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Wife wants seperation I don't


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How do I not be depressed when my wife wants to seperate and is happy while I'm feeling hurt? We've been married almost 3 years and the first year she made mistakes such as cheating and I forgave. The last 2 years she says I haven't paid her the attention she wants and I see how I didn't cause I work sleep go to gym and don't talk to her enough or spend enough time with her. I do love her dearly and tell her everyday and have done a lot for her and stayed through a lot. A big part of why I haven't been around her so much is she drinks often and it changes her attitude for the worse which made me back off. I explained all this to her and swear to her I will change for the best and fight to get her to stay. But she says it's too late she's done. We still have to live together for a few months to get our finances in order. Any advice on how to not be depressed through this while she's being happy? I'm doing all I can to get her to stay with me and it's been killing me inside.

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Sorry to say this but she checked out when she cheated and you forgave her with no consequences . She probably has not stopped cheating on you and you have not caught her again.

By separating I am assuming she says she wants a divorce . The major reason an unfaithful spouse just wants a separation is so they can continue their affair without you getting in the way .

You cannot nice Her back. Her actions at more important than her words . I am sorry but you are asking for a magic bullet that no one can give you. I would do everything you can to detach from her . Your pleading with her will not impress her.

See an attorney and find out your rights . You will survive

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Cheating is more than a "mistake". It is a breaking of vows, disregard for marriage entirely. And in the first year? Well, that should tell you loud and clear. You are lucky if you can get free after only three years. It won't improve. Drinking surely not helping either, as far as her behavior.

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Yes she cheated in the first year and I did forgive her and did she where she changed better from it. Also she doesn't drink like she used to especially since she's working till late night now. That was just issues I put up with early on. Now she only says it's too late she's done but I still choose to better myself and talk to her more give her more attention so even at the end she will can see I changed and I know I did all I could to salvage this. Now does anyone have advice how to not be depressed through this while we live together? I have trouble eating a lot and tend to wanna sleep more which I don't want to be lazy. I also care for her so much I know when she's on her own it will be very rough for her and her three kids which aren't mine. She just started working and thinks she can support herself now which is quite silly when she makes near minimum wage has three girls and bills to pay.

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Honestly, what you have here is someone who requires a shovel full of attention and it's will be good for a while, then it will require two, then three and soon after it won't matter.

 

If it was me, I would tell her that if she isn't happy with what you provide then by all means pack up and move out ASAP. I know she wont expect that and then she can get a grip on reality when she finds out that one can only be pushed so far and then there's the breaking point but if you continue to continue to back peddle and let her always call the shots then you lose and lose big time.

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I admit I haven't given her the attention or been as talkative as I should have. I explained the reason why was cause of her drinking and then the cheating made me back off. Still she won't understand and says she's done and wants to be happy. I think she can see the grass isn't greener on the other side and once she's struggling to make it on her own she will realize she messed up. Then it'll be too late cause she's not the type to try to get me back or call for help and by then I will be over her.

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I admit I haven't given her the attention or been as talkative as I should have. I explained the reason why was cause of her drinking and then the cheating made me back off. Still she won't understand and says she's done and wants to be happy. I think she can see the grass isn't greener on the other side and once she's struggling to make it on her own she will realize she messed up. Then it'll be too late cause she's not the type to try to get me back or call for help and by then I will be over her.

 

If you choose to trust her now, that is totally up to you. Some people have more patience and trust than others, believing people can and will change. I tend to judge people by what they do, not what they say.

 

Try again, but be prepared for more bad behavior, heartbreak and break-ups down the road.

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Yes she cheated in the first year and I did forgive her and did she where she changed better from it. Also she doesn't drink like she used to especially since she's working till late night now. That was just issues I put up with early on. Now she only says it's too late she's done but I still choose to better myself and talk to her more give her more attention so even at the end she will can see I changed and I know I did all I could to salvage this. Now does anyone have advice how to not be depressed through this while we live together? I have trouble eating a lot and tend to wanna sleep more which I don't want to be lazy. I also care for her so much I know when she's on her own it will be very rough for her and her three kids which aren't mine. She just started working and thinks she can support herself now which is quite silly when she makes near minimum wage has three girls and bills to pay.

 

Yes, you get less depressed by living a little. Get busy doing things you love.

 

Don't look back - just keep moving forward.

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We've been married almost 3 years and the first year she made mistakes such as cheating and I forgave.

 

Your marriage has been a lie. Sorry but you forgiving her and then her making YOU jump through hoops is bullshi.t! She is blaming you. She sounds immature and not ready to be a wife.

 

Sorry you're hurting, but I think she checked out of the marriage after having an affair and even though you forgave her, she never really did put 100% in and make it up to you to show you she can be a great wife.

 

There's not much you can do if she wants to end things.

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Hard to move forward when I live with her and have to for awhile. It's like tonight I cooked dinner for when she got off work and I just conversate with her but feel that tension there. She mentioned a few days ago I never said I wanted to be her friend. That's what I'm trying now just to be a friend. At least she talked back and we didn't say anything stupid. Now I think I'll go fix the bed while she bathes try to make her comfortable for the night.

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Do you two have children? If not, tell her to move out if she wants a separation. She can stay at a friends house or her parents.

 

Do you know for sure if that affair was truly over? Is it possible that guy is still in the picture?

 

No, you two can't be friends, you cant' go from husband and wife to 'friends.', especially it'll be harder on you.

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dreamingoftigers
Hard to move forward when I live with her and have to for awhile. It's like tonight I cooked dinner for when she got off work and I just conversate with her but feel that tension there. She mentioned a few days ago I never said I wanted to be her friend. That's what I'm trying now just to be a friend. At least she talked back and we didn't say anything stupid. Now I think I'll go fix the bed while she bathes try to make her comfortable for the night.

 

I can tell that you really want to please her and hopes that she loves you back.

 

 

She's outright abusing you. And you are letting her. It's a painful conclusion to come to. I am sorry.

 

 

I hope that she does actually leave so that you can detox from her and see all of the damage it has caused and that you deserve a better life, I mean, wife.

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She has three girls none are mine. The cheating was a one and done type thing I made sure it was over. Truth is I really didn't pay the attention I should have in the last two years and I'm trying hard to do it now. I just think she doesn't see how much I put up with and that if I do better myself I can make her happy again.

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It takes TWO people trying 100% to rescue a marriage from infidelity, and right now you are doing all the work. I suggest you read a book called "no More Mr. Nice Guy". You are doing the exact opposite of what most professionals would tell you to do.

We all know she will not be able to support three children on minimum wage so you better see an attorney to make sure you are not supporting her and her new boyfriend.

You seem to be extremely confident there is no OM still in picture. How are you so sure??? Because she is such an honest person?? Instead of fixing her bath you might want to put anVAR in her car to find out what she is really up to.

A woman making minimum wage with three kids will not even be able to sign a lease on an apartment without a co signer.

You r wife either has extreme mental issues or she has a plan that she has not shared with you.

You are looking for advice that will just fix this for you and no one can do that .no matter how stubble she is reality will set in but I'm afraid you are going to find out you have more than two people in this marriage and right now you do not know it

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The cheating was two years ago which she told me with whom deleted him off facebook and off her phone which is on my account. She wasn't working the last three years and I constantly checked up on her and she stayed home most of the time. She even showed me what she told the other guy and she made a mistake that I did choose to believe and am sure it's long been over. She's not a cheater anymore. The main problem we have is I haven't given her enough attention the past two years and now she says she's done waiting. So I'm trying all I can to be what I should have been. I do need to be a better husband. It may be too late but for the sake of the marriage and her kids it's best we stay together cause now I do realize I was making mistakes too and love her enough to fight for her. And she does make a little more than minimum wage and gets child support every two weeks but I don't think it'll be enough with her managing money.

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You made the mistake that you forgave when you should have divorced. Get the book "No more Mr Nice Guy", you need it.

 

No that one time you caught her was not the last time she cheated. Her "proof" is no proof, it's not that hard to communicate in different ways than just Facebook. You can still meet up even if you're no friends on Facebook. She needed someone to take care of her and her 3 kids and now she's found a new poor sap to do it. Don't do seperation, do the divorce and RUN. The only reason she wants only seperation for now is because she knows damn well her new guy won't tolerate kids for long and she needs a backup - you.

Edited by No Limit
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I agree. It will tak your down a sad brutal road - divorce her. There are SO many others out there that will love you. You can't see the large picture because youre focused on saving the world, I bet. Take it day by day. But it's time to let go.

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Facebook is just an example of her unfriending the guy and I saw the texts she sent him telling him she couldn't talk to him anymore and I checked her phone to make sure she didn't. And it's not that she found someone else cause she been saying when she's done she's done. Sh's just not happy and has told me this for a while now but now that she's working she can financially support herself and her kids or thinks so. She's very busy with her kids and work I can tell she's not seeing anyone else she just wants to be happy with someone who pays her crazy attention all the time. I choose to try to make things better and she doesn't but that's not stopping me from trying for her kid's sake and both of ours really. I know if I would have took the time to give her more attention and actually talk more it woulda been different but without me around she's just gonna end up more messed up like she was before me and that's not right to her kids or to her cause I do greatly care for her and when she is good she's great to be with.

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I just read your wife's mind. Pay attention, this is what it says...

 

"Your WIFE wants a divorce.

 

Be a good little husband and give it to her.

 

You don't want one? Since when do your wants matter?!"

 

Okay, not really. Actually this is from a novella I'm reading right now (a short story about a hot wife), but I think you get the point.

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Ok I know she wants a divorce and no I don't want one. So say we get one. Neither of us has much money right now, we're both in debt bad credit and will take a while before one of us probably me can move out. She's being happy right now not caring how I feel. I get depressed easily hard to eat or do much at all and constantly think of this. How do I shake this feeling off and get to where it doesn't consume my mind 24 hours a day? I know I shouldn't allow myself to feel bad when she doesn't but I can't seem to help it.

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She has three girls none are mine. The cheating was a one and done type thing I made sure it was over. Truth is I really didn't pay the attention I should have in the last two years and I'm trying hard to do it now. I just think she doesn't see how much I put up with and that if I do better myself I can make her happy again.

 

It's not your job to "make her happy" - some people will never be happy no matter what you do. Her form of happy is up to her.

 

But you rewarding her lousy behavior and bowing down to her is awful.

 

She's cheated. She's lied. And she's not treating you well. Why don't YOU deserve better than what she's offered? You do! Now start living like you deserve better!

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I'm trying to not live being depressed and get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. Very hard to do while living with her and being home when she's at work or wherever while not knowing what the future holds as to what will end up happening where I'll live etc. I know once I'm out and on my own it will get better especially when I start talking to other women but for now the feeling just sucks and won't go away.

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dreamingoftigers
I'm trying to not live being depressed and get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. Very hard to do while living with her and being home when she's at work or wherever while not knowing what the future holds as to what will end up happening where I'll live etc. I know once I'm out and on my own it will get better especially when I start talking to other women but for now the feeling just sucks and won't go away.

 

It's anxiety, and it will go away (hopefully, yeesh).

 

 

I really hope that you get back out there soon and heal.

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I'm trying to heal now she's saying she wants me gone ASAP cause she's ready to date and can't see how financially I need time to get myself in order. Yes it's anxiety I hate it cause she's off happy and I don't deserve to be unhappy but being with her the last three years makes it very hard for me to just get over.

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Find a room to rent.

 

She's about to date right in front of your face! Move today! Start living life on your own and do things that make you happy.

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