Asking for perspectives

[kenmore]

Hey all,

 

Okay, I really suck at NC. I'm trying to do it, but needed to tell her about it first lol.

 

I just don't want to leave her hanging, I want her to know I won't respond and why. I wasn't going to tell her and last week she laid a big turd on my by telling me that (the gist was) that she was finishing our divorce and anything she said in the past about not being sure about wanting a divorce was not true.

 

So, right on schedule, yesterday she contacts me asking how I'm doing and about my career. First I ignored her, then today she emailed me some more crap about the divorce...more papers she wants me to sign. Basically signing off on the divorce, making it "uncontested" and streamlining the process. Something her paralegal can send to the court to make it a "rubber stamp". I think I'd like to drag her through the whole thing.

 

I responded by saying I got them, they are a regurgitation of our disclosures (which I agree with, but didn't say so to her.)

 

After these formalities, she again asked how I'm doing and if I'm doing open houses still. I told her that since she made it so clear last week how she feels about me and our marriage, that I don't feel it's apropos to tell her anything about my life or career anymore, and that since she doesn't care about me, to stop acting like she does and to please stop asking.

 

Her reply (sorry if this is boring you all) was "ok, I don't care about you, does that make you happy?" She's "only" worried that she will bump into me at an open house and it may "bother" me.

 

To move this long and useless conversation along, we talked about some stuff, but as usual nothing came of anything, and I ended by saying I can't sign this week and I'm not sure I want to sign it at all, I'll let her know. And ended the text with "if you no longer wish to be my spouse, then please leave me alone".

 

So, that's where it is now and I'm feeling great about going NC from here! At least I set the stage nicely and firmly, and I'm not signing her BS form.

 

The question is, and I know this will make so many of you cringe! Is: I know her very well. So well, I can predict what she will do and almost how she will feel about things, but I'm totally perplexed about the divorce. Doesn't it seem like she still wants me? Like she can't just friggin' leave me alone? I know her idea is to divorce me and "just be friends" but I made it crystal clear tonight (by comparing to two other exes who are her pansies) that I just won't! I told her so last week too, so hopefully she's getting it.

 

A tiring question from another hopeful individual, but I have accepted her power to end the marriage and her desire to do so. I'm just curious to hear what people think about it, but can anyone think of a reason she may be asking me how I'm doing and how my new career is going other than the fact that she cares? Really, if she doesn't, why would she ask? I'm seriously perplexed.

 

Also, to add to her feeling of loss (which I know she has), the car she had for a decade was destroyed by her daughter last weekend. It is a total loss. This seems to be playing on her emotions. I'm not sure how to feel about that...

 

Ken

[Ralph79]

Kenmore,

 

I'm going to admit that I'm completely projecting with my opinion here, so don't take it to heart or as fact:

 

I think spouses like yours and my ex, fail to empathize with how much we loved them. I think they do genuinely care about us, but are not in-love with us anymore, and it's easy and convenient for them to simply want to remain friends. Something that for us is very painful. I'm pretty convinced if they were head over heals for someone else, and they got the "let's remain friends" speech after a breakup from them, they'd react the same way we do.

 

Your wife is either too selfish to understand how you feel, or she fails to realize how much you really love her. She thinks your reaction is unfair or childish because demoting your relationship to a friendship is something that doesn't weight heavy on her heart.

 

You have a right to react the way you did, but I would advise you to keep yourself busy to stay calm as best as you can. It's nearly impossible but it's best in order to make the most intelligent decisions moving forward.

 

Anyways, those were just my 2 cents there.

[Arieswoman]

kenmore,

Please don't buy into this "we can divorce and still be friends" BS. All she is doing is stroking her own ego by having you hanging about waiting on her next move. She's keeping you sweet so she can get the divorce with minimum effort, so don't be fooled.

 

You are right to ignore her texts/emails but make sure you get a lawyer/solicitor and let her talk to you via him/her. If she is so keen to get divorced then you can use this to your advantage by pushing for a good settlement.

 

I'm afraid she doesn't really want you - if she did then she wouldn't be trying to divorce you.

What she does want is you as a comfort blanket while she moves from one stage of her life to the next.

Trust me, the minute her life is on track you won't see her backside for dust.

I'm sorry.

 

Get smart, get lawyered-up and get your life moving forward without this user.

 

Good luck.

[justaplottwist]

My stbx did the same to me with the whole "let's build a friendship" routine.

 

It was painful, confusing, and really selfish on his part.

 

A quick demotion to "friends" works IF both parties wanted the divorce. I say quick because I imagine some divorces that weren't agreeable at first to the divorce, could possible end up as friends at some point.

 

But when the party who wants the divorce is forcing the "lets be buddies" scenario when the other party hasn't grasped the divorce let alone healed...it's just selfish and uncaring.

 

You can be in your own driver's seat. And yes, NC really, really helps in the situation. When I FINALLY went NC, it was the best thing I could have done......FOR ME. And that's who I decided to look out for.

 

Any attempt to have a "buddy conversation" was met with silence. It hasn't stopped his attempts to still "buddy talk" me...but he gets absolutely nothing from me. I don't chat with him. I don't share anything except divorce and parenting info. That's it.

 

And quite honestly, I don't find it necessary to be friends now or in the future who isn't caring or empathetic. I have enough friends who are.

 

It's very confusing because it's hard to imagine that during one of the most hellish times in a person's life, another person....one that was supposed to care/love you.....adds another layer of unnecessary pain and confusion to the whole thing.

 

Best advice: Ignore and move on. YOU are worth more than what has/and is being given to you. Repeat that as many times as necessary.

[LoveMyCat]

Please do not fall into the "let's be friends" nonsense. You know deep down, that won't happen. Friends don't male friends miserable. Also, I do not see the point in delaying the divorce. The outcome will be the same. You may feel you are,"punishing" her but you will only end up hurting yourself. An uncontested divorce can be your "best friend"- not her.

[Gunny376]

IMHO? She still cares about you and in a place where she's hoping that you will "Change" but doubts that you will? She's insecure about her decision and that may be for a multitude of reason not totally un-related to just her financial security? Her status quo if you would among society, your peer group, your local town. There's a lot of different angles to this?

 

 

This much I can tell you, don't chase after ANYONE and beg them to be in your life! Don't cross oceans for someone that wouldn't cross a spittle of spit for you! Don't chase after someone nor beg someone to be in you life, nor beg them to be in your life on THIER EXCLUSIVE TERMS AND CONDITIONS!

 

 

Don't become a cock-culled (very ugly term) to be a part of HER life? Don't set limitations to yourself, nor to your existence.

 

 

Look at it this way? It NOT you that lost someone that you've love, its her that's lost someone that love HER! And that's a very rare and precious thing to lose, Why should you be beating yourself over her loss, something that's rare, precious.

 

 

It's hard to find someone that LOVES you un-conditionally, imperfections, warts and all. Why should you morn someone who has taken the best of you and discounted it. Why beat yourself up? Why should you take HER projections of inadequates and self doubts and project them upon yourself?

[TravisHubbard]

I lived this as well, but fortunately I had some insight into my ex so knew what she was doing. Before we were married, she actively maintained contact with the guy she divorced before I met her. When I asked why her response was something along the lines of "He still loves me, so I have him do things for me."

 

Fast forward to when she walked out on me, she still had the nerve to call a few times a week like nothing was going on. Gobsmacked is the word I now use to describe my reaction, because it's a funny word and it's true. :-)

 

Once she lawyered up, I didn't talk to her any more. I think I may have taken NC to the extreme, but I haven't said a word to her in 11 years. Once lawyers are talking, there's no need for us to talk.

 

That's not to say it was easy, emotionally I was an absolute f'ing train wreck for a few years because I actually did love her at one time.

 

Might be best to drop it and move on. The more you engage, the more power she will maintain over you.

[BetrayedH]

She wants you to be friends because if that's how things end, then she doesn't have to feel bad about it. "See, he's all good. I was right to handle it the way I did and it was for the best."

 

If that's the way you feel, go ahead and be friends with her.

 

I'd recommend extremely limited contact: nothing unless it is necessary for the divorce, and almost all of that can be done by email.

 

Best case scenario: NC with you at all; she can speak to your attorney. But I'm guessing you're not getting one.

 

Last $.02: if you agree to her terms, go ahead and do so. Get free.

[Movingforward2]

Same story here......all it does is keep you hanging. It sucks, but I've gotten to a point where I can handle it. I've read all of the no contact stuff as well, but with kids, emotion, etc. involved, it's almost impossible. I've had to learn to keep it separate. There is always some type of manipulating reason why they want to keep you hanging.........it's not that they really give a _________.

[lolablue17]

When people says "I don't care about you", It shows their weakness. They are insecure.

 

She wants to put you in the "friends" zone! Don't cooperate!

[kenmore]

Thank you all so much for your replies!

 

I am not getting an attorney. I consulted with one for a half hour and it cost me $175. At that rate, I just can't afford it. We're through most of the work anyway. We both filed everything the court requires, all that's really left (other than me physically moving my things out of her house) is the final judgement. This paperwork will make things faster, but not by much. There is always the mandatory six month period before a divorce can be final here in Ca, and we're only on month two. All it may do is keep us from actually having to go to the courthouse, and part of me wants that. Like a funeral, it will give me some closure. I'd like to see the judge slam his gavel down and say your marriage is dissolved, but I know it's not that dramatic.

 

And don't get me wrong, I have never wanted this divorce and still don't, but I am done trying to get her to see reason. I tell myself I can't fight her emotions with logic. If she is going to decide to try with me to make it work, it has to come from within her.

 

It is a little disturbing that she is in contact with her exes. One I can understand because he's her daughter's father, but the other? He's just an ex boyfriend. They were not married and they broke up long ago, why are they friends? Not long after we broke up, I saw Facebook photos of my wife and daughter at a Chargers game, and reading the posts, found out he had bought them the tickets. They were crappy tickets at the end zone, but just the same, they probably cost him well over $100. Now he's a doctor, and knowing her fascination with money, jumped to the conclusion he was the reason for our breakup, but it's apparent that is not right either. They are *gulp* just friends.

 

Other than still being in love with her and loving her daughter like my own, I will have no ties with her. No reason to be in contact. Not being friends should be as easy as simply not communicating. Other than the emotional pain, of course.

 

All of your advice helps me so much! It gives me perspective other than my own, and has made me think outside my box. Today for the first time I actually started looking forward to meeting a new woman. As annoying as beginning all over is, there is some magic too, and I'm starting to look forward to that. And, of course, I'm dying to have sex with something other than my hand again!

 

Ken

[LifeNomad]

Hey all,

 

Okay, I really suck at NC. I'm trying to do it, but needed to tell her about it first lol.

 

I just don't want to leave her hanging, I want her to know I won't respond and why. I wasn't going to tell her and last week she laid a big turd on my by telling me that (the gist was) that she was finishing our divorce and anything she said in the past about not being sure about wanting a divorce was not true.

 

So, right on schedule, yesterday she contacts me asking how I'm doing and about my career. First I ignored her, then today she emailed me some more crap about the divorce...more papers she wants me to sign. Basically signing off on the divorce, making it "uncontested" and streamlining the process. Something her paralegal can send to the court to make it a "rubber stamp". I think I'd like to drag her through the whole thing.

 

I responded by saying I got them, they are a regurgitation of our disclosures (which I agree with, but didn't say so to her.)

 

After these formalities, she again asked how I'm doing and if I'm doing open houses still. I told her that since she made it so clear last week how she feels about me and our marriage, that I don't feel it's apropos to tell her anything about my life or career anymore, and that since she doesn't care about me, to stop acting like she does and to please stop asking.

 

Her reply (sorry if this is boring you all) was "ok, I don't care about you, does that make you happy?" She's "only" worried that she will bump into me at an open house and it may "bother" me.

 

To move this long and useless conversation along, we talked about some stuff, but as usual nothing came of anything, and I ended by saying I can't sign this week and I'm not sure I want to sign it at all, I'll let her know. And ended the text with "if you no longer wish to be my spouse, then please leave me alone".

 

So, that's where it is now and I'm feeling great about going NC from here! At least I set the stage nicely and firmly, and I'm not signing her BS form.

 

The question is, and I know this will make so many of you cringe! Is: I know her very well. So well, I can predict what she will do and almost how she will feel about things, but I'm totally perplexed about the divorce. Doesn't it seem like she still wants me? Like she can't just friggin' leave me alone? I know her idea is to divorce me and "just be friends" but I made it crystal clear tonight (by comparing to two other exes who are her pansies) that I just won't! I told her so last week too, so hopefully she's getting it.

 

A tiring question from another hopeful individual, but I have accepted her power to end the marriage and her desire to do so. I'm just curious to hear what people think about it, but can anyone think of a reason she may be asking me how I'm doing and how my new career is going other than the fact that she cares? Really, if she doesn't, why would she ask? I'm seriously perplexed.

 

Also, to add to her feeling of loss (which I know she has), the car she had for a decade was destroyed by her daughter last weekend. It is a total loss. This seems to be playing on her emotions. I'm not sure how to feel about that...

 

Ken

 

 

Ken from now on your in control. If you don't wish to remain friends then don't. She still used to being in control of you and the situation. Heck if she wants a divorce she will get it sooner or later and she expects you to drag it out so you might as well start there, surprise her by saying "f* it" and sign off when she leasts expect it, don't even tell her when or that you did just send her the papers signed sealed and ready to go. Be your own person in control of your own life. Do yourself man. You can do it, be brave and strong because its going to seem like a new world without her, it already is, but you can do it. Take is an opportunity for yourself now that you are reborn. Make it what you want!

 

 

Get healthy, eat healthy, be active, exercise, those are the best things you can do, when she sees you some months down the line or whatever looking better than ever smelling good all smiles something will flip in her head and wonder if she made the right choice, and its gonna be one of those things that will stick to her in her mind until shes old and gone wondering if she made a mistake or not, maybe even wishing she hadn't, and who knows, maybe she will try to get you back.

 

 

Move forward buddy you can do it

 

 

and don't worry about others like her exes, they aren't the same as she remembers and neither is she. If hes a dr yes it means he has money but it also means hes probably very busy and on top of that if hes half decent looking he has girls (including younger women without kids - get my drift?) hitting on him all the time. as long as you showed her your love is strong and real that's all that matters.

Edited March 4, 2015 by LifeNomad

[BlueIris]

The question is, and I know this will make so many of you cringe! Is: I know her very well. So well, I can predict what she will do and almost how she will feel about things, but I'm totally perplexed about the divorce. Doesn't it seem like she still wants me? Like she can't just friggin' leave me alone? I know her idea is to divorce me and "just be friends" but I made it crystal clear tonight (by comparing to two other exes who are her pansies) that I just won't! I told her so last week too, so hopefully she's getting it.

 

It doesn't make me cringe. During and after a divorce lots of old ties and habits are still there. Sometimes people want to hear their ex's voice and feel the comfort of the connection. Sometimes they're uncomfortable with their need and the residual connection so they poke at each other- which actually just keeps the connection in a different form (or maybe the same form, if they were always pokers! lol).

 

She should leave you alone, in my opinion, but it looks as though you're going to have to be firm in ignoring her attempts to act like your friend. The thing with NC is that they don't have to get it. We just have to do it.

[kenmore]

Thanks you two!

 

Nomad, wow, you really hit my own thought tracks! What you said is exactly what has been going though my mind! I now have the upper hand, and it feels so damned good! I know it and she does too, but she's doing and saying things that are an attempt at taking it back.

 

Okay, since the divorce papers are still in play (and so is the fact that my stuff is still in her house), there's an avenue of conversation, so it goes on. She had her paralegal call me and tell me how it would be if I sign the document vs if I don't, and it was exactly as I thought (that is most often the case.) It was not as my wife said and though I feel she's a smart person, I'm usually right. Anyway, I realized after reading posts here that you are all right, I should just sign it. What is the benefit of not? Petty revenge? It's not worth it, so I made an appointment to sign Friday. I told my wife that and that's where it is. Sorry, more "C"

 

Iris, if that didn't make you cringe, maybe this will: I actually had saved two voicemails from her, one from Sep and one from just before Thanksgiving just to hear her voice because I knew I may not again. I also kept all of her texts until my phone got full. I finally had to delete the texts two weeks ago, then found out the voicemails had been auto-deleted because they had been there so long, so g'bye! So much lost in so little time, but like pulling off the bandaid, it's for the best. I won't delete the seven years worth of emails until we're divorced, but I don't read them anymore since...well...there's seven years worth of them!

 

Moving into NC is tough. Let's face it, it's harsh, and anyone who wants to, needs to make the tough decision. Oddly, I'm still not completely sure. I now know it's the easiest way to end the pain, but ending the pain is not necessarily my goal. My goal is to be happy again, and though I know it can't happen with her, not talking to her won't really make me happy. It will just put a barrier between me and my pain. It will end this summer, and that's when I can start to really turn my back.

 

Sorry if anyone feels I am wasting their time, I do take what you all say to heart and think about it. I just need to be me and make my own decisions. For now, I will ignore her until the next thing comes up...then most likely will talk to her again...as I said, I suck at NC.

[Hardgrind]

Kenmore,

 

 

My divorce with STBXW should be finalized in the next month or two. I don't even think of it as NC anymore. I look at it as an analogy to work.

 

 

What my wife is suggesting is that I take a demotion. I am no longer good enough to be her husband but I can still be useful as a friend. She doesn't want to put in effort into improving our marriage so there is no possibility of getting things back on track.

 

 

I have declined her offer of a demotion and don't really care if she views it as her firing me instead of my quitting. I don't keep providing services for free to a company that is no longer paying me. Similarly I don't have any desire to continue meeting the needs of a wife who is no longer participating (emotional, physically, financially, you name it) in the marriage.

[BlueIris]

Iris, if that didn't make you cringe, maybe this will: I actually had saved two voicemails from her, one from Sep and one from just before Thanksgiving just to hear her voice because I knew I may not again. I also kept all of her texts until my phone got full. I finally had to delete the texts two weeks ago, then found out the voicemails had been auto-deleted because they had been there so long, so g'bye! So much lost in so little time, but like pulling off the bandaid, it's for the best. I won't delete the seven years worth of emails until we're divorced, but I don't read them anymore since...well...there's seven years worth of them!

 

Moving into NC is tough. Let's face it, it's harsh, and anyone who wants to, needs to make the tough decision. Oddly, I'm still not completely sure. I now know it's the easiest way to end the pain, but ending the pain is not necessarily my goal. My goal is to be happy again, and though I know it can't happen with her, not talking to her won't really make me happy. It will just put a barrier between me and my pain. It will end this summer, and that's when I can start to really turn my back.

 

Sorry if anyone feels I am wasting their time, I do take what you all say to heart and think about it. I just need to be me and make my own decisions. For now, I will ignore her until the next thing comes up...then most likely will talk to her again...as I said, I suck at NC.

 

Being yourself and making your own decisions seems like the best path through a divorce and grieving after divorce. Different people handle things different ways and very little is written in stone. I don’t think NC is written in stone. I’ve never tried to go NC with anyone while we still had to be in contact for other reasons, business reasons. I hope the signing goes ok on Friday. And you will be happy again one day.

[kenmore]

Thank you! The signing will go fine, because I have finally accepted it's what she wants, therefore I am losing nothing anymore.

 

I'm sure most of you understand. I still love her so much but since she does not love me, what am I losing? Someone who does not care. Though I put those words into her mouth, I can't see any other reason why she would end our marriage. If she loved me or cared, this would not be happening, plain and simple.

 

As I progress more into my new work, it is consuming more and more of my time (and it had been consuming a lot!) Fortunately, I'm finally making money after two full months, which is awesome!

 

It is taking more of my attention (and it had been taking a lot too), so finally she has been the last thought after a busy day. It hurts so much less!

 

While I wish things were better, I can (as the old adage says) wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first! No room for wishing in this world!

 

Tomorrow, working sales in the morning, signing papers, then another open house. Maybe a schmooze in between (I'm getting so good at those.) Sounds like another winning day to me!

 

Take care you all, and hugs!!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Kenmore,

 

 

My divorce with STBXW should be finalized in the next month or two. I don't even think of it as NC anymore. I look at it as an analogy to work.

 

 

What my wife is suggesting is that I take a demotion. I am no longer good enough to be her husband but I can still be useful as a friend. She doesn't want to put in effort into improving our marriage so there is no possibility of getting things back on track.

 

 

I have declined her offer of a demotion and don't really care if she views it as her firing me instead of my quitting. I don't keep providing services for free to a company that is no longer paying me. Similarly I don't have any desire to continue meeting the needs of a wife who is no longer participating (emotional, physically, financially, you name it) in the marriage.

 

Yes, agreed! I will not take the demotion which is exactly what it is!!! Thank you.

[kenmore]

I signed the papers today and it was easy. Maybe too easy, but whatever.

 

My wife's paralegal told me now it will go through the system. About one to three months from now I will receive a letter saying the paperwork is complete and understood; that the final divorce date will be XX/XX/2015. She also told me I will not receive a final notification nor anything else. There will be to special notification, no taps, no pyre. Again, whatever.

 

I thought an official "go to the courthouse and have the formalities" day would be closure but somehow between originally posting this thread and now I gave up giving a sh*t. I actually left her office thinking "okay it's done b*tch, let's move on and the sooner the better". I guess that's the final anti-climactic end to it all. a signature and a thought.

 

I had another anti-climactic thing happen too...sorry this is so unrelated:

 

I had a customer who I was trying to sell insurance to. She wanted it and I wanted to sell it to her. I spent the whole day Wed driving to her place to meet her, and to work out problems I encountered in my companies online system. She finally gave me a voided check to process through the system and after another exhausting three hours this morning I finally got it processed! After all that, the only real carrot out there is that a check mark turns into a dollar sign, and it didn't happen. After yet another half hour talking to underwriting, I find out the policy is in effect. No dollar sign, no fanfare, just (um yeah, it's in effect.) About an entire day of work for one policy (which I appreciate), and that's the closure. (um yeah, it's in effect.)

 

So, it's ok. The marriage which began in so much mystery, love, fun and beauty ends in a signature and the thought that it's done, time to move on. I'm sure this is the way it normally is. Seriously, I think that's so much of what's wrong with society. It should not be that easy. She should have had to go to court, tell the court why she does not wish to carry out her vows (just like any other legal contract), and make the court agree with her. Not just say "I don't give a crap anymore"...done. If only real contracts were so easily gotten out of.

 

Sorry, I know you are all sick of me complaining about her and the situation and I also know you are all going through or have gone through the same. This is my vent so tomorrow I can wake up fresh and ready to close tomorrows sale! Thanks so much for reading!

 

Ken