Can't believe I'm on the verge of separation - I'm scared!!!

[starglider]

Tough times.

 

I came to LS shortly after Christmas with questions about "how does a friendship turn into an affair?" in the infidelity forum.

 

Thank goodness my friendship never turned into a physical affair. But I'm starting to see it as both an EA (emotional affair) and as an "exit affair" on my part. Luckily my H is doing better on the anti-depression medicine. But I feel an emptiness inside, like our M has run its course. Can't tell if I'm depressed myself, in a mid-life crisis, or this is just how one feels when it is the end of the road after 15 years together.

 

I feel like I need to move out so I can think clearly about this. I'd have a place on my own I could move into immediately with an extra room for my daughter, but I just have to work out the logistics with H and daughter and that part is the hardest to imagine. No, correct that, TELLING HIM I want to move out will be the hardest part. Haven't had the courage or strength to do this but have wanted to for several weeks.

 

I guess we will do MC and I'll do IC during that time (hopefully he will too). Set up a time frame. It is a small town so it is hard to brace for the public aspect of separating, and letting our extended families know. I don't want to have to talk about it to others and am bracing for the "how are you doing?" intrusive questions that would put me on the spot.

 

My H is very sad to see me so unhappy now. We love each other as companions but have a lot of systemic problems that make me wonder if we can go the distance. I just turned 45 and wondered, "can I really make it another 45 years together with my H?" And this questioning, along with my 82 year old mother's admission to me that her big regret in life is not divorcing my father when they were in their 40s, are big motivators beyond my EA. She was so sympathetic to my H and his depression, until she heard about how irritable he has been for years with me and my daughter, and this is why she opened up about her regret - my father had the same ill-temperment. It makes meal time, trips to the grocery store, family vacations, getting ready for school, etc so awful for me. Plus the long term resentment that I've been the bread-earner for years. He hasn't brought in any money since his start-up business failed 5 years ago.

 

For those who read my other thread, I did learn what the "tragic" comment by the exOM meant. Turns out he got separated from his wife over the Xmas break. They recently decided to get back together and work out their problems. I had still felt attached to him, even in recent days, but now see my infatuation with him was a symptom of problems with myself and with my own marriage.

 

Any advice on a trial separation with a 4th grade child involved is welcome. It makes me very scared, anxious, sad, confused, but I think it could be such a relief to find answers to "what now" and to face up to the problems and also weigh in on the positive aspects of our M.

[phoenix19]

my 2 cents (and this is coming from the receiving end of a wife just leaving me 3 months ago without any warning). Tell him before you make any moves, and if he doesn't "get it", make him understand by any means necessary. Tell him everything...lay your cards out on the table about what you are thinking about doing, how you are feeling about the M and him, tell him about the OM and what could have happened.

 

 

By being truthful, and expecting the same in return (this might go on for a couple days, it's a lot to process for him). At least at that point, if you find you want to separate, at least you'll have a clear conscience. Communication is the key from my standpoint. He's not going to enjoy this, and hearing about another guy is probably going to be devastating to him and he's likely to assume it was more than what you admit to. Either way...you need to talk about it. If it has to be MC, great, if you need to move out during this time, come to that conclusion together (unless he's being a real jerk or abusive of course).

 

 

Good luck, and either separate or together: you'll get through this and so will he. (I wouldn't have said that 3 months ago, but give it time)

[starglider]

Thank you, Phoenix19, for your thoughtful response. You make very good points. I read your thread and am very sorry to hear the way the separation in your case came about - sounds terrible. Glad that after 3 months you are doing better.

 

My H and I have been having conversations wondering "are we going to make it for the long haul?" and confirming we have love and care for each other. But I do have to start planting the seed that I'm thinking of moving out so I can figure it out.

 

I'm also trying to be patient to see how things change now that he's on meds. Even though we are both trying, I don't know if a less moody and argumentative H will be able to change the other aspects, namely me feeling I'm carrying the main burden of the household through my work and financially.

 

It is possible we can do therapy while we are still living together. I'll give that real thought.

 

He does know about the EA. The other M's name comes up during little arguments at times, which makes sense. But H and I are pretty clear that my infatuation with him was really a symptom of the problems with our M.

 

Thanks again.

[coryreply]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. It sounds like you and your husband have a lot of work to do to get things back on track.

 

To my knowledge, separation works best when it is agreed upon by both spouses and parameters and rules of separation are clearly stated. This way, you both can put in the effort and work that needs to be put in without either one of you feeling betrayed or hurt by the other's decisions.

 

Maybe think more about seeing a counselor that can help you facilitate all of this. You guys are in my prayers today. Hang in there!

[starglider]

Thank you for your prayers, Coryreply,

 

That does make sense to map this out through a MC before initiating a separation.

 

Oh boy, I can't believe the pain. The pain for us both.

 

It is so hard to keep things together with our daughter around the house on winter break this week.

 

Almost nothing can distract me from all of this heart ache.

[Josmatjes]

I'm in the same boat as you...exactly....exit affair, 3 kids, scared,anxious... Afraid of what people will think....getting separated in a day or two...

But I have to do this for myself.....I have to trust I'll be okay

Talk to your fourth grader...I'm a aide in a fourth grade class and they are smart kids. Leave room for discussion and make sire they know it's not anything they did....keep the line of communication open because children don't have the tools to deal with these emotions like adults do...

[MajorOak]

Sorry to hear of this predicament you are in, like phoenix19, I was on the receiving end.

I found out what was going on with my wife and her OM by accident.

I was completely destroyed.

 

 

My wife was in limbo for 5 months toing and froing between me and him.

In the end I had to make the decision for her, I told her to go live with him.

 

 

She lasted 5 days

 

 

Her perceived life with him and actually living with him were two very different things.

 

 

I'm not saying this is how it will unfold in your case. What I am saying is think long and hard about your next move, when it comes out it will not be good for anybody involved. It really is a life changer.

 

 

good luck.

[starglider]

It has been a terrible week for me as I've contemplated this decision of separation/divorce. Very little sleep, terribly anxious, can't concentrate on anything.

 

I had time alone with my H in the small business we run (daughter at a playdate) and we had a tearful and loving conversation. Went over a lot of the resentments we've been holding toward one another and were able to hear these things with openness and compassion this time. Usually we each get defensive. I joked that we did so well talking, we saved $125 by not needing an MC for the conversation. He laughed hard.

 

I guess the primary issue on my end is that is has been a sexless marriage for several years. Either due to his depression or he's lost interest in me (though I'm the same weight as I was when we got married). We still love each other but I told him at age 45, I just don't want to live in a sexless marriage any more. He understands.

 

He first suggested an open marriage for me and I said that was too creepy and strange to consider, and it would be confusing to our daughter. I have no interest in that. He could see why.

 

We agreed we'll try MC. At least we'll learn skills for co-parenting here. I told him we'll still do all the things we do best together. I'll come over for American Idol, he loves cooking, we'll have movie night. He'll likely keep our house where the pets he adores live. We co-own a business 10 minutes away that has two bedrooms and a kitchen there, so I could live there. We can still even run the business together if we're getting along. I guess I'll have to look into matters with a lawyer.

 

But now I'll be able to date available men and try to find companionship and someone who shares interests with me. (During H's depression for past few years, he doesn't like to go out so I end up doing social things alone or join up with other couples).

 

We'll see what happens, but I feel so much better than I have in months ... actually years ... and can't believe that the conversation went so well. We both want to see each other happy and we'll always be there for one another into old age. I think our daughter will be so much happier to be living with both of us in a household free of tension and resentment.

 

I truly would love to see him with another person who makes him happy and makes his face light up as mine once had.

 

My biggest concern in not doing this earlier was that he might be suicidal. Even though he doesn't have many friends up here, he at least has one and can talk with her. He says he does not feel like he wants to harm himself over this news. I was so relieved I burst into tears.

 

So we'll see if it is divorce, separation first, or something. But whatever it is, I truly think we'll both be happier and we'll have lives that overlap together where we do the things together that made us happiest.

 

Thanks to you all for reading.

 

It just occurred to me that this is such a sunny and optimistic narrative, I should be prepared if things get awful, hurtful, and ugly. I truly hope they don't. What a wonderful thing it would be if we can really have an amicable and loving split.

[starglider]

Thank you, Josamaties, for the advice regarding my daughter. That is an important reminder to make sure she knows it is not her fault. Good luck to you in your situation. Stay strong and find happiness.

 

I'm glad you took matters into your own hands, MajorOak. I'm sorry it came about after discovering an A. I'm glad it was a sobering reality that her fantasy and the real world were totally different things.

 

In my case the I man say was my EA didn't really have feelings for me and I fully see it was a projection/infatuation on my part. For me it was a wake up call about having the goal of living the next 45 years of my life with someone beyond the roommate scenerio I've been in for a quite a few years.

Edited February 20, 2015 by starglider

[Decisiontomake]

I am 10 months into separation from my husband and we, like you and your H, started off very amicably, and on the whole have remained that way. Some of what you've said resonates with me - I'm 41 and asked myself the mid life crisis question too. I don't have answers. Am still in limbo - not divorcing, not reconciling, breaking up from a PA - it's been a rough ride and before anyone chirps up and says it, most of it at my own doing (accept the marriage breakdown which I fought hard for for years and was both our doing). It's a rollercoaster for sure so ride out this good time, and steal a little strength for the harder times. LS has been a great source of support, so I hope you'll find that too.

[merrmeade]

What? What??? WHAT???

 

Just decided to delete two previous reactive paragraphs and state the reactions instead. Maybe it will be useful. Maybe not. Maybe you won't care. But I'm sure you would not have understood my previous eruption.

 

In your previous thread about the "friendship," you presented your dilemma. You felt some attraction for a man you saw at work, you felt flattered and warmed by his attentions and when he surprised you with that "ILY,' you surprised yourself with "ILY" back. The LS response was generally that you were deluding yourself, not facing the facts and were on the road to an affair. You thanked each poster and reported about efforts to renew your marriage. You planned to start MC and IC. Other than the vague dissatisfaction you'd had with your husband's depression, you did not mention seriously contemplating separation or divorce. Then, suddenly at the end of that thread, we are referred to this forum in which you announce your plans to move out.

 

Even here, you discuss little as to the urges, fears or other actual thoughts and feelings behind the anticipated move. I find this turn of events (a) surprising that you took this little discussed detour; (b) disappointing that you gave up so soon, before the MC had even been given a chance; and © disturbing that what you write seems to be so out of touch with your actions and what you must be feeling. You have posted so much about your situation and continue to post, but the information shared does not jibe with the actions you take. You say you understand and embrace NC, then contact the OM. You want to become close again to your husband but give excuses for not being fully transparent. And then suddenly you're planning to separate with little explanation as to why.

 

I don't think you know and wonder why you are posting here.

Edited February 21, 2015 by merrmeade

[DKT3]

What? What??? WHAT???

 

Just decided to delete two previous reactive paragraphs and state the reactions instead. Maybe it will be useful. Maybe not. Maybe you won't care. But I'm sure you would not have understood my previous eruption.

 

In your previous thread about the "friendship," you presented your dilemma. You felt some attraction for a man you saw at work, you felt flattered and warmed by his attentions and when he surprised you with that "ILY,' you surprised yourself with "ILY" back. The LS response was generally that you were deluding yourself, not facing the facts and were on the road to an affair. You thanked each poster and reported about efforts to renew your marriage. You planned to start MC and IC. Other than the vague dissatisfaction you'd had with your husband's depression, you did not mention seriously contemplating separation or divorce. Then, suddenly at the end of that thread, we are referred to this forum in which you announce your plans to move out.

 

Even here, you discuss little as to the urges, fears or other actual thoughts and feelings behind the anticipated move. I find this turn of events (a) surprising that you took this little discussed detour; (b) disappointing that you gave up so soon, before the MC had even been given a chance; and © disturbing that what you write seems to be so out of touch with your actions and what you must be feeling. You have posted so much about your situation and continue to post, but the information shared does not jibe with the actions you take. You say you understand and embrace NC, then contact the OM. You want to become close again to your husband but give excuses for not being fully transparent. And then suddenly you're planning to separate with little explanation as to why.

 

I don't think you know and wonder why you are posting here.

She wants to bang her crush. Finding that he split from his wife sent her mind into over drive. Nothing else can be said here. She will be back in a few months crying "what have I done"

[starglider]

I don't know if it is a midlife crisis but I felt clarity that I had been in denial about the problems in my marriage, the fact that the power relationship is so off and has been for so long with me being the bread earner etc. The thought of 45 or so more years in a relationship where I'm the one supporting us, and in a relationship that had become sexless, and where I've lost respect for my husband for not being a provider, a lover, and stepping up. I've made mistakes and have become more controlling and have been less able to change negative aspects of myself. I'm all over the place a mess anyway, trying to figure things out, so that can't be pleasant for him either. Divorce went against my belief system and I always promised we'd never ever divorce. But this promise made me feel trapped.

 

The infatuation was a symptom of the problems I felt in the M. Giving myself permission to divorce, in a worst case scenario, felt like the right thing to do. And I need to face it head on.

 

My IC appointment is in less than a week.

[DKT3]

I don't know if it is a midlife crisis but I felt clarity that I had been in denial about the problems in my marriage, the fact that the power relationship is so off and has been for so long with me being the bread earner etc. The thought of 45 or so more years in a relationship where I'm the one supporting us, and in a relationship that had become sexless, and where I've lost respect for my husband for not being a provider, a lover, and stepping up. I've made mistakes and have become more controlling and have been less able to change negative aspects of myself. I'm all over the place a mess anyway, trying to figure things out, so that can't be pleasant for him either. Divorce went against my belief system and I always promised we'd never ever divorce. But this promise made me feel trapped.

 

The infatuation was a symptom of the problems I felt in the M. Giving myself permission to divorce, in a worst case scenario, felt like the right thing to do. And I need to face it head on.

 

My IC appointment is in less than a week.

 

Hmm, it all sounds too convenient. In your time here you sound like two different people with two different views of the same story. The only change from the first part to the second part is finding out your interest has parted ways with his wife. Of course I don't expect you to see this but its clear as day. Everything else is window dressing.

 

I stand by my comments, go to your fantasy man, nothing will stop you at this point, have your fling. Then hurry back and tell us how you wish it would have never happened, and how you never intended it. Truth is your setting the stage.

[Macattack]

I don't know if it is a midlife crisis but I felt clarity that I had been in denial about the problems in my marriage, the fact that the power relationship is so off and has been for so long with me being the bread earner etc. The thought of 45 or so more years in a relationship where I'm the one supporting us, and in a relationship that had become sexless, and where I've lost respect for my husband for not being a provider, a lover, and stepping up. I've made mistakes and have become more controlling and have been less able to change negative aspects of myself. I'm all over the place a mess anyway, trying to figure things out, so that can't be pleasant for him either. Divorce went against my belief system and I always promised we'd never ever divorce. But this promise made me feel trapped.

 

The infatuation was a symptom of the problems I felt in the M. Giving myself permission to divorce, in a worst case scenario, felt like the right thing to do. And I need to face it head on.

 

My IC appointment is in less than a week.

 

You're not being realistic. It's harder for men to get jobs because there are job quotas in companies which are forced or pressured to hire more women wether they are less qualified doesn't matter. On top of that the economy is getting worse. There is a reason that the 2008 recession is called mancession. It's due to the fact more men lost their jobs than women. The jobs that are created are more likely for women.

 

I am not saying he can't provide for you but you are being very unrealistic with your situation.

 

 

Economy: The Man-cession and the He-covery ? USATODAY.com

 

Obama wants stimulus projects to hire more minorities, women | Top Story | McClatchy DC

 

You should look at these so called problems are challenges. For a relationship to grow there is usually growing pains. If you don't respect your husband that makes him depressed. You see him as failure. What you need to do is see it as an education. If you told him that he didn't fail but learned how not to run a business. Real failure is when a person gives up but it looks like he failed so he gets depressed and is probably thinking why even bother trying.

 

There is a guy named Dean Esmay on youtube he is married. He has stated sometimes he was out of work and his wife would provide for the family and sometimes she was out of work and he provided for the family.

This is how marriages suppose to work. If a person lose respect it will be difficult to change things.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Macattack

[starglider]

Thank you, Macattack, for the insight about reframing the problems as challenges and the perspective of the global economy and its impact on men. That is a useful perspective.

 

And DKT3 , no I'm not heading that direction of a fling. All of the divorce books I'm reading and the LS threads make me so thankful that I never crossed the line into a PA. The betrayal, pain, hurt, anger etc of that mistake are totally apparent to me. I've been going to church again lately and that reinforced my moral compass on such a matter.

 

Still in limbo, contemplating separation and D and reconciliation but more importantly looking forward to IC on Monday.

[Macattack]

If you focus on leaving you will find reasons to leave. If you focus on over coming the hardships you will find the answer. Your experiences doesn't really dictate how you feel, it's the meaning you give them. I suggest you read a book called Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins. He provides great tools to change things. It's a good book for your husband to read also. You might want to watch this video.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Macattack

[Jmk21]

This is why I won't get married. Times get tough women turn to another man instead of their man and his support chain first.

[Ebelskiver]

I can't believe you guys are actually saying that she should stay with a man who would rather her sleep with someone else than have sex with her!!!!! And he's been out of work for 5 years!.!!!!! That's not the economy, that's lazy. I empathize with his depression but that's still no reason to put up with abuse for years. And constant criticism and irritability is a form of abuse.

 

Get real. If the roles were reversed you would be telling him to dump her. A sexless marriage is no joke. Someone who won't deal with their depression and makes everyone walk on eggshells isn't a keeper. He's had 15 years to turn into a decent husband. He failed.

[Ebelskiver]

This is why I won't get married. Times get tough women turn to another man instead of their man and his support chain first.

 

The reason she turned to another man is because her husband was MIA. He doesn't deserve a pass for years of being an a$$. Reality just finally caught up to him. Don't want this happening to you? Stay engaged, present, and kind in your marriage. Don't use depression as an excuse to check out.

[Macattack]

I can't believe you guys are actually saying that she should stay with a man who would rather her sleep with someone else than have sex with her!!!!! And he's been out of work for 5 years!.!!!!! That's not the economy, that's lazy. I empathize with his depression but that's still no reason to put up with abuse for years. And constant criticism and irritability is a form of abuse.

 

Get real. If the roles were reversed you would be telling him to dump her. A sexless marriage is no joke. Someone who won't deal with their depression and makes everyone walk on eggshells isn't a keeper. He's had 15 years to turn into a decent husband. He failed.

Nope, I tell all men never to get married for this reason exactly. Also she is the one who lost respect for him because he can't provide. I would suggest the guy to leave her. She is going to have to pay alimony anyways considering she is the bread winner.

 

 

Liza Mundy: In De-Gendering of Divorce, Women Pay Ex-Husbands Alimony | TIME.com

Edited March 2, 2015 by Macattack

[Macattack]

I can't believe you guys are actually saying that she should stay with a man who would rather her sleep with someone else than have sex with her!!!!! And he's been out of work for 5 years!.!!!!! That's not the economy, that's lazy. I empathize with his depression but that's still no reason to put up with abuse for years. And constant criticism and irritability is a form of abuse.

 

Get real. If the roles were reversed you would be telling him to dump her. A sexless marriage is no joke. Someone who won't deal with their depression and makes everyone walk on eggshells isn't a keeper. He's had 15 years to turn into a decent husband. He failed.

Let's see my father used to be a millionaire, he lost it all. He couldn't get a job and was out of work a little over 5 years. My step mother never lost respect for him or anything like that. Then he started a business and made some money and retired. You see my step mom didn't lose respect, in fact my step mom supported him through thick and thin.