Boundaries and when to press on

[WhiteWingedDove]

Some of you may have seen my posting in the infidelity forum about suspecting my H of having an affair, after suddenly presenting with HSV Long long story short, due to how he ~handled~ that issue between us (which to me demonstrated a huge lack of concern and respect for me) and for many other reasons (mostly involving dysfunctional communication and a breakdown in sex and spending quality time together) I decided to end things by leaving. Because communication can become heated between us in a big way, and I knew he'd be much opposed to my leaving, I left very suddenly and with out many of my possessions. I moved the next state over to a place I feel I can start my life over again in. In other words - I am now a Walk Away and not ~proud~ of it, but I stand by my decision - I felt it was necessary.

 

I've only been gone a week and I do have a lawyer under retainer but have made no legal action, yet. My H accepts that I want a divorce - but still hopes I might change my mind. When we speak it is clear he is very very hurt (of course) and I find I feel my emotions become very affected by his, and I am tangled back into wanting to help him process and in feeling the hurts of the marriage all over again. This IS a pattern of mine - I tend to take on the others' grieving in a relationship. Yet, when I am 'just doing me', I believe in my heart it needs to be over; I don't want to go back. It is almost as if I wish I DID want to make it work out, in some part of my heart, but... I just can't. I reached some sort of emotional breaking point I feel that I cannot undo, and I no longer believe we can resolve our differences. Yet I still can be so hurt and saddened by it all.

 

My question is, how do I be kind here and yet maintain my boundaries? How to I ensure he understands I 'mean it', yet not jam the divorce down his throat? I want to give him some time to process, but although I am in no hurry, I think dragging out the inevitable serves no one, truly.

 

( And, btw, before the accusers come in - as I see they often do in other posts - no, there is NOT another man in my life driving my decisions. )

[jen1447]

I think you're on the right track really to achieve your goals already. If you maintain a slow moving schedule that's nonetheless a schedule, that should get it done. e.g. talk to him, let him process, etc., but do give him a date at some point that you intend to file. That part can still be compassionate but you'll be best served if you handle it primarily as business. Meaning you don't have to be mean-spirited about it, but you do have to be persistent. And you should expect some resistance, so that's where you'll have to apply persistence. Don't let him delay, and he should have no practical reason to if you give him plenty of time to process to begin with.

 

I generally view exes (not married, just BFs) in much the same way in that I want to help them thru the process. I never just box them out one day. But at the same time you have to establish new boundaries that steadily and convincingly establish and reinforce the new reality that the two of you are no longer together that way. You can and will be a friend, but not their primary in life.

 

Good luck.

[beach]

Decide what that healthy boundary looks like for yourself.

 

 

Understand what is his and don't attempt to make his stuff look any different for him. It IS his.

 

Handle what is yours.

 

 

Have you read codependent no more? That may help.