Til death do you part?

[You Know You Know]

Back in the late 80's or early 90's my family owned a business in the small town where I live. One of our customers was a woman who was probably in her 60's at that time. My father used to dread seeing her because he knew what was coming.

 

Whenever this woman would do business with us, she would say things about this certain man, and then start crying. She did this EVERY time, and I never knew why because she didn't really go into too many specifics.

 

I finally asked my father why she cried all the time. He tells me that when she was younger she had married this man. I guess the love of her life. He then tells me that they hadn't been married but a few weeks or something when her husband was drafted to go fight in WWII. Her husband leaves to fight overseas, and he is killed in action shortly after.

 

Dad then tells me that she never got over it. She never re-married and never had children of her own. For 40 plus years after her husbands death, she was still devoted to him. I don't know personally if I could have endured that without trying to move on.

 

I guess what I am getting at is why does it seem like so few married couples are devoted to each other anymore? It's so easy to give up and just get divorced, I guess. As a divorcee, I know the pain that comes with it and how it feels when the other gives up. Then you have no choice but to give up.

 

Maybe this post doesn't make sense and I am just rambling. It was just a notion I had in my mind.

[BetrayedH]

I can relate. I had similar romantic notions of marriage. Then after 18 years together, I found my wife had been in a physical and emotional affair for over a year. I wasn't abusive or an addict or any kind of drastic let-down as a husband or a father. I was a normal guy. We owned our own home that we'd had built; we had two good careers, two beautiful kids, two nice cars, two pets, blah, blah, blah. Most of our friends and family approached us for marital and relationship advice. Even though she rarely wanted to have sex, I would have stayed with her forever. Even after discovering the affair, I tried to reconcile with her but she kept fouling it up with more lies. The last one did me in and we both threw in the towel. Such a waste.

[You Know You Know]

I can relate. I had similar romantic notions of marriage. Then after 18 years together, I found my wife had been in a physical and emotional affair for over a year. I wasn't abusive or an addict or any kind of drastic let-down as a husband or a father. I was a normal guy. We owned our own home that we'd had built; we had two good careers, two beautiful kids, two nice cars, two pets, blah, blah, blah. Most of our friends and family approached us for marital and relationship advice. Even though she rarely wanted to have sex, I would have stayed with her forever. Even after discovering the affair, I tried to reconcile with her but she kept fouling it up with more lies. The last one did me in and we both threw in the towel. Such a waste.

 

I hate to hear that. The same thing happened to me. I understand that sometimes divorce is the only option such as with abuse or the like. Your situation is saddening to me because it takes me back to a few years ago. You aren't alone in how you feel. I've been there. Hope you can find some peace.

[LoveMyCat]

Well, this woman did not live through a long marriage, which comes with pain and disappointment, no matter how devoted a couple is. Not to mention the day-to-day irritations. Who knows if their marriage would have lasted a lifetime, had they been allowed to find out?

 

I do agree that divorce is obviously more common now, but a lot of that has to do with the laws, and the dropping of certain requirements in most states (i.e having to prove infidelity, or "fake" infidelity if none occurred). But also things changed for women over the decades. More work full time, can support their kids on their own and are not willing to settle for a bad marriage for the sake of appearances. I would be willing to bet that many longtime "happily married" couples have come close to divorce at some point, or maybe stay together for religious or financial reasons. Not to sat all-my parents seemed happy together for their fifty-plus years together.

 

I think we all marry intending for it to be forever...but people in general are less willing to be miserable and divorce does not have such a stigma as it once did.

[carhill]

The elderly lady's anecdote underscores a potential dynamic which can apply to other relationships where a combination of limerance and unfinished business can leave a person emotionally 'stuck' for a long time, though perhaps not until death.

 

IMO, based on her account, she was solidly bonded and in the early, passionate stage of bonding, something which happened more after marriage than before, since people dated less and married sooner back then, when her husband both left her to fight in the war and then was KIA, snuffed out suddenly and without any 'goodbye'. The emotional shock left her in a limbo state, existing and functioning but often in another place when 'triggered', often by innocuous events. I like to describe it as a tape replaying, over and over again.

 

I saw a more moderate version of this in my own mother, who did have a full M for her spouses life and buried him. In her case, she retained active symbols of their M and life together and simply never became involved with another man for the rest of her life, nearly a quarter century. As she put it, he was the man for her and that was that. In fact, she wore her wedding rings regularly until I removed them after she became demented.

 

I think this perspective exists in my generation but it's rare and, if one didn't catch one of those examples early-on, like late teens, they're living it, till death do they part, and the rest, well, they do what they do, which isn't that so one simply doesn't meet folks with that mindset. As far as the younger generations, I have no idea.

 

FWIW, I saw a lot of devoted couples, again older ones, after institutional care began for my mom. Spouses would be in daily, feeding and caring for a spouse who didn't even recognize them anymore. I didn't talk to many, respecting their privacy, but the care was communal and some interacted a bit and most I talked with had been married for decades, similar to my parents.

 

Maybe 'till death do us part' has simply gone out of style. IDK.

[Echo74]

So true, it's sad that so many people give up so easily.

 

My mom was married to my dad for over 50 years till he passed on. She put up with him doing his own thing (bowling & playing poker) while she was raising us kids. He was sort of a curmudgeon as well but she put up with this because she always believed that "you make your bed, you sleep in it."

 

My husbands grandfather died when grandma was in her late 50's and never remarried, was alone for the next 30 years. Sadly, that sentiment didn't rub off on my (separated) husband. Every marriage has it's issues, people need to learn to communicate and compromise.

[No Limit]

Should I ever meet a human being that I would actually trust and love to the point of wanting to marry - from both sides - to be honest, I wouldn't replace him, even after death. For me this isn't something about "giving up", I'm just overall a very, very loyal character.

[KBarletta]

I think we all marry intending for it to be forever...but people in general are less willing to be miserable and divorce does not have such a stigma as it once did.

 

 

These statements are very true, but I do think based on the people I talk to and what I read here that a lot of people who find themselves "miserable" decide to blame their marriages rather than looking within themselves for the real source of their unhappiness. Or they allow their "misery" to poison what otherwise could be a happy relationship but are unwilling to explore whether the unhappy marriage is the root problem, or just a symptom of something larger. Sometimes, people find themselves just as miserable or more so after they escape what they thought was causing them the most grief.

 

Granted, there are bad marriages, and people have a right to leave them. But there also are people who blame their unhappiness on circumstances outside themselves instead of looking within, where the real problem exists.

 

Just my $0.02.