Current situation sucks

[travsrt8]

Thank you in advance for taking the time and trying to help me out...

 

 

We have been together for little over 3 years, married for almost 1.5 years, have a son together and she already had a daughter who is now 4. When we got married and I moved into her mom’s house to be with her well we were building our own house. I also started school again full time and was working full time while she stayed at home with kids and we never had any time together.

 

A big argument happened at the end of November (not physical lots of yelling) and I got the order for protection (says I pushed her that night) that she put on me the next week when I said I wanted to take our son to see my family dismissed. We have been meeting up together with our son and we still sometimes sleep with each other when her daughter goes to her ex. I have a new apartment now and I’m just waiting for her and the kids to move in with me.

 

Since the protection order I have been in contact with her ex about how the same thing happened to him and to learn on what to expect. He is going to be serving her (next week) with papers to get more custody of his daughter and when I told her this she did not take it well and we had a huge argument over me not telling her soon enough. I also told her how I’m not going to keep waiting until she is feels comfortable moving in with me and that further escalated the arguing.

 

I have already missed so much valuable time with my family over the last 3 months and don’t want us to continue with this. I have only seen my stepdaughter, which I might have fallen in love with even before my wife, and one of the reasons my wife said she fell in love with me for, that I consider my own daughter, 2-3 times for max of 5 minutes over the last 3 months. The only time we talk is if I initiate it or if she needs me to watch our son or help with doctor appointments. None of my family has been able to see the kids during this time and they threaten to stop giving me money (to give to my wife) if they are not allowed to see their grandchildren. I still by anything she requests that our soon needs that comes out of my separate bank account.

 

Recently she went and got a STD check saying she didn’t know if she could trust me since we have been separated and it really made me further question our relationship. I have been having huge mood swings and thoughts lately about our relationship about not having any visible progress towards her moving in with me. Nothing really has changed for her situation. She is still living with her mom who hates me, has the kids full time with her being a stay at home mom, talks to her married friends daily about life, and still gets money from me weekly. I on the other hand have never been this alone, have no married friends yet or friends that even have kids to talk about my situation with. She says I am unstable (I agree with her but it is because I want more than anything to be together again but she is not sure and she wants to wait and see that I am actually changing). I am now on anti-depressants since the beginning of January and she says I am bi-polar also so I have a psychiatrist appointment in 2 weeks to prove to her that I do not. Nobody except her and her mother think that I have anything wrong with me. A lot of our issues deal with both of us being under a lot of stress.

 

Well after talking with family and friends about the situation and how I feel they convinced me to file for divorce, which were served to her on February 13th. She had no interest in seeing me or allowing me to see my son at least on any of the major holidays over the last 3 months and Valentines Day was her weekend with her daughter, so seeing me was out of the question further making me more depressed and angry. I filled to kind of force her to understand that I am not happy and for her to start putting effort into the marriage and to get her and the kids to come move in with me. I understand that both of us are not perfect and I am working on my issues but I am sick of living like this and need things to change soon.

 

Well the plan has backfired now and ever since she got the papers served she has not talked to me at all unless it is about our son. The first few days I sent lots of texts about how much I love her and want us to work out which she said to not contact her again each time or she would press harassment charges. I decided not to text her at all and each day she would send me pictures of our son, which I did not reply to at all.

 

This past Tuesday would have been when her daughter goes to spend time with her ex for 3 hours and she didn’t mention anything about allowing me to see our son or if she was ready to talk about us yet during that time. On Thursday (next time her daughter going with ex), an hour before she would be dropping her daughter off, she texted me “My name, you have not inquired about our son in over 3 days. Do you want to see him, I feel safer in a public setting.” I didn’t respond to it but yesterday (Friday) I finally texted her asking about our son and what he has been up to trying to test the waters to see if she is ready to talk about us but she was still very cold to me about everything. She would just use one-word answers and not even answer questions I asked about her or her daughter.

 

The only time she sent a long text was to tell me that I needed to put money into her bank account so she could get stuff for baby and to send her my tax stuff so she could do the return by herself without me. Also for the last 3 months she changed her Facebook profile pic of us at our wedding to a single photo of her looking really amazing and removed all of the photos of us on it and blocked me. I have alternated from a picture of us to a picture of friends and I at our wedding. I put up a picture of our son (which she does not want on Facebook) to get her attention and to see if she was looking at my Facebook and within 24 hours she sent me a text that he needs to be removed now and that I will not be getting any pictures of him until it is off.

 

I really want to make us work. We had therapy scheduled to begin next week but she canceled it already so I am going to individual therapy instead now. I want more than anything to be a family again and would love to hear what people think. I have been depositing checks for her. Do I need to stop doing this and act like it will be if we are actually divorced maybe to send a clear message that her life is going to change for the worse without me. Ideally I would dismiss the divorce once I see that she wants to work on us. I am for the first time in my life not in control and unsure of the future and it scares the hell out of me.

 

Should I just point blank tell her that no one will come out ahead by us divorcing. I will be living in 500-700k house that is being built by parents company for around 300k and will still have all my premarital assets after the divorce due to my parents who are extremely well off and want to help me. I will lose the women and a daughter I am still in love with but will gain more control over decisions about my son. She will not be getting anything money wise from me except the rings value and child support.

 

She will now be a 30 year old with 2 kids from different guys living with her mom (who took her father to the cleaners during their divorce and is broke now). Her only work experience is being a nanny who has been fired 3 times in 3 years for arguing with the families and she dropped out of school early on. She will have to get a job and give up on trying to keep me away from our son and to start all over again on will have to start finding someone else (she is really good at sucking you in though) to make it in this world.

 

Overall my questions are:

 

• What do you think of my situation?

• Do you think that we have a chance to get together?

• What are ways I can better cope with my situation when we have a son together and need to stay in communication?

• What is the best way I can save my marriage well also keeping my sanity?

• I read about the no contact idea and the 180 technique but one of our major problems has been a lack of communication and a lack of me showing affection to her (lately I might have been showing to much) so I am afraid that if I do that she will move on away even faster.

• Is it normal to feel terrible about breaking up my family because I don’t like where it is at and not due to anything serious like infidelity that I am unaware of?

• Is divorce the best option for me?

 

 

Thank you so much for reading and responding to my situation. If I didn’t explain something enough please let me know and I will try to explain it better.

 

 

 

-T

Edited February 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

Well after talking with family and friends about the situation and how I feel they convinced me to file for divorce, which were served to her on February 13th.

 

Filing for divorce starts in place a process designed to prepare the marital participants for a life apart. There's nothing about it that says "let's work on our problems" or "I want to stay married to you". In fact, the message sent is 100% opposite of that.

 

I really want to make us work.

 

Then you've gone about it the wrong way. What little chance you have might come from sitting down with her and honestly laying your cards on the table. Not much to lose at this point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[travsrt8]

Thanks for replying Mr. Lucky

 

I don't think sending her divorce papers was a good idea but I just didn't have any other ideas. I told her I was going to a few weeks ago to let her know that she really needed to help me make us work and be "us" again but that didn't work. She cancelled the marriage therapy session and everyday for the last 2 months I have been as loving as I can be but got nothing from her unless I kept bringing it up and forced her to say she loved me back. She put up a big wall around herself that I just could not love my way back into. That she was unwilling to allow me to break down and I was desperate. I called her and told her how much I loved her and the kids and that I didn't want to do it but she left me with know choice. The divorce papers just allowed me to put a limit on the amount of time I will sit around waiting for her to decide when she is comfortable with us again. it started a timeline in a way for her to really think about us and what the consequences are going to be if she doesn't consider that its ruining our family being separated. The separation is bringing her and her mother closer instead of me and her. I told her that if things do not change with how she feels about us being together after the initial 30 days she has to respond, that I will proceed with the divorce dissolution.

I know both of us are responsible for where we are now and I think that she in a way wanted me to divorce her so she doesn't have to be the one that destroys our family.

Currently she sends me a few pictures a day of our son and always makes sure that one of the pictures is with her playing with him showing her left hand without her ring on it. I think she is trying to rub it into me. It just kills me inside seeing that she is okay with me destroying our marriage everyday and I am not okay with it.

[sandylee1]

Your wife seems childish to me and she also seems to be using your son as a pawn to get at you. Can you try and arrange a schedule where you can see your son on a regular basis each week.

 

It could be that she's allowing her mom to influence her behaviour, but it all seems very childish. Especially as her mom doesn't like you. She will keep trying to ruin your relation, so you may well be better out of it. Try buying the things that your son needs rather than giving into her demands for cash every time.

 

I'm quite concerned about how quick she is to get restraining orders tbh. Next thing she'll say you are violent and she's so afraid of you, you'll have difficulty seeing your son. Be very careful of her and protect yourself against any accusations.

 

About Facebook......things can get a bit out of hand, but it's your son and your page, so why is she telling you to remove the pic. She's trying to be controlling and you need to put a stop to that.

 

Try not to let your family influence you in the future. Be your own man and decide what you want for yourself. Having said that, I don't necessarily disagree with your family, because they have seen her mess you around so much they are fed up. Try buying things that your son

 

if she is firm on the decision that she doesn't want counselling then the really isn't anything you can do about this. If you really want to move on and is happy with the decision to get divorced then you better do the same. As i said her actions in relation to the restraining order arevery worrying

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for replying Mr. Lucky

 

I don't think sending her divorce papers was a good idea but I just didn't have any other ideas.

 

Actually sending her divorce papers a great idea - if you want a divorce.

 

And given her unwillingness to engage with you at all, I'm afraid that's the only course open to you. Sorry you find yourself in this spot...

 

Mr. Lucky

[travsrt8]

When her parents got divorced her mother put a restraining order against her father and put the kids against the father also. She is still bringing him to court after 12 years saying he was hiding money and what not. So I think the order was a way to get her in control and to get "ahead" of me.

She is still saying she is afraid of me and that she doesn't want the children near me alone. I have never been a violent person (I have never even hit someone or been in a fight) and would never do anything that would harm her or the children ever ever it stings to know that is what she feels.

 

My lawyer says that I can't text her to much about the kids and her since with the bogus restraining order she might say harassment or something like that so its really sucks right now. She said that I can see my son tonight when her ex gets my stepdaughter for 3 hours but it has to be in a public space so she feels safe..... I really want to go to see my son and to also see her but I am terrified that it will break me down and hurt me.

 

I love them so much and I am allowing her to control so much that it scares me. I don't know what to do. I am scared that if she can make up an incident to put an order for protection on me what is the next thing she will make up. I am a really laid back guy who never had to worry about the future and have always been in control except for this marriage and once the kids are old enough and can make their own choice about what to do it will be a lot better.

[Satu]

How did you get from getting married, to this point, after only a year and a half?

 

Where is the missing narrative?

[travsrt8]

I don't know how we got to this point over the last year and a half. We both have major stress right now in our lives and I was not happy with living at her mothers house. She was on bed rest during the last 3 months of her pregnancy so since we were married I would say we have gone out just us two maybe 10 times tops. Before we found out we were having a baby we would go out all the time but I just figured it was a part of growing up and having a family that we would not go out as much. So we stayed in a lot and that meant being with her mom all the time. Every little thing that I did wrong I had to hear it from her and her mother both. We quit being close and affectionate and became distant with a lack of communication. Both of us didn't want to have another baby so we maybe had sex only a few times, which kept us even further away.

 

Both of us are really stubborn and we both want to be in control it seems. I am always the one compromising and I am fine to do that with my wife but I don't think I should have to with her mother also. I think if we were living in our own house we would be doing a lot better and not in this situation but she says she doesn't feel safe right now and probably wont for 5/6 months which is to long for me.

[travsrt8]

A update to the situation

Well I got to see our son for an hour and a half at a local restaurant next to my apartment this last Tuesday (24th). She said she felt more comfortable and not as afraid in a public space. Overall the meeting was really hard on me. When I was walking in I could that she was in her car putting on makeup and what not and so I decided to come over and help bring our son in since it was cold out and right away she said "don't come up to my car like that" and told me to go in the restaurant and she will come when she was ready. Well she wore my favorite outfit and you could tell she put a lot of time into getting ready for it (most I have seen her dolled up in the last year) and even had some kind of glitter on her eyes, which she never uses anymore. Well eventually we sat down and she didn't talk to me the whole time, was not wearing wedding ring, and just allowed me to play with my son in the booth. About a half hour in a family friend she knows said hi and asked how things were going and she said everything was busy and fine and that our son was growing up fast. At the end I paid and we walked out to main door where she stopped and said I could kiss my son goodbye and that once she sees that I left she will go out to her car and leave.

 

Last night she wanted to know if I wanted to go to same restaurant to see my son again and I said no that I wanted to meet in my apartment so I could actually play with him and she said she will not do that because she is afraid and it's not public. So after both of not budging on the meeting place I never got to see my son or her.

 

She keeps telling me I have to put money into our joint bank account and I say that I will buy whatever our son needs and she just needs to let me know but she is saying I'm withholding money for "my son and wife" when I by his stuff online and ship it to where she lives.

 

Does her purposely wearing my favorite outfit and hair done mean anything or am I over thinking it?

Maybe she was so ready to meet up with guy for last few hours right after I met our son?

If I want to be together does it help me or not to deposit money so she can spend it on whatever. To show her what being divorced will be like in a way?

[Mr. Lucky]

If I want to be together does it help me or not to deposit money so she can spend it on whatever. To show her what being divorced will be like in a way?

 

Questions best put to your lawyer...

 

Mr. Lucky