I Deeply Miss My Husband

[dreamingoftigers]

The way that my life and relationship has gone has been very hard to swallow as of late.

 

Last update was that he and I were separating.

 

That was very back and forth for a bit. He injured his back quite badly (two discs) and was in a lot of pain.

 

The doctor gave him percs and he got really really happy. Wanted his family. Started being consistent with lots of things with us, it looked really very promising. 2.5 months later we went on a trip up to Edmonton.

 

He stopped taking the percs and wasn't quite as happy. We were also under a lot of financial stress. For ten days we had an okay time. Daughter watched a lot of Treehouse TV LOL. Then he got upset one morning and called me an "effing B" in front of our daughter. And I just said "your calling me that in front of her?" And he said, "yeah, you're being one."

 

And left. He left us in Edmonton on the day we were all supposed to go to the waterpark. So I took her to the waterpark myself. We had a good time. She still talks about it and Galaxyland. I got my tire fixed on my car and went back to Calgary. He didn't come home until after New Year's with an apology saying "he didn't realize what day it was."

 

So I don't miss all of that. A lot of his over-reactions and blow-ups and just NOT BEING THERE consistently I don't miss that. And that's been the bulk of the relationship over the last year. I don't miss that at all. I can't even describe the physiological stress and cloudiness that causes. My God, the pain. The deep, ridiculous unending pain that crap causes.

 

Meanwhile, I got a book entitled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Whereas I didn't agree with everything the author had to say, some of the things about the frameworks "two different realities" and such really rang true. There were things I would do as well that are abusive. He started the process to get into DV and marital counseling.

 

Meanwhile. I stopped taking as much crap from him. I just did. And we started reading the book together. Things, of course, seemed to be getting better again. Then he went back up to Edmonton for a week. He was hanging around this family for a bit and they seemed very nice. Then he suddenly cut contact with them and it turned out he had been drinking up there as well. He stalled on the MC, so they told him basically, "set a date or we close the file." No date was set. Nothing else happened.

 

He had another drinking episode. I asked him to get help. He didn't. In fact, he left and has been gone since.

 

He still throws me out breadcrumbs saying that he wants to work on things and get treatment. But he isn't around.

 

T asked me a few days ago, 'is Daddy not around anymore because he doesn't love me anymore?" F WORD!

 

He has seen her twice the whole month of March. One time was for a couple of days.

 

I think that he is either on drugs, in an affair, living with buddies or just in severe pain and avoiding everything.

 

All of this stuff, I do not miss. Everything else is moving forward but I don't want to be specific about that right now.

 

What I do miss is the way that he used to look at me, the hugs we used to have and the way he would laugh and smile when he was happy.

 

I miss the places we used to go to together, having dogs together, watching our child play and be happy together, going on dates and just holding hands.

 

I miss getting nice cards from him. I miss having him to share my "here's what happened today" stuff. I miss getting texts in the middle of the day from him. I miss lots of stuff.

 

That's the part that's hard to get over. Going from having someone you love and cherish that you can't wait to see and share things with to knowing that that they don't really want you around in favor of whatever they are into now. And you sit here, alone, realizing that the single greatest investment you made in the future of your life amounted to a load of heartache.

 

Which is not likely to change.

I tried changing lots of stuff and getting him the help he needs. But he doesn't seem to want to care about himself to actually help himself. If he is sober for two or three weeks it's like he says, "see it was the relationship that was the problem. Without it, I am sober. No problem. Without the relationship I stay focused and happier and make friends and stuff." Even though often he is not sober when he leaves here.

 

I suppose he can stay sober if he has no responsibility to anyone. There is almost no stress if you can just live without any obligation, right?

 

Like, if I would leave my kid behind and crash on someone's couch. Or have a brand new relationship right off the bat with someone who hadn't experienced any heartache from me, I could feel pretty damn motivated to stay sober for awhile and just do whatever I wanted.

 

But I can't because I chose to have a daughter and a family. I knew those choices involved not seeking strange or stealing meds or drinking. I knew that those choices demanded a base level of behaviour. Which I also struggle with. I am online a lot. I don't take care of my health the way that I should and I do not spend enough time with my daughter. But I just can't quite understand being willing and able to leave behind a relationship of ten years and take no real responsibility for it all.

 

Not just say "oh I take responsibility for it." But be there for my kid consistently, reassuring her that I would always be there for her and supporting her, not just hoping my wife would take care of it all. And not just screwing over my wife either. Yeah, sure the situation is crappy, but it is crappy for everyone.

 

IDK. I don't get all of this. It isn't rational in the least and I am rambling. Because of the stupid grief. It's been a real long time of him saying that he cares and then doing the exact same stuff that ripped us apart in the first place. I need to find something to look forward to. I just don't have anything right now to look forward to. I am so scared of the future right now and how screwed up my daughter will be from losing her Dad in such a messed up way. I mean I know he isn't all "lost" yet. But he is currently treating her the same way that he treated me, like Plan C or D. Instead of getting up thinking, "What can I do to make T's day better?" It's like, " oh yeah, I guess I better let my family know that I might be home some day. I should text them to let them know I am still alive."

 

I wake up everyday thinking about what I can do to make T's day better. And my day. I just end up giving up on making my day better. It just reminds me that I have no one to share it with. Not sharing sucks.

 

I would ask about even his day, but he's not here. He doesn't want me to "make his day better." I doubt he thinks much about me at all. Too busy doing whatever the new, exciting thing is. Old wife, old life.

[jay1983]

This is so sad, I couldn't read past fourth paragraph.

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

[KBarletta]

That's the part that's hard to get over. Going from having someone you love and cherish that you can't wait to see and share things with to knowing that that they don't really want you around in favor of whatever they are into now. And you sit here, alone, realizing that the single greatest investment you made in the future of your life amounted to a load of heartache.

 

DoT, I can totally relate. I am feeling the same. Though I am the left-behind husband and my STBX wife seems to be having a great time without me, I still miss sharing the little things. Any time something small like that comes up and I look around at the emptiness around me, it's another little stab of pain.

 

I can say, though, that it WILL get better. And it won't last forever. You need to feel this pain, let it happen, move through it at your own pace, and you WILL come out the other side of all of this with a smile on your face, some wisdom and a determination that your life will be better in the future.

 

Trust me. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and your child. And you will be OK. Keep posting.

[KBarletta]

Incidentally, I was talking to a divorced friend of mine the other day. He has been divorced for nearly 20 years and knows what I am going through.

 

He said to me: "It is going to suck for about a year. Then, you'll wake up one day and realize you are happier than you have ever been. Or at least it will feel that way. And you will realize that everything that happened led you to this day. And you'll be better."

[kenmore]

I miss the places we used to go to together, having dogs together, watching our child play and be happy together, going on dates and just holding hands.

 

I miss getting nice cards from him. I miss having him to share my "here's what happened today" stuff. I miss getting texts in the middle of the day from him. I miss lots of stuff.

 

That's the part that's hard to get over. Going from having someone you love and cherish that you can't wait to see and share things with to knowing that that they don't really want you around in favor of whatever they are into now. And you sit here, alone, realizing that the single greatest investment you made in the future of your life amounted to a load of heartache.

 

Hey dot, that is a very sad post and deep inside I feel the same way. Obviously our details are different, but the general philosophy is identical. I have been working very hard to make myself feel that it doesn't matter. To move on and get it through my thick skull that my wife just does not want to be with me anymore, and if not, why should I care? Now marks nine months being apart and it has taken me this long to build up this much resistance, but I know in the center of my heart, I can't unfeel.

 

We had our fights. I'm sure I got out of line too many times, but so did she. She usually started the fights which makes sense since she is the unhappy one. I don't miss those and I'm sure neither does she. I do miss those things you mentioned though. The texts, which almost always ended with an xoxo, stopped containing that. Then they stopped altogether. She would come home, sit in a chair by the kitchen and unload about her day while I cooked. I know she loved that and so did I. I assume she misses it now, but sometimes I doubt she misses anything. I miss it though.

 

Leading up to this week, we had been completely NC for about a month. We both signed papers to make our divorce a rubber stamp. There was no reason to talk other than the fact that my things are still in her house, so I knew for weeks that would be the only real reason to talk. We saw each other yesterday, and though we did a little catching up, I told her that I will be getting a storage unit next week and moving my things out. Now we have agreed that on the 13th (next Mon), she will leave me a key and that will be that. After that, there will not be any reason for us to talk again...ever. There will be no court date, we'll just receive notices in the mail that we'll be divorced on a specific date. It's as cold as it can be.

 

It's odd that I believe I may never speak to her again, but there is no reason to anymore, ever. As difficult as getting divorced is emotionally, especially when we don't want to be, I'll still miss it. Yeah, I'll even miss the fights.

 

I too am sorry you are having to go through this. I hope you can find some peace soon. Hugs!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

He said to me: "It is going to suck for about a year. Then, you'll wake up one day and realize you are happier than you have ever been. Or at least it will feel that way. And you will realize that everything that happened led you to this day. And you'll be better."

 

While that is an uplifting thought, it seems like he was not happy being married. Since I was, I can't imagine why I would be happier than I have ever been a year or even twenty from now. Other than meeting someone new who makes me feel that way!

[dreamingoftigers]

Ugh. I really don't want to be single for a year either.

 

Not that singleness is an issue.

 

But being a single Mom is to me.

It just is. I am so depressed right now.

I just . ****. I just feel so crappy right now.

 

I actually thought he would choose to go and get help. I actually believed that in my heart. I feel so stupid. I really thought he would up and go, "Oh hey, you've really been holding things together through all of this BS and avoidance and I realize now that it totally wasn't fair to you. So I am actually doing the things that need to get done so we can all move past this and be a happy, healthy family."

 

Instead he just keeps feeding me the sort of "oh yeah, someday" lines.

 

UGH. That's the WORST.

You know what's sad? That's how I know it's actually over.

Because usually he's like, "no eff you. I don't want to be with you anymore." Then a week later he's home.

 

Now it's like, "sure I'm coming home." Then he doesn't. UGH. I hate passive-aggressive crap. All it does is keep me like an "option" should he change his mind. Once the novelty of whatever wears off.

 

UGH> My self-esteem has just taken such a beating.

 

Like I will never have a real family now.

[dreamingoftigers]

Like it's a life sentence now.

 

Going from being "married" and having my husband here to now, without much choice or anything that I get, I now get sentenced with "divorce" or "permanent separation."

 

Even if I got together with someone in the future, it would be T's stepfather, not father.

 

I mean, she just lost a tooth which was super-cute. Just a cute little baby tooth. And now, that moment, would have been awesome to share with my husband. He was great about little moments. She also got her first Sparks badges in the last week. And has been reading long "Es."

 

A stepfather wouldn't care so much about that. Except in the " oh well that's nice for you and your kid, you're a good Mom" sense. But not like a vested interest. :(

 

It's like I am the only one who has any feelings about this happening. It's so damn lonely. :(

[lgspot]

dot, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't think this one has anything to do with you or DD.

Has he had many disappearances?

Sounds as though his moods and actions are very erratic?

Not to get too personal--has he had any history of drugs?

I wish you the best.

Blessings

Edited April 4, 2015 by lgspot

[dreamingoftigers]

dot, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't think this one has anything to do with you are DD.

Has he had many disappearances? YES

Sounds as though his moods and actions are very erratic? YES

Not to get too personal--has he had any history of drugs? YES, awhile ago though

I wish you the best.

Blessings

 

Yes, I honestly suspect he is bipolar or just BPD/with ADD/ADHD.

 

But then I would sound like every other poster on here that got dumped.

 

Yes, he has issues, he knows he has issues, he knows that I know that he had issues. I have issues too. Mine are more the, "I am going to eat cookies and cry because my husband has issues that he won't deal with. And I am going to hide from having a life with these cookies which aren't going to last long because if I go out and have a life, it will mean that I gave up on my marriage and gave up on any hope of my husband getting better. And I will feel responsible for abandoning the guy that has already been abandoned by every other woman that was in his life before me even though he's abandoning me and T and I have an abandonment trigger. So I'm glad these cookies are chocolate because oatmeal wouldn't quite cut it today."

 

His biological mother disappeared too. Apparently she even disappeared for seven years and her mother thought she was dead.

 

I hope my daughter didn't inherit that. I can't stand the thought of her disappearing for days or weeks at a time as a teen and ending up in unfortunate circumstances.

 

The whole world just seems scarier today. Ugh.

[whichwayisup]

You have a real family, just not a traditional one.

 

I feel for what you're going through, and your daughter too.

[dreamingoftigers]

You have a real family, just not a traditional one.

 

I feel for what you're going through, and your daughter too.

 

I have been doing this for years.

 

I must be retarded.

 

In the PC way of course.

[dreamingoftigers]

You have a real family, just not a traditional one.

 

I feel for what you're going through, and your daughter too.

 

The traditional one was my biggest, most important dream.

 

The only dreams I had that were attainable:

 

Have a real family.

Have my own home one day (not going to happen off of one income in this city pffft)

Go to U of C for Neuroscience. Probably not going to happen either with this financial trainwreck that I have now.

He isn't sending me enough to support us even basically. My church has been helping out. And that's ending soon. He sent me $130 in March.

 

He sent me $45 so far in April but $15 of that went to bank fees.

[whichwayisup]

I have been doing this for years.

 

I must be retarded.

 

In the PC way of course.

 

Nah, not retarded. Just in love and you have a hopeful/faithful forgiving heart. HE messed this up, he's the retard here. (PC of course too )

[lgspot]

Like it's a life sentence now.

 

Going from being "married" and having my husband here to now, without much choice or anything that I get, I now get sentenced with "divorce" or "permanent separation."

 

Even if I got together with someone in the future, it would be T's stepfather, not father.

 

I mean, she just lost a tooth which was super-cute. Just a cute little baby tooth. And now, that moment, would have been awesome to share with my husband. He was great about little moments. She also got her first Sparks badges in the last week. And has been reading long "Es."

 

A stepfather wouldn't care so much about that. Except in the " oh well that's nice for you and your kid, you're a good Mom" sense. But not like a vested interest. :(

 

It's like I am the only one who has any feelings about this happening. It's so damn lonely. :(

You might be surprised how much many stepfathers care.

My stepdaughter just got married. I walked her down the aisle-not her father. Her choice!

When the father heard, he chose not to even come.

When he b*tched about me walking her, SD's words, "Guess he's gonna miss the wedding."

Wedding came off without a hitch and was beautiful.

Point I'm trying to make---many stepparents care as much as a parent.

If it comes down to it, your daughter might even help you pick your next guy.

[lgspot]

I'm just sorry for all you have been going through and wanted to point out you do have options.

You and your daughter are still family whether he is there or not.

It sounds like to me he is taking a drug vacation.

I'm sorry.

Blessings

[dreamingoftigers]

You might be surprised how much many stepfathers care.

My stepdaughter just got married. I walked her down the aisle-not her father. Her choice!

When the father heard, he chose not to even come.

When he b*tched about me walking her, SD's words, "Guess he's gonna miss the wedding."

Wedding came off without a hitch and was beautiful.

Point I'm trying to make---many stepparents care as much as a parent.

If it comes down to it, your daughter might even help you pick your next guy.

 

I know that so many people think "oh you're going to change your mind" but I really don't want a next guy.

 

Deep down I just don't

 

More than family issues etc etc etc

 

I just don't want to risk pain like this again. This has been the single worst way things could have gone. So awful. For years now.

 

I just don't want to risk having a partner that can suddenly change and refuse to commit and consistenly self-manage so as not to drink/disappear/blowup/berate.

 

The porn addiction he had just made me feel like I could never really give myself to anyone that way again. It's just so worthless in today's society.

 

I honestly don't know why he, or any men get married anymore. I know that's my depression talking. But it feels real for the moment.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dammit this had to be the week that they are selling Girl Guide cookies too.

 

I am going to end up owing them a case.

[lgspot]

It is real.

Its happening to you and I'm sorry.

It will get better.

[lgspot]

Girl Scout cookies.

See there is a bright side!!!

Thin mints.

Edited April 4, 2015 by lgspot

[darkmoon]

he changed, he is not the guy you knew, that chapter is over, you need to make plans for a new phase, throw a few ideas around

[dreamingoftigers]

Girl Scout cookies.

See there is a bright side!!!

Thin mints.

 

Chocolate& Vanilla

[Mrlonelyone]

FWIW I am so sorry to hear that you have to put up with this nonsense. While for the sake of keeping a family together I hope that you can somehow work through this.

 

I have seen long married couples work through worse things. Unless I've missed something and he does not hit you or the kid could their be some hope?

[dreamingoftigers]

FWIW I am so sorry to hear that you have to put up with this nonsense. While for the sake of keeping a family together I hope that you can somehow work through this.

 

I have seen long married couples work through worse things. Unless I've missed something and he does not hit you or the kid could their be some hope?

 

Erm. No he does not hit me/T. I have been trying to work it out with him for six years. He is interested in bits and pieces but seems to feel attacked whenever his behaviour is addressed. It's like he can't divorce his destructive behaviour from his identity being attacked. I can relate to this as I had the same issue when I was younger due to PTSD/BPD. It is quite painful actually. I believe that going to the brain clinic (was trying to arrange this before I turned broke, and possibly some EMDR could significantly improve the quality of his life whether we were together or not.

 

I do know that at the core, he is, well, wonderful. Practically an ideal man and mate. But the addictions he has are what he has been keeping company with for 6+ years have eaten away at him and our marital conflicts resulting from that have not exactly given him boatloads of hope. But generally when one realizes that one is in a gigantic pit, they stop digging.

 

I have been depressed a lot since I first found out about his online escapades.

I believe that he has tremendous guilt about a lot of that. But not that he wanted to fix everything. He just doesn't seem to want to fix it all. Something along the lines of "if I lived healthily, I might be unhappy, at least this way I know what makes me feel good." Ironic, no?

 

 

He's an addict. He is not getting help and living out of his car (supposedly).

 

It's gotten nothing but worse over the last six years. To the point where he is now not showing up for T, who is now five. And misses him very much.

 

He just turned 37.

To be frank I am not sure if he will live even another five years.

[TigerCub]

DoT,

 

I'm so sorry for all that man has put you through.

It actually pains me to imagine what it's like to walk in your shoes.

 

You have always shown that you're a smart and caring woman and you deserve so much better.

 

You're so strong - you have dealt with so much stuff that I would have walked out on from the getgo and I truly do believe it is your dedication and your selflessness and strength that is so amazing.

 

I know you miss those special things - those sweet things that meant that you mattered to him, those sweet things that you shared, and I completely understand that - but in your post you listed so many more painful things he has dumped on you.

 

It's normal and ok to miss the good things, but you have to remind yourself that those things don't happen that often and they haven't happened in a long time.

 

And don't blame yourself for the lack of it now - he's an addict, he has his own demons and his own screwed up priorities. You've stood by him when a lot of other women would have walked, you tried your best to bring out the good and put up with the crap, but at the end of the day, it's all his poor choices that's doing this now.

 

And I know that just because it's more his fault - that doesn't take away the pain you feel, I get that and it's sad.

 

You sound like a great mom, even if you say that you're not with T as much as you should be - you still think 'how can I give her a great day?!' - you're a great mom and I hope that knowledge helps make your day a little better.

 

I don't have a solution, just a big HUG

 

I feel for you, and I have such admiration for your strength, you deserve so much better DoT.

 

**HUGS**