I can't stop crying.....

[ASDot]

I think it just hit me that this is really happening. Usually he comes crawling back willing to change , but that's not happening this time. I know we were both unhappy, but deep down I thought it was something we could work out. We just had to both open up and stop being stubborn and be willing to change. if I thought for one second he really wanted to change and make things work, I could let down my wall and try to change too. I just feel desperate right now. I know that once tomorrow comes and the banks are open and I start making the necessary financial steps to separate us, then it really means it's over. I can't say that I miss him, but I'm scared. Scared of all the changes, scared to be on my own. I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I'm home with my kids and I'm trying to act strong but I literally cannot stop crying. It's like I can emotionally handle him not being here, but I can't handle our life together ending. We had so many big decisions and changes going on and I'm lost on how to handle them alone. I don't want to make stupid choices based off of my emotions, because they change daily. I'm kinda excited but scared at the same time. I just don't know if this is the right choice. We say we've done everything possible to save this marriage but all we've really done is make empty promises and blame the other person. The changes I'm excited to make now that we are getting divorced, are the same changes that if I had made before would have made our marriage a happier marriage. But I'm also afraid that if we were to get back together I wouldn't want to make those changes anymore because we would go right back to where we were. I'm just a mess right now it my emotions. I need someone to talk to but I really have nobody.

[Josmatjes]

Don't be scared. You will be ok. This is the beginning of a new chapter in your life and I'm sure it's scary but try to focus on the positives.

 

Do you have children?

[ASDot]

Yes. 3 children. Oldest is 14, she's not his biological child but he's raised her since she was 2. Then my oldest boy is 10 almost 11, he's low fuctioning autistic, can't care for himself, has to have 24/7 supervision, and my baby is 8. STBXH also has a son who is 15.

[TigerCub]

Hi OP,

 

I'm so sorry you're so sad and feeling scared and lonely. I can only imagine what that's like. it is always scary to venture into the unknown. It is so common that many people choose to stay because at least they know how to endure what they know rather than face what they don't.

 

But even if you do divorce, you and your husband will still be parents and I'm sure that the both of u can find a way to come together when your children are concerned.

 

I know it's scary, but if you were so unhappy together, hopefully in time you will see that this is for the best when you get used to the change and adapt and find something/someone that will make you happy.

 

Mourn the ending of the marriage, but you wont be alone when everything is done. You still have your children and their father will still be there to help care for them as well.

 

Take care

**HUGS**

[ASDot]

Had a rough night last night and this morning isn't going much better. Meeting with the lawyer yesterday just made it that much more real. I'm starting to feel crazy because my emotions are just all over the place. I keep waiting for him to ask me if I'm sure this is what I want, which is his way of saying he doesn't want this. He does want to talk to me about things, but I have a feeling it is more about the kids. And honestly I don't want HIM back. I know deep down I'm going to be happier without him. I haven't loved him for a long time now. I mean I still love him, but not like I should. I have no respect for him anymore. I know this is what we should do, because the only way we could ever be happy together is for him to completely change and he will never do that. He will never be the person I need him to be. But then I feel like I'm being unfair. Should I just suck it up and deal with it for the kids? I mean he's not a horrible person, I just don't agree with him on alot of things and I'm tire of changing my beliefs to fit his. But it doesn't make him wrong and me right, I understand where he is coming from, I just don't agree with him, but I have to force myself too, then I grow to resent bim. I'm just tired of biting my tongue. But if it means a better life for my kids, should I just suck it up and let these things go? The biggest thing is that I cannot forgive his son for molesting my boys. I don't care if he was only 12 when he did it, he knew it was wrong, he lied about it, I still think he is lying about it, and I cannot forgive him. I don't think he deserves to be in our life. Now if STBXH wants to be involved in his life that's fine, but I don't want to be around him and I don't want my kids around him. I will probably always feel that way. Now that we are getting a divorce the only thing I can do now is cross my fingers that it doesn't happen again. But I was always a horrible person for hating his son, so I learned to just ignore my feelings and try to get along with him. It sucked. I can't even look at him a d I had to literally force myself to talk to him. Just one word said wrong, or if STBXH even thought I was picking on him, it started a fight. Like when I would talk about how his son was getting F's in all his classes, or how he skips school atleast once a week. Yet my daughter is expected to get straight A's, which she is more than capable of and she also wants that. it just doesn't seem right that our kids have differant expectations because he says his sin doesn't live with him so there is nothing he can do except talk to him about it. Or he could step up and be a father and talk to his ex about how they need to handle their son instead of both of them blaming each other and playing the everyone feel sorry for him card. The kid is 15, plays no sports, no extracurricular activities, plays ps4 non stop and has over 25 missiNg assignments and has missed 15+ days of school and had over 30 tardies. But he's a teenager and he's going through alot and blah blah blah. My daughter is only 9 months younger than him, has missed 3 days of school, gets straight A's, plays 3 differant sports, is on multiple teams in each sport, goes to every practice, weight training, open fields/gyms even when it's not required, is on her schools dance committee, helps coach younger girls, helps me around the house and with her brothers, and still has time for her friends. And she loves every minute of it and is already thinking of her future. And while we do push her, everything is her choice and she knows that she can quit any of it at any time, except for the grades. It just aggravates me when step son comes over and sits on our couch playing video games while the other kids do their chores and homework. STBXH says I'm jealous of him. I'm just fed up with him.

 

I just need to keep my head together and go through with this. I know I do. If it weren't for the finances and the fact that I lose my life as I know it, I could do this no problem. It's not him I miss at all. Its having someone to tell stuff too, even though he usually doesn't care. It's knowing I'm not the only person making the big decisions, even though I usually made them anyways, it just felt differant knowing someone else was involved too. I just need to suck it up and take it all one day at a time I guess.

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry OP,I found parts of your last reply confusing.

 

Did you step son molest your kids?

does your step son ever live with your Husband?

 

If so, you should petition for sole custody of your children - you can't have them living in a home where his pervert son will be (especially if you aren't there).

 

Please Please fight to get sole physical custody of your kids if that's the case.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry OP,I found parts of your last reply confusing.

 

Did you step son molest your kids?

does your step son ever live with your Husband?

 

If so, you should petition for sole custody of your children - you can't have them living in a home where his pervert son will be (especially if you aren't there).

 

Please Please fight to get sole physical custody of your kids if that's the case.

 

What if your stepson molests your child /children again?

Can you trust they'll be okay if your kids are with your stbxh and the stepson is there?

 

Put something in place to protect your kids. Stipulate supervision when stepson is around.

 

You will be okay in time. It's the fear of change.

[ASDot]

Yes stepson molested my kids. It happened 3 years ago. I've already made it clear that the will be constant supervision when he is around my kids. That's how we handled it when he came over here before the split. No overnights with them either if stepson is there. The lawyer yesterday made it seem like there isn't much we can do about it unless we agree to those terms. I assume STBXH will agree but who knows at this point. He was at the bar (the one his family owns and where I work) last night and told everyone we were getting a divorce. I was hoping to keep that quiet for now so I don't have to hear about it but I guess not now. Now I get to hear a million times a day "are you ok". Last night he wanted to sit down and talk to me today, I told him this morning to let me know when. I still haven't heard from him and the kids will be home in an hour so I guess its not that important. Not as important as getting drunk and sleeping all day anyways. I'm an emotional roller coaster rIght now. I'm trying not to be desperate, but it just hurts so bad. I know if I just change my thinking I can make us work and give my kids a better life than this. At the very least I could keep an eye on my kids while they are around his son. I feel like this is all my fault because I can't get over what his son did. Maybe I should have tried harder. Then I get angry at myself for even thinking that. And angry at him for expecting me to get over it. Then I just start crying knowing that nothing is ever going to be the same again. I'm losing my husband, my job, his family (who is the only family I really even have), my social life, and all my friends. It's not fair. I have no friends to hang our with. Seriously, not 1 friend. I have no hobbies. I have my kids and my house. I know I just have to take it one day at a time and I'm trying, but even one hour at a time is hard. I actually had a moment where I thought they would all just be better off without me, but I know better than that. I'm just scared those moments are going to start becoming more often. But I still know better. It's a struggle to say the least.

[TigerCub]

Since you're losing your job because you work at his family's pub - can't your lawyer arrange for him to pay alimony to you until you find another equally paying job.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong - it's messed up what his disgusting son did and it's so ****ed up that he thought you should just get past it.

 

Did you kids get therapy after what they went through?

 

My hear breaks for you because I understand that you can't be with him, but you are going to constantly worry about what happens with your kids when they are with him and you're not. I think you should press your lawyer to fight more for you to have sole physical custody and for your H to just have visits without his disgusting son around.

 

Keep talking and venting here - we're your friends.

 

Take it one day at a time...that's all you can do.

[ASDot]

The past few days have been such a roller coaster. Thursday night we got into a yelling fight over him not respecting the fact that I have to work at the bar and it would be nice if I didn't have to go in there to work and hear the stories of him being in there the night before. That lead to 3 hours of texts where he wanted to change and he still loves me blah blah blah. I held strong and just told him that he could never change into who I need him to be. He asked if he could move back in and I said no. Then I had a really bad night last night When it was all over fb that he went out with a group of couples and 1 single girl. I guess I overreacted to calling it a date, but it's someone I felt he had feelings for for a while now. I sent him a text going off and he replied saying I was pretty much crazy, then I poured my heart out to no response, twice. I know I need to distance myself from him, I know I can't worry about what he's out doing. But why does he get to go have fun, while I have to worry about how to pay my bills? He has been at the bar every night since we split up, and I couldn't even afford to order a pizza last night. It infuriates me.

 

I think I really thought we could make this work. I've put off alot this week because I know once we start this there is no going back. I never got my own bank account or filed for assistance. I go back and forth about seeing if we can try one more time or knowing that it's over. I guess I need to just suck it up and go do what needs to be done and not look back. I need to hold to not speaking to him unless it's about the divorce itself or the kids. It's just so hard. I cry everyday. I have major breakdowns everydsy. Yesterday my daughter had a basketball game and my son was trying to beat me up because he couldn't run out on the court, then I really had to go to the bathroom but I can't unless someone e watches my son, so I asked my daughter in between games and she gave me attitude, so I just had to leave. I drove home 25 minutes to use the bathroom and then drove back. he won't go in the woman's bathroom me and I can't let him out of my sight. I had no other choice and I have a huge meltdown and I know I handled it wrong but I literally cannot stop myself from freaking out. No wonder my kids hate me.

[MJJean]

Open the bank account and apply for any and all assistance you are entitled to. Especially help with your son if there are programs available.

 

All those people asking if you're ok? Sort through them, develop friendships, and use them to form a support network.

 

Do everything you can to protect your kids from your step-son. Also, mention their father is an alcoholic and see if you can get totally supervised visits until he is in treatment and clean.

 

My friends ex-husband drank nightly after their split. She never said anything because she was sure he'd never drink when he had their son. His last visitation, he brought their son home and was stinkin drunk. He drove drunk for 1 hour between his home and hers with their child in the car. It's a miracle there wasn't an accident. Not to mention the fact that he could have been drinking at home the whole time leaving the child to supervise himself or the risk that a drunk person could make a mistake that causes a house fire or something. People who drink cannot be trusted to take care of children.

[TravisHubbard]

Divorce is scary, most of us are afraid of any change and one this big can be overwhelming. One thing that I found useful was to stay focused on the things I needed to to to make sure my kids were OK, and that included getting them to school, making sure the house payment was made, and making sure they were fed. To do that I had to keep going to work, etc.

 

Taking care of the kids is paramount: Get rid of the bad people in your life, all of them.

 

There is never a reason to "suck it up" to keep things the way they are, if they way they are sucks.

 

Fortunately I had my family around, but I didn't want to burden them by talking about my worries all the time.

 

I also found it helpful to get involved with some of the adult activities at a local church. It was fun to get out, made it a point to not discuss my issues - just have fun being around people.

[Satu]

This is something I wrote for myself, but some of it might be helpful for you.

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. A ten minute walk is enough.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps. (Not applicable in your case, I think.)

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Satu

[Satu]

*I need someone to talk to but I really have nobody.

 

*You have us.

[DKT3]

A few things that really stand out here is 1) you say you don't love or respect him because he isn't willing to be the man YOU want him to be. Marriage is about accepting who your married to and wanting to compromise. Instead you demand it be your way or the highway. Which leads to 2) your playing a mental manipulation game of push and pull. You push him away, then when he starts to distance himself you pull him back in. Once he is there you reject him and push him away again.

 

He opens up, tells you he wants to work at it, which you said you wished he would do, then you rejected him by really saying you don't feel he is good enough for you. With his tail between his leg and bruised ego in tote he goes out on what you view as a date and you go all psycho on a man you just rejected.

 

I think your sending him mixed messages, and you seem very confused as to what you want. It appears to me that you get some kind of enjoyment in having him chase you so you can reject him. Its very unhealthy, I'm guessing this isn't a new dynamic in your 11 or 12 (?) Year relationship. Everyone has their limits, even the most loyal dog will stop coming around if you kick him enough.

[ASDot]

As far as me wanting him to change, I feel like I am right in that he does need to. I need him to change how he puts his son, who molested my boys, on a pedastool. He needs to understand I'm not okay with what happened and I have every right to hate his son for what he did. I also need him to accept that what his son did was not just experimental and that he really has some deep issues that he needs help with. But I literally cannot even mention step sons name without it causing a fight. I don't want him to disown his son and I would never ask him to do that, but I need him to quit acting like step son was the victim and everyone needs to feel sorry for him. I'm willing to make changes and I've already began to. I had to BEG him to even tell me what it is that he wants me to change. And when he did tell me I didn't argue with him or try to prove him wrong. I saw it from his point of view and I started making a plan to make the changes I need to. But some of his issues are with the fact that everything we own gets torn up/ruined. When our son has a meltdown he breaks things. He is always making messes that ruins things. It's our life we've been dealt and he doesn't do anything to help it either. We let our house get to the point that it's embarrassing to even have guests over. Not like in a fithy nasty way, but there's holes in the walls, and and blinds are broken and our couch has holes etc. But he expects me take care of it and I just cannot keep up. And our other kids have learned from it and they don't take care of their things either and it's a constant struggle. But that's our life. We have to make changes, not just one of us. When I'm home the kids have chores, same thing, every day. He never enforces it. Then he blames me. He also has a problem that I have really bad anxiety and I have gone through a handful of meds and none of them work. He feels like I'm making excuses. But the one med that did work, the won't prescribe me because there is such a drug problem In our community. I have to try all the others first. He is also mad because he's on an antidepressant and he doesn't think he needs it and says I forced him on it. He won't admit he has a problem. I honestly don't think he ever accepted our sons autism diagnosis. he still ges embarrassed to go out in publoc with him and he freaks out when our son has a meltdown. He doesn't really know the best ways to handle him, you can't spank him or yell at him when he is stimming. That's something our son cannot help. We stopped going to cookouts or get together outside of our family because he thinks it's too much to take our son too. He doesn't get that people will understand, and if they don't then it's their problem and we don't need them in our lives.

 

The talk we had the other night was about how I need to change and I told him that I was working on making changes. He said he was wanted to change, but didnt want to put in the work. I told him I was going to counseling, he said good. I told him I wa s going to work on getting this house in better shape since we had plans too but it seemed like he was always dragging his feet. He admitted that he just didn't want to put in the work. We talked about how neither of us wanted this, but we know it's probably the best thing. I think we both know it's because hes not willing to change. Because I am going to change. I'm going to be a better person for my kids. So it may seem like I'm being unfair by saying he has to change, but the reality is that he does have to change. He has to change not just for me but also himself because he's not hapoy with himself either. Neither of us are happy with ourselves.

[LoveMyCat]

I don't see any future with the father of a boy who molested your kids, frankly. That will never go away and he will not be able to feel differently about his child, or yours.