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been labeled divorced


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down hearted

Everywhere i go now or fill an application out whether at school or a doctor's office or anywhere really i am constantly faced with the option of single or divorced. It breaks my heart even more each time i have to check off divorce. Also, since i look so young, no kids everyone gives me the "OMG your divorced wow you failed at marriage or in general as a person" face. At work people are like damn really?? etc.. like if i am a failure at life because i am a divorced mid 20s girl! Like is it really that horrible that i got a divorce from my ex husband! I feel like people's views change once i mention i am divorced (not in dating, but in general anybody) They really make it known with their reactions as though i am a failure in general because i got a divorce. Has this ever happened to you? Like i feel pretty crappy enough with the whole divorce thing but then living with this label for the rest of my life ( because honestly i never ever EVER want to get married ever again in my life that was a one thing for me)

I realized that people are really judgmental about the whole divorce thing. Like it really defines who you are as an individual or something. It really feels quite terrible! I had a coworker ask me did you use birth control while married.........um.....ok... yes why? she said this to me and i kid you not this is exactly what she said to me (mind you she is one year younger than me with 2 kids and married) Oh well kids are not for everyone and not everyone likes or wants kids i understand that, i mean not everyone is meant to have children WTF....... she either has to be really stupid or act like it but it really pissed me off... Like how does that mean or translate into "i don't want to have kids??" How did manage to get that conclusion from using birth control while been married????

 

What is wrong with thinking and planning before actually having kids am i wrong for that? Thankfully i didn't since we got divorced anyways and it would of been an ugly fight for the kids issue. To each their own, but we decided to wait on both ends because we had goals and things we wanted to do first, is that so wrong?

 

Like i said, the whole divorce thing really takes the judgmental side of people that i never thought would happen. Honestly if someone was divorced to me it was not a big deal. But now that i am in the divorce side its as though i am a weird alien from another planet, as though i am stained or something.

 

I fear in the future when i am ready to start dating this will also be an issue. It's scary...as if dealing with the break up was not enough it haunts me every time...

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PegNosePete

Don't worry, you get used to it' It's a confidence thing. Soon you will respond to those trolls with "yes I am divorced, you got a problem with that?"

 

As for the dating, yeah I had a few rejections because of divorced status. If they are that judgmental or if being divorced is a deal-breaker for them, then they are clearly not the right person for you anyway. You just move onto the next.

Edited by PegNosePete
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Why do you feel you have to say you are divorced?

Except for on legal forms...just say you are single or unmarried, which you are. It is no one's business. Only people close to you need to know more.

But the idea of a stigma is really old-fashioned anyway. Where do you live?

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down hearted
Why do you feel you have to say you are divorced?

Except for on legal forms...just say you are single or unmarried, which you are. It is no one's business. Only people close to you need to know more.

But the idea of a stigma is really old-fashioned anyway. Where do you live?

 

I live in the states, i just don't get what is the big deal with been divorced, is it because i am young? I mean i see this with older women and they dont have an issue but i do get faces and weird reactions from people when i mention im divorced i dont know why. I don't regret ever been married, i married the love of my life we were together for 9 years married for 2 on our wedding we were both the happiest we could be and it just didnt work out at the end, and i am making mends with that but people see it as a horribly bad thing to be divorced! Makes me truly doubt myself as though there is something wrong with me :( because i didn't succeed at marriage, i mean we were just too toxic for each other and truly unhealthy for one another and it is better this way.Yet the whole label of divorced kind of haunts me.

Edited by down hearted
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I have not experienced this. I live in a place that is fairly accepting of it (they don't love it but they don't ostracize you either).

 

Occasionally, some married person will get all haughty on me or pity me, but once I notice how miserable they are (and hiding it) my pity turns onto them.

 

And then there are people who are outright delighted by it.

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I live in the states, i just don't get what is the big deal with been divorced, is it because i am young? I mean i see this with older women and they dont have an issue but i do get faces and weird reactions from people when i mention im divorced i dont know why. I don't regret ever been married, i married the love of my life we were together for 9 years married for 2 on our wedding we were both the happiest we could be and it just didnt work out at the end, and i am making mends with that but people see it as a horribly bad thing to be divorced! Makes me truly doubt myself as though there is something wrong with me :( because i didn't succeed at marriage, i mean we were just too toxic for each other and truly unhealthy for one another and it is better this way.Yet the whole label of divorced kind of haunts me.

 

I agree w/ LoveMyCat. Unless there is a specific legal reason to tell people what your status is, I would just tell people you're single, because you are. A. It's nobody's business but yours B. The people who really know you either won't care or will know that it doesn't make you a "failure." Anyone who judges you as a failure for being divorced or not having kids (whether married or not) isn't worth wasting your time worrying about anyway.

Edited by KBarletta
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Sorry to hear you're going through this. People often say things without thinking. They make facial expressions without realizing they're doing it. They probably aren't deliberately trying to make you feel bad about the divorce.

 

I agree with pegnose, you'll feel more confident in yourself in time. Best of luck to you!

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Return the favor by saying "Yeah, he just wasn't the right one. I'm just glad I found out so soon, imagine being married to the wrong person for the rest of your life...!" to make them insecure.

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Try not to let it get you down because everyone has different experiences which mould the way they see and understand the world. If people are judgmental or can't believe it, just leave that to them and don't take it on board. Or just say you're single or unmarried as previously suggested. Maybe they are rather naive or immature or maybe they have some expectation of you.

 

I get the opposite about being unmarried. Sometimes I feel like telling people I am divorced, even though I've never been married. It would satisfy some people. I know someone who's mother was so disappointed with them for not being married, she said she doesn't care if she marries the wrong one and then gets divorced as long as she gets married. I mean, really, I find this quite an irresponsible pressure to put on someone. So you see, you are more mature than others in your thinking.

 

In some societies it's taboo to be divorced and also it's taboo to be single. Either way you cannot satisfy people who don't realise that marriage is not the be-all and end-all of life. It happens when it happens and plays out differently for differently individuals. I have a friend who has a live-in boyfriend, cats and no kids. She never wants kids or marriage and she is happier than people I know who are married with kids. Is she less successful? Some people unfortunately do use marriage and kids as a yardstick for success but just ignore is as it is not the reality of life.

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