That's it, we're completely done.

[kenmore]

Today marks the first day of mental freedom from my marriage. As of yesterday afternoon, none of my belongings are in her possession, and none of hers are in mine. Our joint taxes are still being prepared with an extension, but I can speak with the tax people directly. The divorce papers are filed and set on auto-divorce. We concluded our seven years of companionship with two terrible arguments, and there is no reason whatsoever that I can see to ever speak to her again.

 

It's sobering. Sometimes I hate sober, but it definitely feels different today than it had felt. I can't say I'm happy about it, but it's final, and I'm happy that if it had to end (and it did), it's finally doing so. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to go through this mental process of getting over her and us again. Hopefully I can finally set my mind on the future alone or with someone else and never have to revisit this one again.

 

Mentally I'm free! Legally I will be in a month or two. Emotionally? We'll see...

 

Ken

[LifeWasted]

Today marks the first day of mental freedom from my marriage. As of yesterday afternoon, none of my belongings are in her possession, and none of hers are in mine. Our joint taxes are still being prepared with an extension, but I can speak with the tax people directly. The divorce papers are filed and set on auto-divorce. We concluded our seven years of companionship with two terrible arguments, and there is no reason whatsoever that I can see to ever speak to her again.

 

It's sobering. Sometimes I hate sober, but it definitely feels different today than it had felt. I can't say I'm happy about it, but it's final, and I'm happy that if it had to end (and it did), it's finally doing so. Hopefully this will be the last time I have to go through this mental process of getting over her and us again. Hopefully I can finally set my mind on the future alone or with someone else and never have to revisit this one again.

 

Mentally I'm free! Legally I will be in a month or two. Emotionally? We'll see...

 

Ken

 

Good luck in your new future.

[tojaz]

There certainly is a certain amount of relief to have the battle over with so the healing can begin. It takes time,but rebuilding feels a whole lot better then tearing it down. Good luck to you.

 

TOJAZ

[ArtIsMyThing]

The fighting is only a part of each of you detaching from each other .. its part of the push pull push pull b/s emotions we go thru when detaching .. the next logical step is to just let communication slip away .. one of you will find a reason to contact the other in a few weeks and for just a moment you will be back on push pull and then detach and aghh its a viscious dayum cycle - you can get off it just by recognising what it really is - its detaching - go out and form an attachment with something else that you like to do - whatever your personal thing is - gee i hope i make sense.

 

Today i went and spent the day with my family watching kids play soccer - a little bit of me filled with love - a little place that was empty just got a little fill and each time i do something that means something to me - the emptiness gets something extra added and one day it will be full again - that day is coming quickly.

 

You're a few months behind me Ken but you can do this love - you really can. She is not a goddess - she is someone you loved - she is not an evil monster - she is someone who stopped loving - you will find the medium and the balance.

 

Hang in there love - one day at a time.

[kenmore]

Thanks you two!

 

Yes, building something new will be fun. I just hope it keeps moving in the right direction...but then don't we all?

[kenmore]

The fighting is only a part of each of you detaching from each other .. its part of the push pull push pull b/s emotions we go thru when detaching .. the next logical step is to just let communication slip away .. one of you will find a reason to contact the other in a few weeks and for just a moment you will be back on push pull and then detach and aghh its a viscious dayum cycle - you can get off it just by recognising what it really is - its detaching - go out and form an attachment with something else that you like to do - whatever your personal thing is - gee i hope i make sense.

 

Today i went and spent the day with my family watching kids play soccer - a little bit of me filled with love - a little place that was empty just got a little fill and each time i do something that means something to me - the emptiness gets something extra added and one day it will be full again - that day is coming quickly.

 

You're a few months behind me Ken but you can do this love - you really can. She is not a goddess - she is someone you loved - she is not an evil monster - she is someone who stopped loving - you will find the medium and the balance.

 

Hang in there love - one day at a time.

 

Thank you so much! I can see you have a heart of gold and use it well. You are speaking from a place I have not been in for a very long time. It's not that I did not feel love, I did; it's that your perspective is so different than anyone I have known for a long time and it's nice.

 

It's not the few months AIMT, it's a different world. I tell myself daily how she's just a woman I was unfortunate enough to fall in love with. How though obviously I found her very attractive both physically and emotionally, attractive enough to fall in love with on our very first date, she's not the end-all of women. No, she's not a monster either. She's just a woman and now she's a stranger that I know.

 

I allowed myself this weekend to "get over" this move. To re-balance as you say and take the time I need (Hell, I lost a whole week of work, may as well take two more days!) and start fresh on Monday. Also starting Monday, I intend to start forgetting her. Deleting her files from this computer, her number, her texts, everything!

 

No, she's no monster but at the moment she's a bad memory for me. I need to work on forgetting.

 

Sorry for rambling. It's getting late and the weekend is half over. I'll get a grip tomorrow afternoon so I can function well Monday. Hugs AIMT! You're sweet.

 

Love Ken

[ArtIsMyThing]

My perspective comes because i was forced to see the big picture. There's one thing i never said on here and i will never reveal the truth because i have to respect his right to privacy. When i found out, i was gutted. Shattered beyond belief. I never got off my bed for weeks - i lay here staring at the walls and questioning what the hell had ever been real. I texted him over and over and over again just begging for the truth - i got nothing - i got no truth and i got no closure.

 

So i had to see him as a little baby being born - and i watched him as a baby in my mind and he was so dayum cute. And i watched him become the little boy, out playing, out having fun, i watched the little boy run from fear. I watched him in my mind growing up and i watched him hideing from the fears i knew about. I watched him become a young man and i visualised the struggles he had and i watched him form his first relationship and then ours.

 

I watched his fear and his uncertainty. I watched him try so hard. Im now crying as i write this. But i watched his life with compassion i would apply to my own son or daughter, if this had of been there world.

 

I watched him sitting alone, calling the decision that he had to call and i felt the greatest compassion and love for him.

 

He shattered my world when i needed him the most, it was cruel. But he would have had to shatter it anyway - one day - it may as well have been that day.

 

He could have chosen a day other then my birthday but now that im 14 months down the line - i can see he just had to.

 

I watched him grow with compassion for him and although it shattered my world - i love him. I will never not love him. I will always love him. I will find a place in my heart where that love can be safe as i build a new world for myself.

 

I know that all sounds rather dramatic but hey - i'm an artist.

 

I can not hate him - i have over the time said some terribly rotten things about how he treated me but truth is - all he did was stop loving me and i dont even know if that is really true - maybe a part of him still loves me - it does not matter - he had to honour himself and for that i am very very proud of him.

 

He has seen to my every financial need. He just could not see to my emotional ones. I wish i had never begged and i wish i had not beat myself up so badly or beat him up verbally. But loosing love hurts and we respond as we do. I was also very sick mentally and physically and so i justify myself a little with that.

 

I try to see the whole picture when i paint, when my canvas is empty and i am ready to start a painting, i see the painting as a whole before i even commence.

 

I try to look at life like that too. I do believe in life after death and i believe we come here for an experience - a human journey. He is human and so am i and one way or the other - the journey will be taken.

 

I am 50 now - just turned 50 and my back is broken. I'm not the dating type - i'm the hermit type - I have self esteem issues because of my back and because of the knowledge of him that i know. I work on those self esteem issues by painting. None of us get out of this life unscarred but by just finding our thing and doing our thing - the journey is so much more fulfilling.

 

Gosh i speak alot of mumbo jumbo hahaha

 

But hey if you would like to see some art - you are welcome to private message me and if you have facebook i will tell you my private name.

[dreamingoftigers]

My perspective comes because i was forced to see the big picture. There's one thing i never said on here and i will never reveal the truth because i have to respect his right to privacy. When i found out, i was gutted. Shattered beyond belief. I never got off my bed for weeks - i lay here staring at the walls and questioning what the hell had ever been real. I texted him over and over and over again just begging for the truth - i got nothing - i got no truth and i got no closure.

 

So i had to see him as a little baby being born - and i watched him as a baby in my mind and he was so dayum cute. And i watched him become the little boy, out playing, out having fun, i watched the little boy run from fear. I watched him in my mind growing up and i watched him hideing from the fears i knew about. I watched him become a young man and i visualised the struggles he had and i watched him form his first relationship and then ours.

 

I watched his fear and his uncertainty. I watched him try so hard. Im now crying as i write this. But i watched his life with compassion i would apply to my own son or daughter, if this had of been there world.

 

I watched him sitting alone, calling the decision that he had to call and i felt the greatest compassion and love for him.

 

He shattered my world when i needed him the most, it was cruel. But he would have had to shatter it anyway - one day - it may as well have been that day.

 

He could have chosen a day other then my birthday but now that im 14 months down the line - i can see he just had to.

 

I watched him grow with compassion for him and although it shattered my world - i love him. I will never not love him. I will always love him. I will find a place in my heart where that love can be safe as i build a new world for myself.

 

I know that all sounds rather dramatic but hey - i'm an artist.

 

I can not hate him - i have over the time said some terribly rotten things about how he treated me but truth is - all he did was stop loving me and i dont even know if that is really true - maybe a part of him still loves me - it does not matter - he had to honour himself and for that i am very very proud of him.

 

He has seen to my every financial need. He just could not see to my emotional ones. I wish i had never begged and i wish i had not beat myself up so badly or beat him up verbally. But loosing love hurts and we respond as we do. I was also very sick mentally and physically and so i justify myself a little with that.

 

I try to see the whole picture when i paint, when my canvas is empty and i am ready to start a painting, i see the painting as a whole before i even commence.

 

I try to look at life like that too. I do believe in life after death and i believe we come here for an experience - a human journey. He is human and so am i and one way or the other - the journey will be taken.

 

I am 50 now - just turned 50 and my back is broken. I'm not the dating type - i'm the hermit type - I have self esteem issues because of my back and because of the knowledge of him that i know. I work on those self esteem issues by painting. None of us get out of this life unscarred but by just finding our thing and doing our thing - the journey is so much more fulfilling.

 

Gosh i speak alot of mumbo jumbo hahaha

 

But hey if you would like to see some art - you are welcome to private message me and if you have facebook i will tell you my private name.

 

Your feelings sound like mine.

 

I have a great deal of love and compassion for my husband.

 

But I am so frustrated and heartbroken over the way he has treated me and so very hurt. I had so much hope but I know that what we had was special and that he did at the very least love me once long ago very much before his addictions snacked on his brain.

 

I miss him. It's like he died and I am the only one that remembers who he was at all.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Your feelings sound like mine.

 

I have a great deal of love and compassion for my husband.

 

But I am so frustrated and heartbroken over the way he has treated me and so very hurt. I had so much hope but I know that what we had was special and that he did at the very least love me once long ago very much before his addictions snacked on his brain.

 

I miss him. It's like he died and I am the only one that remembers who he was at all.

 

Oh honey huge hugs to you - i am so sorry. What you had with him was special, it was beautiful and i am sure he loved you so much. Drugs are so hard, the minute there is an addiction, you are dealing with the drug and not the person. I am so sorry.

 

My husband did not have that problem. I have to be very careful in what i say because i find i can give up my personal identification so easily on here.

I will say that one i considered to be a son ended up with an addiction. The pain of watching the person slowly loose who he was - to who he became with the drug was horrendous. It went on for so many years and so much violence. In the end I was grateful to find his body dead. Grateful to bury his body. Grateful it was over. Then the love and the grief set in. Incredibly mind blowing pain.

 

I am sorry your world is touched with addiction. I dont believe there is any way to save a relationship when drugs are involved because the person you knew is no longer there - only occasional glimpses.

 

My love to you hon. I wish you healing.

[Lion Heart]

Ken, Art, dreaming,

 

What sad posts. SO sad.

 

We left the MC on Friday night in tears as the C was saying "it's so sad you two, so sad" over and over again. She had had to tell us both that she sees NO way forward in this relationship. None. I knew. Even after ALL his complaining about me, while I was crying, he just couldn't accept what the C was saying to him over and over again. It was horrible. Like euthanasing a dying marriage.

 

Chunks of me feels acceptance from time to time. My feelings have had to go into protection mode since D Day. I was telling WH that "time was running out". I could feel ANY love I'd had draining so fast, he was just so crazy since D Day. It's been heart breaking, devastating a family, losing ALL our shared dreams. I've never cried so much in my whole entire life.

 

And now? 2 days later? After me listening to WH for almost 4 months say that there's no hope? That I'm EVERYTHING evil under the sun? After I gave him everything I had?

So I felt less and less. Now I agree. He just interrupted me reading this thread will ALL these emotions, saying all these things I've said for months. He was sobbing so hard and I couldn't cry. I didn't even want to hug him.

 

OMG this is de ja vu. My exWH did the very same thing well after I'd left. For months and years. The bottom line is that you CAN'T abuse me and my children, YOUR children and expect NO consequences. You KNEW the consequences WELL in advance. WTF? What on EARTH did you expect?

 

It's just SO horrible.

 

Ofcourse I loved them both (at separate times ofcourse lol) but really? OW then you "love us"?? Sorry just doesn't compute in my mind AT ALL. NOT GOOD ENOUGH for me. NEVER good enough for my children.

 

Sorry I wandered off into "infidelity land" there but it's the pain and struggle of separating and divorcing a person you loved SO much to risk giving your heart and soul to.

 

Guys there's no easy way. No "happy" choices but on our journies after D, I really hope we can find ALOT of love, alot of happiness and much more peace than we had in our turbulent Ms.

 

Peace

Lion Heart.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Lionheart what is a WH please hon.

 

I never thought i would say this but my divorce day was so hard, when i awoke the next morning i was free, it was over. I have such peace in me - tomorrow morning i start a new painting. A field of flowers, the beauty of nature.

 

Inhale the future, exhale the past.

[Lion Heart]

Lionheart what is a WH please hon.

 

I never thought i would say this but my divorce day was so hard, when i awoke the next morning i was free, it was over. I have such peace in me - tomorrow morning i start a new painting. A field of flowers, the beauty of nature.

 

Inhale the future, exhale the past.

 

Sorry Art, WH = wayward husband.

A husband who was unfaithful during marriage.

D Day = Discovery Day

The day I found out about the affair.

 

PS: Snap I'm 50 this year too. I've also had a broken back.

PPS: Love the field of flowers painting already! X

LH

[ArtIsMyThing]

Oh thankyou love for explaining those to me - i see them on the boards and had no idea lol now i know.

 

Wow Lion - your worlds and mine collide - i am sorry for your spine

 

I dont know what to say to you about OW or WH or DD - it must have been very gut wrenching. My discovery was slightly different to yours but all discoveries hurt like a bugger.

 

I can say and i have said - the last year has been horrible as most are - but now that divorce has happened - i feel like a weight is off my shoulders - laid hope to rest and that was the most liberating experience.

 

I have a piece of artwork going in to a competition this week - it will be my first ever - very exciting

[scatterd]

I am so glad you are starting to come out of this hole. I can not understand why I cant pull out but looking forward to seeing it different. Your doing good:bunny:

[kenmore]

Thank you scatterd! You will too when you get that user out of your life once and for all, he's what's keeping you there. And you're doing great! You just need to stop getting that wound torn open every few days.

 

AIMT, thank you for your wonderful post. I have done what you said about understanding what makes my wife tick (no, I'm not as eloquent as you ) and I do understand much about what makes her make the decisions she does. Without going into her personal life too much, it has to do with the way she was raised, her particular perspective in a family with three other siblings and how she reacted then. It affected her whole life and what happened to us is a direct manifestation of those experiences.

 

But while I understand it and know she's reacting in an instinctual way, she has a brain and could have used it to reason a little and work with me a little too. Just Friday in one of her last texts she said and I quote "walk away from me as I am not strong enough to take care of anyone but myself. I'm damaged merchandise and I'm sure I will regret losing your love forever. I'm at peace with being alone." It is a mindset. She has made up her mind we are finished because of her inner demons and that's the way it's going to be. I was not asking her to "take care of me" and if I made a choice to stick with "damaged goods" that is a choice I would have taken gladly for my wife. So my anger stems not from who she is or her experiences, but rather the choice she made on my behalf without any concern for how I feel.

 

LH, sorry I had to laugh when AIMT asked what WH meant. I was more thown by MC at first. I was trying to figure out how a Master Card would make you cry! Then I got it.

 

Your story seems to mimic mine well. The emotional shutdown on their part. The blame. The door closing. It's good that you two tried counseling, at least it was an effort. It's good that he's feeling something outwardly. My wife "told me" she was crying her eyes out every night but I didn't know other than what she told me. I guess I believe her, no reason not to, but somehow it doesn't have the same impact. It's difficult to feel sorry for her though since she took such a strong stand and just proclaimed our marriage over. Since that was my position, I too have had to shut my feelings down, and it just wasn't happening. This week-long move with all its pain, exhaustion, emotional trauma and physical trauma was the liquid plumber I needed. It just unclogged that pipe and let my love flow right down the drain.

 

While I won't go so far as to hate her, she did bring joy to my life for years, at least I can start to not care. I refuse to try to see her side of this or empathize with her anymore. I have no idea if she empathized with me ever during this time, she probably did, but it sure as Hell made no difference in her actions. In my book, that's unforgivable.

 

Dot, I feel like the person I fell in love with is dead too. I tried to look at it that way and honestly it didn't help though. Dead is too good (I don't mean that quite how it sounds.) Dead would be something they didn't control. My first wife died and I can't blame her, it happened to her. This wife abandoned me. Big difference. The only thing I can say about dead here is that the person inside who fell in love with me died and left a shell where she was. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel the woman I fell for is no longer in that body. Yes, it is sad.

 

Ken

[dreamingoftigers]

I was more thown by MC at first. I was trying to figure out how a Master Card would make you cry! Then I got it.

 

Clearly you've never gotten a Master Card Statement.

 

Dot, I feel like the person I fell in love with is dead too. I tried to look at it that way and honestly it didn't help though. Dead is too good (I don't mean that quite how it sounds.) Dead would be something they didn't control. My first wife died and I can't blame her, it happened to her. This wife abandoned me. Big difference. The only thing I can say about dead here is that the person inside who fell in love with me died and left a shell where she was. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel the woman I fell for is no longer in that body. Yes, it is sad.

 

Ken

 

Mine was similar, but due to his adultery and his relative lack of remorse or willing to do the work to deal repair it, it was more like my husband was killed by this guy, and I was living with his killer. But his killer could bring him back so I tried to really negotiate with him for a long time before I realized, his killer was never going to bring him back. The new guy was going to do a bunch of stuff to destroy me too.

 

Kinda messed up. That's the only analogy I've got.

 

 

Or..... like our marriage was on life support on a hospital bed. And he would toy around with pulling the plug and I would try my damndest to keep it plugged it. It got to the point where, it would almost die, then get plugged back in again. Like a sick, twisted game. Finally, you get to the point where you say, "okay, you are never going to stop pulling that plug and putting it back in at the last second and even though the marriage is comatose, it's still cruel. And not only that, but I am losing my life to trying to keep it plugged in day after day. I don't believe in pulling the plug, but it has become a choice between being stuck in this room forever guarding it, or letting the marriage die and going back out into the sunlight.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I am so glad you are starting to come out of this hole. I can not understand why I cant pull out but looking forward to seeing it different. Your doing good:bunny:

 

You will love when you remove him from your world.

 

Once the detachment is over you will be a little powerhouse

[ArtIsMyThing]

Thank you scatterd! You will too when you get that user out of your life once and for all, he's what's keeping you there. And you're doing great! You just need to stop getting that wound torn open every few days.

 

AIMT, thank you for your wonderful post. I have done what you said about understanding what makes my wife tick (no, I'm not as eloquent as you ) and I do understand much about what makes her make the decisions she does. Without going into her personal life too much, it has to do with the way she was raised, her particular perspective in a family with three other siblings and how she reacted then. It affected her whole life and what happened to us is a direct manifestation of those experiences.

 

But while I understand it and know she's reacting in an instinctual way, she has a brain and could have used it to reason a little and work with me a little too. Just Friday in one of her last texts she said and I quote "walk away from me as I am not strong enough to take care of anyone but myself. I'm damaged merchandise and I'm sure I will regret losing your love forever. I'm at peace with being alone." It is a mindset. She has made up her mind we are finished because of her inner demons and that's the way it's going to be. I was not asking her to "take care of me" and if I made a choice to stick with "damaged goods" that is a choice I would have taken gladly for my wife. So my anger stems not from who she is or her experiences, but rather the choice she made on my behalf without any concern for how I feel.

 

LH, sorry I had to laugh when AIMT asked what WH meant. I was more thown by MC at first. I was trying to figure out how a Master Card would make you cry! Then I got it.

 

Your story seems to mimic mine well. The emotional shutdown on their part. The blame. The door closing. It's good that you two tried counseling, at least it was an effort. It's good that he's feeling something outwardly. My wife "told me" she was crying her eyes out every night but I didn't know other than what she told me. I guess I believe her, no reason not to, but somehow it doesn't have the same impact. It's difficult to feel sorry for her though since she took such a strong stand and just proclaimed our marriage over. Since that was my position, I too have had to shut my feelings down, and it just wasn't happening. This week-long move with all its pain, exhaustion, emotional trauma and physical trauma was the liquid plumber I needed. It just unclogged that pipe and let my love flow right down the drain.

 

While I won't go so far as to hate her, she did bring joy to my life for years, at least I can start to not care. I refuse to try to see her side of this or empathize with her anymore. I have no idea if she empathized with me ever during this time, she probably did, but it sure as Hell made no difference in her actions. In my book, that's unforgivable.

 

Dot, I feel like the person I fell in love with is dead too. I tried to look at it that way and honestly it didn't help though. Dead is too good (I don't mean that quite how it sounds.) Dead would be something they didn't control. My first wife died and I can't blame her, it happened to her. This wife abandoned me. Big difference. The only thing I can say about dead here is that the person inside who fell in love with me died and left a shell where she was. I don't know if that makes sense, but I feel the woman I fell for is no longer in that body. Yes, it is sad.

 

Ken

 

I know you're feeling of abandoned - i promise you i was there lol when this first happened i ended up underneath someones house - living under there house in a makeshift room. Oh i was so sick. I had a number of different diseases pushing at my heart and my sanity - i was a mess. I went from owning my own home to living under someones house in the blink of an eye. Abandoned was my now my first name hahaha not my middle name.

 

I should hate his guts for what he did to me and the condition he left me in but i cant. I can now 14 months later look back on it all with my rose coloured glasses and forgive and still the love the person he once used to be to me. Even though i say the man i married is gone, he is likely still the same man, just not too me

 

I never ever thought i would say this but he did me a favour.

 

I was so sick i was unable to step out of the house for near on 8 months and i can still see the day i stood there for 5 hours at my door trying to get out and i could not. I rang a psychiatrist. I had to have a family member come stay with me and then with their help i started to be able to go to the shop and id have to race straight back home.

 

2 of my health problems had taken out my ability to reason or understand anything, i was living in total fear land with up to 30 panic attacks a day. As my bloods got better and the things that were missing in my blood started to rise in their levels, the panic backed off but oh gee hon abandoned - id lay in that room texting him that i loved him. We would text back and fourth 20, 30, 40 times a day. I lived for his texts and i turned the hatred on me for getting so sick. If only i had not gone to that doctor, none of this would be happening. I'm not even sure i am making sense.

 

OMG i was so pathetic hahahahah but in my own defense i was very very sick.

 

Ken when i say i love him, i have to, i love him for all that we were together. I love him for the past. I cant look back on my life and hate someone that played a huge roll in my life.

 

I will always love him. If he came to my home now and tried to put us back together, i dont know what id do - give him a slap in the mouth or laugh at him or just smile sweetly and say no thankyou. I have no respect for the condition he left another human being in - he was going to do it to me anyway whether i was well or not, it was going to happen. I respect and love the man i once knew - i am now detached from a future with him.

 

Divorce was the final peace i needed.

 

I'm empty inside, i said that before, i have been thru too much. In part of what went wrong with my body and my hormones, and then with the abandonment. I went into suicide mode. My specialist wanted me to go into hospital but i declined and between the family member who came to stay with me and myself, we got thru it. Then i swung the opposite way after a few months and went back into crazyville and i got thru it. I doubt i would be alive if it wasnt for that family member.

 

My bloods have been good for about maybe 8 weeks now. Its finally over for me. Out of the 14 months apart - 12 months of it was a living medical hell that i should have died in.

 

Well I am still standing. I am now able to look at it all as he did me a favour. I have gotten to see what an incredibly strong woman i am and i have gotten to see what an amasing forgiving person i am. I have a very very good heart.

 

Sorry i am raving, i do that to express what is inside.

 

I like to compare myself to Vincent van Gogh - hahaha the art that has come out of me with all of this i never even knew was within me. I had no idea how capable an artist i was. He did me a favour.

 

But i would never have said that until the morning after divorce. Id never have said any of this until that morning when i woke up and i was free.

 

I am now so future orientated - i have faced death - i have face insanity - done the divorce - got myself a neat home. I friggen rock Its art all the way.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I did do one final text to him - it said 'i would not have done what you did to a dog, no one does that to another human being'

 

I never want to hear or see from him again. I love him yes. Do i hate him, no. Do i respect who he is now, no.

 

I am compassionate and forgiving by nature, i could never be with someone who shows such cruelty to another person.

 

I would rather just paint

[Lion Heart]

I did do one final text to him - it said 'i would not have done what you did to a dog, no one does that to another human being'

 

I never want to hear or see from him again. I love him yes. Do i hate him, no. Do i respect who he is now, no.

 

I am compassionate and forgiving by nature, i could never be with someone who shows such cruelty to another person.

 

I would rather just paint

 

It's funny, I say "I would just rather watch the grass grow". I'm a gardener and it's more than grass I love watching grow.

 

Yeah I think I'd rather also have an MC than an MC!

At $185/hr an MC is cheaper! Lol.

 

It's hard to laugh, actually I don't laugh at all much atm.

First day at work today after 2 weeks holidays.

Took 3 of my kids on a road trip. It was nice. Sad too but nice to get away, sort of, from the problems at home.

 

Ripping this family apart is ripping my heart and soul out.

WH (that's the wayward type of H) said I don't have a GOOD choice to make.

 

Better go. Work today. Good luck with your painting Art.

Lion Heart.

[kenmore]

I did do one final text to him - it said 'i would not have done what you did to a dog, no one does that to another human being'

 

I never want to hear or see from him again. I love him yes. Do i hate him, no. Do i respect who he is now, no.

 

I am compassionate and forgiving by nature, i could never be with someone who shows such cruelty to another person.

 

I would rather just paint

 

Yeah, we had one final text round today as well, but ours was more like "do you know where the remote is?" and I said "no, it wasn't in the drawer, I hope it's not in the couch."

 

Okay, maybe it isn't as deep as yours, but it does have some meaning! Especially since the couch is in my storage unit behind stacks of heavy boxes and a lawnmower!

 

Seriously though, AIMT, reading what you wrote, I can see how you feel the way you do, and Bless you for it! I have to say this though, your last post belies your previous post a little, but we're all forgiven an occasional transgression.

 

I'll be honest here and say that when I was moving, tired and angry, I felt it was so over I never want to talk to her again and I still feel that way, but the thought has crossed my mind more than once that she'll be back someday. I know she will. Knowing something like that has to make one wonder how they would react. I mean, don't you ever wonder how you would react if you woke up to a burglar in your home or if a truck three cars ahead on a freeway suddenly turned sideways and started flipping? People ask themselves how they would react so they can be better prepared for it when it comes. I can honestly say right now that I don't know how I would react. First it would depend on how far in the future we're talking. If it was next month, I'd deem her crazy, and this move still weighs on my mind. In five maybe seven years if I'm still alone, I might go out with her and hear her out. I really couldn't say. At least I know that and admit it now, though things would have to be very different. Probably no marriage.

 

DOT, I understand. The people we fell in love with are just not the same. I don't know about you, but my wife is not the same in all aspects of her life, it's not just me. I had actually questioned her sanity a few times (not out loud, but in my own mind) and wondered if something is happening to her brain. That's probably fancy, but she sure is different.

 

I like your life support analogy, but it does not apply in our case at all. It seems fitting for yours. In our case, the wife cut the cord (in more ways than one in her mind) and perhaps that's the best analogy of our ending.

 

LH, it's best not to laugh much at atm's, people will think you're ripping them off!

 

Stop making 50 sound so old, you're talking to a 54 year old! Hugs!!

 

Ken

[Bohonia]

Mentally you wrote this post so maybe not quite there yet, but kudos to you for taking the steps to change your life for the better

[Lion Heart]

Sorry Ken!

Didn't intend to make 50 sound "old" because I don't feel old AT ALL! In fact I'm not sure what the whole deal is about turning 50. Just a milestone I guess.

I just came back from a surfing, swimming, farming road trip and although I'm exhausted, it's not because of that, nor my age. Just the "war of attrition" that my M is atm.

54 is young too.

Lion Heart.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Posts will always (whatever word you said Ken) each other hahaha its just expressings thoughts and how i got to them - how i got to where i am at. And how its received.

 

I wish i had never sent that final text - we all regret the things we do - but i could not have coped with a do you know where the remote control is text.

 

Today i have varnished and i have such a headache - ive just been laying here thinking about life and taking responsibility for my own life.

 

It's kind of lonely. Its good that way i guess - no one to hiss at me for the smell of varnish.

 

I wish i had the kids I miss them all so much.

 

Thats the hardest part in all of this - is letting go off the life you used to know. At this time of the night i would be cooking dinner for 6 - now it is just me.

 

I am feeling that today - feeling that loss.

[kenmore]

Thank you Bohonia! I'm sure I'm not there yet, but I appreciate your kudos!

 

LH, still don't know what ATM is. I thought it was "after the marriage", but not sure that fits with your last post. Really not trying to give you a hard time. Maybe someone needs to pin a post about abbreviations...or did they and I failed to look?

 

Wow, you are active! Just reading that made me tired. Just surfing would make me tired lol. I'm glad you are taking life by the horns and enjoying it! Yes, 50 is just a milestone. Just last year (or month?) you were in your forties. It's no big deal. I still get compliments on my looks, feel active and make sure I get enough exercise. Right now, what's making me feel low is my own subconscious. I "caught" myself today thinking poorly about myself just because I was rejected by my wife. I have self confidence when I employ it, but if I'm not on top of myself, I sometimes feel less than worthy now, and it sucks! I will slowly let that confidence work its way into my subconscious again so I can find myself wondering how I will beat off all the wonderful women who are attracted to me, then catch myself with that!

 

AIMT, seriously though, don't do that with the varnish, it's so bad for you!

 

It sounded like you needed someone who cares to nag you a little That said, really, don't do that! Make sure you have good ventilation! I really do care!

 

Yeah, I have regret texts. I had some regret phone calls but really she beat me to it and pounded me even before I said what was on my mind and felt misunderstood, so though I regret those, they were not my fault. My biggest regrets were the arguments we had while together. Sometimes we would have been drinking, but not always. They almost always began for the same reason, her dissatisfaction with my lack of good employment. Then I would get upset because she hit a nerve, and we would argue, sometimes loudly. Ugly sh*t! Trust me, the remote text was welcome!

 

At least I apologized for what I said to her this last time during our convo (not the remote convo, I will never apologize for that!...the one where I laid into her about her upbringing.) It was one of the last things I said to her and I'm glad I didn't leave it so ugly. nonetheless, it was said and can't be unsaid.

 

Ken