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Need Some New Healing Tactics


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Mr. Goodguy

You guys have heard my story: Wife cheats with one guy, we are supposedly working it out. 2 month wife starts talking to 25 year old guy(She is 43) leaves me and my sons to move in with him. She sees the boys 4-5 times a week.

I am not ever going to be getting back with her but I know she and this guy are creating a stronger bond and living the party lifestyle. She moved out 5 weeks ago and its hard at times especially at night not to think about him and her. I do a good job for the most part but I want to get past this as quick as possible.

I am doing all the things that are suggested on here

Focusing on my boys

Working out I am lighter then I have been in years. I am meeting new friends not for a relationship but just new people of substance. Trying to find a new hobby but sometimes its still gets tough to figure out how to fill a space of someone that has been with you for 25 years. She has turned very distant and cold and I know this is who she has become but it still hurts. Just can't believe how fast she has seemed to move on.

Can we come up with some Jedi next level tactics or is this as good as it gets and I have to let time do its thing?

And when she sees the boys I am not here.

Edited by Mr. Goodguy
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Hey,

This is just my experience. 22 years married and divorced from the cheater. I did all of the things I needed to also. Divorce group, walked and walked, exercised, went out for fun things, etc. and for me - it just was time and the perspective that comes with it.

 

Thing is, she moved on before this. As my brother said to me, well he was dating while you were married. He had already moved on. True. Your WW, too. You will have to catch up.

 

You have to feel what you feel and walk right through it to get to the other side. But you will. It happened slowly for me; not just one day. But, I did recognize that I felt better after about 6 months after moving out...not great, but better. It takes time.

 

Hope things improve for you. You are doing the right things. It will come. Good luck.

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Mr. Goodguy

Steen719,

 

Thank you for your insight and quick response. I figure the only way to get some new answers is to ask more questions

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I wanted to get my emotions out of my head - but didn't want to burden others.

 

Art therapy was a great outlet for me!

 

I drew pictures - my anger came out and onto the page. I burned them.

 

Then

 

I began drawing my dreams after that! What did I want? What did that look like for me? I kept those.

 

It was a fascinating transitional period!!!

 

And now... Every now and then I take out my sidewalk chalk and draw on the ground! That way I can wash it away when I'm finished with those emotions too.

 

 

Mainly it's an exercise that helps me understand what I may not be capable of understanding or saying to anyone else. Getting it out of my head and onto something else has been extremely valuable!

 

I highly recommend it!

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Mr. Goodguy

Thank you I havent tried that but I love to draw. I do write down everything I am feeling in a journal. Thanks again I will go buy an art pad this week.

Glad things are better for you

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Thank you I havent tried that but I love to draw. I do write down everything I am feeling in a journal. Thanks again I will go buy an art pad this week.

Glad things are better for you

 

I used copy paper and sidewalk chalk. Simple, easy and cheap.

 

No need to make it difficult = the goal is to get those emotions out of your head and place them somewhere else.

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casey.lives

When my ex abandoned me, i got a full time job, cut off everyone who would feed me news about him and i later traveled. Soon after, i was good as new.

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Mr. Goodguy

Thank you for all the suggestions. Just have to power through. Never thought something could hurt so bad. I guess this is the only way to grow right?

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ArtIsMyThing

Yeah its bad love .. never thought i'd heal but mostly have now except i'm still a hermit ..going to work on that soon .. you'll be okay love ..its just time

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PegNosePete
And when she sees the boys I am not here.

She has moved out, but comes back into the house to see your boys, and you leave to give her space?

 

That doesn't seem like a very viable or wise move to me. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick here?

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Mr. Goodguy

Pete,

 

She comes from work and I am still at work until she leaves and then I come to the house I dont see her at all. She moved out but I didnt want here to stop seeing the boys. The divorce papers are hopefully arriving today. She actually sent an email that she wants to set up a schedule which she actually will see the boys even less now.

Ive met a few people just need to meet more i guess.

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PegNosePete

Personally I would not be happy with that arrangement. When she left, she left. She lost her rights to use your private space as a contact centre for her kids. It's not your responsibility to force her to spend time with her children, that's totally up to her. If she wants to see the boys then she should do so in her own space or on neutral ground. Your home is your private space. How long does she think she can keep this up? After the divorce will she still be coming into your home to see them? When you have a new partner living there will she still be popping round to play happy families?

 

In my opinion it is best to establish the long-term pattern as soon as possible. In the long-term she will not be coming into your home to see the kids. The sooner that arrangement becomes reality, the better for all concerned.

 

Have you asked your lawyer whether this arrangement is a good idea, or what the consequences of it are? A precedent is being set here.

 

Since she wants to re-negotiate contact times anyway it is an ideal time to tell her that her contact should not be in your home any more.

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Once I wrote a post to attempt to get a person out of a poster's head. Gross, really gross. The moderators called me out on it -- saying it was "over the top." They were absolutely correct. That is why I have a red dot by my avatar. Sometimes I make mistakes.

 

So, I will put this idea mildly to you. I try to think of the bad things about my former husband when I get all "mushy-gushy."

 

"The APP List"

 

One thing for sure, you always, most likely, have your smart phone with you. Here is an idea that I use. I keep a dedicated page on my List App in my cell phone to review when I get that "Ooooie-Goooie" feeling. I add things to the list, every time I recall something "NOT GOOD." For instance, there are sub-headings for:

 

1. When husband completely embarrassed me - and how I felt.

 

2. Terrible names he called me.

 

3. Horrible statements he made to me.

 

4. Complete lies I discovered where there is was absolutely no doubt about it (such as a secret bank account). Just a little reminder that I was married to a THIEF.

 

5. Events that have occurred where he clearly "gaslighted" me.

 

6. Record of disturbing mind-games post separation/divorce (i.e., coming in my neighborhood with a girl in his convertible, top down - in winter), etc. Little reminder -- don't let my buttons get pushed. Always expect the unexpected.

 

7. Dates of his drive-by's, and following me. Dates of his paid Private Investigators to conduct surveillance, dates of him being in the same place as I am. And tag numbers. (I keep this one on a separate page).

 

More on the "Practical Documentation" APP List

 

The aforementioned (#7) was very helpful is discovering that I had a particularly distinct pattern of "when" I went certain places. That is how he showed up so often exactly at the same time as I did. That freaked me out for a long time. Now, I changed up my whole routine.

 

Should you try this technique, your App List will vary, of course. But in those tough moments - it has really helped me. Every negative FACT is in one place - the most important items to read and remind me of the bad situation I am now out of, are always at my fingertips. As I recall additional matters from past history, I continue to add to the list.

 

As well, the practical matters of documentation are stored in same system -- which too, is a reminder that he was and still is trying to drive me nuts. Will not disappear from my territory, my neighborhood (miles away from his). There is no reason in the world for him to be over here where I live.

 

Your "Practical Documentation" App List might keep dates of wife's visits to see kids, and outcome, thereto, -- etc. Keeping a practical record like this sorta gives me a feeling of control over what I perceive to be a kaotic situation. It may or may not work for you. Just an idea.

 

Visual Technique

 

Besides the list, I also recommend visualization techniques. Personally, I can see some things in my mind that totally gross me out. I will not go into detail on that. But it works. YMMV.

 

Reading and Research

 

I have done a heck of a lot of reading and research on the particular marital issues and dysfunctions that contributed to the situation, this has been useful in my recovery. For me, it is a 26 year marriage to overcome.

 

Posting on LS

 

This site has helped me tremendously, I recommend you keep posting here, and when you are well, come back and help others - I find that "paying it forward" to be therapeutic, as well.

 

"Try to SEE What is Good"

 

I am so thankful for our LS Community, and Moderators that kindly and patiently keep me in line (I have bi-polar 2, and a host of other associated disorders, so sometimes, if I happen to be in mania, I get carried away). I could have been kicked out a long time ago - but I receive kindness, compassion, and understanding here at LS, even though I have a serious mental illness, ans sometimes I don't think or act right. The good side - I am accepted, despite this condition that sometimes crops up.

 

See - things could be much worse! Your mind works fine, you have much less time invested in this thing than I do. Try to see the positives, right there.

 

I absorbed this lesson myself when reviewing one of the early LS "No Contact" Readings. Therein, was mention of trying to put your break-up problems in perspective. The author asked readers to imagine visiting a Cancer Ward and telling their break-up problems to people getting ready to take a dirt nap. That simple sentence shifted my paradigm. There is always someone much worse off than us.

 

We have to count our blessings. That is another page to enter into the APP List, isn't it?

 

Yas

 

PS -- Just trying to give you real life examples, not make ya feel bad.

Edited by Yasuandio
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Mr. Goodguy

Yesuandio,

 

Thank you for that! Some of those will be very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to lay that out. Everyone on this forum who takes time to post I can't thank you enough. You have all been a blessing. I wish the best life has to offer to you.

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I think these will help me as well. Mr. Good Guy, in the end we will all be able to keep our heads up and know that life will continue and as long as you have family or friends you will always have someone who cares.

 

I am trying to work on healing and going to begin meeting my minister for extra counseling, but right now it is still rough waking up next to her everyday and remembering all that we had. I wish I could just take a week and disappear.

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Yes. We are still in the same house and bed. I was told by my attorney to not move out until the preliminary hearing and then he will fight to keep me with my daughter. If I leave I lose some leverage in a custody talk. Also we have yet to sit down and talk to our daughter. I don't want her getting up and asking why I am sleeping on the couch.

 

I guess I am also holding out hope still, no matter how thin that she will look over and reconsider and we can begin the harder road of working on our issues. :o

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Mr. Goodguy

Esraem,

 

My brother from another mother. I know we are both in a tough spot but I want to give you some brotherly love and advice. I understand keeping your foothold in the house and staying in the same bed to some degree for your daughter, but you have to realize like I am right now that our wives have gone to a different place that they may never return from. What they are experiencing is a new turn on its almost like a drug. They are excited by it and are justifying in their minds that this is all worth their happiness.

 

I am saying that to tell you that I understand holding out for hope but you need to pick a day in the near future to stop with the hope and move on. You now have to get yourself straight. Until then you cant be for the best for the other person that maybe eventually totally be dependent on you...your daughter.

I realized that if my wife came back to me on her knees and broken saying that she made a mistake it would still never work. Here are the reasons why. Ask yourself if you would feel the same way.

If she comes back now I have to:

Wonder if it will happen again

Wonder how I feel if she is 10 minutes late coming back from the store

Look at her sideways now about everything she says

Realize that she has experienced someone and somethings new so she is not the same.

Wonder if she still respects me after I let her do what she did

Know that she continued to put our family last just to have fun.

Wonder if she is the right example for my children anymore?

 

So we both have to really get real and saywhat are we really holding on to hope for? To keep that in our lives? You really should be pitying her because she has really done somethings that she should totally be ashamed for but she isnt.

We will be miserable trying to carry the weight of what they have done to us and the kids.

Just don't want you or me torturing ourselves any more then needed my friend.

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Mr. Goodguy

Esraem,

 

And I will tell you the same thing my friend told me when I got mad at her for being real with me, "I want you to win, I tell you this because I want you to win"

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To bad we are so far apart. I think we could be pretty good friends lol.

 

I am starting down that path. I know I need to let go and allow her to fail. I also know it will not be that easy this time for us to just reset as before.

 

 

I found this after speaking with my minister.

 

https://4littlefergusons.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/the-prodigal-spouse-because-god-is-bigger-than-your-divorce-papers/

 

I will keep an eye to the road, but I will not stop moving forward for myself or my daughter.

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