Do Cheating ex's ever really get payback?.

[GarrusVakarian]

I was out on weekend chatting to a friend as we was talking about people who cheat on there partners. Does Karma or payback ever really happen?. Or is it just made up to try and make the wronged spouse feel better?. Only reason I ask is I heard from an old friend that my ex bro in law got married and got me kind of thinking.

 

 

From my own situation, my now ex wife who I was married to for only two years. I found out she had been having an affair with another married guy 20 years older than her, for 8 months of our marriage. She made out like I was the bad guy, I drove her to the affair. Saying I didn't trust her, because I dug in to her facebook and found all the messages between her and this other man.

 

 

She told everyone I was abusive and a control freak. Lied about the whole thing to friends and family saying it was just all fantasy and I was making it up. As a result I lost a lot of friends. She even made prank calls to OM's wife saying her husband was cheating. She once even blamed the affair on the death of my baby nephew who died 10 years ago. Saying I had unresolved issues that affected our marriage!. She is now with this 50 year old who has left his family and wife of 33 years for my ex wife.

 

 

So really, do cheaters like the above ever get payback?. Just interested in other peoples experiences?.

[PegNosePete]

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Bit of a silly question, really.

 

Life does not follow rules so rigidly. Good people sometimes get screwed and bad people sometimes get away with it. Other times good people are rewarded and bad people are punished. That's life. There are no morality police going around making sure bad people get what they deserve.

[elaine567]

You WANT her to get some payback, but that may or may not happen.

 

We all have one life, we can all screw up and we can make another's life miserable. It is just the way things are.

Your wife wasn't happy, she took an opportunity that presented itself to her. Be grateful you found out now and not 20 years down the line.

 

Get on with your own life and stop obsessing over hers.

[goodyblue]

Well, I just think it is random.

 

I was OW. I was involved in an affair with my guy for a short time before he left his 29 year marriage. It is a bit of a different dynamic because his ex is an alcoholic and he eventually would have left anyway, but he never had mouthed her to anyone except for talking to me about his situation. He didn't tarnish her reputation. He is a prominent businessman in our community and he worried she would hurt his reputation. She really, really tried, but tbh nobody really cared and his business didn't suffer. She hoped to clean up in the divorce, using his infidelity to get a larger settlement, that didn't happen either. She tried to poison his daughter against him, that also failed.

 

He divorced and moved on. He got an apartment and moved me and my kids across the country to live a mile away from him and we dated. A year later we moved in together. It has been some years now and we are very happy and just bought a new home.

 

Everything that happened to my guy was positive. But you know, there are lots of other scenarios also. A woman who used to post here was outed by her priest in church, shamed, humiliated and shunned by her community. It really runs the gamut.

 

You just never k.OW how things will pan out, but what you really need to hear is that you should not be worrying about it, you should be focusing on you and on moving forward. The.friends you lost? Not your friends or they would not have abandoned you. You will be fine if you just do you.

 

Good luck!!

[minimariah]

some do, some don't... it's like that with everything in life, really.

 

in my opinion - it's all about luck. some are more lucky, some are less lucky. i think people made out "karma" to feel in control, because the fact that a lot of things in life depend solely on luck freaks us out.

 

and of course... many cheaters have that type of character that they eventually self-destruct. it's like... when someone steals and keeps stealing and is finally caught and goes to prison? that's not karma - those are the consequences.

 

and some are able to dodge those consequences and live their lives happily, some aren't. that's all there is to it.

[No Limit]

many cheaters have that type of character that they eventually self-destruct.

 

And those are the more dangerous sort. The pilot who crashed the Germanwings machine into the Alps was an adulterer too by the way...

[carhill]

So really, do cheaters like the above ever get payback?. Just interested in other peoples experiences?.

IME, it depends on their individual psychology and social power. The more compartmentalized their psychology and the more popular they are socially, the less likely any 'payback' will ever occur, save for the final payback when they die.

 

So far, in my experience, mixed bag. One MW drank herself to death. Another serial MW went on to hook up with a successful MM and they live a quite comfortable and apparently satisfying life after 15 years of being together. I've lost track of a few MW's over the decades but never got the sense that their lifestyle or path suffered in any great manner due to their philandering. Of course, it's impossible to know what's in another's mind, and that goes for anyone, not just philanderers. Additionally, very few of us escape life's challenges irrespective of any hurtful actions we may commit. One can live the most pure of lives and still get the shyte end of the stick. Happens.

 

Perhaps I can take a lesson from my male role model, who never talked about the wife who left him for another man while he was overseas during the war and took his daughters whom he rarely saw ever again. He simply wrote them and paid his child support and moved on to marry my mother a number of years later. One chapter of life closed and another began. Did he secretly wish for her to get some 'karma'. IDK. IMO, probably not since he wasn't that kind of man. We all have choices.

[BetrayedH]

Fundamentally, my exwife is going to have gotten away with it. She certainly suffered some consequences by virtue of getting caught but she's never going to really get what she has coming to her.

[KBarletta]

In my opinion, the best "payback" is knowing that they have to live the rest of their lives as liars and cheats, and those who don't cheat can sleep a little better at night knowing that they at least were faithful to their marriage vows.

[No Limit]

In my opinion, the best "payback" is knowing that they have to live the rest of their lives as liars and cheats, and those who don't cheat can sleep a little better at night knowing that they at least were faithful to their marriage vows.

 

Well, tehy don't care about being liars and cheats. But the effects on their behavior are very interesting to watch. Especially when they try sweet words on people who aren't easily smitten by compliments...

[SLee]

I think it's all on the ex. If they really change and take action to change, they may not. But if they don't, it's more likely that way. Real life isn't that smooth.

 

I'm not/have never been married but, my mom is going through a nasty time with her current husband (my step dad). He had an affair and she found out a bit over a year ago. He has a long history of cheating. He's a workaholic who only cares about making money. My mom had another child with him really early into their relationship and they got married and built a house really, really fast. He has two kids from a previous marriage that ended 'cause he had an affair.

 

I was suspicious of him from the beginning. He's a sexist who believes women should only stay home and the man should bring home the money. Not that being a housewife is wrong if both partners agree on it and all, but he pretty much forced my mom, a smart well educated woman to stay at home and take care of everything. But then he got resentful of her not contributing financially. Problem is, he works two jobs one during the day and one at night, so there's literally no one to stay home with their daughter (7 years old now), so my mom had to.

 

Then he had an affair with a woman he worked with. The situation was verbatim what he had done to his previous wife. He had a second chance. He had a nice home, a wonderful daughter, a wife who loved him and took care of him, he lived comfortably. And he blew it a second time.

 

I'm confident, as is my mom now, that he'll work himself into bad health. That he will end up alone in some respect. Not that I wish that on him, but it's bound to happen if he doesn't make some SERIOUS changes. He loves his kids and they love him, but he spends almost no time with them. Other than being a good provider, he's not really a father. He has his choices. He's an adult. He's in his 50s. He needs to take some responsibility or else it's not going to work out well for him. Not because of karma or anything, but because that's the path he's on.

 

He has the emotional maturity of a 17 year old and refuses to change. Some cheating exes may have stuff coming around to them, but some don't. I still believe that a lot of it is on the ex to change.

[casey.lives]

No, they don't. They don't skip a beat.

[ArtIsMyThing]

The best payback is for you to get up and love life.

[SycamoreCircle]

I'll go against the more high-minded replies and say this:

 

a relationship born out of deception has nowhere to go but deception.

 

It's like a heist film. The perfect job is foiled by the mutual distrust of the thieves.

 

If you cheat on your girlfriend and shamelessly lie and smear her to those closest, what am I to think of you? Well, first I'd be flattered because I understand you did it for me. You're so eager to get into my pants. Once that's old hat and real concerns enter the equation, I would ask myself---can I trust this person? They did something pretty underhanded. I can keep them around but I've got to watch my back. Stay one step ahead of them, that's the best bet.

What kind of relationship is that? Certainly not one of intimacy and certainly not conducive to growth.

[Phoe]

I don't quite believe in karma.

 

I got cheated on 3 times. In 2 of the cases the guy went on to be really happy and have a seemingly great relationship with said girl.

 

But they could've gone about it all in a better manner. If I'm not the right one, I'm not the right one, but don't drag me through the mud on your way out.

 

In the 3rd case, it worked out so well for him, they got married a year later.

 

But no karma ever came to them. I just don't believe in karma.

[KBarletta]

I don't quite believe in karma.

 

I got cheated on 3 times. In 2 of the cases the guy went on to be really happy and have a seemingly great relationship with said girl.

 

But they could've gone about it all in a better manner. If I'm not the right one, I'm not the right one, but don't drag me through the mud on your way out.

 

In the 3rd case, it worked out so well for him, they got married a year later.

 

But no karma ever came to them. I just don't believe in karma.

 

 

I hear you, but I'd say that sometimes karma comes later, not necessarily right away. As others have posted, when your relationship begins with cheating, there's an elemental lack of trust at the base of the relationship that I think would be hard to get past. If they cheated with you, who's to say they won't cheat on you? That's the kind of payback that doesn't come in one swift moment, but is the kind that eats away over time, I think.

[BetrayedH]

I'll go against the more high-minded replies and say this:

 

a relationship born out of deception has nowhere to go but deception.

 

It's like a heist film. The perfect job is foiled by the mutual distrust of the thieves.

 

If you cheat on your girlfriend and shamelessly lie and smear her to those closest, what am I to think of you? Well, first I'd be flattered because I understand you did it for me. You're so eager to get into my pants. Once that's old hat and real concerns enter the equation, I would ask myself---can I trust this person? They did something pretty underhanded. I can keep them around but I've got to watch my back. Stay one step ahead of them, that's the best bet.

What kind of relationship is that? Certainly not one of intimacy and certainly not conducive to growth.

 

But we're assuming that the affair couple stays together.

 

In the case of my exwife, she and her AP never planned on leaving their marriages for one another. They were just mutually cake eating and destroyed two families in the process. Do they care? Not really, because they were already "unhappy" in their marriages anyway. So, they got what they wanted - an exciting affair and a divorce. And there's no affair relationship to go sour. My exwife is now single and sleeping around with whomever she likes. She's single, successful, and got rid of that pesky husband. Fortunately for her, I watch the kids half the week so she has some great Friday and Saturday nights. Ain't no karma happening here.

[sandylee1]

There can never be a definite yes or no answer to your question. It's the same as in any situation, people get away with a lot of things. Just look at all the unsolved crimes. Justice doesn't always prevale.

 

Some betrayed spouses go to all lengths to ruin the cheating spouses life in their endeavour to see that some kind of karma hits them.

 

It's always been my stand that I won't ever give any man the satisfaction of seeing me pine over him if he cheated on me. I may cry inside and be depressed, but I have kept and will always keep that for behind closed doors.

 

The best karma for them is me moving on and the cheater seeing me doing just fine without them.

[deg20]

Sometimes karma comes in different ways. My wife left me a year ago. She hurriedly gave me 20 grand as a buy out and replaced me on the mortgage with a relative. I took it because it saved us from lawyers, drama, etc...no ties to the house. She immediately put the house on the market to sell. She doesn't make much so she needed to move and get a cheaper place.

 

 

A year later, and the house is still for sale. She dropped it 40 grand since then and still no bites, and she will have to keep doing so. Her bills far exceed her income. I offered to pay for some of her youngest's clothes, school stuff, etc., to which she said it's not your responsibility...her kid from another marriage. I paid for stuff anyway, outside of her refusal. I take him to dinner and see him so we still have a relationship, but she never made me feel like a husband or dad for the nine years...kept me on the outside always.

 

 

Now she's going on strike and will have nearly no pay. Her oldest is in college...she is struggling badly and I assume she is mooching from friends and family. I think she's trying to hide her mess from her new guy, who has money, but for how long? She has taken money from work secretly to pay a bill or two ( she's at a school ), and has asked me for toilet paper and kraft dinner a few months ago...

 

 

I'm not a ruthless guy despite what she's done, but I can't help but to get some sick satisfaction from her drowning...

[Bluesandy]

Yep, I think it could, because the one who is leaving is leaving because as he can't fix his own problems, and really thinks you are the problem (you might be it sometimes though), and start all over again with the next one. We, the dumpee, have to work on ourself, so we are getting in a much better situation for the next relationship we might have in the future..

In my case, my wife left me two years ago for her boss who left his familiy as well, leaving me and my three daughters all shattered... After 4 months, he was so jaleous he beat her badly and they had to separate... She is stubburned, so she went with another one but this one cheat her, then separation again. Finally she met a guy who was her ideal mate as she describe him, financially secure and nice, but this one dumped her after a few month, and she is now with a total jerk.....

For me it has been very different, stayed almost one year with a nice girl, had to separate for some dark reasons and since, I am with another nice girl, cute and so affectionate and lovely, and got several other opportunities......

And I think her nightmare is not over, the best is to come ;-))))

I just wait and enjoy the view...

So don't worry, things happened for a reason....

[toolforgrowth]

I don't quite believe in karma.

 

I got cheated on 3 times. In 2 of the cases the guy went on to be really happy and have a seemingly great relationship with said girl.

 

But they could've gone about it all in a better manner. If I'm not the right one, I'm not the right one, but don't drag me through the mud on your way out.

 

In the 3rd case, it worked out so well for him, they got married a year later.

 

But no karma ever came to them. I just don't believe in karma.

 

Karma definitely got him in the end. He got married! Just give it time...

 

Then again, I view marriage as basically a death sentence, so take that with a huge boulder of halite.

 

They say the best revenge is to just live a good life. I firmly believe that. I have an awesome life, one that I'm grateful and proud to call my own. What my xWW does is her business, and I do and say nothing to stand in her way of that.

[Lion Heart]

I'll go against the more high-minded replies and say this:

 

a relationship born out of deception has nowhere to go but deception.

 

It's like a heist film. The perfect job is foiled by the mutual distrust of the thieves.

 

If you cheat on your girlfriend and shamelessly lie and smear her to those closest, what am I to think of you? Well, first I'd be flattered because I understand you did it for me. You're so eager to get into my pants. Once that's old hat and real concerns enter the equation, I would ask myself---can I trust this person? They did something pretty underhanded. I can keep them around but I've got to watch my back. Stay one step ahead of them, that's the best bet.

What kind of relationship is that? Certainly not one of intimacy and certainly not conducive to growth.

 

I agree with ^^^^.

 

Plus to answer the thread questions if karma really exists? Who knows. I believe in karma but more specifically "I'm driving my own karma". I can't see it working 100% in all cases with exes or OP but I don't care to. What I prefer to do is concentrate on doing EVERYTHING I CAN to improve my OWN life and those I love and especially are responsible for. If I'm putting 100% into my own life then I couldn't give a hang about ANYONE outside my circle of concern.

 

Sometimes I've felt completely ripped off at the end of a relationship but usually not for long. After enough time or healing has passed I've always been grateful that those relationships came to an end. I've always been grateful for what I DO have. If it's not "enough" of this or that then it's entirely up to me to put the work in to get whatever it is I want.

So I guess I'm great at making lemonade when life's served me a lemon.

 

I'm also grateful that exes dumped me (the 1 or 2 that did) because yes, I didn't deserve them. I deserved WAAAAYYY better! Lol.

 

TBH I've WANTED to see my ex partners much happier and completely faithful to their chosen life partners after me. And it just hasn't happened as far as I know except for 1 exbf. And I'm so happy for him because I KNOW he's happy. I don't know if it's only 1 for sure but I don't seek information and don't use social media.

 

As for H No. 1 I thought he was happy too in his next 25y M. Apparently not so much because he's planned to fly interstate THIS YEAR to gate crash an event I'll be at and one he's not invited to. He's told my friends it's for 1 purpose. To see me.

I hope his W knows cause she sure will after it!

 

Same with an LTR who cheated and I left. He tried to cheat on his W with me 10y after we broke up. He's a cheat through and through. Didn't like me introducing myself to his W! Watch out for the karma bus!

 

Same with H No. 2: cheated, I left with baby DD, warned his fiancée crying at my kitchen table to cut and run! She stayed, M and is a crazy woman living in he**. Not my problem. They've got 2 neurotic, anxious and probably depressed children and that is not karma to me, it's completely disgusting behaviours from 2 irresponsible adults. The DD we had together is an incredibly empowered individual and no thanks to them!

 

I've been fortunate to see the karma come back to people but it's not always the case and it certainly hasn't made me "happy", in fact it's quite sad to see people employ repeated patterns and not break them for the sake of themselves and the people who love them. Oh well not my problem either!

 

Living a good life. One you are VERY proud of within yourself is the only thing we should focus on. Life ticks away whether we wallow in misery over people who barely remember our name or make the very most of what we HAVE got right now! It's learning HOW to make the most out of whatever we have right now and find any ways possible to improve our lives.

 

Wishing you all a fulfilled and bounteous life.

Lion Heart.

[compulsivedancer]

So when you say karma, you mean does everyone hate me? Are all my future lovers going to cheat on me? Did work fire me, etc? None of these have happened to me so far, no.

 

But I lost my best friend, my house, many friends (not people who hate me, just the typical loss of not seeing people who were mostly his friends) and family (again, his family). I know that many of the people I run into, including people I work with, may know about my affair. I spent two years living with the despair and anger of my BS, which was its own kind of torture. Now I live with the pain of watching him move on.

 

I deal with starting over at 30, when I desperately want kids. I deal with how to tell potential dates about my background. I deal with having to date men who have baggage, ex-wives, kids, etc. Who are in their thirties and may never want to marry again, much less have kids (or another kid).

 

I have to live with myself. I deal with the insecurity of knowing what I've done. Of having a husband who would rather cut ties than be with me. Of being angry at my ex, but still blaming myself for everything that went wrong with our marriage.

 

Of knowing that I might never find someone who loves me enough to want to be with me. Who will be willing to look past my past and still offer me the gift of trust. Of wanting to establish a life and kids with me.

 

The loss of the city I live in. The loss of my past (I can't exactly go back to our old house next door to where his parents still live.) The loss of several locations and events. I can't take future dates to certain events because I know he'll be there.

 

It doesn't sound like much. But it's a thousand tiny things. And I know you experience all these same tiny things. But I feel like the BS has the opportunity to move on in a way their WS doesn't. Because it wasn't the BS's choices that caused this; the BS was not the bad person in the scenario.

 

It will always be a part of the WS's past, and no matter how far she moves past it, it's still always a part of who she is, along with all the guilt and pain and insecurity.

 

OP, in the case of the exes who act out, I think they do that to try to mask who they are, to try to make it easier to live with themselves. But it just compounds the injury, and when they have moments of true honesty with themselves, they know that. And the people around them usually figure it out, too, eventually.

 

To me, this type of karma is far more effective than the public shame and humiliation that you wish she would experience. It's not as obvious, and it doesn't feel as satisfying to you, but that doesn't make it any less real.

[Justanaverageguy]

Karma .... so basically you are expecting the universe to intervene and extract revenge on your behalf ? The referee watching from the sideline who intervenes to make things fair .... Is that about right ? How would it make your current situation any better or worse ? Frank Sinatra said it best when he said - The best revenge is massive success. Your happiness is not contingent on your ex wife being unhappy. So why bother concerning yourself with it. Concentrate on the important thing which is being successful and happy yourself.

 

Because news flash - Life is not fair. Bad **** happens to good people all the time. But the truth is that it is not what happens to us in life that defines us. It really doesn't matter at all what happened. What matters is simply - What are you going to do about it ?

 

For one man winning the lotto could end up being the worst thing that ever happens to him. It could alienate friends and family and lead him to a superficial life of greed and materialism. For another getting diagnosed with cancer could end up being the best thing that ever happened to them. They may find an inner strength from over coming such a great adversity and bring them closer to the ones they love in their life. The event itself does not determine whether the outcome is good or bad for those involved - it is what you decide to do after the event. So decide how you want your marriage break down to effect you - what you want it to mean and how this event effects your life going forward. Choose to concentrate on making it positive instead of worrying about your ex wife being unhappy.

[chew123]

I think waiting for the Karma bus is incredibly counterproductive. The goal, as the woman from the chumplady site says is to get to a state of "meh" where whether the cheaters life is fabulous or horrific makes no difference to us.

 

Tough to achieve but definitely a worthwhile goal. I need to be responsible for my own life, she is just "somebody that I used to know".

 

CD,

 

You sound like a cheater who has realized that the affair was counterproductive. And I believe you did ask for an open marriage before having the affair and in my mind that shows that you at least paused and gave your spouse a heads up before the affair. Though I rarely counsel people who have had affairs you do need to forgive yourself at this point . From what I read you have gone through the type of growth that is common with the bs. And you do deserve another chance to be happy.

 

And you are only 30. Don't feel like you need to rush to have a relationship or children. You really do have plenty of time. I wish you luck with your post divorce happiness.