chasen_the_cycle Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 While I struggle with what to title this post, I'll start typing out what I'm going through with the hope that I can gain some perspective and clarity from the community here. Hope this doesn't get too long... I am currently married to a woman I fell in love with while married to my first wife. We are just coming up on our 1 year anniversary of marriage, and have been together for 2 years...she has a 13 year old son, I have no childredn. I was married for almost 11 years the first time, and had a deep disconnect from her for the last three our four years of our marriage. I met my current wife at work...she was my admin assistant. This got us in some trouble at work and I was let go, but rehired in an entry level position. That lasted a few months before I moved on to a new job, in which I am extremely happy professionally now. Our struggles began about four months in to our relationship when my then stbx let me know that one of our dogs had cancer and was given just a couple of weeks to live. The dogs were our kids as we had no children, and this hit me hard, confused me at the time to the point of making a major issue of it over a weekend. This was really hard on my girlfriend as I made remarks about not knowing what I wanted and she took that as me wanting to get back together with my ex. I didn't, but I was not able to convince her of that...still to this day I don't think she believes me. We began fighting pretty regularly, but I kinda just looked past it as I loved how we made each other feel, and the life we envisioned matched up to each other. We were engaged a couple months later, and the fighting continued. She says I gave her many red flags along the way, and looking back on it, I see the red flags on my part, but I also saw them on her part that I looked past. I'll fast forward a bit because our fighting and arguing was pretty much the same for the next year or so...other than a month or two when we got married in Mexico when things were really great. We've both had a few meltdowns since then, and I began to really start to disconnect emotionally and stopped communicating...something I was really pretty good at to begin with. It was here that I committed infidelity. I had a short physical affair (3 days) with a woman I met on the road during a business trip. I kept this a secret until February this year...but let me back up just a bit. Fall of 2014 was awful. Not only did I have an affair, but our fighting became worse than ever. We got in to an argument one evening that became physical when she hit me three times in the back of the head, and I forcefully set her down on the couch to get her to stop. I called the police to get her to move her car so I could get mine out (since lane driveway)...and I ended up getting arrested for domestic abuse. That charge didn't stick and was dropped, but after that, I began planning my exit. In December, I surprised her with a note when she got home from work one day stating that I had moved out...I moved out ALL of my personal effects, with no intent to return. Well that lasted all of three days, and I began to really see how manipulative she can be. She is REALLY good at it...when she is good, she is REALLY good...when she is bad, she is REALLY bad, and that is where our fights stem from. I have always been an extremely laid back person, and she is an extremely anxious person, even taking medication for a couple of years for her anxiety. We butt heads all the time because of this. So I moved back in to the house and we decided to give it one more shot. We have both been to individual counseling, and are currently going to marriage counseling. I am so low on confidence that this will work that it's hard for me to see any positive. Next week I am starting a new session of individual counseling. She says she doesn't need it. Red flag??? I work from home, and I spend a lot of my time dreaming about being single, having an apartment, doing my own thing, not worrying about someone else, managing my own money, and basically just getting back to the person I once was. I get anxiety of my own now every day when she comes home because I never know what kind of mood I'm going to be met with, and I am just not comfortable in my own home anymore. I want to be, but it's been so long since I've felt that way that I just can't see the hope on the horizon...if it's really even there. I'm sorry I ranted on and on, but I hope someone has some time to read through this and offer something...anything...for me to find some clarity. I have great support from my family and friends, and I am really looking forward to starting my individual counseling sessions next week. I need to find myself and be myself again, and I'm just afraid that staying in this marriage is just going to keep sucking that away...sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chasen_the_cycle Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Oh...and I'm afraid the 'cycle of violence' is very present in our marriage. I don't think she will get physical again after what happened, but I think our fighting will continue on the same cylce...I just don't know what the time frames will be. I have a problem with secrets and lying as well...counseling sessions for that too... Edited March 4, 2015 by chasen_the_cycle Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 You allowed your first marriage to die and replaced it with a completely toxic one, with a feeble attempt to escape that pressure through a mini affair. Yeah, I think IC and being single would do you good. And yes, her becoming violent and not wanting IC is a red flag because that means for her violence is no big deal, yet it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Chasen, you are making a whole lotta poor choices with women. Keep in IC until you can find out why you are unable to cope with conflict and repeatedly detach from people you love. Jumping into affairs or participating in domestic abuse is clearly toxic to all involved. You are just going to bring your baggage into the next relationship, and the next etc. etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I'm sorry I ranted on and on, but I hope someone has some time to read through this and offer something...anything...for me to find some clarity. Everything that's occurred has been a result of the choices you've made. You decide to get out of a bad marriage by having an affair (with your secretary ) Your marry your affair partner despite many red flags In the first year of your 2nd marriage, you have another affair You get arrested for domestic violence You're not honest with either spouse You break up with #2 by leaving her a note My friend, you're your own worst enemy... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chasen_the_cycle Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Chasen, you are making a whole lotta poor choices with women. Keep in IC until you can find out why you are unable to cope with conflict and repeatedly detach from people you love. Jumping into affairs or participating in domestic abuse is clearly toxic to all involved. You are just going to bring your baggage into the next relationship, and the next etc. etc. Tell me about it...I'm not sure what happened to my decision making ability when it comes to women, but I am lost in my own head. I'm really looking forward to my IC starting next week. Everything that's occurred has been a result of the choices you've made. You decide to get out of a bad marriage by having an affair (with your secretary ) Your marry your affair partner despite many red flags In the first year of your 2nd marriage, you have another affair You get arrested for domestic violence You're not honest with either spouse You break up with #2 by leaving her a note My friend, you're your own worst enemy... Mr. Lucky Talk about nail on the head here...yeah, I agree with each point you made Lucky. What I can't figure out at this point is why I haven't yet been able to follow through with leaving this relationship. I've had so many opportunities, and I know things will be better for me to clear my head and rediscover myself once I get to that point. I'm really hoping that my IC sessions will reveal my path forward, along with advice from others here and family/friends... Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Tell me about it...I'm not sure what happened to my decision making ability when it comes to women, but I am lost in my own head. I'm really looking forward to my IC starting next week. It appears from what you have posted that women are simply objects that you engage in relationship with only when it meets your needs. I hate to be so blunt and I am not being judgmental but this is not a healthy way to approach marriage or any other relationship. Women don't want to be used - no more than you want to be used. You do realize that "emotional disconnection" takes place in every marriage unless you are purposeful in maintaining it. This requires a commitment of love that doesn't bail out when trouble shows up. I commend you for IC and recommend a book called Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by James Dobson. Do you think you are really going find happiness by simply ending another marriage and being "single" again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chasen_the_cycle Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 I have no illusions that ending this marriage and being single will make me happy again, but I do feel that staying in this marriage will not bring happiness because of the emotional abuse and controlling atmosphere I live in. Thanks for the book recommendation...Dobson is phenomenal. I don't feel that I have ever looked at women as objects to use to get what I want...and I can't blame you for being blunt. I actually really appreciate that. I know that I am to blame for my actions and reactions, but I feel as though I wouldn't be in these situations if it weren't for her controlling nature (she fully admits this, btw). My first marriage was really wonderful for about 6 years, and when we began to drift apart, neither of us engaged in recognition of it. Now I feel I fully recognize what is going on, but I just don't really WANT to engage in fixing anything because of what we've been through...from what everyone tells me, from family and friends to my first IC, this is a cycle and it will happen again, and I just don't want that...I don't want the cycle to continue, and I know I can be a better person if I make a change for me and break the cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chasen_the_cycle Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Well I had my first session of IC this week, and it went well, getting most of the timeline down and things to talk about as we get in to them. One thing that stood out for me is that she asked me, "If you knew all of this would happen when you got together and married, would you do it again?" My surprise came when I immediately answered "no". I didn't even think about it...that made me sad. It's really hard to have these feelings of regret of this marriage, knowing that I do love her on some level. I want to leave, don't know how... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts