize in the driveway, a mans shoes by the back door, and an empty guest room. Yes I got emotional and presumed the worst. And I was right.

4th- go **** yourself

[beach]

I'm going to risk being the insensitive a••. This sounds like a load of bull. Maybe you've altered or exaggerated details of your story, but human behavior does not preclude that you would be crying BEFORE discovering your wife in bed with another man. I'm surprised no one in this forum thought your story sounded fishy, as well. Also, you include details that are out of balance with the general tone of the story. If this is a hoax, grow up.

 

*Also, how do you open a bedroom door, see a man laying horizontal in a presumably darkened bedroom and determine it's one of your wife's co-workers?

 

Car in the driveway.

 

Shoes (men's) by the door.

 

No one in the guest room...

 

So, obviously by the evidence a man is in the bedroom with her... Co worker? Maybe he's met the folks she has worked with.