alsudduth Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I believe that it is time to have another more serious talk of divorce with my husband. We have gone to counseling for over a year with very little results. He is emotionally unavailable, and unwilling to put forth much effort in making me happy...I am quite lenient and allow it to happen. Anyway - we are the point now where communication is non existent and I believe we are only still married right now for the kids and because we are comfortable (been together since I was 15) I'm tired of having this dark cloud over me for the last few years. It is all I think about, all I stress about, and all I talk about with friends and family. I feel like the longer we just exist together, the more resentful we are going to become and ultimatley will end up hating each other. I love my husband. He has been in my life for more than half of it at this point, he is a good dad and loves our kids. But he is no longer what I am willing to accept for a marriage partner. I am nervous as all get out to have this conversation with him, though I don't think he will be surprised by it, and I'm about 80% sure he wants the same thing....when you knew it was time, how did you approach the conversation of divorce? It is such an overwhelming and stressful decision! Link to post Share on other sites
hawkeye_pierce Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 My situation is a bit different than yours but the way I'm looking at things is, I've done EVERYTHING I can to try and keep my family together. If there's no effort on the other side, then there's nothing you can do. I love my kids dearly and, at one point, would have taken a bullet for my wife. There's something wrong with her though. Friends and (mainly) family are helping me realize she's really sick. So you know what? I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of how I'm handling everything. I'm proud of the fact that we can be civil towards each other in front of the kids. I'm proud of the fact that I'll be able to look back after this is all over and say, I did my best. Counselling and my kids/family/friends will get me through this and I will get my kids through this. We'll all come out of it and be in a better place. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 We have gone to counseling for over a year with very little results. What kind of feedback has your therapist given you and specifically your husband? Have you considered changing therapists to find one that might offer more insight and/or progress? A year is a long time to spin your wheels in MC... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Yeah, I would definitely try another therapist. They're not all the same. They have to actually try to help you problem solve and gain insight, not just silently listen to you. I recommend you keep or start reading books or articles online to get insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted April 29, 2015 Author Share Posted April 29, 2015 I don't think it was so much the therapist. I think the MC gave us lots of great advice and tools to make progress. It was almost as if when we went to counseling, we agreed and communicated well and then we leave counseling and don't talk about it or discuss anything else until the next week. We stopped counseling in January and were going to give it 3 months or so without counseling to see if we could make any progress on our own. We had a conversation last night and I told him that if we can't get our communication on point that I was ready to throw in the towel. It seems that only when I get to the point of walking away does he communicate with me. it's really frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I don't think it was so much the therapist. I think the MC gave us lots of great advice and tools to make progress. It was almost as if when we went to counseling, we agreed and communicated well and then we leave counseling and don't talk about it or discuss anything else until the next week. We stopped counseling in January and were going to give it 3 months or so without counseling to see if we could make any progress on our own. We had a conversation last night and I told him that if we can't get our communication on point that I was ready to throw in the towel. It seems that only when I get to the point of walking away does he communicate with me. it's really frustrating. From what you've shared, it sounds as if communication is the real issue you have in this relationship, no? If that is in fact the case, and you still love each other and there has been no cheating or abuse or other intolerable behavior, then I would urge you to focus like a laser on getting your communication on the same page, whether you find another therapist or not. Make that your whole focus and see where it gets you. Make a point of talking to each other each day. About big things and small things. Spend time together doing things you love. When serious issues come up, insist on discussing them and working through them together. What it sounds like to me is that your husband doesn't think you are serious about leaving, but it also sounds like you have made it clear now that you are. Of course, you both have to want it to work, but it always seems like a shame to me for two people who love each other to go through the agony of a divorce when there are options on the table that could make the relationship healthier and happier. I wish you luck. KTB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 To answer your question when I got divorced I announced it. I understand one person has the legal power to break the marriage contract; two people need to create it. So it was quick and decisive for me. Other people are different though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 What it sounds like to me is that your husband doesn't think you are serious about leaving, but it also sounds like you have made it clear now that you are. Many "Saturday Night Live" bits have been sourced from what men and women say vs. what the other party actually hears. Often, there's very little overlap . My wife has this wonderful scent - some combo of flowers, vanilla and sexual promise - that draws me in. When I hugged her the other night, I said something like "it gets me nearly every time how you smell so wonderful". She pulled away and replied "so sometimes I don't"? Might be a gender thing... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author alsudduth Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 Many "Saturday Night Live" bits have been sourced from what men and women say vs. what the other party actually hears. Often, there's very little overlap . My wife has this wonderful scent - some combo of flowers, vanilla and sexual promise - that draws me in. When I hugged her the other night, I said something like "it gets me nearly every time how you smell so wonderful". She pulled away and replied "so sometimes I don't"? Might be a gender thing... Mr. Lucky LOL I love her reply....I wish I even had the chance to tease my husband like that (At least I HOPE she was teasing you!).....I'd love if my husband ever said something like that to me. Out of curiosity - do you pull her in and hug her even if she is grungy from the day and in her pajamas? I feel like I only get compliments from my husband when I'm dressed up with makeup on. Is it selfish of me that I want him to see me as beautiful when I DON'T have myself all gussied up? I mean I really want someone who almost loves me more when I'm comfortable around him, who can love that I can just be "me" without having to put on a face and a dress to go to the office. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Could it be that you just need to train him to give you compliments in your pajamas? When he does or says something you like kiss him. Tell him "When you do <example> I like it." He'll probably do it more, especially if he knows he'll get kisses and other goodies. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 LOL I love her reply....I wish I even had the chance to tease my husband like that (At least I HOPE she was teasing you!).....I'd love if my husband ever said something like that to me. Out of curiosity - do you pull her in and hug her even if she is grungy from the day and in her pajamas? I feel like I only get compliments from my husband when I'm dressed up with makeup on. Is it selfish of me that I want him to see me as beautiful when I DON'T have myself all gussied up? I mean I really want someone who almost loves me more when I'm comfortable around him, who can love that I can just be "me" without having to put on a face and a dress to go to the office. Short answer is - I do. She makes me laugh on a consistent basis, usually teasing/sarcasm. I need her humor as my kids have made it clear I'm not funny... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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