contact1 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 How does one overcome the sense of fear when they are about planning to divorce or even going through the process? Even though in my mind and heart I know for sure divorce is the right course to take, fear still creeps its way in my mind, and it's best pal "doubt" follows along with it. So how do people here, who are planning, are going through, or have been through a divorce deal with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 There comes a time when your Tolerance reaches it's critical breaking point that it supersedes Fear and Doubt. When you've had enough, there's no room for fear and doubt in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I am still stuck in that state of fear and will be reading the responses to this post. I know the right course of action in my situation should probably be to get a D, but my views from childhood and how I see blended families get in the way. I don't want my kids to experience it. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 My divorce took four grueling years. I lived in fear and worry for the majority of that time. Every single thing I imagined, worried about, and feared DID NOT come to pass. All that energy was completely wasted, and drove me juts for nothing. "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." FDR's First Inaugural Address. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 The only way to overcome fear is to face up to it. Allow yourself to feel the fear without trying to push it away. Trying to push it away creates tremendous inner tension, and feeds the fear. Notice the physical sensations in you body that come with it, but don't try to suppress them, just notice the way your body feels. Allow yourself to fully experience it for a few minutes, and then just go about your business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteWingedDove Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'm also in this position... fear of a horrible reaction is what I most worry about. But I can see how the time is coming where I will be fully willing to face that fear, as the fear of *not changing* and staying stuck in unhappiness becomes the greater fear! One has to be willing to face the fear, but also be ready to face it, if that makes sense... you have to be at the right place within yourself. I think Good support from others helps get to that place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author contact1 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 My divorce took four grueling years. I lived in fear and worry for the majority of that time. Every single thing I imagined, worried about, and feared DID NOT come to pass. All that energy was completely wasted, and drove me juts for nothing. "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself." FDR's First Inaugural Address. Yas Omg four years??? May I ask why it took so long? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Omg four years??? May I ask why it took so long? Sure. Complete non-cooperation on his part. Huge assets with document production he needed to produce, but refused, although he had the resources and Accountant to handle the matter. In retrospect, I can see that the attorneys contributed to this situation. What I found to be a couple unnecessary court dramas only perpetuated his anger/stalling and my "fear" didn't help matters. I even observed the attorneys sparring in the hallway outside the Courtroom to "impress" him - but it was fake - I could tell, it was complete theatrics. He had steam coming out his ears that day. I spoke up to my attorney that day, about the waste of time and money, as we settled the simple matter without even seeing the Judge - and it could have been done over the phone (rather than causing the anger scene, and costing at least $10,000 between us to go to the Court). She cocked he head, and said to me, as if speaking to a child: "Yas, if you don't have any faith in me........." What that meant, (between the lines), was that if I didn't shut up, I would be without an attorney in the middle of my case, if I had the nerve again to question anything. And, indeed, I didn't have access to the money, he did. And, no attorney would take over this huge case in the middle without a heavy duty retainer - at least as big as the one I gave her - $20,000. I no longer had that much credit a available to me. So, basically - she had Carte Blance, and charged up the wazoo, did what she wanted. She worked my "fear" of being disabled and alone (by a good cop/bad cop technique), and his attorney worked his anger. That is how, at least my side ran up a bill of over $225,000 over that 4 year period. Sucks, huh? I was afraid of her. I should have stood up to her. But I did in the end. I caught her lying to me, and fired her just before the Judge was settling the legal fees portion of the case. And I filed a bar complaint against her. I'm not finished with this matter either. That is the story of half million dollar divorce of 4 years with the supposedly best attorneys in Atlanta. Right. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 How does one overcome the sense of fear when they are about planning to divorce or even going through the process? Congratulations. Identifying fear and focusing on the aspects of it are IMO the first and healthiest step. Even though in my mind and heart I know for sure divorce is the right course to take, fear still creeps its way in my mind, and it's best pal "doubt" follows along with it. That's completely human and normal. Do you fear death and loss? Divorce is both. So how do people here, who are planning, are going through, or have been through a divorce deal with this? Perhaps I was fortunate, in that I worked my fears in MC, even though the MC wasn't begun to specifically address that aspect. IME, breaking down the fear into components and processing each component was of enormous help to myself. Drilling the unknown nebulous down to, OK, what's going on today and how do I address that? Also, the psychologist helped in the breaking down process by suggesting actively focusing on a success each day and the attendant emotional components of that success. Even if the rest of the day went to shyte, that success shone through. It didn't have to be a monumental one, rather a simple and small one I could build on. Lastly, hate. It's easy to hate an adversary. It seems normal to do so. One can go with those feelings or choose to process them differently. Emotions are generally strong in a divorce due to the large emotional investment one has made in one's spouse and marriage, so processing those emotions to a more neutral state is the work, presuming one wants to finish things and move on. Myself, I had to rediscover the generally positive outlook on life I had cultivated during the decades prior to being married and validate that as being normal. The rancor and negative feelings of the moment would pass and, yep, they did. In a way, my exW, who had been divorced twice before, was a great example. To her it was business and something to get through. In a way, even with the attendant financial reverses of divorce, I couldn't have asked for a more ideal partner to end things with. Crunch it, keep it simple and get on with life. Good lessons. I don't fear divorce anymore. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Like Yas, I am already realizing that a lot of my fear was a waste of time and energy. But at the time, kind of necessary nonetheless. I believe it is possible to do it this way: Act with integrity. Make every decision based on what is right. That means that if you have kids, what is right for the kids. It means make informed decisions based on what the law says is the correct thing-- because law governs divorce. Yeah, there are ways to optimize your position I suppose. But usually, the laws are based on some theory. (Quick example: Certain types of spousal support are called "compensatory," and depending on the jurisdiction, that kind of support is likely based on whether the spouse helped you get your career e.g. supporting you financially while you went to grad school). Figure out what the legal theory is, not just your own opinion of what's fair (again, because laws govern divorce). Act according to those theories and to your own moral compass too. An example of ignoring the legal theory and acting on one's own "theory" of divorce includes: Using the divorce to get vengeance on an adulterer. Asking for money or keeping the kids from someone jsut because they cheated. There may be some justice to that in a person's mind, but it's not backed up by any legal theory (at least in the U.S. where divorce is no-fault)-- and so it just backfires. After acting with integrity and making sound decisions, leave the rest to fate. Don't try too hard to control or anticipate the other side-- that's what will cause so much stress. If you make informed, sane, legally and morally sound choices, then your only job is to get through it-- and you will. I didn't do all that. I mean, I did-- I acted with integrity (I think) and with a mind toward what the legal theories were. But I also fretted like mad and lived in fear of what my loose-cannon ex would do. That was a waste of time. I hope you can do it a little more smoothly. but if not, at least you'll get through it some way. While you are living in fear, I recommend some emotional band-aids. Feeling the fear and accepting it is best. But if you can't do that, use some band-aids from time to time to get through. Fear band aids are not as easy as sadness ones, IMO, because you're in a panic state. My fear band-aids were lots of talking with close friends, loud-blasting classical music, and super early bedtime since mornings always seem more hopeful. And here is how I have been keeping a short-duration divorce (so far-- it's not quite over): First, I live in a jurisdiction with a local rule where all divorce trials must be set within 6 months of filing date. There are rare exceptions, but the presiding judge runs a tight ship. Find out whether your jurisdiction has a local rule about tiiming of divorce trials. Second, I chose a very experienced lawyer. He is familiar with divorce-timing rules and therefore he doesn't dink around with it. Third, I made sure my lawyer was the direct, blunt kind. He does not waste my time and his money by doing extra stuff to run up a bill, but he does enough. Opposing counsel knows he means it when he makes an offer, and he has a reputation for not really haggling. That's because he is reasonable as well as tough and direct. He accurately assesses a case. Those kinds of lawyers help a divorce go faster. Finally, we had few assets, no shared business, and we didn't do a custody study or anything. All that takes more time. Best of luck, keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) How does one overcome the sense of fear when they are about planning to divorce or even going through the process? Even though in my mind and heart I know for sure divorce is the right course to take, fear still creeps its way in my mind, and it's best pal "doubt" follows along with it. So how do people here, who are planning, are going through, or have been through a divorce deal with this? Read my signature. Repeat it to yourself as necessary. If it makes you feel any better, my divorce was complete in 3 months from filing to having my papers in my hand. Not all divorces are drawn out and terrible. Edited January 31, 2015 by MJJean 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Therapy, some exercise, trying to occupy my mind, but it just took time. Fear was over in about 6-8 months. Depression lasted 1.5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author contact1 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Thanks for everyone that has responded to this, it really is helpful during this chaotic time I am going through I'll heed the advise of keeping myself busy and to not cower from the fear, but to acknowledge it and just keep moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 The best way I overcame my fears was to identify them, face them and get to the other side by a ton of contrary action. Nothing in my life now looks like it did during my 23 years with my ex husband. Nothing! It's very freeing once the pace quickens. I found the authentic me after discarding all my fears. It's worth it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tallan Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Contact1, I feel blinded by the same fear. what if.....what if she won't let me go. What if the kids hate me. What if my AP leaves me. What if I end up alone and hated. ....fear! Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteWingedDove Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 ^^^^^ ... what if you stayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author contact1 Posted February 6, 2015 Author Share Posted February 6, 2015 ^^^^^ ... what if you stayed. Staying would be worst for sure. Luckily (if you can even call it a good thing ) just about each day is a reminder of why I will be leaving, with her attitude and responses, it just keeps getting reinforced each day. Link to post Share on other sites
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