Husband cheated don't know how to proceed

[RenJen]

Hello everyone. I'm a long time reader and first time poster. I appreciate insight from anyone.

Here's some key information before I get into details regarding my story:

 

-This is both my husband's and mine second marriage.

-He has two kids from his first marriage (19 and 20), I had one (22). None of them still live with us due to being at school.

-Both in our early 50s.

-He and I have a daughter (8).

-Been married for 7 years.

-His first marriage ended because he had an affair with a woman he worked with. His ex-wife is a good person but was revenge driven person.

 

So I met my husband about 10 years ago. He was everything that my ex-husband wasn't. I was head over heels. Neither my now ex-husband and I were happy, so we decided to divorce and I quickly remarried my current husband after we had already bought a house (all the kids from our previous marriages were young or teenagers) and I was quickly pregnant with our daughter.

 

I had a rocky relationship with my daughter from my previous marriage, but we have since mended it and are closer than ever. My current husband is a workaholic. He works two well paying jobs, one during the day and one at night. He resented me for not contributing more financially, even though he said he wanted me to stay home with our daughter. I would have worked (I'm fortunate enough where I'm well educated enough to make just as much money as he does), but SOMEONE had to stay home to take care of our daughter and he is clueless when it comes to childcare.

 

Last year I found cards with words like "you have my heart" and "I love you" on them that were NOT from me. I had been suspicious for a while as he was making up excuses for not coming home when he usually does. I confronted him and he confessed. My older daughter helped me look through phone numbers and helped me find out who it was. It was a woman he worked with. It was verbatim what he had done to his first wife.

 

The past year has been just awful. I loved him. I really did. I made a lot of mistakes in my first marriage that I was determined not to make in my second marriage. I was nothing but a faithful wife and mother. I took care of our house, our daughter, our other children. I was older and wiser and thought he was too.

 

He loved the woman he had an affair with. He truly didn't love me anymore. He was under a lot of stress financially. If he would have quit one of his jobs and let me work, I could have made up the difference, but he never would. He's very controlling about money and thinks it's the "man's job" to provide.

 

I got all sorts of advice from everywhere. My brother referred me to lawyers, my daughter (who never was fond of him, she's very perceptive) told me to leave him, and all sorts of other things. I didn't want to go through ANOTHER divorce with ANOTHER man who had an affair (just not very good at picking men, I guess.)

 

But it's got so bad over the past year. He and I argued constantly, our daughter heard it. She doesn't even like him, which breaks my heart, because no matter what that's her FATHER.

 

I'm at the point where I want to leave. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd be long gone. I don't want to ruin our daughter's life and make mistakes like I did with my older daughter, but I can't see how this is healthy. My husband wants the house to himself, a large 4 bedroom house all to himself and offered to buy us another house. Yet he says neither of us are in a financial position to leave.

 

I'll certainly have custody of our daughter, he's not very active in his other children's life. But he will be free to see her whenever he or she wanted, I'm not vindictive and I'm not going to take her away from him, but he has no concept of childcare and SOMEONE has to be there to be involved with her and take care of her.

 

I'm just confused and upset. I know this needs to change. No matter what happens, it won't be pretty. It just can't go on like this forever.

 

How did anyone else handle having a cheating spouse with children? Thank you for reading.

[badpenny]

Staying with your H 'for the sake of your daughter' is a huge mistake, particularly as she has already begun forming an opinion of him; one you should take notice of.

 

By staying with him, you're teaching her that you are a weaker individual who doesn't do what's best for herself. And you're not doing what's best for your daughter.

 

Follow good and sound advice. Consult a lawyer, and make sure he doesn't get everything all his own way.

You have rights (but don't use your heart to make decisions, use your head!) and do what's right for you.

 

I have been divorced twice.

Honestly for goodness' sake, such a label is no big deal....

[ArtIsMyThing]

No matter what happens, it won't be pretty. It just can't go on like this forever.

 

I feel you answered your own question here in this statement.If you leave, none of it will be pretty for the next year as you as you detach from him and find your feet in this world. But by the end of the year or maybe sooner, you will be in a much better place within yourself.

 

I have just gone thru a second divorce, I guarantee there will never be a third. I too did everything right and raised his four kids, worked hard, even cooked my own bread, cheese and yoghurts hahaha old school - it made no differance - when he wanted out, he closed the door and divorced.

 

Its taken me 14 months now to land on my feet but i have done it. At first the shame of a second divorce just spun me out - but i now see it as a reflection of him and id rather be divorced then live within a marriage where i am not loved.

 

I dont have advice on your child but many children go thru it and its all about the love and time you provide and how much support you offer her - my children and my step children are all grown adults.

 

Come here and talk and let out your emotions as you go thru them. Big hugs love

[elaine567]

Your daughter is your priority here and staying with her father just because you want to, is perhaps not in her best interests if she doesn't even like him.

Where is she getting that "hatred" from?

 

I think if your husband offered to buy you a house, then you need to grab it, he may be the cheater here, but he has worked night and day to provide, and I may get flak for it but he probably deserves the bigger house from the point of view of the effort he has put in.

Some women end up leaving with a suitcase, so a house is not a bad deal, but get an attorney onto it and find out your rights.

 

If you have a house, you can get a job, your daughter being 8 doesn't need you 24/7, with child support and your job, you will be financially viable.

 

NO child should have to put up with warring parents, it is your job as parents to try and sort it, one way or another.

Watch -

[RenJen]

ArtIsMyThing,

 

Thank you so much, although I'm sad you had to go through that, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. I thought of staying and just "co-habitating" as we've been doing for a whole year, but I was just so heartbroken and angry. He was too over the woman he had the affair with and it just made everything so much more toxic. We were arguing constantly, and it's a terrible situation for everyone.

 

I agree, there will never be a third for me, even if that means I'm done with men for good. Just been burned too many times. Like I said, and you said, I did nothing wrong and I truly, truly loved him. And it didn't matter. I've just come to a point that he's not going to change. He's been like this for 30+ years. He had a second chance after his first marriage to have a picturesque life with a home, stable finances, a wife who loved him, a beautiful daughter in addition to our other wonderful children.

 

No matter what, it's a long road ahead. My eldest daughter was burned heavily by my split with her father. Not the divorce so much as the quick remarriage and she and my second husband never have gotten along well and it made her teenage years miserable. But she's older now and not filled with those teenage hormones and is doing well in school and is just fine, other than the very normal stresses that young people her age face with school and all. It'll be hard on my younger daughter, but she and I are so close since her father, other than being a good provider, has never spent all that much time with her or done other fatherly things. I've been her primary caretaker. My oldest has told me that my youngest will be okay and will recover.

 

The shame of having another failed marriage is awful. I often feel like a failure, and it just makes me frustrated. Do I just have bad taste in men? lol!

 

The heartbreak was unbearable for a while, then the anger, now I'm entering a calmer state. That I don't want to spend the rest of my daughter's youth around him.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. Hugs back!

[RenJen]

Your daughter is your priority here and staying with her father just because you want to, is perhaps not in her best interests if she doesn't even like him.

Where is she getting that "hatred" from?

 

I think if your husband offered to buy you a house, then you need to grab it, he may be the cheater here, but he has worked night and day to provide, and I may get flak for it but he probably deserves the bigger house from the point of view of the effort he has put in.

Some women end up leaving with a suitcase, so a house is not a bad deal, but get an attorney onto it and find out your rights.

 

If you have a house, you can get a job, your daughter being 8 doesn't need you 24/7, with child support and your job, you will be financially viable.

 

NO child should have to put up with warring parents, it is your job as parents to try and sort it, one way or another.

Watch -

elaine567,

 

You're very right in what you say. Basically, I tried to shield it from her as much as possible, but she unfortunately overheard a lot of the arguments and what not and, being a smart kid (kids are really quite perceptive) put together what had happened. Throughout the marriage I was her primary caretaker, as my husband barely spent any quality time with her. She was angry at him for hurting me. She would run away from him and make comments like "ew" when he came in the house, which I would not accept from her. No matter what happened between me and him, she is not allowed to disrespect and hurt her father like that. That has subsided now, and she's okay with him, but she still isn't very fond of him.

 

My eldest daughter tells me that I should have the house if, for nothing else, so that my youngest doesn't have her whole life up to this point uprooted. But my eldest is in her early 20s and has never been through something like this, and I hope and pray she never has to. But you're right. He knows he did wrong and is trying to make up for it, he says. I can live where I want (the next town over) and have my own life and still allow my youngest to be close enough to her father. You're absolutely right. If nothing else, I'm fortunate in that respect.

 

I do not intend to go to war with him at all. No custody battles, I don't want to go after his money, I don't want revenge or anything. When my first husband and I split, we technically had 50/50 custody but my eldest was always free to see her father whenever and for however long she wished. That's the biggest thing I did right. I didn't go to war over the child. And the current environment is not going to be healthy for my youngest as she gets older.

 

Something has to change. I just have to find my bravery.

[TaxAHCruel]

If I didn't have my daughter, I'd be long gone. I don't want to ruin our daughter's life

 

There is lots of advice and lots of things in your post to reply to. And other users already have. So I will pick one thing to focus on because I hear it too often.

 

Lots of people are in relationships they no longer want to be in - and the reason they give is the feel a break up or divorce would not be healthy for the child or children.

 

I question this reason - even though it is clearly well meant and the hearts of people are in the right place when saying it.

 

Is a divorce REALLY that unhealthy for a child? I do not believe it is. I think they are more robust and tough than many adults give credit for. And while there is some trauma in the break up for them - they recover well and strongly.

 

Contrast this with keeping them in an environment - long term - of a relationship that has broken down. Even without shouting and fighting this is not a healthy atmosphere - and it is not a sudden trauma they can get over - but a persistent and daily on going one.

 

I submit to such people therefore that a divorce and break up is not that bad on the emotional well being of a child at all - and is certainly not as bad as the alternative.

[elaine567]

I submit to such people therefore that a divorce and break up is not that bad on the emotional well being of a child at all - and is certainly not as bad as the alternative.

 

Agreed a healthy divorce, with caring parents doing their best to make their kid happy, can be a lot better than brooding resentment and atmospheres that can be cut with a knife

[ArtIsMyThing]

RenJen - before you make any decisions on finances or who gets what - i want you to go see a lawyer and see what you are legally entitled too - i couldnt give a SH IT how much work he did - you did the same amount raising the kids - him being entitled to more is a crock.

 

I made a mistake whilst in an emotional state to settle for 1/4 of what i should have - 14 months later he has our business earning huge money and im on a government pension - do not make decisions while emotional.

 

As for bravery - i am here for you - this whole forum will be here for you but i will be here to support your decisions and help you thru it.

 

The first thing you need to do is separate emotions from logic - take this from someone who could do that - you must separate the two feelings and go to a lawyer - cry all you like when your in bed alone - have a huge pity party - you have earnt it - but when it comes to yours and your daughters future - get to a lawyer and use logic.

 

and yes your daughter will adjust and something Dr Phil says The main influence to any child is the same sex parent - your daughter needs you to be brave and smart so if ever she is in the same situation, she has her mothers courage and experience to walk with

[TaxAHCruel]

Agreed a healthy divorce, with caring parents doing their best to make their kid happy, can be a lot better than brooding resentment and atmospheres that can be cut with a knife

 

Indeed. There are many children who not only sit in that atmosphere terrified of the next argument - or cold war silence - or other uncomfortable atmosphere - but they also sit there paranoid to the point of terror that something THEY might do or say might spark it.

 

The a child would have to live in that atmosphere at all - let alone do so with guilt and paranoia - certainly makes a healthy and cordial divorce seem the best option by miles.

[RenJen]

There is lots of advice and lots of things in your post to reply to. And other users already have. So I will pick one thing to focus on because I hear it too often.

 

Lots of people are in relationships they no longer want to be in - and the reason they give is the feel a break up or divorce would not be healthy for the child or children.

 

I question this reason - even though it is clearly well meant and the hearts of people are in the right place when saying it.

 

Is a divorce REALLY that unhealthy for a child? I do not believe it is. I think they are more robust and tough than many adults give credit for. And while there is some trauma in the break up for them - they recover well and strongly.

 

Contrast this with keeping them in an environment - long term - of a relationship that has broken down. Even without shouting and fighting this is not a healthy atmosphere - and it is not a sudden trauma they can get over - but a persistent and daily on going one.

 

I submit to such people therefore that a divorce and break up is not that bad on the emotional well being of a child at all - and is certainly not as bad as the alternative.

Thank you TaxAHCruel, any perspective or advice you give is appreciated, truly!

 

That is precisely the mistake I made with my eldest daughter 20 years ago. She was born and my first husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) was cheating on me for years. I found out and the other woman got out of the relationship with him because of the fact that he had a child. He and I debated on what was best for our daughter and decided to get married for her sake. Being 20 years younger, we thought it'd be better for her to have two married parents. It was a huge mistake. I stayed in that marriage so long and both he and I were miserable and it certainly didn't help her, and it did have a negative impact on her life. Fortunately, we're both good enough parents and raised her well enough despite our mistakes, and she's thriving now. (Sorry to gush, proud parent stuff!)

 

Having been through that, my eldest is saying the same thing you are, having been through a situation like that herself. She's been telling me for a year to get out for the sake of the youngest one, and I was just doing so poorly emotionally for the past year, that I couldn't bring myself to do it. No one is perfect, even parents, but I need to take the next step. Lord knows my current husband won't.

 

Kids are so resilient, I think we forget sometimes. I plan to absolutely keep her best interest at the center of everything. Like I said, my eldest, despite EVERYTHING she went through, is doing so well and is such a strong, intelligent, young woman.

 

I think divorcing may be the lesser of two evils, so to speak. I have to trust myself as a parent and support my daughter.

[elaine567]

...but they also sit there paranoid to the point of terror that something THEY might do or say might spark it.

 

You are right, children often blame themselves for their parents arguing and fighting.

They can accept the responsibility of trying to put it right too, and when that fails, they put even more blame on themselves.

It causes emotional damage.

GMA: Fighting in Front of Children, Emotionally Damaging - ABC News

[RenJen]

RenJen - before you make any decisions on finances or who gets what - i want you to go see a lawyer and see what you are legally entitled too - i couldnt give a SH IT how much work he did - you did the same amount raising the kids - him being entitled to more is a crock.

 

I made a mistake whilst in an emotional state to settle for 1/4 of what i should have - 14 months later he has our business earning huge money and im on a government pension - do not make decisions while emotional.

 

As for bravery - i am here for you - this whole forum will be here for you but i will be here to support your decisions and help you thru it.

 

The first thing you need to do is separate emotions from logic - take this from someone who could do that - you must separate the two feelings and go to a lawyer - cry all you like when your in bed alone - have a huge pity party - you have earnt it - but when it comes to yours and your daughters future - get to a lawyer and use logic.

 

and yes your daughter will adjust and something Dr Phil says The main influence to any child is the same sex parent - your daughter needs you to be brave and smart so if ever she is in the same situation, she has her mothers courage and experience to walk with

ArtIsMyThing, Thank you again. You're so very kind.

 

My eldest daughter (sorry I keep mentioning her!) says nearly the same thing to me. I've been referred to lawyers by my brother but when I was an emotional wreck last year, I just couldn't act. I was just too emotional and needed time. Maybe that's awful of me. Maybe it just made everything worse, but I just couldn't.

 

Yes, he did provide more financially, so I understand that logic. I would have provided if he would have allowed me as we both work in the same field and could make the same amount of money, I actually could make more than him with my Master's degree. But he never allowed that happened. He refused to give up that control.

 

I will be honest, the prospect of seeing a lawyer just drains me. No one likes dealing with lawyers, I suppose (no offense to any lawyers on here!), but like I said I'm very amicable, especially for our daughter's sake. I don't want to be vindictive, or vengeful, or anything. I have no desire to. And I will never do anything to jeopardize my husband's relationship with his daughter. That's the cruelest. I've seen that with other families and it hurts the children the most.

 

I definitely have my share of pity parties! lol!

 

You're advice is so empowering! I just need to stop being a coward and being stagnate. I don't know when it'll happen, sooner than later I know, but still it can't go on like this much longer.

 

Again, thank you so much!

[TaxAHCruel]

I plan to absolutely keep her best interest at the center of everything.

 

A lofty and wonderful goal for sure - and hard to disagree with. My own sister is "cohabiting" with her partner at the moment as an actual separation is not financially viable for her. Not due to infidelity - but her relationship has simply - run its course shall we say.

 

And she says the same thing as you. Her daughters best interests will be the centre and prime directive in everything she does.

 

Which is great. But you - her - and people like this do often risk missing the fact that sometimes what is best for you - a bout of selfishness where you do right by yourself - in the long term IS what is best for your child. But often this is not immediately apparent or obvious when making decisions.

 

We can often make a series of minor decisions - all based on this wonderful prime directive - but we compromise ourselves so much doing so in the long run that over all what we have done to ourselves is NOT best for the child.

 

So - in short - by all means make your child the primary focus but try to remain aware that looking after yourself - even selfishly sometimes - might actually be more in line with that goal than you first think.

[Steen719]

A poster posted something else Dr. Phil said;

 

It is better to be from a broken home than in one..

 

I had not heard it put that way before I read that (don't watch Dr. Phil), but I agree with that. This is not good for her.

 

Sorry you are in this. It stinks.

[chew123]

Staying together for your daughter would be a mistake. If the 2 of you are unhappy, you should get a lawyer and call it quits. Please don't let him dictate the terms of the divorce.

 

I am not trying to beat you up but I have to ask. From what I read, he cheated on his first wife with a coworker, and got involved with you while you were still married. What made you think he would be faithful to you? He seems to have a pattern.

 

I ask this because as a newly divorced man one of the deal breakers for me while dating is did you cheat on your ex. This thins the herd quite a bit. I wonder if I am being too harsh.

[GoBlue]

I am sorry RenJen for your situation. There is nothing pleasant about going through a divorce especially when there is children involved. I have scanned some of the responses and they are about what I expected. It's always easy to tell someone else what they should do when they have no emotional or physical investment whatsoever. I do believe that children are a good enough reason to try and save a marriage but marriage is a relationship that requires two willing participants. Have you consulted with a counselor, Pastor, or some other third party professional for help? Is your husband interested in working on this at all?

 

I value marriage very highly and believe it to be a sacred thing, but living as "partners" or as "roommates" for the sake of your daughter may not be a very healthy alternative for her. She deserves a mother and father who love one another and can show her what that looks like. Unfortunately, neither of you can make this decision for him. There is a great book that I highly recommend called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book with some very specific advice. It's a great place to start as you consider your next move.

 

Please know that my heart goes out to you. I have been divorced for six years and I still am not over it. I know where there is some free counseling available if you are interested. Send me a private message and I will share it with you. In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

So I met my husband about 10 years ago. He was everything that my ex-husband wasn't. I was head over heels. Neither my now ex-husband and I were happy, so we decided to divorce and I quickly remarried my current husband after we had already bought a house (all the kids from our previous marriages were young or teenagers) and I was quickly pregnant with our daughter.

 

Does this timeline indicate your husband became involved with you while you were still married to your ex?

 

If so, his actions can't come as a complete surprise to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

I just wanted to say sorry for your troubles and DO NOT settle for less than you are legally entitled to. His ego probably wouldn't let you work, knowing you could earn more than him.

 

Why should your daughter be uprooted from her home. He can move. He's clearly not been an involved father and didn't learn from cheating on his first wife. It really is a character trait for so many people.

 

If he had a better relationship with your daughter, an in house separation may have been possible, but why bother.

I do wonder if serial cheaters ever think of how the children they bring into the world perceive them.

 

See an attorney. Pronto.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I am sorry RenJen for your situation. There is nothing pleasant about going through a divorce especially when there is children involved. I have scanned some of the responses and they are about what I expected. It's always easy to tell someone else what they should do when they have no emotional or physical investment whatsoever. I do believe that children are a good enough reason to try and save a marriage but marriage is a relationship that requires two willing participants. Have you consulted with a counselor, Pastor, or some other third party professional for help? Is your husband interested in working on this at all?

 

I value marriage very highly and believe it to be a sacred thing, but living as "partners" or as "roommates" for the sake of your daughter may not be a very healthy alternative for her. She deserves a mother and father who love one another and can show her what that looks like. Unfortunately, neither of you can make this decision for him. There is a great book that I highly recommend called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book with some very specific advice. It's a great place to start as you consider your next move.

 

Please know that my heart goes out to you. I have been divorced for six years and I still am not over it. I know where there is some free counseling available if you are interested. Send me a private message and I will share it with you. In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

We all value marraige - thats why we are here and the person we married is not. Its not about sitting back giving advice because we have no physical investment - we have had out physcial investment and we have been broken and we survived and we are trying to help others know they will be ok. They are the ones in the emotional state - we are the ones who have mostly come thru the other side.

 

Your comments sounded as if there is something wrong in our advice and yet your post ended up giving the same advice.

 

Trust me dear - I value marraige - i'd have wiped the spit from his mouth had he have gotten ill and i stood by him poor and while he had a lot of kids. I valued marraige - him and those kids were my everything and in the end - i am out the door and he has everything.

 

My advice and everyone elses advice is very sound. She needs a lawyer and her daughter will be ok.

 

Please do not conclude that we do not value marraige - I dont seen any of our ex partners on here pouring out there heart asking for advice.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I just need to stop being a coward and being stagnate. I don't know when it'll happen, sooner than later I know, but still it can't go on like this much longer.

 

You are not a coward hon - fear and uncertainty are two of the hardest emotions to deal with.

[BetrayedH]

I've only read your opening post so please forgive me if I repeat the thoughts of others.

 

I suffered thru infidelity, a painful attempt at reconciliation, and a subsequent divorce a few years ago. Our kids were 4 and 8 years old at the time.

 

Staying "just" for the sake of the children routinely ends up achieving the opposite effect from what you intend. Kids aren't stupid and pick up on vibes much better than we might expect. What you have to consider is that your marital relationship will serve as the example to her of what a marriage should look like. If there's no real love and intimacy and you live like roommates (even amicable ones, if you're lucky), she's likely to mirror that in her own marriage. Is that what you want for her?

 

Worse yet, you may well set the example that it's acceptable for a woman to have an irrationally workaholic husband that cheats on his wife. This becomes a norm for her.

 

You'll be doing no favors for your daughter by staying and she may even resent that she's to blame for your miserable marriage over the next dozen years. One expression I've learned to believe is that it's better for children to be from a broken home than to be in one. It's also said that it's better for kids to be raised in two happy households rather than one unhappy one.

 

As for other reasons to stay, I firmly believe that the only potential for a couple to reconcile after infidelity is if the wayward spouse is truly remorseful. That, unfortunately, seems highly unlikely in your case. If your husband was going to have learned anything about infidelity, it should have been after he lost his first marriage due to it. Instead, it appears that he quite quickly and successfully moved on to another marriage. He learned that he can do it and essentially get away with it. The proof is in the fact that he's done it again. He's basically learned to be a serial cheater. Is it possible that he learned his lesson this time? I might believe that if he'd had a drunken one-night-stand that was unplanned and voluntarily confessed the next day. Is that what you're dealing with?

 

Even if he were truly remorseful, then you'd also have to be truly forgiving. But that comes second and is a taller order than you might think.

 

So, if you choose divorce, what do you do to best set up your daughter for success? Most data says that routine involvement by both parents is optimal. As well, younger children recover more quickly than older children and kids recover more slowly when one parent is perceived to be at fault. Shared custody (like 50/50) is best. That said, I'm not suggesting that a child be left in conditions that involve a lack of safety, or that include abuse or neglect. But many fathers do learn how to step up when faced with either raising their kid or essentially losing them. I fought for 50/50 and got it and I'm quite good at being a single Dad. Your husband doesn't sound like the type but we're just getting your side of the story. As well, the more you have your daughter, the more your husband would be paying you in child support. He may decide to go for greater custody just to avoid the cost (especially since the money goes to an exwife). Guys get pissed about that (the more they lose the kids, the more they pay). Just something to consider.

 

Anyway, enough rambling from me for now. Curious to hear your thoughts.

Edited April 23, 2015 by BetrayedH

[BetrayedH]

Your daughter is your priority here and staying with her father just because you want to, is perhaps not in her best interests if she doesn't even like him.

Where is she getting that "hatred" from?

 

I think if your husband offered to buy you a house, then you need to grab it, he may be the cheater here, but he has worked night and day to provide, and I may get flak for it but he probably deserves the bigger house from the point of view of the effort he has put in.

Some women end up leaving with a suitcase, so a house is not a bad deal, but get an attorney onto it and find out your rights.

 

If you have a house, you can get a job, your daughter being 8 doesn't need you 24/7, with child support and your job, you will be financially viable.

 

NO child should have to put up with warring parents, it is your job as parents to try and sort it, one way or another.

Watch -

 

I'll go ahead and give you a little flack.

 

I think she deserves 50% of the marital assets and 50% of the debts. It should all get down to a financial equation. Any assets or debts from prior to the marriage belong to the individual but otherwise, they were a partnership. He worked on some things (like bringing in the money) and she worked on other things.

 

Go for what's fair and don't accept less. Follow the advice from your attorney but don't let him or her go for more than you're entitled either.

 

ETA: I would echo the advice of others that say not to make emotional decisions about custody or financials. Use your head, not your heart. Most attorneys will tell you that the biggest regret of those divorcing is that they gave up too much just to get it over with.

Edited April 23, 2015 by BetrayedH

[RenJen]

TaxAHCruel, I'm sorry for what your sister is going through. And while I want to do right by my daughter, I do see your point. How can I be the best mother I can be when I myself am not okay?

 

I'm all my daughter has really, as her father isn't actively in involved in her life and isn't particularly interested in spending time with her or being an involved parent with her. I don't want to hurt her more, but sometimes taking care of us is what's best.

 

I acted really selfishly with my eldest. It was all very complicated, but I rushed into a second marriage with him and they never got along which made her teenage years miserable. But like I said, she's okay now and is recovered and thriving, harboring no ill feelings about it. She's a great young lady.

 

I think that finding some kind of balance is key.

[RenJen]

A poster posted something else Dr. Phil said;

 

It is better to be from a broken home than in one..

 

I had not heard it put that way before I read that (don't watch Dr. Phil), but I agree with that. This is not good for her.

 

Sorry you are in this. It stinks.

Never watched or cared much for Dr. Phil, BOTH pieces of advice are really good. I'll definitely keep them in mind! Thank you!