can I save my marriage

[EricGarretson]

My wife and I have been married less than two years and are going through a very rough patch. We have been separated for about 4 months and we fight when we are around each other. I love her very much and I hate that we can't get along. I'm going to be completely honest right now as I really want to paint an accurate picture for whoever reads this so they can offer the most helpful advice possible. We started having problems because I began to get jealous of a male co worker she had. She says they were just friends and I have no proof to prove otherwise. But I constantly would bring it up and yell and fight about it. I don't have the trust for her I should and I accused her of things non stop. I have said MANY hurtful things to her and have said I don't love her and have said things I'm so ashamed of I can't even put here but use your imagination. I have been seeking counseling for my anger issues and have been trying to get help and advice from anyone willing to listen. She says she loves me and she just can't take the emotional stress anymore. She just wants peace. I get this. I understand this and I know now that I can provide her with a life that she wants. But she doesn't believe me. Why would she? I haven't been a good man or husband to her so she has no reason to believe I'll start now. What do I do? How do I show her that I will love her and treat her well for the rest of my life. What do I do. I'm desperate and need some advice. Is there hope?

[badpenny]

Ask her to agree first of all to one month's separation.

 

Ask her to attend joint marriage counselling with you.

 

You guys need to learn Effective, Constructive Communication.

 

You guys have to establish total Trust in one another. She has to Trust you to change (and you MUST!) You have to Trust her to be faithful to you (as she must.)

 

You have to develop Respect for her as a human being, a woman and your wife. In that order.

You have to develop Self-Respect and quit permitting yourself to be a lesser human than you are, by acting like a jealous jerk.

 

BUT:

 

Understand that the reason she became closer to this guy than you might have liked, is because you were behaving in such a way as to PUSH her away.

What you weren't giving her, he offered.

 

It's not unnatural for someone to want to be with someone who makes them feel good, fulfilled appreciated, understood and Loved.

 

And you weren't making her feel that way.

 

That's what you have to do.

 

Communication.

Trust.

Respect.

 

get those 3 ducks in order, and get your marriage back on track.

 

WITH her.

 

Because no-one can do it on their own.

 

And one final thing:

 

Show her this thread.

[PegNosePete]

we fight when we are around each other.

How do I show her that I will love her and treat her well for the rest of my life. What do I do.

Well, not fighting with her would be a good start.

 

After that you can tell her your feelings and ask her what hers are. If you both want to fix the marriage then you can try councelling and all that jazz. But first you need to make sure that you are both 100% committed to making it work. Because if you're not BOTH 100% committed then it's doomed to failure and you might as well not waste your time and money.

[Hardgrind]

Eric, sometimes your gut feelings are correct and you should listen to them.

 

If she referred to him as "just a friend" using those exact words, this is a huge red flag. If he is "just a friend" instead of "a friend" she is uncomfortable about the closeness of their relationship.

 

People don't always have affairs because of problems in the marriage. Some people cheat because the opportunity presents itself and they don't know or respect appropriate boundaries. Don't buy into the argument that the betrayed partner is responsible for the cheating of their partner.

 

It sounds like there are things to work on in your marriage but you can't fix a marriage while one of the spouses is focused on someone else.

[KBarletta]

Some good advice from the other posters already, but I have a couple questions. What has your relationship been during this four-month separation? Have you been communicating regularly or did you establish no contact? Has she given you any reason in the past not to trust her, other than your own "gut feelings"? Would she be open to marriage counseling?

 

The fact that you are in individual counseling is good. That should show her that you are serious about addressing your part in these problems.

 

Badpenny and PNP are very right that you need to be certain that both of you are 100 percent on board with saving your marriage. Otherwise, your effort will be in vain.

[d0nnivain]

Without trust there isn't much. Was there anything more to this colleague then that he was male which set you off? If so, maybe you weren't wrong. If it was just the fact that he existed & your wife new him, make sure your wife knows you are in counseling. Apologize sincerely to her for not trusting her & beg her to come to marriage counseling with you.

[Methodical]

We started having problems because I began to get jealous of a male co worker she had. She says they were just friends and I have no proof to prove otherwise. But I constantly would bring it up and yell and fight about it. I don't have the trust for her I should and I accused her of things non stop. I have said MANY hurtful things to her and have said I don't love her and have said things I'm so ashamed of I can't even put here but use your imagination. I have been seeking counseling for my anger issues and have been trying to get help and advice from anyone willing to listen. She says she loves me and she just can't take the emotional stress anymore. She just wants peace. I get this. I understand this and I know now that I can provide her with a life that she wants. But she doesn't believe me. Why would she? I haven't been a good man or husband to her so she has no reason to believe I'll start now. What do I do? How do I show her that I will love her and treat her well for the rest of my life. What do I do. I'm desperate and need some advice. Is there hope?

 

What made you suspicious and have a lack of faith and trust in your wife? Just because someone is of opposite gender does not mean there is an affair in the makings.

 

If my spouse constantly yelled at many, made accusations, said MANY hurtful things non stop, tried to destroy my self-esteem and self-worth, I'd head for the hills too. You took it to another level when you told her you didn't love her! I'm going to say that cut her to the core and she had no desire to stay with a person who blatantly admitted to not loving or caring.

 

She probably does love you, but she's no longer in love because of the toxic nature of your relationship. She got out before she went insane. She wanted PEACE, not another man.

 

Actions speak louder than words. You can stop arguing every time you see her, admit your mistakes, let her know you are taking proactive measures to deal with your issues. Accept blame instead of placing it on her. No where in this post do I see where she did anything to make you suspicious of an outstanding affair, or even the desire to entertain the idea of an affair. You have been separated for four months. Is she dating anyone?

 

If she referred to him as "just a friend" using those exact words, this is a huge red flag. If he is "just a friend" instead of "a friend" she is uncomfortable about the closeness of their relationship.

 

People don't always have affairs because of problems in the marriage. Some people cheat because the opportunity presents itself and they don't know or respect appropriate boundaries. Don't buy into the argument that the betrayed partner is responsible for the cheating of their partner.

 

It sounds like there are things to work on in your marriage but you can't fix a marriage while one of the spouses is focused on someone else.

 

You are saying the word "just" changes the entire meaning of her statement. That doesn't make sense.

 

The OP doesn't say she betrayed or had an affair, Just that he became jealous and vented in a constant manner full of rage. I don't see where she was focused on someone else. Maybe I missed something, but I don't see where the OP states that she constantly talked about the co-worker, went out for drinks after work, texted the guy, etc., any behaviors that may indicate interest.

 

The OP needs to work on anger management and search within himself to discover why he assumes the worst without indicators.

[LifeNomad]

the thing is its hard to really say unless you give more details on their relationship.

 

 

Sometimes they can just be friends and nothing more and you might be over reacting especially if your the over jealous type of guy which some are

 

 

and sometimes based on how she acts or reacts around him and only him vs everyone else it can be more and the "just a friend" is not really just a friend.

 

 

Also, a lot of affairs whether physical or emotional always start with the "just a friend" explanation.

 

 

You have to analyze yourself and your situation, if anything don't harass her anymore about it but keep an eye out for red flags.

 

 

Remember also life is short and shes gonna do what she wants to do, if she wants to sleep with that guy she will, if she wants to be with you she will, there is nothing you can do to stop her from doing what she wants to do, all your doing by harassing her about is aggravating the situation.

 

 

Coming to these forums is a very good step by the way.

[EricGarretson]

The reason I suspected that it was more is that she lied about talking to him. It wasn't until later on that I found out for myself that she admitted to it. Then during the separation she sent messages to him telling him she loved him. If that helps.

[GorillaTheater]

that she lied about talking to him.

 

 

she sent messages to him telling him she loved him.

 

Well hell, those two facts are pretty significant. Especially the last one. It sure wasn't irrational jealousy on your part.

 

So she probably had an affair, and you may have handled it poorly. I'm not sure what that leaves in the way of a marriage.

 

Is she even interested in getting back together? Why are you?

[Satu]

Jealousy is a poison that ruins everything, and you can't just wish it away.

 

Find a therapist and commit to working on it.

 

But if she is cheating on you, just walk away.

Edited March 27, 2015 by Satu

[EricGarretson]

Its easy to say walk away but hard to do. I love her so much and I don't believe she cheated. She says that she doesn't know if she wants to stay married and she is acting more distant than normal. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle here but hope is all I have at this point. My love for her is stronger now than it ever has been and it is tearing me apart that I don't think she feels the same. I cannot give up on something I believe so strongly in. That is not an option. But I don't know how much longer I can take the pain of not knowing. I'm so lost..

[Satu]

Its easy to say walk away but hard to do. I love her so much and I don't believe she cheated. She says that she doesn't know if she wants to stay married and she is acting more distant than normal. I guess I'm hoping for a miracle here but hope is all I have at this point. My love for her is stronger now than it ever has been and it is tearing me apart that I don't think she feels the same. I cannot give up on something I believe so strongly in. That is not an option. But I don't know how much longer I can take the pain of not knowing. I'm so lost..

 

If you are sure that she didn't/isn't cheating, what you're left with is a chance to work on yourself, to become more like the person you want to be.

 

*What growth and change do you want to accomplish?

 

*How can you begin to work on that?

 

If she sees you making progress, it will do no harm, and *might* make her re-invest in a life with you.

 

Here are a few things that can be positive assets in relationships:

 

*Emotional stability. Not moody. Not overly changeable.

 

*Ability to really listen and a desire to understand what is said.

 

*Reliability. Does what is promised.

 

*A commitment to honesty in all dealings.

 

*Takes care of own health and fitness.

 

*Handles money responsibly.

 

** Those are just a few random examples from amongst very many, but you could build a more meaningful list for yourself, and begin to work on it.

 

If you work on growth and change you can't go wrong.

 

Focus on yourself, rather than on her.

[dreamingoftigers]

She said she loves him.

 

Yes, she cheated. Duh.

[EricGarretson]

I would like to thank everyone for their advice. I'm new to this, in fact this is the first thing I've ever put on here. I have been doing a lot of things mentioned and it has been effective. She surprised me at work today. And we had a good civil meaningful conversation that when it ended we didn't want to say goodbye. I'm reluctant to get too excited but I can't help but think that this is a good sign. Those that think she cheated, I hope you're wrong. I think she wouldn't do that but I understand you thinking that because I thought it for a long time. The things that I've since found out lead me to believe that she most likely didn't. I won't get into the details of it but I'm 90% sure she didn't. But getting off track here, I wanted everyone to know that all the comments and advice are very much appreciated and I welcome all of the insight I can get on the situation.

[Hardgrind]

"You are saying the word "just" changes the entire meaning of her statement. That doesn't make sense. "

 

 

Yes, the word "just" changes the meaning. When you introduce people to a friend of yours, you say they are your friend, not that they are "just your friend". The word "just" is often used by people to cover up the real situation, but often gives it away in the process.

 

 

If you describe someone as "your current boyfriend" instead of "your boyfriend", it conveys that the relationship is short-term and not likely to last long.

 

 

When people say someone is "just a friend", it conveys that they are or could be more than a friend.

 

 

Another example, if you are happy in your job and plan to be their a while, you refer to it as "your job". If you refer to it as "your current job" it implies you are looking for something else.

[MyEvilTwin]

Looks like you are posting with your real name. There is no way to change that. Unless you want people who know you to find this thread through searches. I don't recommend it though.

 

Simply start a new account with something not recognizable to those who know you. You can't change the log-in name.