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This is my first time posting here, but am thankful for the site. I really need some perspective here, from both the female and male side.

 

My wife and I have been through much during the past few years. We have been married for 21 years, and we have 4 children. Our marriage, for the first 18 years of it, essentially was not unlike what has been spoken of in the "50 Shades" book and movie. Although I have not seen the movie nor read the book, I know enough. It was mostly about sex, and that sex was controlled by me. That control was fueled by a pornography addiction, which my wife knew about, but I did not recognize it as an addiction really until I began chatting online at times several years ago. My wife was a willing participant in our sexual time together. However, as one might imagine, this could only last so long. Over the last three years, my wife has been in recovery for codependency and is healing from the trauma and wounding that I have caused her. Over the past three years, as I have been in sexual addiction recovery, we have had two separations, but we are living together now, and have been for many months. As people, we have both changed dramatically over these last three years, as I am able to say that I have been living a sober, honest, true life, absent from porn addiction, and all that involves. My wife has changed emotionally as well, and is a much stronger person. Despite all of these positive changes, we find ourselves in total disconnect sexually. What used to compose 95% of our marriage, now occupies 0% of our marriage. We are asexual, as we have had sex maybe 5 times during the past 3 years. We get along very well, are friends, are like-minded, and I love her many amazing qualities.

 

But during the past three years, physically two things have happened: I have gotten into great shape, losing about 25 pounds, exercising frequently, and feel good about that, and my wife has gained about that much in weight. I desperately want to be able to enjoy her sexually, but I am very sight-oriented, and I do not desire her sexually due to her weight gain. I know it may sound shallow, and I do not mean to be so, but it is what it is. I want to "lust" after my wife, to be aroused sexually by not only how she looks, but how she carries herself. I do love her very much, but I also realize that the absence of sexual attraction can only last so long. Right now I am sitting in this lack of sexual desire, which is neither good for me or her, hoping she will get in shape...what can I do?

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But during the past three years, physically two things have happened: I have gotten into great shape, losing about 25 pounds, exercising frequently, and feel good about that, and my wife has gained about that much in weight.

 

So you were 25 lbs overweight but your wife felt enough for you that she hung in through 18 years of sex addiction and recovery?

 

And now she's 25 lbs overweight and, on that basis, you're ready to reject her?

 

Hmmmm....

 

Mr. Lucky

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outthewindow

Talk to her honestly and gently about how you feel. You may want to do this in a couples counseling session or with just the two of you.

 

Don't tell her you aren't attracted to her cos she's fat, tell he you're worried about your lack of sex in general and what that could mean for your relationship.

 

You could also ask her to join you in excercise...

 

Her weight gain and lack of interest could be a protection mechanism if your addiction hurt her deeply...

 

Just my two cents.

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It sounds to me like you and your wife need to see a sex therapist. Have you done that together? I presume (though I could be wrong) that there was therapy involved in beating your addiction?

 

To be blunt, you seem like you have separated sex and love in your head, when for a married couple they should be more connected. If you love your wife as much as you say, you should still want to be with her sexually whether she's 25 pounds overweight or not. We're not talking about someone who has become morbidly obese and unrecognizable, we're talking about relatively moderate weight gain.

 

I am curious as to who initiates your encounters when you do have them? Is one of you rejecting the other or does neither of you express much interest in sex with the other?

 

That said, I also think her getting in shape is a conversation worth having if it is important to you, though I wouldn't put it in terms of your attraction to her (a recipe for disaster) but frame it as 1. Her getting healthier so you can have a long, healthy life together and 2. You having more things to do together. Also, her being more physically active is likely to spark more interest in sex anyway.

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There is another possibility.

 

You might STILL be suffering from years of damage you did to yourself and your wife from your porn addiction.

 

It could be that you lost the "lust" for your wife many,many,MANY years ago, because you conditioned your mind to make yourself "perform" with her, with the aid of pornography. And since you've taken that away, you can no longer feel an incentive to have sex with your wife. I think that has to do more with what you are feeling towards her, than her actual weight gain.

 

I think the fact that after 20+ years of marriage, you still have a predominant "visual orientation" means your mind is still trained to react to the pornography you've gotten it used to. Try to see if you can't perform with a blindfold on. I'm willing to bet you can't. And if that ends up being the case then it's something SHE can't fix now is it?

 

It's like someone who has smoked for 20 years. Just because they stopped suddenly, doesn't mean there aren't going to be repercussions to their lungs. The damage is already done.

 

I totally agree with KBarletta. A sex therapist would be a very wise next step.

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Ok let me try to explain this from the perspective of a woman who has been in a similar situation.

 

First, you and your wife learned to relate to each other sexually with porn and whatever else you were into. Now the porn and whatever else is gone. So how do you connect sexually now? How do you get the intensity and lust going now?

 

As far as I can figure, you'll either have to re-institute the porn+, re-institute the not porn stuff and/or find a completely new way to connect with intensity and lust.

 

Doing the above will require open and honest communication, trust, and a sense of humor to laugh it off when something you try bombs.

 

Second, your wife should lose weight both for her health and for the health of your sex life. However, losing weight and being healthy takes time and support. You watching your diets and exercising as a couple would be ideal. You could support and inspire each other, maybe have some fun competition, and you'd both be getting the anti-depressant effects of physical activity.

 

While working on the physical fitness and weight loss issues you'll be working on finding ways to connect and have steamy hot sex. Which means you're going to have to see the beauty in your wife's heavier body. To do that I recommend looking at photos of larger women that showcase the appeal to be found in a fuller figure. Hopefully, seeing such beauty would help you appreciate your wife's figure and increase her physical appeal to you. Leonard Nemoy, RIP, did beautiful photos of plus size women and so have others. You could also Google images of, say, plus size corsets or lingerie.

 

Also, your wife may not be acting sexy because she isn't being treated like a sexy woman. It's a feedback loop. You treat her like a sexy woman and she will feel like a sexy woman. When she feels sexy she moves, speaks, thinks differently. Those changes in mannerism make her more appealing to you, which makes you treat her like a sexy woman.

 

Talk to her. Tell her you want to make things right. Tell her you want to work on having a better marriage and better sex life. Tell her you want to really freely openly and honestly communicate about your problems and how to solve them, etc. Offer to go to counseling if you already aren't. It will take work and it won't be easy, but it's worth it.

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