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Bad weekend, Bad day......


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Movingforward2

XW and I been divorced a year. We have been off and on and in November we kind of stopped seeing each other. Friday afternoon, I notice a truck at my old house (obviously not my truck) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Moving on is hard as hell. What made it worse is I knew it was then time to sell "our" / her home which had both kept us tied up.

 

 

I finally stuck the sign in the yard on Sunday night. It has been a long 18 months, but it's finally getting to the point it's really over. For that time, as with so many others I really thought and believed at some point we could work it out. First time I've really not answered texts or calls from her, and just trying to keep space. Brutal.

 

 

Hope everyone has a great day........just needed to let it out!

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Movingforward, I have read some of your past threads, and it really sounds like you have been put through the wringer the past few years. I feel for you and I hope this marks the beginning of the end of your pain.

 

Honestly, I think this is a good case study in the importance of maintaining NC for healing. I know each situation is different, but it seems that keeping options open with your ExW and going through this back and forth, on and off situation has kept your pain more fresh, kind of like picking at a scab. I hope you are able to stick to NC, truly heal this time and move on.

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Movingforward2

On the NC....tough to do with daughters, but her texts are pretty much an attempt for us to keep communicating. I didn't answer and was out with another woman. She kept blowing my phone up over something she knew the answer to. I hadn't spoke with her today, and will have to see her tonight, but gonna just avoid her at all costs.

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On the NC....tough to do with daughters, but her texts are pretty much an attempt for us to keep communicating. I didn't answer and was out with another woman. She kept blowing my phone up over something she knew the answer to. I hadn't spoke with her today, and will have to see her tonight, but gonna just avoid her at all costs.

 

I understand - I have a daughter with WW. I will say, though, that we have kept our contact limited to texts and e-mails and 99 percent of the time about our daughter and drop-off times, school related issues, etc. I haven't engaged my wife on any non-essential topic whatsoever, nor have I deliberately seen her face to face. It does help.

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Movingforward2

Should have done it a year ago. I don't feel like I wasted my time and effort, it's just disappointing when you don't recognize that person anymore. My XW also just walked away, and it was shocking to a lot of folks. We had a great life, a great home, great kids, jobs, to this day I will never understand it. Friends can't figure it out, and her best friend can't either. Very surreal.

 

Saw her tonight, we didn't even speak. I walked away to avoid her during our daughter's game. First time ever we haven't spoken, sat together or enjoyed our child's sporting events. So weird. Even last year 2 months post divorced, we still went to all the games together, and also went out to eat afterwards. Tonight, just got in the car and drove straight home.

 

Definitely extended the pain and hurt. Friday was a very sobering day. Even though we have been split up for 3-4 months, our daughter's graduation and so many things we have to take care of. Been a nightmare that doesn't end for sure.

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Wow movingforward, I hate to say this but your screen name is simply not true! You have not been moving forward at all. I had to re-read what you wrote in your original post here to verify, you say you divorced a year ago and you two are still playing long lost lovers? No offense but WTF?

 

I thought I was the "can't get over it" poster child. I felt dragged along and, honestly, used. I felt that 7 1/2 months post split yet still married was excessive. You have given me a new perspective!

 

While you have children to concern yourself over, I (and again I hate to say this) believe what just happened to you is not only for the best at this point, but should have happened a year ago!

 

It sounds to me like she is playing with you. You still care (obviously) and want her back, and because of that, you are putty in her hands. She had it all! Custody of the house and kids, a new lover and you to have fun with. When she got bored, let's go f*ck with his feelings some more, it's a hoot!

 

Definitely ignore her from now on! In fact, text her one more time to tell her you won't be playing that game anymore, you know how it really is, and you're done! That way she won't be guessing when you don't reply, she will know why. It won't take many unanswered texts before she gets it.

 

Obviously you must reply when it's about your kids. When you do, it's strictly business. No fun, no games, no dates, nothing! Just business.

 

My best to you! You have been living in purgatory for a year and a half, and I can't imagine how crappy that must be! 7 1/2 months is more than long enough! I'm going to give you the same advice I gave Lion Heart: Take a good look in the mirror and develop some good old-fashioned hatred for this woman! I have done this and it is working wonders. Please don't be her catspaw anymore!

 

Ken

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Movingforward2

Ken,

 

Appreciate the thoughts. Everyone's situation is different and unique. Even though I still have feelings for her, I am still attempting to move forward. I've done everything I know to do........been on dates with plenty of women, doing the same thing. It just hasn't been any better on the other side my man. I don't have any hatred for her.....She is the mother of my kids, and a good person. She has issues like anyone else, and I do sincerely want her to be happy.....just wish it was "us 4" vs. the alternative.

 

I won't be texting her anymore to even tell her "leave me alone" - my actions will speak louder than that. She isn't the person I thought she was, and has turned into something I don't recognize at this point.

 

Like many on here that have been stuck in a rut.......we all have up and down days. Just posting to get it off my chest as I had nowhere to b**** about it for a couple days.

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Ken,

 

Appreciate the thoughts. Everyone's situation is different and unique. Even though I still have feelings for her, I am still attempting to move forward. I've done everything I know to do........been on dates with plenty of women, doing the same thing. It just hasn't been any better on the other side my man. I don't have any hatred for her.....She is the mother of my kids, and a good person. She has issues like anyone else, and I do sincerely want her to be happy.....just wish it was "us 4" vs. the alternative.

 

I won't be texting her anymore to even tell her "leave me alone" - my actions will speak louder than that. She isn't the person I thought she was, and has turned into something I don't recognize at this point.

 

Like many on here that have been stuck in a rut.......we all have up and down days. Just posting to get it off my chest as I had nowhere to b**** about it for a couple days.

 

Yeah my friend, I get the "don't recognize her" thing. I have been thinking the same! What happened to the woman I asked to marry me? She's gone! Dead! Don't really know. all I know is it's not my fault :-P lol I wish you the best!!!

 

Sorry to deride you. I was simply amazed, but as you say, it's so easy to get in the rut. I wish only the best for my wife and her daughter too, and I would never do anything to harm their future happiness, but I also know she's never going to be happy. That neither has a good nor bad emotional impact, since she is bringing it on herself. For my step daughter, I sincerely hope she can get away and be happy. She is the singly most loving and wonderful girl I know, and it pains me that the only person she has left in her life is my STBX. While STBX has her positive attributes (enough for me to ask her to marry me), she is really screwed up in many ways.

 

I hope you can find a new love and companion. Companionship is the real key I think! At least at my age. Take care and good fortune!!

 

Ken

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She is a good person.

 

She isn't the person I thought she was, and has turned into something I don't recognize at this point.

 

The first quote is clinging to the person you thought she was. The second one is recognizing the reality that she no longer is that person. In a way, you seem stuck between these two: Old perception vs. Current reality. I urge you to stick to the reality, that she is no longer the person you thought she was. Yes, she will always be the mother of your children and, thus, will always play a role in your life. What that role is, though, is in large part up to you. You can choose to keep your distance and only engage her if and when it is absolutely necessary to ensure your children are happy and cared for, OR you can continue to engage her and forget how she has treated you. I urge you to opt for the one that is best for you, and you know which one that is.

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outthewindow

Why can't someone be both a good person and not the person you thought they were?

 

I think my ex is both of those things, and mostly it's my own fault on the second part... He's not the person I THOUGHT HE WAS. In reality, he's always been the same. He's not right for me but that doesn't make him a bad person, just bad for me.

 

Movingforward I think everyone comes to the acceptance stage at different times. Yes, she's been messing you around, and yes, you probably should have stopped her doing that a while ago, but you're doing that now, and it's not easy, so we'll done!

 

I wish you all the best with letting go... You might slip up occasionally, but don't beat yourself up about it too much, you'll get there in the end.

 

Onwards and upwards!

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Why can't someone be both a good person and not the person you thought they were?

 

It's not that you can't, but if someone has "turned into someone you don't recognize," how can you say you really know what kind of person they are?

 

There's the person you once knew and the person you are dealing with now. OP needs to base his actions on the person he sees now, that's all.

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Movingforward2

Regardless, we are at Day 4 of NC even with kids. She called 5x yesterday, and texted numerous times. Had my daughter call and leave a voicemail last night. Then had my daughter text me........I finally texted her back to tell her I was ok, and will see her tomorrow. She did ask me about 10 times what I was doing.......which was literally nothing, I just didn't answer and told her I would see her tomorrow.

 

As far as "turned into someone I don't recognize" - I see her some of those days, then see the other person I don't know on others. That's why it was hard to break off.....one day "one big happy family" - the next day or weekend....it's the single life.

 

I've done the same thing.......done the family life, then left and went to meet a different woman. I can assure you it doesn't make you feel any better.....LOL. It's like a weird confusing mist/cloud that is hard to get out of......

 

Obviously, my situation is somewhat different than most I read on here, and most I've encountered where folks were able to move forward much quicker. The "scab phrase" and been through the ringer are correct statements for sure.

 

At points, I have felt it would have just been easier if I would have been cheated on, and I could have just ditched it and moved on. That's where I got stuck. I would read too much into the family time, vacations, etc. and that's on me for doing that. Kind of hard not to, when it's been the same thing for years and years.

 

As for the dating life........I hadn't met anyone that I just think is worth a ______ to just give up on the family. That's another problem. I've done counseling, improved myself, got a life coach, work my tail off, am a great dad, have everything you could ever want, and still daily try to find some peace in dealing with this grind. I wasn't in a mental position to date a year ago......now I am, and it blows.

 

I probably should have wrote and journaled on this board just to get all the crap out daily.......I might do that for awhile to bust out of this mess. Best part about the spring is I stay really, really busy and don't have time to deal with it, date, or think about this dumb crap. It's really stupid and a time-waster, but when you are caught up in it......it completely sucks......I actually feel better just typing this mess out. LOL.

 

Hope everyone has a great day! Gonna go watch some NCAA hoops.....it get's better boys. Just not quite "there" yet.

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Regardless, we are at Day 4 of NC even with kids. She called 5x yesterday, and texted numerous times. Had my daughter call and leave a voicemail last night. Then had my daughter text me........I finally texted her back to tell her I was ok, and will see her tomorrow. She did ask me about 10 times what I was doing.......which was literally nothing, I just didn't answer and told her I would see her tomorrow.

 

As far as "turned into someone I don't recognize" - I see her some of those days, then see the other person I don't know on others. That's why it was hard to break off.....one day "one big happy family" - the next day or weekend....it's the single life.

 

I've done the same thing.......done the family life, then left and went to meet a different woman. I can assure you it doesn't make you feel any better.....LOL. It's like a weird confusing mist/cloud that is hard to get out of......

 

Obviously, my situation is somewhat different than most I read on here, and most I've encountered where folks were able to move forward much quicker. The "scab phrase" and been through the ringer are correct statements for sure.

 

At points, I have felt it would have just been easier if I would have been cheated on, and I could have just ditched it and moved on. That's where I got stuck. I would read too much into the family time, vacations, etc. and that's on me for doing that. Kind of hard not to, when it's been the same thing for years and years.

 

As for the dating life........I hadn't met anyone that I just think is worth a ______ to just give up on the family. That's another problem. I've done counseling, improved myself, got a life coach, work my tail off, am a great dad, have everything you could ever want, and still daily try to find some peace in dealing with this grind. I wasn't in a mental position to date a year ago......now I am, and it blows.

 

I probably should have wrote and journaled on this board just to get all the crap out daily.......I might do that for awhile to bust out of this mess. Best part about the spring is I stay really, really busy and don't have time to deal with it, date, or think about this dumb crap. It's really stupid and a time-waster, but when you are caught up in it......it completely sucks......I actually feel better just typing this mess out. LOL.

 

Hope everyone has a great day! Gonna go watch some NCAA hoops.....it get's better boys. Just not quite "there" yet.

 

 

She's calling you five times a day? That is excessive unless there is some kind of emergency. I think you may need to make it perfectly clear to your ExW that your wish is to remain in contact with her only to the extent that it involves your kids, and that calling 5 times and constantly checking up on you is unacceptable. You're divorced and she is seeing someone else, no?

Your life focus now is taking the best possible care of your kids and taking the best possible care of yourself.

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Movingforward2

I have no clue what she is doing or seeing. I don't ask, or want to know. I don't stalk her.....don't check her facebook, twitter, etc.

 

My focus is on those priorities my man.......but when that's going on, who knows.

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Movingforward2

Just a little update to get some online therapy. House is on the market....had several folks come look. Really don't want to say goodbye to the neighborhood and our friends, but the time is coming.

 

 

That house was our first house 10 years ago, and hard to believe in 30-60 days it will gone....but it will be a good fresh start.

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That house was our first house 10 years ago, and hard to believe in 30-60 days it will gone....but it will be a good fresh start.

 

Understood, selling the house post-divorce was a tough one for me also. We had put a lot of thought, effort and cash into some of the custom features.

 

Although have to say overhearing the new owners talk about everything they were going to rip out and and replace was a perfect metaphor ;) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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