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I am relieved that my divorce is over. In fact, it finished just in time for me to drastically pick up the pace at work and have a positive review-- which I sorely needed. I doubled and then quadrupled my production, phew!

 

Some things are working well, but some stuff bugs me:

 

If my ex works the night shift on one of his parenting days, he plans to get our child in the middle of the night from his (ex's) mother's house, drive him across town, and have him sleep the second half of the night at his (ex's) house on those nights.

 

That is, unless ex feels that we are getting along well enough so that he can call me up and ask me if I'd rather have our son on those nights. (It's on-call work, so, unpredictable.) He's made it pretty clear that if he's upset with me, I won't have that option and I can just wonder whether he's having our toddler sleep half at one house and half at another.

 

 

I don't worry too much about annoying parenting differences, bad nutrition or too much tv at his dad's or whatever. But the midnight sleep transfer seems like a pretty big deal.

 

My ex also likes to randomly stop by my house, and I think he's trying to make sure I'm not dating. If I ask him to stop the surprise visits, he'll make the same implicit threat about our son. He never comes out and says it's tit for tat, but it's obvious.

 

One time he said that his place was no longer safe for our child because of one of the roommates' children. He asked if he could stay in my spare room during his days with our son. I asked what his other options were, and he said that he'd try to figure something out, but would not just have our child stay with me without ex until ex could find a safe place. In other words, unless I let them both stay with me, my child would be in some unsafe or some other unknown situation. He also reminded me that he felt very vulnerable in telling me that his place wasn't safe, and that he would not let me know those things in future unless he "trusts" me. (Yeah, he doesn't mean "trusts" me to take care of our child. He means, trusts me to go for the solution he wants, and to never ask for sole custody based on him lacking a safe place for his kid.) It's insidious because if I'd dragged him into court, he'd have quickly found some "safe" but temporary place for our child and besides, the divorce is very new.

 

I feel manipulated. The only way to not be manipulated is to shrug and say, "If you're going to mistreat your own son, go for it, I call your bluff." But I hate the risk. Maybe if our son could talk more, or could have a cellphone with GPS, I'd be bolder about calling my ex on it.

 

Or maybe, for a toddler, being moved across town in the middle of the night when with daddy is not as bad as having a mom who's letting herself be manipulated by her ex. But if it isn't the midnight transfer, my ex may come up with something else. I want to protect my child. But I also want to protect the long-term security and sanity of my household, for my child. I don't know what is the right thing to do.

 

Forgive the frazzled writing. I've been working so many extra hours, often while parenting or after baby's in bed-- I'm a zombie.

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I would follow the parenting time schedule to the letter and dramatically cut down on the conversations. Another thing you might want to try is Our Family Wizard or some other co-parenting program. Tell him that you hadn’t realized how much there was to keep track of and that because of work you need to keep everything about child in a special place. I’ve found that people who use OFW or the like change their entire way of communicating and a huge amount of the manipulation and other crap disappears.

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Great report about x 4 production at work, and assessment review. Way to go, Jkrabbt, Esq. However, now I say double tome that, period. Career, career, career. Your single household family depends on it - forward march.

 

As for Dad, sorry about that, LC all the way. The gaming and manipulation must run off your back like a duck. You made a determination of wanting Dad in son's life, and you have what you want and need.

 

You only need to set and apply boundaries, ok? Examples:

 

1. Dad says "his place might pose a danger, can he have his "son time at your place?"

 

TRANSLATION: "I want to be in your territory and snoop around. I want to continue to invade your life. Maybe I could even find evidence in your home to get custody modified. I want to control your life and be in your space."

 

YOUR RESPONSE: Try to correct that problem. No, I'm not comfortable with you being in my home - we are divorced." If that nice approach doesn't work, try this: NO!

 

2. He says, I'm sharing a secret with you, and if you give me up, I'll never trust you again."

 

TRANSLATION: He is really telling you"I am giving you alarming information, and if you open your mouth, you never know what might happen." This is emotional blackmail, and probably gaslighting. He is probably making it up, it seems vague.

 

YOUR RESPONSE: If dad (or anyone, for that matter) suggests to you there is a child in danger or an alarming situation, do what you would normally do - contact someone. Since he is probably "jacking" you around, I'd say contact your attorney.

 

IMPLICATIONS OF DOING NOTHING: Should the story be true, and something happens to your son, how would you feel? Since you had prior knowledge of a veiled threat of the potential situation, it would be a fair question for a Child Protective Services to ask you: Why didn't you do or say anything? Why did you stay silent?

 

3. You feel manipulated. That is because you are allowing yourself to be manipulated. He comes to your house unannounced because you tolerate it. In fact, you've arranged for his pick up and drop off of son, somehow, to involve being at your door step.

 

SOLUTION. Don't have any contact with the manipulator other than in writing, or VM (where you have a recording). Tell him, in writing he is not to come to your home again, period. Pick up and drop off should be at a neutral location, a public place, like Walmart parking lot.

 

4. On Dad's days, baby is taking mid-night cruizes, staying at other relatives homes, such as Grandma's, etc.

 

NEW PERSPECTIVE CHANGE. Dad's time is Dad's time. Thank your lucky stars he got himself a dang job! That is forward movement and a good example for a future role model for your son. A baby gets up a times of the night. It won't harm the baby to wake up and go back to sleep in the car, take a drive, and sleep in the next day. Big deal - not your problem.

 

As far as giving baby over to Grandma here and there, so what? Grandma is part of the extended family - it takes a community to raise a child. Let her give her special love on the baby also -- unless she is unstable is some sort of way.

 

COUNTERARGUMENT. When you find this sort of fault, the same can be attributed to your care of baby from the other's perspective. For instance, you might leave the baby with strangers in daycare. Or, you are not fully aware of what goes on at home, because you work from home, and something might happen when you are fully engaged on the computer.

 

Or, should you begin dating, your date might happen to meet your baby, or be at your home at the same time as your "baby time." Dad could argue it is too soon for you to bring in new suitors when a baby is there, and needs 24 hour supervision.

 

See my point? Don't even go there. Dad is so strange, he probably is already serveilling you, in some ways. Make all arrangements necessary where Dad will have absolutely no business to be anywhere in your area of town, especially your apartment complex. THAT boundary will take care of most of the problems you listed.

 

5. Dad trying to make a "pack" with you. He will tell you certain things, IF you show him TRUST and empathy, by extension, your son's safety. BS. Pure manipulation. Wants to stay in your life.

 

RESPONSE. This is most important, Jkrbbit, Esq. Remember, Dad is not your friend. I am sorry to remind you of this fact, but the history speaks for itself, just read back on your posts. Dad was ready to take SOLE CUSTODY of your son. Don't ever forget that.

 

Other than these suggestions, I would wish these sort of statements you are reporting had been on tape.

 

Hope this helps, Yas

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Well is there anything in the parenting plan that restricts travel at certain hours, no. Do you like it, no. Is there anything can do about it, YES! You can have increaced contact with ex, let ex know how easy it is to push your buttons, then could cough up cash for legal entanglements that can't be resolved by law. Unless the child is overt danger, simply have to deal with things not being your ideal. After all, don't think you wanted parenting plans and such...yet here it bloody is.

 

Anyhow...safe place can be really subjective. I could raise issue that city my ex lives in isn't a safe environment and I'm in a much better place. Could raise any issue wanted with people place and things. Ultimately, I think the best things for my child...is whatever I think they are.....only thats not a reality I have control of.

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I never heard of Our Family Wizard-- that sounds like a great tool for this situation.

 

Yas, you're right, it's the work that matters. It can be easy to forget that working, and keeping the job, is an important part of being a parent.

 

It's also easy to feel manipulated if I don't set clear boundaries. Often he'll try to trick or cajole some result that is actually the same thing I'd want to do anyway. Getting a clear idea of what I want to say yes and no to will help me a lot. Even if there is no clear question asked.

 

He wants to be good friends forever, as he told me the other day. He thinks we solved all our personal problems by getting a divorce, and that we can just be friends now and not think about it. As a matter of fact, that's what I originally wanted out of the divorce. I know a few divorced couples who are good friends, and it seems ideal.

 

But now that goal seems a little too good to be true. It's the fact that, during the divorce, he filed for sole custody with no reason for doing so besides maybe punishment or tactical reasons. I guess I trust him when times are rosy, but when the chips go down, he's likely to be a loose cannon.

 

But maybe you don't actually have to trust someone to be their friend, when there is a divorce and custody judgment already in place.

 

Maybe I just need some time. I'm always on here telling people not to live in the past, not to harbor grudges. Going around wanting to hold your former abuser accountable, wanting him to see that he was wrong, is like chasing a rainbow but with a pot of torment at the end rather than gold. It helps no one. But all the same, here I am, still angry I suppose. I'll need to take some time before I can practice what I preach. Forgiveness is not as easy as I hoped.

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Forgiveness is not as easy as I hoped.

 

I don't think the task at hand is forgiveness. Now that you're divorced, you need simply to be realistic and unaffected by emotion in your ongoing assessment of your ex and his parenting. There's no sides or teams, just the care your son needs to adjust and grow. That doesn't seem to be your ex's focus so even more important for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - My landscaper has told me several times he knows guys who can "take care of people". Let me know :eek: .

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Friends don't mortify other friends by threatening to take sole custody of their child.

 

Keep that in mind.

 

Yas

 

PS I think there might be a thread about that topic.

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He wants to be good friends forever, as he told me the other day. He thinks we solved all our personal problems by getting a divorce, and that we can just be friends now and not think about it. As a matter of fact, that's what I originally wanted out of the divorce. I know a few divorced couples who are good friends, and it seems ideal.

 

But now that goal seems a little too good to be true. It's the fact that, during the divorce, he filed for sole custody with no reason for doing so besides maybe punishment or tactical reasons. I guess I trust him when times are rosy, but when the chips go down, he's likely to be a loose cannon.

 

But maybe you don't actually have to trust someone to be their friend, when there is a divorce and custody judgment already in place.

 

Do not go into this thinking you two can be friends. I know so many divorced people who bury their heads in the sand about who their ex is out of this notion of being buddies. I don't know if it's guilt that drives this or fear of being on their own, but it's a definite "thing." The result is always increased amounts of conflict, because there are increased opportunities for it to arise.

 

Pull your head up, shake the sand out of your ears, and take a good look at who you just divorced. This is not the makings of a friendship. Friends do not treat one another as he has treated you. Therefore friendship is not possible and should not be a goal unless he decides on a personality overhaul (hint: this isn't going to happen.)

 

Don't let society at large guilt you into thinking you have to be friends to be good co-parents. That is entirely false. You have to be polite and respectful to one another and not denigrate the other parent to the child and that is it. This, when you've got a less than stellar other parent, is what reduces conflict in the long run. Conflict is what is bad for the child after divorce, not the absence of a (false) friendship between the parents.

 

Look up "parallel parenting". It's the best choice when you've got a manipulative or high-conflict co-parent as it minimizes communication and therefore minimizes opportunities for continued conflict.

 

I'm all for parents who can be friends, but most who feel obligated to push for this don't stop to take a good realistic look to see if they have the raw materials to build a friendship. Those include: maturity, respect for the ex's independence, understanding of new boundaries, and an ability to live in the present. Neither of them would be writing a post about using the child to manipulate the other parent, that's for sure.

 

You clearly don't have those raw materials. He guilt trips you and manipulates you and is trying to find reasons to stay in your life. He does not understand (or isn't willing to understand) that divorce means everything changes. This is someone who does not understand nor respect boundaries, and therefore it is ultra-important for you to have boundaries with this sort of person.

 

If you want to ultimately move on with your life, find love again, and have a peaceful life, you need to accept that your ex is someone with whom you need to have strong boundaries. Yes, it sucks that it can't be easy and you guys have an easy going friendship, but your life will be much easier in the long run if you work on accepting that now.

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LifesontheUp

jakrbbt:

 

Children, especially younger ones need stability and routine.

 

A midnight transfer for a toddler is not acceptable and you need to tell him. Set your boundaries, they are the ones that are best for your kids.

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Do not go into this thinking you two can be friends. I know so many divorced people who bury their heads in the sand about who their ex is out of this notion of being buddies. I don't know if it's guilt that drives this or fear of being on their own, but it's a definite "thing." The result is always increased amounts of conflict, because there are increased opportunities for it to arise.

 

Pull your head up, shake the sand out of your ears, and take a good look at who you just divorced. This is not the makings of a friendship. Friends do not treat one another as he has treated you. Therefore friendship is not possible and should not be a goal unless he decides on a personality overhaul (hint: this isn't going to happen.)

 

Don't let society at large guilt you into thinking you have to be friends to be good co-parents. That is entirely false. You have to be polite and respectful to one another and not denigrate the other parent to the child and that is it. This, when you've got a less than stellar other parent, is what reduces conflict in the long run. Conflict is what is bad for the child after divorce, not the absence of a (false) friendship between the parents.

 

Look up "parallel parenting". It's the best choice when you've got a manipulative or high-conflict co-parent as it minimizes communication and therefore minimizes opportunities for continued conflict.

 

I'm all for parents who can be friends, but most who feel obligated to push for this don't stop to take a good realistic look to see if they have the raw materials to build a friendship. Those include: maturity, respect for the ex's independence, understanding of new boundaries, and an ability to live in the present. Neither of them would be writing a post about using the child to manipulate the other parent, that's for sure.

 

You clearly don't have those raw materials. He guilt trips you and manipulates you and is trying to find reasons to stay in your life. He does not understand (or isn't willing to understand) that divorce means everything changes. This is someone who does not understand nor respect boundaries, and therefore it is ultra-important for you to have boundaries with this sort of person.

 

If you want to ultimately move on with your life, find love again, and have a peaceful life, you need to accept that your ex is someone with whom you need to have strong boundaries. Yes, it sucks that it can't be easy and you guys have an easy going friendship, but your life will be much easier in the long run if you work on accepting that now.

 

Thank you for this level and credible-- but not easy-- advice. Two things will help me follow through: 1) knowing that I'm avoiding a mistake others have made (as you say), and 2) somehow imagining what it looks like to move on and have a peaceful life one day with no weird stuff from ex. I bet I can get both perspectives from my therapist if I make time to see him some more.

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Dear,

 

You don't "feel" manipulated. You have been manipulated and you need to stop being manipulated right now.

 

How? Simple. Don't fall for his game. Like every despicable parent, he is going to use the kid to get you to comply. Guess what? You don't have to. In fact, he is even shooting his own foot on this one.

 

What you absolutely need is to get a lawyer for 2 reasons:

1. What you explain to him will go on record, so he can act as a witness in a future court case.

2. He will be able to provide you valuable advice about your options on this situation.

 

By the way, what he is doing is abuse, legally codified and can be easily prosecuted.

 

Now I will tell you what you ABSOLUTELY should not do:

1. Comply. When he comes with crap, say no. As simple as that.

2. Argue. Say no and end the conversation right there.

3. Threat. Never talk about "Next time I am going to...". You don't want to give him heads-up.

4. Tell him that you went to a lawyer. Same as point 3. Don't give him a heads-up.

 

Just go to a lawyer like yesterday.

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Thank you for this level and credible-- but not easy-- advice. Two things will help me follow through: 1) knowing that I'm avoiding a mistake others have made (as you say), and 2) somehow imagining what it looks like to move on and have a peaceful life one day with no weird stuff from ex. I bet I can get both perspectives from my therapist if I make time to see him some more.

 

jakrbbt, I've been impressed with the intelligent nature of your introspective thought since you started posting here.

 

I seriously doubt, in these situations you've posted, you don't know what action to take. You know the right thing to do. The real issue is - you don't want to do it. Why is that :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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jakrbbt, I've been impressed with the intelligent nature of your introspective thought since you started posting here.

 

I seriously doubt, in these situations you've posted, you don't know what action to take. You know the right thing to do. The real issue is - you don't want to do it. Why is that :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hey, Mr. Lucky,

 

When you're up to your eyeballs in it, you just don't see it. She just got her divorce last month, the ink isn't even dry on the decree.

 

[OK, that's the last excuse I'm gonna make for ya].

 

FWIW, Jakrbbt, Esq., you've come a long way, baby. And in a short time, on top of that, too.

 

[OK, that's the only praise you're gonna get outta me, ATM].

 

Career, Career, Career, period. That is your location.

 

You don't need a therapist to learn you to keep deviants out of your home. You just got divorced from one, plus you detached yourself from him. Call the shots yourself! You're an attorney, PLUS, you know other attorneys -- start applying some of that smarts.

 

Now, stop the boo-hoo, and get with the program, before I get my violin out. Haha.

 

Yas

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jakrbbt, I've been impressed with the intelligent nature of your introspective thought since you started posting here.

 

I seriously doubt, in these situations you've posted, you don't know what action to take. You know the right thing to do. The real issue is - you don't want to do it. Why is that :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks for this. But for some reason I am confused about details. I know that the best thing for my son and me is if we have our own, separate-from-ex, lives-- whether I have him 80% or 50% of the time. i guess it's hard to have him less than 50% time because of how things are playing out.

 

I can have my son more if I "stand by" for my ex to lean on me. Ex is disorganized and has varying work hours. If we get along, and I'm available, he calls on me to take our son on his days et c. And then I can be assured that my son is getting proper food, sunblock, sleep and all that. The problem is that it is always last-minute notice and requires a lot more communication with ex.

 

So far I've had our son about 80% of the time, and 99% of overnights, because I do that.

 

My ex often has no food in his house, he won't have toys there because he dislikes the way they look, he often doesn't realize until 10 at night that he works at 7 next morning, often doesn't even know what date it is, he doesn't brush our son's teeth, STILL spoon-feeds him even though he's two, has him sleep on a mattress on the floor in piles of dirty clothes, (well, the one time our son slept there), would wake him at odd hours when finds out about work schedule et c. So I am uncomfortable with the 50% that I admit I agreed to.

 

If only I could still be super-available for my son and yet not deal with ex very much. We're nice and friendly, but that isn't the issue. I need a lot more space. (And I didn't realize that, say, two weeks ago.)

 

I could remind myself why I supposedly believed in 50-50: To give dad a shot at stepping up, and give baby a shot at having both parents involved.

 

The truth is, I figured my ex would fail at that shot at stepping up, and that I'd gladly take over and sort of be a de facto 80% parent. And that if he didn't fail, all the better.

 

Instead, I feel I have to step up and work things out with him daily, or else there's the threat of my son being raised half by him in that borderline-negligent situation.

 

I am also annoyed that i pay child support-- ex got a job one week after the divorce was final. According to his current salary, I would not owe any support. And that is if ex truly has our son 50% of the time and truly pays for half his support, which he does not do.

 

Letting go of that annoyance would help me let go of my ex, and his place in my life. Who cares about the money or the "fairness."

 

I still feel like I've been used and exploited, like I was an idiot to ever even date this person let alone marry him, and have a child with him. I need to figure out exactly what I want from our lives, and just do it. And I don't want to be his best friend. I'd like to be friendly and not see each other often. I'd like our son 80% of the time as long as ex isn't stepping up. If he's truly not stepping up, then I suppose I have to start weighing whether to go back to court. Do I really have to be nice and accommodating so that he'll "offer" me our son on those times he can't really step up? Should I give my son more credit for being able to weather the chaotic, sleep-deprived times at daddy's 3-4 days a week, and just stick to the parenting schedule more?

 

The hard part is that limbo where he isn't doing anything that would exactly get him to lose his parenting time, but our son is getting much less care and opportunity (and sleep, and nutrition) than if he were with me. Where does a parent let go of that stuff?

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As a postscript, maybe the first step is to detach from my ex more and more, and the rest will fall into place. Including my concerns about my son.

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DivorcedDad123

"I am also annoyed that i pay child support-- ex got a job one week after the divorce was final. According to his current salary, I would not owe any support. And that is if ex truly has our son 50% of the time and truly pays for half his support, which he does not do. "

 

This one's fairly easy. In 6 months, go back for modification of child support and subpoena for his paystubs. 6 months will be enough time to establish a pattern of his working capabilites.

The rest you'll just have to live with. Courts generally won't do anything to modify custody time. You'll need to look up the reasons why a change in custody time would be needed in your state. Each state varies. For some its a "material change in circumstances" and in others it may be that AND 3 more things needed.

You're going through what the majority of divorced men do. No say in how child support is used,having to step up and be the other parents fall guy,etc.,,You have to come to a conclusion that you can only do so much.

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The rest you'll just have to live with. Courts generally won't do anything to modify custody time. You'll need to look up the reasons why a change in custody time would be needed in your state. Each state varies. For some its a "material change in circumstances" and in others it may be that AND 3 more things needed.

You're going through what the majority of divorced men do. No say in how child support is used,having to step up and be the other parents fall guy,etc.,,You have to come to a conclusion that you can only do so much.

 

Agreed. Unless you're going to kidnap your son and take him to a jurisdiction outside the US (not recommended), you have to deal with the system.

 

Used to drive me crazy, when my exW went through her dating/hook-up phase she'd dump our son at her elderly Mom's house, which he disliked because there was nothing for him to do. I told her "no questions asked", I'd take him anytime she went out but they were "her" days so she wouldn't do it.

 

I eventually learned to focus on being the best parent I could in the time I had with him, all I could do. And as DD123 says, sometimes all you can do is all you can do...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Agreed. Unless you're going to kidnap your son and take him to a jurisdiction outside the US (not recommended), you have to deal with the system.

 

Used to drive me crazy, when my exW went through her dating/hook-up phase she'd dump our son at her elderly Mom's house, which he disliked because there was nothing for him to do. I told her "no questions asked", I'd take him anytime she went out but they were "her" days so she wouldn't do it.

 

I eventually learned to focus on being the best parent I could in the time I had with him, all I could do. And as DD123 says, sometimes all you can do is all you can do...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And if I remember, Mr. Lucky, your son is now a happy and well-adjusted young man? I know it's only one story, but if that's true, it gives me something.

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Not only that but, in his 30's, he's 10X the Dad to his kids I ever was. Patient, involved, nurturing, he brings a relaxed vibe to it I lacked in the hectic scramble of divorce and trying to make a living. As you can probably tell, I'm hugely proud of him.

 

Guess we can learn something from our children...

 

Mr. Lucky

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That’s right: You have to live with it. He’s the child’s dad and he gets to parent his way just as you get to parent your way. So long as he is not neglecting or abusing the child, your preferences don’t matter just as his preferences about your parenting don’t matter. If you are annoyed by his late night calls, turn off your phone or don’t pick up child after 8 or 9 or whenever.

 

I kind of giggled when you mentioned sunscreen. If my kids' dad had gotten on me about sunscreen, I would have just stared at him. I probably would have unwrapped two corn-syrup-laden lollipops and stuck them right in the kids' mouths then and there and given him my meany-squinty-eye look. :D

 

Your son will survive this and will grow up having two parents' perspectives and ways of living. My kids made it to their mid-twenties now without sunscreen and they're healthy, happy, educated and employed citizens. And their dad was wrong about EVERYTHING! :laugh:;)

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That’s right: You have to live with it. He’s the child’s dad and he gets to parent his way just as you get to parent your way. So long as he is not neglecting or abusing the child, your preferences don’t matter just as his preferences about your parenting don’t matter. If you are annoyed by his late night calls, turn off your phone or don’t pick up child after 8 or 9 or whenever.

 

I kind of giggled when you mentioned sunscreen. If my kids' dad had gotten on me about sunscreen, I would have just stared at him. I probably would have unwrapped two corn-syrup-laden lollipops and stuck them right in the kids' mouths then and there and given him my meany-squinty-eye look. :D

 

Your son will survive this and will grow up having two parents' perspectives and ways of living. My kids made it to their mid-twenties now without sunscreen and they're healthy, happy, educated and employed citizens. And their dad was wrong about EVERYTHING! :laugh:;)

 

I guess the difference is that I can do something about it, in that my ex is willing (for now) to keep having me take our son instead. But only at a price that I'm trying to weigh now.

 

He only does it if he's happy with me, and everything is at the extreme last-minute so I can't plan any kind of life or even go into the office when I'm supposed to.

 

Also it requires me to deal with ex a lot. I should add that he still comes onto me, tells me I'm "the one" et c.

 

And he knows that if I'm glad to take on our son, I'm all too glad to pay the expenses involved while not complaining about the child support. I don't want to be dealing with his disorganized schedule, paying for more than makes sense, and fending off his advances for even a year, let alone several.

 

Reading about more relaxed parenting styles (which after all, my siblings and I grew up with), helps, Blue Iris.

 

When I google stuff like how much sleep a kid needs et cetera, I get nothing but internet lectures on how I MUST maximize all aspects of my kid's wellbeing. It all seems geared toward people who have perfect opportunities to choose (and pay for, and have time for) all the child-rearing details. Who are these people?? I'm not finding stuff from people saying, "I did my best with my kid, it was sub-optimal in several respects, and she/he still thrived."

 

Mostly, I want my son to have security and adventure and the best education he can get, and to avoid physical health problems where reasonably possible.

 

My ex mostly just wants our son to tell him how great he is (He's always saying, "Do you love daddy?" but never "daddy loves you.") That galls me as much as the lack of sunblock et c. But if I know my son can still thrive in that environment, then I might stop being unreasonably super-available. And I might stop fearing what happens if I accidentally piss off my ex. That would be freeing.

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Not only that but, in his 30's, he's 10X the Dad to his kids I ever was. Patient, involved, nurturing, he brings a relaxed vibe to it I lacked in the hectic scramble of divorce and trying to make a living. As you can probably tell, I'm hugely proud of him.

 

Guess we can learn something from our children...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Love this needed reminder.

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Hon,

 

Both my brother and I, are the real deal natural redheads, with chicken white skin. When we were growing up, there was no sunscreen. Once I became a teen, it was all the rage - to bake in the sun. A couple mean sunburns taught me my lesson real good. Anyway, my brother and I turned out OK without sunscreen.

 

I would stop worrying so much. There are plenty of babies that have lived in homeless shelters, and much less ideal conditions. Your little man is living like a king, compared to some children in the World. Let it go.

 

Worrying, anger, frustration takes energy. That energy needs to be directed at Career, Career, and Career. Now it is that "location" where you can control an extremely positive impact in elevating your little man's life and future. He has you for his Mama! Therefore, he is gonna turn out PERFECT! No worries. Yas

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Talk to your attorney about altering the child support number, based on your ex's employment and your history of 99% overnights.

 

He may want a year of data, rather than just six months.

 

Otherwise, how much you put up with your ex and the impact it has on you and your career is entirely up to you. If the negative consequences are "worth it" to you so that you'll have your child more, who are we to say otherwise?

 

Personally, I'd keep it up for the sake of the adjustment in child support, then I'd get back to enforcing the agreement. But that's me.

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An attractive, intelligent friend who is also a doctor invited me to his vacation home today, 2 hours away. Tomorrow is my day to get our son. In our temporary parenting plan, I picked him up at "approximately 10:00 a.m." But now, the time is unspecified. My ex says he can't have our son past 7:30 tomorrow morning. So I can't go to the vacation home without some inconvenience, and my friend says let's do it another time.

 

Why oh why did I not ask for a specific pick-up time in the divorce order? Now I can't make weekend plans without checking with my ex.

 

I have tried to get him to agree to a specific pick-up time, or to the night before, but he refuses to discuss it.

 

I guess I'm regretting the divorce order's parenting-plan that I agreed to, because it's not really working out.

 

My ex gets to claim our son on taxes this year, but he has not spent one dime on him except for literally a couple cheap meals. He hasn't even housed him enough to have to buy groceries for him. But we each get to claim him as a dependent every other year. That makes sense if we're each contributing-- maybe not exactly 50/50, but meaningfully contributing, to his care.

 

I know that my ex just does not see our son as a financial responsibility. He probably never will. It probably galls me because I feel that ex has taken advantage of me and exploited me in the past, and to some extent, still is. I want our son to either have the benefit of both parents' incomes, or to have the little boost that the government offers single parents. Instead that "boost" is going to car projects, as is the child support.

 

I guess I can continue collecting data and go to court saying, "this isn't working. I have son most the time, and the rest of the time ex can't be consistent or give any notice."

 

It seems backhanded, but it's not like ex will work it out without the court getting involved. When someone sticks his head in the sand with his ostrich butt sticking up, you have 2 choices: Either acquiesce to his way, or act unilaterally.

 

Well, the "lost" tax benefit is probably about $5k every other year. Then, the expense of raising a 2 yr old is not that much yet-- besides food (the biggest expense), it's maybe $1500 per year for diapers, wipes, clothes and shoes. There is some value in accepting the situation and trying to just do my best financially.

 

At least I have done well enough for myself that one day soon I can start making a very decent income-- I hope. My current job doesn't pay a whole lot, but it's flexible hours. When my son is in school I can afford the extra time commitment of the private sector. I guess Yas would say, "This crap with ex is nothing compared to where you can go professionally." But I don't have the professional confidence to see that, so I sit around and stew over my ex and the unfairness.

 

A small-time mooch like my ex doesn't have to ruin it for my son and me, is probably the way to see it. But I don't see it that way because I'm angry.

 

Is there some symbolic ritual I can do, so that, while I'm still dealing with ex a lot for logistics and co-parenting, yet I tell myself that he is not my personal friend?

Edited by jakrbbt
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