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I have been torn to pieces. My wife has filed for divorce this Tuesday. It has been working its way to that point after I noticed the texts and phone calls to a "friend".

 

18 months ago we separated for 6 weeks. I was unemployed and watching our daughter. She was working an EMT job. She didnt think I listened to her and would rather be on my PC ignoring her. She began talking to a guy at work that listened. She ended up having an affair. When she told me she was leaving she insisted there was no one else. Two days after she moved out she slept with one of my "friends" and had another short relationship. The guy she left me for informed her that now she was free he didnt want a relationship but just a f*** buddy. After working through some things she decided to come back. She did not tell me about my friend as she thought it would be better to not cause an issue. She then lost the EMT job when she shattered her wrist and now was resentful she lost a career she loved.

 

6 months in I found out about my friend, but kept it quiet until she asked if she could go help at a two week activity with him. I told her no and when pushed I told her why and what I knew. She thought I was being unreasonable and nothing would happen. I did not want there even to be a chance. She also had another guy friend from downstate that would only flirt and say inappropriate things to a married woman. I confronted her and she said she made it clear but couldnt keep him from saying or thinking anything. All this did was bring up the previous affair and caused a strain.

 

This October she thought she might be pregnant. She was the one that told me she didnt want kids, then decided to have our daughter, but after was always saying no way no more kids, etc. So I decided one was enough and was happy with the decision. Lets say I was a little freaked. Where will we put them, can we afford it, etc. After a bit of conversing, I decided that if she really wanted to we could do it. She wasnt pregnant, but we decided to go for her yearly and discuss it with the Gyno.

 

At this point she finds out she may have cervical cancer and the idea of another kid is pretty much out. This devastated her and she felt I was not there to support her. During this time we began to play an Online Game. We talked with some cool people. She ended up giving her cell out to a few people and she began texting with another guy from the game. He is a teacher with three kids - He is 55, kids are 26,24 and 19. Game messages and texts began to ramp up. After Valentines Day and her first surgical procedure, in which she says I was not compassionate enough, the phone calls began. She would go to bed first and call, I would leave for work and she would call. She sent a message about how she may have fallen for him. He sent money, she changed her account passwords, etc. This went on for about three weeks until I came across a lingerie ad that she sent him. The banter back and forth didnt seem innocent, so I checked our Cell Bill and that when I noticed everything. I confronted her and she said it was just friendship and nothing really more. I pressed and she did say there could be more. I tried to ask her to cut it off but she only responded by opening another email, downloading a texting app I couldnt see, etc. She said she stopped but I noticed the texts on her phone and also the calls on our home phone.

 

After three weeks of fighting, he scheduled a lawyer appointment and drove 4 hours to meet for the first time in person and make sure she went. He also brought her another cell phone. I caught her the next day at his hotel. She swore nothing was happening (she couldnt due to the surgery) and they were just talking. We argued and she then told me I pushed the issue and the papers would be wrote up.

 

I have tried the stupid pushing, pleading, and begging. I am done with that and am looking to begin the approaches of not "caring" and let her come to the right decision. My family and most friends tell me to just take my daughter and run away from the situation. I am still deeply in love and I want to keep my family together. Im just at a loss. I have told her I am going to work to be the custodial parent as I am the one who puts my daughter down for bed, takes her to school, helps with her homework, reads to her, and cooks her dinner. That was the first time I got a real reaction.

 

What should I do?

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She is desperately trying to leave you. So I would consult a lawyer and have as quick and amicable divorce as possible.

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GorillaTheater

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

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DivorcedDad123

1. Lawyer up.

2. Formally answer her petition with your own. Include the infidelities and name the people involved.

3. Request the marital home and custody and child support.

4.Request all of your legal fees be paid by her.

5.Request that she maintain a life insurance account for herself,at least equal to the amount she would pay in child support until your daughter reaches adulthood.

6.Include that you're the primary caregiver to the child.

7.Give your attorney all of the evidence of infidelty you have.(Keep copies for yourself if you ever need to change lawyers)

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Thank you for some support. The biggest issue is I still care so deeply. Im guessing it also makes me naive. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow, so I will be making sure I protect both my daughter and myself.

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You'll have to condition yourself to not care about her anymore. She's enemy #1 now. It's good you'll meet a lawyer, protect yourself and your daughter as good as you can. You won't help her with her move, you won't be more than formal with her, you let the lawyer deal with things.

 

Are you employed somewhere by now?

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Friskyone4u

I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow, so I will be making sure I protect both my daughter and myself.

 

his is the only important thing right now. Your wife is a serial cheater and it is past the point of her stopping. Stop telling her anything except what time you are handing her the divorce papers.

 

You cannot "nice her back". and everytime you plead, beg, or tell her how much you want her to stay with you does nothing but hand her more power.

She has done what she has done because she got away with it each time with no real consequences. That has to change.

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Thank you for some support. The biggest issue is I still care so deeply. Im guessing it also makes me naive. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow, so I will be making sure I protect both my daughter and myself.

 

It is hard to stop yourself from caring when you've loved someone for so long. It hurts, I know.

 

My advice, besides that already stated - protect yourself, take care of yourself and your child, talk to a lawyer, etc. - is that every time you think of her, remind yourself that SHE chose to walk away, to lie, to cheat and to treat you badly. Ask yourself: Why would you want someone who would treat you like that? Why would you want someone who decides you are not #1 on her list? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

 

Whatever you did (aside from cheating in your own right, abuse, or outright neglect), it does not justify her actions. She is walking away. The best option for you is to let her, then do everything you can to care for yourself and your child, and work on building a new and better life.

 

I wish you luck, and I hope you keep posting. It will help!

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The biggest issue is I still care so deeply.

 

Esraem, what would she have to do to make you not care :confused: ???

 

She's broken her marriage vows

She's lied to you

She's cheated on you emotionally

She's cheated on you physically

She's further demeaned you by sleeping with your friend

She's filed for divorce from you

 

Consider yourself fortunate, there's no ambiguity about the state of your relationship. She'd have to stab you in the heart to escalate any further.

 

Take care of yourself and your family. When the dust settles, live well, that's the best revenge. And keep posting, lots of good advice here...

 

Mr. Lucky

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gorilla your post is awesome wish I would've followed that when I went thru my thing..

 

 

anyways op you need to take control of the situation and become the driver instead of passenger. I know it hurts, it hurts like heck, but you cannot force her to stay with you, besides why would you want to force her if she doesn't want you anymore.

 

 

Take control even though it hurts and keep your pride, dignity and self respect. Cry in the dark and don't let her see.

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You'll have to condition yourself to not care about her anymore. She's enemy #1 now. It's good you'll meet a lawyer, protect yourself and your daughter as good as you can. You won't help her with her move, you won't be more than formal with her, you let the lawyer deal with things.

 

Are you employed somewhere by now?

 

yes I got a job two weeks into the first separation. When she came back it was only about 2 weeks when she got hurt and she hasnt worked since. She has done some substituting at our daughters school, but not more than a day here and there. Thats the thing she doesnt have a job. She stated her mom helped with the filing of the divorce, but I more think it was the OM. There also is another friend from the game that sent her, her credit card info with a $6000 limit.

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You'll have to condition yourself to not care about her anymore. She's enemy #1 now. It's good you'll meet a lawyer, protect yourself and your daughter as good as you can. You won't help her with her move, you won't be more than formal with her, you let the lawyer deal with things.

 

Are you employed somewhere by now?

 

So sorry your in this situation. Your wife sounds like a bit of a mess right now, and as much as you care, you have to let her go.

 

The begging and pleading doesn't help.

 

I hate to say this, but are you 100% certain your daughter is yours?

You can't be sure how many times she's cheated on you.

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I would be lying if I didnt think about that before. If my daughter didnt have some similarities to me.

 

Now, I dont believe she ever did until 18 months ago, but there were a few times where it could happen. She always found it easy to make friends with guys and I should have seen the signs 6 months into our marriage when we were at the neighbor's, who she would hang out with when I was at work and would rather not come home with me but stay and hang with the group.

 

She has now thrown that in my face that I never trusted her and I always thought she was having an affair with any guy she talked to.

 

I will also admit during this dark time I have used google to track her whereabouts (Android) and also search history. This is how I verified the OM was in the area. I have decided to do the 180 and see what happens.

 

I have noticed in the last two days she has been more initiating. Since I have gone out with family the last two nights.

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I would be lying if I didnt think about that before. If my daughter didnt have some similarities to me.

 

Now, I dont believe she ever did until 18 months ago, but there were a few times where it could happen. She always found it easy to make friends with guys and I should have seen the signs 6 months into our marriage when we were at the neighbor's, who she would hang out with when I was at work and would rather not come home with me but stay and hang with the group.

 

She has now thrown that in my face that I never trusted her and I always thought she was having an affair with any guy she talked to.

 

I will also admit during this dark time I have used google to track her whereabouts (Android) and also search history. This is how I verified the OM was in the area. I have decided to do the 180 and see what happens.

 

I have noticed in the last two days she has been more initiating. Since I have gone out with family the last two nights.

 

Initiating what?

 

Even people who aren't related have similarities. She's proven that she's a cheater and not just once. It's better to know for sure now, than find out years down the line. A DNA test is easy and simple.

 

I heard of a situation where this man's son had an accident while away at college. He rushed to the hospital as it was very serious. Through blood tests required, it turns out the son wasn't his. To make matters worse, his wife passed away some years earlier. He had no clue who the biological father could be.

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By initiating, I mean conversation. As for the paternity, yes you are correct. Even before the current issues I had thought about getting one from a Walgreens, if they werent so damn expensive. Kind of hard to hide a $70 purchase when money is tight. Im also not sure if I would want to know fully, I love my daughter to much.

 

To give a little more insight on my wife. She comes from a broken home in which both her father and mother (mostly) had extra marital affairs, swinging, etc. She even walked in on it. They, her brother, sister, and herself, were taken by CPS and put with her grandparents. She looks like her mom, so she got the short end of the stick while growing up.

 

She never had a strong father figure in her life. Her grandpa died only a couple of years after they got there. I have a suspicion that she is still looking for that even though her dad has been back in the picture since we have been together. That may be why the two main affairs have been with a guy in his mid 40s and the recent one that is older than her dad.

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DivorcedDad123

Ask about the judges in your jurisdiction. How do they normally rule when dad tries to get custody if it goes to court? Are the judges dad friendly?

ASk the atty if they also do appeals.

Of course,the normal charges,but ask them how much they charge for their time in court. It's usually more than the hourly rate.

How much do they charge for subpoenas? In case you need to subpoena someone, you'll have an idea.

Do they charge travel time?

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Mr. Goodguy

Esraem,

 

I feel you right now I am in the same situation. That place of hurt shock and disbelief. I almost feels like your in a dream at times and you are floating through the day. When you realize that you have become insignificant in there lives and that another man has filled the void. This other then losing someone has to be one of the hardest things to endure. I write whats going on in a journal and I make sure that I read what she is doing and I train myself to feel a little less for her. Its not easy or may not seem healthy but when someone has done what our spouses have its mean they are weak. To not have the guts to tell us they are not happy but tell someone else means they dont understand truth and loyalty and to not have that they do not deserve to be in your circumference at all. When I look at my wife and the guys she has had an affair with I say to myself "you all are beneath me because that is not how you treat people. You sound like a good guy you deserve someone that sees that. Sounds like neither one of our Wives deserved us. And that Post by Gorilla Theater. Copy post somewhere you can read it every day. Its is strong. Dont allow her to have control and hurt you anymore. Let her go and pity her that she is so selfish and really dumb. I read your post and I know you are going to be alright. And I am not just saying that you are going to be great when you come out on the otherside and you know why you realize after this nothing will ever shock you again and that alone gives you a strength most people will never ever have. You are growing from this our wives are not they are doing the same selfish thing they always have and that wont change until something shakes them to their core. Revinvent your life. This is a new chapter, ask yourself everyday how much higher can I go? Also think about this you now have a cheater out of your life that is the other guys problem, you should feel a weight lifted off you and will get better as you move farther away from this. I am at the beginning. Let me know if I can be of any help.

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I would not have guessed a message board could help so much. All of my close friends are either never married or married, so they have not been able to see it and how it feels. You are right I do feel alone, broken, and lost. It would be so much easier without my daughter as I could just walk away and not have anything to bring us together.

 

What also hurts is that she is still lying to me. She could just tell me the full truth about the OM and her plans. It would be much easier to come to grips with. I should have let her go 18 mths ago, but dammit I love my family and I dont want it torn apart.

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Mr. Goodguy

Hey Buddy,

 

I know that the lying is the hard part. My wife got the separation moving by saying she has been with me since she was 18 and she just wants to see what its like to be independent. She said that I am not leaving you for anyone. This is about me standing on my own. She told me and my sons that she was moving in with a girlfriend that I know. The first night out of the house she didnt go to the friends or the second. She went there on the third night. This past Monday was 4 weeks since she moved out of the house. She has stayed with her friend one night. So the lying can be crushing. You have to remember this is not about you its them. Not your fault and there is nothing you can do. Hold your daughter tighter then ever and when the opportunity arises be as real with her as you think she can handle.

She wont forget it.

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She's done everything she can to destroy the marriage. Why are you still holding on? Keep your self respect and divorce and move on.

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Oh I feel that. 18 months ago was exactly the same thing with us. It was we were together from when she was 19 and she never had the chance to be on her own. Didnt get to do the early 20's thing like I did. I was 23 when we started dating. We were married before her 20th Birthday. I know last time my daughter took it hard. My wife asked if she could pick our daughter up from school to spend a little time with her and I said sure. She got there and my daughter was like I would rather go home. She was 5 at the time.

 

I can also tell she feels it now. She put a picture of my wife and I on her ipod and said that she did it so we would be together. :(

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She's done everything she can to destroy the marriage. Why are you still holding on? Keep your self respect and divorce and move on.

 

I am really trying hard to work that exact thing in my head. Maybe it is as stupid as I dont want to fail or be a statistic. Maybe its the fear of being alone (She was my first GF/Partner).

 

She has been playing games as well. Take today. Last night she looked at her wedding set (still wearing it) and noticed the guard was cracking. She had me take it in to get it fixed and re-plated. She then was like "We need to be more careful with it and keep an eye on it". WTH? It is little comments like this that confuses the hell out of me. She began the paperwork on Good Friday. We go to my grandmas for Easter. My gma had a piece of art made with all the grandkids names and birthdays on it. She was genuinely upset she was not included.

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I can't see any reason to have her ring fixed.

 

Instead of fixing it I'd consider asking the jeweler to buy it from you.

Hey, even if they offer $50 that's money you can use to divorce her.

 

IF she wants the ring that badly - she can pay to have it fixed...do not pick it up for her. I'm surprised you took it in to them. She has some nerve. Why didn't you say no way!?

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Mr. Goodguy

She is playing games bro. She knows just enough to keep you wondering you have to figure out how to let her know that you are moving on. I am having the same issue. Its hard this person was your best friend but now you have to look at her as the enemy. I wouldn't do anything else with that ring other then sell it. Start playing by new rules or its going to get worse. My wife is getting served today or Monday. I know she is telling her new guy that there is no way that I would divorce he she is going to have to do it. She has no idea its coming. New rules.

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