ralfgarnett Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I have recently emailed her a couple of times with some nice words that I think she has appreciated, I am not usually stuck for words but I'm starting to run out of things to say to catch her attention, can anyone please direct me to where I can find letters and e-mails on-line that I could use in order to try to win her back or at least make her think ?, of course there are no guarantess and being the dumpee I shouldn't even be doing it but I am getting that desperate that I really feel as though my chances are running out, we will of been married 18 years this summer and together over 20 years so no flash in the pan relationship, so you can see why it means so much to me as we have been separated a good few months now and the pain of separation is killing me and I just want her back and would try or do anything to do that, we were always very close and loving so if any of you can help I will be very gratefull. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Here's the best one! . (Yes, it's blank) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Fraid Pete's right mate. Can't be easy but I doubt this will work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 There are no templates & it's highly unlikely that a letter will work. Somebody doesn't just throw away a 20 year marriage on a whim. Do some serious soul searching about why she said she left. It you had a hand in it, talk to her & beg her to go to marriage counseling where you can both work on it. If she said she wants out because she needs to "find herself" or anything like that, she's not coming back and there is nothing you can do about it because you didn't cause the problem To get her attention, I'd try flowers with a note that says: "I still love you and I want to work with you to find our way back to each other" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 If someone tells you its over and means it, it is over. The best thing you can do is to accept it and adapt to your new circumstances. You have to restructure you life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Agree with Satu. People go where they want to go. No enticements are going to change things. If you've made it known that you are a warm and accepting place, that's all you can do. And it sounds like you have. Let it be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Ralf, Had not heard from you in a while. Was hoping she came back. Mine did not and my divorce will be final today. I don't think a letter will help. I actually typed a few up as therapy for myself, asking why she decided to have affair, left, letting her know how much she hurt me. they were pretty good. Of course I would never send them though. Has yours made any move towards divorce? If not I think all you can do is hang on quietly and see if she comes back. Or maybe file to force her hand one way or the other. I think limbo is worse then divorce. Good luck and I do hope she comes back. And there is life without them, its different, but there is life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 "If she said she wants out because she needs to "find herself" or anything like that, she's not coming back and there is nothing you can do about it because you didn't cause the problem" Yes this is exactly one of the strange things she said a few weeks after she left, never did quite understand what she meant by that, got any ideas ?, I always knew / hoped that I didn't cause the problem but what makes you say that I am intrigued ?. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 It means for whatever reason she wants out. She's bored. She found somebody else. She just wants to be single. She has GIGS & thinks she's missing something. Although a cliché, it really is her issue & you can't change it. Sorry. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Hi Chew thinking of you today mate, no so far she has made no mention of D and I seriously hope she doesn't coudnt cope with that at the moment my depression is not too good at the moment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Chew makes some good points. I agree that limbo in many ways is worse than divorce, even if a divorce is something you don't want (I sure don't, even now). Limbo puts you in a position where you are making no real progress, you are stuck thinking about the past and a future that is, at best, a guessing game, and at worst, impossible to reach. In my case, my wife has made it clear that she does not want to be with me. Every second I spend trying to convince her otherwise is a moment I could be spending on building a new life for myself. The same is true for you, Ralf. The limbo you are in keeps putting you back in the "what if ..." frame of mind rather than forcing you to move forward. I would urge you not to keep yourself in that limbo. It is comforting, in a way, because it's familiar. But it doesn't allow you to go anywhere, and I think you need to. I know how hard it is, believe me. I've been there. I know what I *should* be doing, yet I admit that there are moments of weakness where I dream of what we could have been if she had been honest with me and we'd worked things out together. I think about what the alternative could have been if she'd chosen to communicate her feelings to me. I know we could have been happy. But there is nothing I can do about that. Yesterday, I met with my lawyer to finalize divorce documents and get them ready to file. I will be doing so soon. I went into that meeting nervous and anxious about the future. I came out feeling much better. I am taking steps forward. Even though they are steps I couldn't have imagined taking a year ago, or even six months ago, they are going to lead me somewhere better than where I am right now. And that is a good thing. I hope you get there, too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Sir, I am a straight man's man, and am not that cool with showing emotion. Having said that, let me say this, my dear sweet sorrowful man, it is time for you to close the casket on this. I use this funeral metaphor because where I am from, they have open casket funerals and then there is that moment when they close it. That brings about the most wailing, crying and sorrowful protestations. You sir, are going to have to realize that it is time to close the casket. You are effectively hoping that she will return to you so that you can be happy while she is miserable. That is not love. You have to let her go. You don't have to be happy about. You don't have to look forward to life after. You just have to do it. Life after is just as fulfilling, if not more...if you truly let go. Here is the thing, once you tell yourself that it is over and start living like it is over and accept that it is over. so many wonderful things can happen. First, you start to understand who you are independent of her. Being in a long term relationship causes many to lose who they are and begin to identify as a "couple" or as a "husband" or or " a family". You need to identify as you, alone. Just you. You don't want to, but that is cruel. It is cruel to you and to her. Cruel to you because you are keeping your body, mind and soul in a constant state of crisis and grief. Medically, it takes a real toll. Look it up. It is cruel to her because she is reminded of the pain that she caused. She has made up in her mind to go. Now, the only true way for her to move on is to become evil. She is going to have to start lashing out at you to get you away from her. She is going to have to start despising your feelings, not just disregarding them. Don't make her become that person. Besides, if you get your way, all you get is her body back. Not her mind, or heart or soul. That is just creepy. Sorry. Close the casket, grieve over the loss, but move on. I'm telling you, I've seen this before. It does not end well. The template is to stop doing what you are doing. It is to find yourself, without regard to her. It is to visualize life without her. The template is for you. Anything related to her is hostage taking. If she comes to a point where she wants back, well, the improved you can make that choice. Maybe the new her fits with the new you or not. This one thing you know... The old and evidently current you DO NOT fit with her. Change for you and not for her and then see what happens. good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decimated Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 You can't win someone back. She has to want to come back. The best thing you can do is to let her go and move on. I made this mistake thinking I could win her back or change her mind. It was the worst one of my life. My X said the same things to me but the reality was she was screwing some other guy and wanted out. The only option is for you to break all contact with her by doing the 180. This is for you...not to win her back. Occasionally a spouse will see you moving on without them and start to regret their choices. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 People do some thinking and consult their feelings. Then they make a decision. No matter what other people might think of their decision, its what they want to do, and they will do it. You can't make people want something they don't want. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Once all the words have been said, there are no more words to be said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 You can't win someone back. She has to want to come back. The best thing you can do is to let her go and move on. I made this mistake thinking I could win her back or change her mind. It was the worst one of my life. My X said the same things to me but the reality was she was screwing some other guy and wanted out. The only option is for you to break all contact with her by doing the 180. This is for you...not to win her back. Occasionally a spouse will see you moving on without them and start to regret their choices. Good luck I wish it was that simple after nearly 20 years together, we were close, we loved each other I still don't understand and I doubt I ever will. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Although a cliché, it really is her issue & you can't change it. Sorry. I don't think this gets enough emphasis. To me, there's two kinds of dissolutions: Problems with the marriage - poor communication, lack of emotional or physical intimacy, resentment, mutual selfishness, etc. The good news is, if motivated, the partners can work to improve all of the above. Often one spouse can lead the way and be the catalyst for change. Problems with one spouse - GIGS, infidelity, unrealistic expectations, etc. The bad news is, if you're the other spouse, matter is out of your hands. You can sit in counseling sessions, write letters and compose heartfelt emails til you're blue in the face, all to no avail. You're at the mercy of your spouse's often flawed decision-making process. Sadly Ralf, I think your marriage is in Category #2... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Decimated Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 I hear you...I will never understand it either. Nothing about this is simple...or rational. I was with my X for 18 years...and 3 children. We were close, compatible in every way, loving, caring...a great marriage. Her parents passed away...6 months apart. She changed into someone I didn't know. Then she found Facebook, an old school friend, and started cheating....the end. Honestly, I have never seen anyone on the boards win someone back. However, I have seen them move on, as painful as it is, and find each other again down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) Ralf i know your hurting, and it hurts like heck, but honestly the best thing is to leave her alone, vanish, stop all communication if you can, if you have kids just strictly about the kids. Let her know nothing about you. If she really cares, if she really loves you, if she really misses you, she *might* come back to you, but don't live your life waiting or expecting that to happen, you are reborn, grab life and live it up! You are not giving her time to miss you, if there is anything left of you (for her) to miss, its not gonna happen if you keep writing and sending her letters or templates or anything at all. Now, she might not miss you at all, and if that's the case, all your doing by sending her letters and things like that is annoying her, because she wont miss you regardless. I know you feel like if you stopped talking to her, if you left her alone, she would be gone for real, but shes already gone man, shes made up her mind. if it hasn't worked, if your running out of things to say, its time to stop. Sometimes, people fall out of love, for good, I had 13 yrs ,3 children, and even though I don't see us back together, I stick to these boards because its an ugly feeling and it helped me see that its part of life, normal, and its one of those things. In my case, since she left me, I was the one who hurt more, and It gave me comfort at least knowing she wasn't hurting, id rather take the pain anyways. Good luck Ralf, take life by the horns and ride it!! live it up man, Edited March 25, 2015 by LifeNomad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralfgarnett Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 thanks everyone some good advice here I need to think im getting seriously tired and depressed and not getting anywhere thanks again you have all made me think. Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 stop trying to understand. You don't have to accept or agree, just recognize it. To move on, you start in the opposite direction. Not happy. Maybe confused. Still, just walk. Don''t rehash. Don't pause. just keep moving. The hardest step is the first one. Just stop trying to figure it out and walk. Link to post Share on other sites
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