Bomb dropped. Losing my best friend.

[LurkingThanks]

Hi everyone.

 

First post on here. Never thought I'd be visiting a forum like this, but here I am.

 

My wife of 23 months (dated for 6 years - known for 15 years) moved out in February saying she needed space and to figure out why she isn't happy. I begged her not to do so, but realized begging was not going to accomplish anything so I let her go.

 

Rewind to the first of the year, and she looked at me and said "you're my best friend, but our marriage needs help". I agreed that we could some tweaking, but nothing was dire.

 

With that, we went to two sessions of counseling and it was a disaster. The MC was a little too old school for us and gave suggestions that we could have come up with on our own.

 

From that point on, we starting having arguments about us. She said I don't inspire her. She's disapointed in me that my company hasn't launched yet (we have plenty of money so there are zero money issues.). She also made a comment that she wishes her next partner will be well traveled and athletic (I'm a long distance cyclist and started going back to the gym - I guess that doesn't count?). She's also hurt that I told her I had plans for her to join the company once it gets off the ground, but nothing is happening yet.

 

Anyway, she got a place up the street from my building. I try not to pester her but we do speak sometimes and have seen one another a few times. She even said that I look really good which made me happy.

 

During these meetings, she always is guarded, but after a few minutes we're joking and laughing like we always do. Last meeting was on Friday night where we went for pizza. We had a great night and I kissed her (she didn't back away, but said she didn't lean in - huh?).

 

So two nights ago, she told me she's ready for a divorce. We told one another we miss each other. She said she's lonely, but still doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. I'm floored with this news. Haven't eaten in over a day. Haven't gone to the gym. Have been sporadically crying. I'm a wreck. I can't picture life without my love.

 

As we were talking about the divorce, she said this may be a mistake and she may be an idiot for wanting this divorce to start.

 

I love to help her out as much as I can, and foolishly told her I'll go to the courthouse to get the paperwork. Well, yesterday I walked in and broke down. The people there must have thought I was unstable or drunk, but the kind woman told me that I should let her file if she wants this divorce. I agreed since I look at this as an enabling action.

 

Whew, ok. Now I'm a little teary eyed again.

 

Is this the right thing to do by telling her to file? I don't want this divorce, and want my wife back. I want a fresh start to our marriage. I do realize that I may have to let her go, though, and that kills me. My family adores her. Her family loves me. We have such great banter and chemistry. I want her back in my arms.

 

Thanks for reading this.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, it generally makes sense for the person who wants the divorce most, to file.

[KBarletta]

Welcome, LT. I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

I can tell you that your story is not an uncommon one, and in fact you and I have quite a bit in common in our stories. Other than the timing, and the fact that we have a child, our stories could be the same.

 

My wife left several months ago and offered very similar reasons to yours. It's the hardest thing in the world to let go, but the fact is that if that is what they want, the best choice for you to make is to let them. Begging and pleading is going to get you nowhere, and continuing to hang around while she tries out a new life would allow you to act as an emotional crutch for her while she heals and gets over you and you are stuck in limbo.

 

I also can totally relate to you not wanting to file for divorce. I am in the same boat. My wife asked me a few weeks ago to file the papers, even though she is the one who left and she is the one who wants the divorce (I still don't). I have done as she asked, though, and gotten the papers together. Honestly, it felt good to take control of the situation. I haven't filed yet, but I will soon. Your case sounds very similar. If you feel strongly about it, you could tell her to do it herself. That wouldn't be unreasonable. However, if you file first, you may feel more control, which helped me a little bit. You can kind of set the terms and the pace of the proceedings at the outset, which is a bit better than being the respondent, in my opinion.

 

That being said, you are only a month or two into this, and your marriage is still in the early stages. You didn't find the right MC for you, maybe you should give that one more shot? It also sounds to me like your wife has some GIGS or similar doubts about her life that she might work out in individual counseling. If I were in your shoes I might try one last-ditch effort at MC and IC for you and your wife before throwing in the towel. What do you have to lose?

 

I wish you the best of luck, and keep posting. It really does help.

 

KTB

[Mint Sauce]

sorry to hear about your pain.

 

The unavoidable question is (and it proves to be the most pertinent in at least 90% of such stories): any indications she's seeing someone else?

 

Hang in there, it may get even tougher, but you'll come out alive and kicking.

[LurkingThanks]

Thanks so far for the responses.

 

There's no other guy. I have to believe her on that.

 

She said she "thinks she's ready for a divorce". I may be in serious denial, but I don't think she's even sure of this herself. She mentioned that she knows I'm hurting as much as she is and it's not fair to me.

 

If this was anyone else, I'd have filed the second I heard this news, but something is keeping me from doing so. That's why I want her to file. It'll make it more final for us, I guess.

[KBarletta]

Thanks so far for the responses.

 

There's no other guy. I have to believe her on that.

 

She said she "thinks she's ready for a divorce". I may be in serious denial, but I don't think she's even sure of this herself. She mentioned that she knows I'm hurting as much as she is and it's not fair to me.

 

If this was anyone else, I'd have filed the second I heard this news, but something is keeping me from doing so. That's why I want her to file. It'll make it more final for us, I guess.

 

It sounds as if neither of you is quite sure if this is the right decision. It would be a shame to ditch this marriage with such unresolved issues and questions. Is one more shot at MC an option? It may end up that it provides more clarity and you both decide that D is the right decision. Or not. But at least you will then be able to proceed knowing that you're doing the right thing for both of you. MC isn't always to save the marriage, but to provide an environment where you can address your issues and figure out what the best step is. Filing for D may be it. Or maybe not. But it doesn't sound like either of you is sure.

[LoveMyCat]

She says there is no other man...but there is at least the idea of one. Maybe she is not acting on it, but I would be willing to bet there is someone who caused her to tell you about the man she hopes to be with next...by the way, a horrible, hurtful thing to say, no matter how "nice" she was when she said it. Can you imagine telling her the same?? I think she has met or seen a man who seems to have the qualities she thinks would make her happy.

 

She seems to be jumping to divorce rather quickly, again regardless of her seeming hesitation. Divorce is a huge step. I have been separated for months now and the word has not yet come up, though it will sooner or later.

 

She is not being honest with you, in my opinion.

[coryreply]

It sounds as if neither of you is quite sure if this is the right decision. It would be a shame to ditch this marriage with such unresolved issues and questions. Is one more shot at MC an option? It may end up that it provides more clarity and you both decide that D is the right decision. Or not. But at least you will then be able to proceed knowing that you're doing the right thing for both of you. MC isn't always to save the marriage, but to provide an environment where you can address your issues and figure out what the best step is. Filing for D may be it. Or maybe not. But it doesn't sound like either of you is sure.

 

This is good, solid advice friend. It takes many people more than one shot to find the right counselor. If you brought up trying counseling one more time before pursuing divorce, what do you think she would say? Do you think her mind is already made up?

 

Divorce is a horrible thing, bro. I'm praying you and your wife can avoid it by working through whatever issues are there and then moving forward in a healthy way. Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

If this was anyone else, I'd have filed the second I heard this news, but something is keeping me from doing so. That's why I want her to file. It'll make it more final for us, I guess.

 

Since the one that cares less has the most power, some "left behind" spouses find it empowering to eventually file as it can be a small measure of taking back some control. Until and unless you feel that way, you're perfectly within your rights to sit on your thumbs and see what happens.

 

In the meantime, you might consider the 180 approach:

 

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

4. Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don't ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don't buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don't schedule dates together.

 

10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…with out them!

 

17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.

 

Mr. Lucky

[LifeNomad]

Please do what Mr lucky posted above and stick to it, no more crying begging pleading or asking to work it out. Shes already told you she wants divorce and your going to irritate her if you bug her about it. If she has her mind set on it, its gonna happen. Give her time to breathe and anaylyze the situation ,if theres a possibility of her wanting to try it will come to her when your out of the picture, she needs to see what its like and see if its what she really wants.

 

 

Let her do it, be strong and prepare yourself for the rollercoaster, I would say prepare for divorce, expect for the worse but hope for the best.

 

 

A lot of the people have gone thru it, I did too, 13 yr relationship, 3 kids. It hurts at first, and it gets easier over time.

 

 

Embrace it, see it as a positive change, u might not understand it now but will later, in the meantime prepare mentally, whatever you do DO NOT DRINK! do not get drunk, do not binge on alcohol or anything else, it will make things worse.

 

 

Exercise! if yuou don't already, start exercising, daily, eat better start looking good, if you can get some new clothes, you have to change, even if its just to the grocery store look good, look fresh, smell good, stop wearing those old basketball shorts or whatever you might wear, anything that you feel comfortable wearing around her change it. You gotta be a different person, you gotta be reborn!

 

 

Good luck man I came to this forum almost a year ago when I started my breakdown process and it helps getting feedback from others.

[coryreply]

I don't know, luck. From what we know so far, it feels too soon for 180 to me.

 

What if her "I want a divorce lingo" was just a cry for help? I don't think she knows what she wants. They've been married for 23 months. There's been no sign of infidelity, right OP?

[LurkingThanks]

Thanks for that list.

 

I tried doing the NC thing. Can go a few days then I break, but she also texts me as well. It's like we are naturally drawn to contact one another.

 

I told her years ago in a conversation that if we were ever to get married and ended up getting a divorce, I'd not want to see or talk to her again if there was no reason.

 

On Friday after dinner, she said she really likes living by herself and her perfect world would be us to stay married but live in separate places.

 

I asked her if she thinks we should proceed with a divorce and she said no because she was afraid of us never seeing or speaking to one another ever again. I shouldn't have said that years ago, but it was just a conversation.

[KBarletta]

On Friday after dinner, she said she really likes living by herself and her perfect world would be us to stay married but live in separate places.

 

This is a setup that works for some people, including some friends of mine. Maybe it would work for you. If you want to save your marriage, it might be worth considering if you can afford it and you trust each other.

[Satu]

Don't sign this contract:

 

She will have all the advantages of being in a relationship without any of the responsibilities.

 

You will have all the responsibilities without any of the advantages.

 

****************************************************

 

Try again to fix your marriage.

 

If it is beyond repair, restructure your life, so that it is good to live without her.

 

Good luck.

[LurkingThanks]

This is a setup that works for some people, including some friends of mine. Maybe it would work for you. If you want to save your marriage, it might be worth considering if you can afford it and you trust each other.

 

I wouldn't be keen on this idea for the long term. Our rents are over 3k/month each (gotta love Jersey). I did tell her that I'd gladly live in a 2 bed, but as of now, she's really not wanting to hear that.

[LurkingThanks]

Don't sign this contract:

 

She will have all the advantages of being in a relationship without any of the responsibilities.

 

You will have all the responsibilities without any of the advantages.

 

****************************************************

 

Try again to fix your marriage.

 

If it is beyond repair, restructure your life, so that it is good to live without her.

 

Good luck.

 

I think she likes living alone now because she has little responsibility.

 

I'm trying my hardest to fix it without being a totally overbearing douche. I think there is some sort of chance if she hasn't demanded we stop all contact.

[LoveMyCat]

She wants it all...but no responsibility. Live apart, be friends, etc...but does she intend to remain faithful? Is she now? I have my doubts.

 

My husband and I split some months ago, before Christmas. No infidelity, no fighting, no screaming...all very civil. I find I like living alone. But I also know I have no intention of reconciling. Too many things would have to be different and I know that can't be and that I can't even ask or expect anyone to change completely, just because his ways no longer suit me. I knew who he was when we married.

 

You have to decide what is right for you. Most people want to live with their spouse and not settle for less. It is up to you what you can tolerate.

[LurkingThanks]

I honestly believe she is faithful.

 

What would have to be different? My wife said she feels like she's twisting me into a pretzel for the changes. I don't see it that way. I see it as a marriage evolving. Now, if I feel like I'm losing my identity or prose, then I'd tell her so.

 

I asked for her to adjust a few things as well. She did on some and didn't on others. It's all about compromise.

[bubbaganoosh]

Sounds like someone sitting on the fence just watching the day go by and your the one being twisted in the wind.

 

If it's me, I give her the papers. Sign them right in front of her, hand them to her, wish her luck and leave. Don't turn around or respond to any phone calls or texts. It will be a hard thing to do but one that is necessary to get her to move off of square one.

 

What she's doing is burning the candle at both ends and your paying the price for it. She either wants the marriage or she doesn't and when she finds herself without a life line and reality hitting her in the face then if she decides to want to be married to you then it's going to have to be her actions and not just words that you have to see.

 

As long as you keep playing life guard for her, the longer this will go on so stop playing her game and force her hand.

[oldshirt]

I'm with Bubba, if you leave it in her court and let her call the shots, she will have you sitting on the shelf waiting for her for years. She will be out dating and partying and screwing other guys while you sit patiently at home and then she will show up on your doorstep wanting to cry on your shoulder and eat ice cream when she's had a bad day or feeling down.

-

Fck that.

 

 

Give her two options - all in or all out.

 

 

She either commits to staying married and devotes herself 100% to working on the issues and remaining in a full-service marriage or she is all out and you divorce as quickly and cleanly as possible so you can move on with your life.

 

 

You call the shots. You put her feet to the fire and if she diddlefcks around and tries to do this limbo dance, you hand her the papers and move on with your life and leave her wishy-washy self behind.

 

 

All in or all out. Nothing in between and no concessions or compromises. She commits fully to working on the marriage with 100% sincerity or she's on the street.

 

 

It's 180 time. It's time to make a stand and stand up for yourself and take charge of your own life and your own destiny. You may not wish for a divorce but it is at least making a determination of your own future and at least setting your own course.

[LifeWasted]

Go over to her apartment late one Friday or Saturday night without calling beforehand.

 

I guarantee you will find her with her other man.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks so far for the responses.

 

There's no other guy. I have to believe her on that.

 

She said she "thinks she's ready for a divorce". I may be in serious denial, but I don't think she's even sure of this herself. She mentioned that she knows I'm hurting as much as she is and it's not fair to me.

 

If this was anyone else, I'd have filed the second I heard this news, but something is keeping me from doing so. That's why I want her to file. It'll make it more final for us, I guess.

 

Wow, 2 marriage counseling sessions and she's ready to give up? Why not find another marriage counselor? Also she isn't understanding that when one starts a new business it can take more than a year to get going and to make money. She sounds impatient, immature and certainly seems like one who wants to bail out on the first signs of trouble. She's already thinking of what her 'next' husband will be about. That's pretty shi.tty and mean of her to actually say that to you.

 

You love her but she doesn't seem to love you or respect you.

 

Sorry to say this as I know you're hurting but don't fight for someone who is wanting to give up the marriage so quickly. She lost her attraction towards you which means the glue between you two (on her side) isn't as deep as yours is for her.

 

Let her file but DO talk to a lawyer, protect yourself.

[LurkingThanks]

I don't really know if she loves me at this point. I don't understand why she couldn't just confront me about what was bothering her instead of confiding in her mother.

 

I wrote a letter (yeah, I know) and will give it to her tomorrow then I have to shut off even though I want us to work for a future together.

[GorillaTheater]

I wrote a letter (yeah, I know) and will give it to her tomorrow then I have to shut off even though I want us to work for a future together.

 

You willing to let us critique said letter prior to giving it to her? Anything beyond short and to the point is going to almost certainly be a bad idea.

[KBarletta]

You willing to let us critique said letter prior to giving it to her? Anything beyond short and to the point is going to almost certainly be a bad idea.

 

I tend to agree with GT that short and direct is best in this (and almost every) case.

 

Usually I would advocate NC, but I think your case is a bit different than most. Considering the uncertainty on both of your parts and the fact that you tried MC but left abruptly, I do think it is worth reaching out to your wife and attempting to get back to MC and work things out. However, your best bet is to let her know very simply and succinctly that you want to do this, and then leave the ball in her court. Don't overstate your case, don't pester, don't beg, don't be whiny, or needy, or overly sentimental. Just state your case, let her know where you stand, then back off completely. That's my $0.02.

 

KTB