lark265 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) I have been separated from my wife now for about 4 years. We have two children, ages 8 and 5, who live with her. I live about 5 minutes away and see them 3 times a week. The separation has been pretty good for all of us. My wife tends to "rage". It's the Jekyll and Hyde thing. Any tiny thing can do it - usually it's a perceived (or real) slight against her by me. The rages (thank God) are only at me, not kids nor anyone else. I think it's because as her husband, I am her deepest emotional relationship. But I am no Prince either. I tend to take her for granted. I can be disrespectful. But that behavior comes from my lifelong desire to be alone. I don't know why, I just have it. So usually after 8 months or so in my relationships I get the feeling that I want to be alone and out of the relationship, so I start "sabotaging." I treat her badly like I said. Eventually, the other person has had enough and breaks it off. Then I feel horrible, like I'm dying, and beg to have her back, which doesn't work. But now I am feeling this big emotional thing.....I don't know, maybe I am just so tired of living in this limbo. To divorce or not? The kids.....it comes back to them, I think. Should I move back in? My wife has said she would be OK with that. I don't think she wants to divorce. But I am sure she feels in limbo also. She wants a relationship with someone who can be there daily and nightly. I just don't feel the same way I did 10 years ago when we met. The "spark" has diminished. So why the thought of moving back in? Good question. I think I really want the "ideal." The ideal of having a family. Of doing the "right stuff" - you know, married with children. But most of all the kids - I miss my son coming into our bedroom after a bad dream in the middle of the night. I miss just hanging out with them every day after school in the backyard. You know what I mean. So I agonize daily on this question. In my heart I know that living back there would not be a prescription for happiness. I may have OCD, just ruminating over this so much. Very, very confusing. We have done couples counseling....I admit that I don't really want the counseling to succeed. I wasn't really "trying" to come to a resolution where she and I would be back together. I don't really know what I wanted out of the counseling. One bad thing about the way it is now is that I feel that I am just not able to have a "real" relationship with either of my kids. When I am over there (with my wife and kids) the anxiety inside is terrible. I DO NOT want to be there, and I am sure it rubs off on my children. I don't know how to act. I feel like a trespasser in her house. We are married, but not really. If there is a clean break (divorce) I can focus 100% on being with my kids, without the heavy weight of my issues with my wife and me hanging in the air. As it is now, I am relieved when I leave. Just taking that final leap to divorce now seems like I huge jump. Very hard to make the leap. I fill out the papers but don't go to court to file. Divorce sounds like a failure to me. "Good" people don't divorce, they work it out. You know, for the kids. It harms them for life. And it isn't their fault, it's mine (or mine and my wife's). So hard...... Edited March 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraph breaks Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Oh boy Lark, not only should you not reconcile at this point, but you both should get into some serious counselling - stat. This "rage" dynamic between you and your W is pure poison and your wonderful children will bear the brunt of this. Please stop envisioning the perfect family scenario because you two are so far removed from this. Unfortunately your relationship avoidance issues will continue to plague you until they are dealt with professionally. Pull up your socks, lift one foot way up high and take your first step out of limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 The above is good advice, hopefully you have somewhere safe to go. This obviously is not going to work out for you all. You can be a good father still even though it's not 24/7. Are you in a safe place now? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 You're afraid of change, having to work hard on yourself to be nicer and more considerate. You're afraid that the marriage will work if counseling helps and that means you are totally accountable and will be held to a higher standard if you two get back together. Anyway, it's unfair to your kids to move back home JUST because of them and you missing them. Since you and your wife have an OK co parenting routine, maybe ask if you could see them more than 3 times a week. Try shared custody. And it's also unfair to your wife to go back home if you're not 100% on board in committing to her. Link to post Share on other sites
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