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Coping with the idea of my ex being intimate with someone new


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irishbynature80

My wife and I have been seperated since February 2014 ... and that was the last time we had sex. The divorce is just now starting to happen and I thought I was in a good place again, but i'm seeing signs that she might be moving on physically with someone new and I find my thoughts preoccupied with the idea of another man touching her, making love to her, and I know I shouldn't be consumed with it, but I am and the shear thought of it makes me sick.

 

I didn't want the divorce. I'm still madly in love with her and I know this divorce is a mistake ... for her, for me, AND our two children. I know they same time is the only solution to my feelings, but when I feel like I get a few steps ahead something happens to bring me back to square one emotionally.

 

There was no abuse in our marriage. There was no infidelity that I know of. It's my belief this could've been worked out ... maybe that is just me trying to hold on to my family ... but I feel sick to my stomach with the while situation. And now that these thoughts of her making love to another man after her and I were together for 12 years ... I just don't know what to do to help get me over this.

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Majormisstep

So sorry you're in this irish.

 

She wanted out obviously but did she give you any reason why? Did you try MC and if not, try suggesting it now before it is too late. If she waffles on that then chances are there is someone else or there was considerable damage done in the M.

 

Abuse isn't the only reason why a M fails. Poor communication is a huge factor along with a number of other subtle problems that can escalate into the situation you are in today.

 

If she is 100% determined to move forward with the D, then find a local divorce group for support, be the best dad you can be for your kids and take care of yourself. Kindly and gently irish...unfortunately what she does or doesn't do with anyone else will be out of your control.

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irishbynature80

There are reasons why ... communication was the biggest reason. And it was on both of our parts, but she held the key to one huge factor. She was working overnights and we basically saw each other one day a week. So when we fought about something ... we'd go a week without seeing each other and then pick up where we left off and it became a cycle.

 

I wanted her to get different hours ... it would've benefited the whole family ... actually get quality time together. She refused. I'm not saying it would've solved the problem, but it would've helped ... i'm sure of it. All I wanted was time with her.

 

We went to one MC session and she went to 2 without me and then the plug was pulled on that and I don't know why. To this day she hasn't told me. She has checked out and probably has someone ... it's the thing that is making me sick. I can't stand the thought of another man touching her. She was my soul mate and to lose her and watch her move on is killing me inside. But I am forced to put on a front because of my kids ... they're 7 and 3 and i'm trying to shield them as best as I can ... but even they can see I love their mother and want nothing more than to be back with her.

 

She is very stubborn and won't give it another go because she's gotten it in her head that it's over. I'm sure there are people helping to put that thought in her head ... but i'm here with the water about to go over my head and I feel so trapped. This single thought seems to dominate all my other thoughts and I don't know what to do about it

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Irish,

 

I totally get what you're saying and feel your pain, as I am in the same boat. I am involved in a four-month separation that I did not want and that I think is a mistake for all involved. The funny thing is, when I told my wife early on that it was a mistake she said, "you're probably right. I'll probably regret this for the rest of my life" then of course she still did it, and here we all are nearly four months later.

 

A few suggestions:

 

1. Have you seen a therapist? Talking through these feelings with a professional can really help you gain more control over your own thoughts and emotions and give you tools to deal with these feelings so they don't consume you.

 

2. Do you keep a journal? Write these feelings down when they come, and it really helps to sort them out in your head, again, so they don't consume you and you can gain more control over them.

 

3. When you think of your wife with someone else, switch your thought process back to your own life. Think of yourself with someone else, someone who is better than your wife. I know this is not easy, especially when you are still in love with your wife (as I am) but it does help to alleviate the pain. The point is, focus on your own life, your own self and your own healing, not what she is doing.

 

4. Knock your wife off of that pedestal you have her on. She's not perfect, and she never was. There are people out there better for you than her, and you will find one. Maybe not tomorrow, but some day, and you will forget (mostly) about this pain.

 

5. Take as much joy and fulfillment as you can from your kids and from being a great dad.

 

And hang in there!

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Michelle ma Belle

I too understand the emotional roller coaster you're experiencing and the only thing I can really say is that this is all VERY normal. You're not unique or alone in what you're experiencing. Anyone who has experienced a marriage fall apart will attest to this. It's just part of the struggle.

 

Unfortunately, it is very true that at some point, when a marriage is rocky and already struggling, where one partner begins to "check out". Sometimes it's temporary but more often it's pretty final.

 

That's exactly what happened to me. Having said that, I worked very hard to mend my marriage knowing that we were heading for some serious trouble. I can rest easy at night knowing that I did all that I could to save my marriage but one person can't do it alone after all.

 

Eventually I checked out emotionally and that's when I decided it was time to move on. Perhaps it was a form of self-preservation but whatever it was it took a good long while before I got to this point and it was a result of being completely exasperated and emotionally exhausted. This was no life.

 

Ironically, it was then that my ex husband started to take interest in what was happening in our marriage but at that point it was already too late. The train had left the station as they say and it was impossible to turn it around at that point. I needed to move ahead as painful as it was for both my husband and for me.

 

And just because I may have been the one to initiate our separation/divorce, it didn't soften the painful blow when he started dating someone serious. Knowing my husband was intimate with another woman was a heartache I did not expect and one that brought me to my knees. It took a solid year plus before I was even remotely close to being okay with things.

 

I fully agree with KBarletta with the points made especially seeking therapy. Sometimes you can't move on and/or heal from this kind of pain without professional assistance. It certainly was my saving grace. Sometimes we don't realize just how delusional we can be when it comes to the people and situations closest to us. Obviously there was something very wrong in your marriage for your wife to have called it quits. It takes two people to make and break a relationship. Perhaps going to therapy will not only help you deal with your break-up but it might help you realize a few things about yourself you might not have known.

 

And that is always a good thing in my book. As they say, when you know better you do better.

 

Good luck.

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