OceanMist Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I have been married for 22 years and want to end my marriage. I have been unhappy for a long time, but I also have depression. My husband thinks that it is my depression that is making me think I will be happier if we split up. I feel certain that I want to end the marriage, but I can't even be sure myself of how much the depression is affecting my thoughts & feelings. Right now I feel 100% certain that I will be happier if we split up because I don't love him and I don't think I can ever achieve true intimacy with him. I don't want to live my life without intimacy and I don't want to live a life of cheating to get it. But again, I'm back to not knowing where the depression ends and reality begins. Has anyone ended their relationship while they were depressed and regretted it? Link to post Share on other sites
Willow82 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) No I haven't. But I am well aware that depressed people lose feelings of love. I urge you to not end your marriage! Please work on therapy and meds. Edited March 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Do NOT make life-changing decisions while clinically depressed!!! Why are you not being treated (or why isn't the treatment working?) If you are diagnosed as being clinically depressed, I would hope that you would be receiving treatment. Sometimes it may need to be adjusted to see benefit. Where are you with that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 My husband, who was experiencing depression and other health problems, asked me to move out in December. We have been married for twenty years. To be honest, I was relieved, as I did not want to be the one to suggest a separation or divorce, even though we were both very unhappy. I was also having bouts of depression, brought on by our situation and his paranoia and passive/aggressive behavior. I do not know if he is regretting his request. We have been having some basic email contact as needed, and he sometimes emails me to tell me about something of interest he read, etc. We have not spoken, or seen one another since I moved in mid-December. I am realizing how miserable and unhappy I really was, as I feel like great weights have been lifted. My health has improved, physically and mentally. I am not sure his has improved, though I really hope he takes charge of himself, gets on the right medications and addresses his physical health issues (mainly high blood pressure and asthma). He is due to retire soon and I really want him to have a chance at some years of happiness, as he has been so unhappy for years, mostly due to his job, his schedule (graveyard for 25 years) and his increasing paranoia. All of this combined to make him extremely depressed. He had somehow become convinced that I went out every night and carried on with his co-workers in bars (I am 55, disabled, and the least likely person to do any of the above.) A separation may be the answer, though counseling is probably best. i am not pushing for a divorce, as he says he is not ready for that step and that he has trouble with change, which I know is true. If joint counseling is possible, try that. If not...go on your own. You may eventually need to separate or divorce to save yourself and counseling can help. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Don't end your marriage. Right now you're in no healthy frame of mind to be making such huge life changing decisions. Your depression and mindset is not processing clearly or healthy. With the help of meds and counseling you can feel better and hopefully feel whole again. Your husband loves you and I'm betting you love him as well but the depression has eaten away at you, you don't feel happy and can't feel intimately right now and of course that will affect things in your marriage. You assume it's him that you don't love and him who isn't making you happy - That's not it. Do counseling and see how you feel in 5-6 months. This will help you decipher if your depression has to do with not loving your husband and not being happy or if it's something else that is causing you to feel disconnected. How is the rest of your life? how do you cope in the outside world? Do you work or are you at home? Though think back.. Why did you marry your husband? What was it about him that made you fall in love with him? Do you two have children? How long have you been suffering from depression? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 (edited) OceanMist, your post could have been written by my wife a couple of decades ago (and LoveMyCat, there but for the grace of God go I). This is not the place to go into detail about our experiences but they do support the suggestions that you treat your depression before attempting to deal with other issues, particularly where your perception of these issues may be heavily influenced by depression. Give your husband a chance to help you get through this. Edited April 4, 2015 by Morro72 add content Link to post Share on other sites
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