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Should I get a divorce? Reality check needed.


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My marriage hasn't been good in a long time. We have a 14 month old daughter, and for about six months now, I feel like we've been dead in the water. There is a lot of lying and emotional abuse in our short past (less than 2 yrs married) as well.

 

My husband is depressed, and he doesn't care about himself or anyone else. I've been waiting for things to get better, for him to realize he's ruining our lives, I don't know... something. Things seem to get better for a brief period of time and then they get bad again. He's been chalking it all up to financial stress, but frankly, I think that's nonsense.... He's been given medication that he refuses to take. I'm sure there are other undiagnosed problems in addition to depression, but who knows what they are since he won't see anyone.

 

Here are some of the issues that I have in this marriage:

 

- Never apologizes, admits fault, or shows regret for anything he's ever done. Always finds a way to blame me for his actions. Ie: if he gets a speeding ticket, it's my fault because he was angry with me at the time.

- He flat out refuses to discuss any issues I may have and/or compromise. It's his way or the highway.

- He constantly nitpicks and gets angry with me over everything.

- He devalues constantly the things I do for my daughter and him. Ie: Cooking family meals is "bull****" and doesn't "count" towards things I do.

- He does not want to parent his daughter. Anything he does is under duress, so to speak. Ie: he can take a nap whenever he wants and I'm expected to be with our daughter. I can't do the same unless he approves.

- He uses things I care about to hurt me. Ie: He knows celebrations are important to me, so he completely blew off our first anniversary. He knows family dinners matter to me, so he refuses to sit down to eat with us... he gets takeout every day. He doesn't show any affection, and recently stopped saying "I love you" because he knew it was important to me.

- He's constantly threatening to leave us whenever he gets angry (pretty much every other day). When I didn't have a job, he also threatened to take all money away or refuse to pay rent (although he never did do it).

- He gets angry with our daughter when she wakes up overnight and needs help getting back to sleep. Again, she's 14 months old... enough said. He doesn't hurt her, but he has yelled at her.

 

I'm not perfect, and of course I've made mistakes... but I've tried so hard. When the year started, we agreed to give our marriage one year to see if we can get our **** together... but I'm not seeing the point. Feels like he just can't be bothered to try to make a real go of it.

 

I know I deserve better than this. I'm tired of feeling like crap all the time because of this marriage.

 

Thoughts? Encouragement? Anything appreciated at this point...

 

-A

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He's got more problems than just depression.

 

He needs a full psychiatric assessment.

 

If he won't see someone about his problems, there's not much chance of progress.

 

If he won't talk to his doctor, you should.

 

Good luck.

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I've been reading your reports for a long time, Arabella.

 

 

Yes, I would file for divorce. You would be much better off on your own...

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I've been reading your reports for a long time, Arabella.

 

 

Yes, I would file for divorce. You would be much better off on your own...

 

You just said what I thought, but didn't say.

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You will continue to get what you accept. I would start learning about boundaries - and draw some lines in the sand (and say what you mean, and mean what you say).

 

Although, as early as you are in the marriage, I would ask yourself if you really wanna spend your life with a jerk like this. You are young, there is time to start over, and lose this guy that clearly doesn't appreciate you. I know, easier said than done. That is just my take. Yas

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If he won't face up to his problems, divorce would be the logical next step.

 

Your child deserves much better.

 

So do you.

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The rational part of me knows that this relationship is completely ****ed up and the chances of recovery are very slim.

 

But then I think back to how things were when we first got together and he was my best friend. But he's just not that man anymore.

 

You know what happens anytime I try to assert my rights and ask to be treated like a person? He retaliates by unleashing more crap on me.

 

Recently, I started seeing a new therapist just because I started to feel so mentally beaten down and unstable. I needed someone to tell me I'm really not going crazy and this situation is truly wrong.

 

I have been staying at home since my daughter was born, but that's about to change. I got (and accepted) a new job, which pays pretty well and much more than he makes. I won't depend on him anymore and leaving is absolutely realistic.

 

Another thing that scares me is my daughter... he has threatened to try to take her away from me before, just to hurt me. I don't know if he would actually try... but why would he? He can't stand having to take care of her.

 

On the other hand, I don't want her to grow up without her father, and I feel like if we split, he's never going to make the effort to stay involved in her life.

 

So many things to consider. Thank you for your input, truly... I feel like my "normalcy meter" is broken.

 

Sorry for the disorganized thoughts.

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so you will have good plans ready to make a new home for you and your little one?

 

perhaps he is telling you the truth about money, so accusing him of talking nonsense is not fair on him

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so you will have good plans ready to make a new home for you and your little one?

 

perhaps he is telling you the truth about money, so accusing him of talking nonsense is not fair on him

 

With my new income, I can easily take over our current lease and be quite comfortable.

 

As for what he said... It IS nonsense. His behavior started to go downhill before our daughter was born, when we had no financial worries whatsoever...

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OP you can't MAKE him be a father. Staying with him simply to keep a father figure in your daughter life at what cost?

 

Leaving him, saving your sanity and letting him choose to man up seems to be the better option in my eyes.

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Collect evidence of his mistreatment of daughter. Check laws in your state for tape-recording laws, all but 12 US states permit you to tape a conversation without the other person being aware of it. Get his big fat mouth on a VAR. Set them up in a couple rooms. That will pay off in spades. Those threats are somewhat terroristic, and abusive.

 

Say nothing about anything. Act dumb. If there is a huge history of non-compliance with reasonable requests (as mentioned by another poster), then you need your ducks in a row. I bet he will be ticked off, and jealous about the new job, also. Wonder if there is a way you can hide the amount you are earning? That will kick your husband's pride right square in the fanny. Just another thing to take out on you. Hmmmm. Yas

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OP you can't MAKE him be a father. Staying with him simply to keep a father figure in your daughter life at what cost?

 

Leaving him, saving your sanity and letting him choose to man up seems to be the better option in my eyes.

 

I'll rephrase... on his "off days", he does not want to be bothered with having to take care of his daughter. On his OK days, he seems to do fine. It just doesn't take much to send him off into an angry rage that changes everything...

 

 

Prime example of this behavior.... LAST NIGHT:

 

We put our daughter to bed and she kept crying, refusing to go to sleep. So he went and sat next to her crib for half an hour until she fell asleep. When he came out of her bedroom, he told me that he doesn't ever want her to feel abandoned or like we don't care.

 

Fast forward, 2 am: She wakes up and is unable to fall back asleep because she's dirty. I go in, change her diaper and she seems to settle for a bit. She wakes up again so he goes into her room and starts angrily yelling at her to "STOP! STOP already!". He comes back to bed eventually after calming her down and tells me he has no patience for her.

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I agree with the other posters that your husband sounds like he needs help, not just in the context of your marriage, but to have a normal life for himself. He needs to see a professional and follow their advice - it does not sound as if he is capable of changing on his own.

 

Do you see any hope - if he got that help and got back to being the person you fell in love with - that you could make things work long term? Or have you basically checked out? Either way, you need to have a talk with him and revisit the one-year plan you had earlier, tell him it's already clear that it's not working and that unless things change dramatically, you are moving on. If he's not willing or able to address the problems you've outlined here, then you are right to move on.

 

Your daughter ultimately will be better off without him if he remains the kind of person who is angry and deliberately hurtful in the ways you described. That needs to change, whether your daughter is living with him or not.

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I agree with the other posters that your husband sounds like he needs help, not just in the context of your marriage, but to have a normal life for himself. He needs to see a professional and follow their advice - it does not sound as if he is capable of changing on his own.

 

Do you see any hope - if he got that help and got back to being the person you fell in love with - that you could make things work long term? Or have you basically checked out? Either way, you need to have a talk with him and revisit the one-year plan you had earlier, tell him it's already clear that it's not working and that unless things change dramatically, you are moving on. If he's not willing or able to address the problems you've outlined here, then you are right to move on.

 

Your daughter ultimately will be better off without him if he remains the kind of person who is angry and deliberately hurtful in the ways you described. That needs to change, whether your daughter is living with him or not.

 

I talked him into going to counseling, but it didn't work. He just couldn't stick to anything the counselor would suggest for us to do, and he kept lying to her so she never got the full picture.

 

I still care about him a great deal, but I don't know how much love there's left. I feel like he's constantly using things that matter to me to hurt me, and that's when my love started to die. There's so much background history here that you can read in my older threads, but let's just say that the abuse isn't new.

 

I think the only reason why I haven't quit trying is because of our daughter, and because I keep hoping that he can still go back to being that man he once was.

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I talked him into going to counseling, but it didn't work. He just couldn't stick to anything the counselor would suggest for us to do, and he kept lying to her so she never got the full picture.

 

I still care about him a great deal, but I don't know how much love there's left. I feel like he's constantly using things that matter to me to hurt me, and that's when my love started to die. There's so much background history here that you can read in my older threads, but let's just say that the abuse isn't new.

 

I think the only reason why I haven't quit trying is because of our daughter, and because I keep hoping that he can still go back to being that man he once was.

 

IMO, the bottom line is that he needs to commit to counseling and changing his behavior for the better, becoming the husband and father you and your daughter deserve. If he will not commit fully to that, then I don't see much hope here. For your part, you've acknowledged you also have issues to address, so if I were you, when I speak to him about this, I would try to keep from making it seem like an attack, that could put him on the defensive and cause him to attack you in response. I would simply tell him that you two have to both go all in on your marriage, commit 100 percent to counseling (*and I mean really commit) or you need to call it quits.

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IMO, the bottom line is that he needs to commit to counseling and changing his behavior for the better, becoming the husband and father you and your daughter deserve. If he will not commit fully to that, then I don't see much hope here. For your part, you've acknowledged you also have issues to address, so if I were you, when I speak to him about this, I would try to keep from making it seem like an attack, that could put him on the defensive and cause him to attack you in response. I would simply tell him that you two have to both go all in on your marriage, commit 100 percent to counseling (*and I mean really commit) or you need to call it quits.

 

Of course I have issues... I mean, who doesn't? But I try so hard to keep myself accountable and be fair and compromising in our relationship. I've always been this way, in any relationship. I am on therapy now for myself.

 

Everything I say to him IS an attack in his eyes. No matter how it's worded. Either he refuses to discuss it, or flat out turns around the entire situation and blames everything on something I did or said. So the conversation isn't about how can we make things better... it's about how I did something to provoke his behavior. Every...single...time.

 

The more I write about this by responding to these posts, the less I understand how I've let it get this bad. This just isn't healthy...

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But then I think back to how things were when we first got together and he was my best friend.

There is a lot of lying and emotional abuse in our short past (less than 2 yrs married) as well.

His behavior started to go downhill before our daughter was born

 

If my math is right, he's been abusive and emotionally unavailable the entire time you've been married.

 

How long were you together before that? I'm wondering if his "best friend" status was earned or something you projected on him, "wishin' and hopin" he'd be the man you wanted :confused: ???

 

Something to think about for the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

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sweetjasmine

On the other hand, I don't want her to grow up without her father, and I feel like if we split, he's never going to make the effort to stay involved in her life.

 

Well, let me put it this way. What kind of a father is he being now? Chances are he won't change much. Would you rather she grow up with a father who yells at her for no reason because he has no patience?

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Of course I have issues... I mean, who doesn't? But I try so hard to keep myself accountable and be fair and compromising in our relationship. I've always been this way, in any relationship. I am on therapy now for myself.

 

Everything I say to him IS an attack in his eyes. No matter how it's worded. Either he refuses to discuss it, or flat out turns around the entire situation and blames everything on something I did or said. So the conversation isn't about how can we make things better... it's about how I did something to provoke his behavior. Every...single...time.

 

The more I write about this by responding to these posts, the less I understand how I've let it get this bad. This just isn't healthy...

 

The frustration you feel is palpable, Arabella. I feel for you, and I understand. My STBX spouse often refused to discuss things and often tried to spin arguments around to suit her own situation. Not as badly as yours seems to, but I can relate.

 

And you are right - it is not healthy, for you, your daughter, or for him for that matter. He seems to be badly in need of individual therapy as well as marital counseling to sort all of this out. Both of those are a must in my opinion.

 

It sounds as if he is well aware of how his behavior is affecting you - you've already had the talk and given yourselves the one-year window. If he won't commit to changing, the best decision you could make would be to move on, as hard as that would be it would be healthier in the long run.

 

Either way, I'd advise sticking to IC. That will help you no matter what the future holds.

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If my math is right, he's been abusive and emotionally unavailable the entire time you've been married.

 

How long were you together before that? I'm wondering if his "best friend" status was earned or something you projected on him, "wishin' and hopin" he'd be the man you wanted :confused: ???

 

Something to think about for the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yep, your math is right.

 

Things only started to go downhill around the time I got pregnant, after we moved in together. By the way, getting pregnant was a mutual decision... not an accident.

 

He really was my best friend before that, though. We would spend hours talking. He was my rock, I relied on him SO much. I could always count on him to be there for me when I needed him.

 

In a way, he IS still reliable. If I need something, and he deems it a real "need", he will usually come through for me. Of course, love and respect are not "needs" as far as he's concerned...

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Studies show that women "tend and befriend" in stressful relationships and that sex triggers powerful bonding hormones for childraising. I recommend if you want to leave him that you stop having sex with him to help you detach your bond. Maybe that bond from physical intimacy is part of what is keeping you trapped, especially since you have a small child. Are you still intimate with him?

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Studies show that women "tend and befriend" in stressful relationships and that sex triggers powerful bonding hormones for childraising. I recommend if you want to leave him that you stop having sex with him to help you detach your bond. Maybe that bond from physical intimacy is part of what is keeping you trapped, especially since you have a small child. Are you still intimate with him?

 

We haven't had a regular sexual relationship in like half a year. We used to have sex 2-3 times a week before baby. After baby, we started to pick it up, but it went downhill again when we separated for a few months and it never recovered.

 

That's yet another thing that he took away because it was important to me. We have sex maybe once every month or two, and it's completely boring and devoid of passion. This happened because I got sick of being the aggressor the vast majority of the time and getting rejected, and he just doesn't try.

 

As far as bonding goes, very little has happened in a physical way. Probably explains why I feel the way I do in the first place. Half a year ago I was NOT ready to leave him...

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This evening he started snapping at me over little ****. I asked him to sit at the table with me and his daughter and he refused.

 

After dinner he continued snapping so I got annoyed, and I finally told him that I thought we should separate once I start working so we can get some time apart from each other and go from there.

 

Immediately he goes off the deep end and starts talking about divorce, and blaming me for being "controlling" and treating him like a child. He's sitting there holding my daughter while he's telling me to "shut the **** up" and go "**** myself" and a bunch of other pearls. Of course, it's all my fault because I didn't shut the **** up like he told me to.

 

Then he storms off and says he doesn't know when/if he'll come back. I called him and asked to come back. I told him that it was horrible that our daughter would witness this behavior and that I don't want that for her. That we have to learn to be better parents than this.

 

Then we got into an argument about our marriage. I brought up that I feel that he always uses the things that matter to me to hurt me. He denied that, and told me that I should just "let him find his own way to it". So apparently I'm supposed to be ok with a man who is never affectionate, rarely wants sex, doesn't want to do anything with his family, etc. I'm not allowed to expect those things. If he doesn't do them, I'm supposed to just live with it.

 

Is this as messed up as I think it is?

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