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Husband refuses to tell the kids with me


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Hello everyone,

 

First of all, I have been enjoying reading the forums and having access to all of your valuable insights. So thank you! Now, it's my turn to ask you all for some advice.

 

My husband and I are separating. We need to tell the kids soon, i.e. this weekend. However, since I am the one who initiated the separation, he refuses to sit with me while I tell the kids. I can't force him to do it, but what I need to know, is how do I handle the conversation when I am the one physically leaving and he won't tell them with me. I had a dialogue all worked out about how we had done a lot of talking and a lot of thinking, and together we decided that it would be best if mommy gets her own place so we can have two houses. He scoffs at this because, even though he agrees that we should separate, I am the one who initiated and he feels he should have no part in telling them. I guess I am asking you all, how do you think I should handle this conversation?

 

My daughters are 8 and 18. My 18 year old is his step daughter.

 

Thanks so much for your time.

Edited by Genoveva
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Hello everyone,

 

First of all, I have been enjoying reading the forums and having access to all of your valuable insights. So thank you! Now, it's my turn to ask you all for some advice.

 

My husband and I are separating. We need to tell the kids soon, i.e. this weekend. However, since I am the one who initiated the separation, he refuses to sit with me while I tell the kids. I can't force him to do it, but what I need to know, is how do I handle the conversation when I am the one physically leaving and he won't tell them with me. I had a dialogue all worked out about how we had done a lot of talking and a lot of thinking, and together we decided that it would be best if mommy gets her own place so we can have two houses. He scoffs at this because, even though he agrees that we should separate, I am the one who initiated and he feels he should have no part in telling them. I guess I am asking you all, how do you think I should handle this conversation?

 

My daughters are 8 and 18. My 18 year old is his step daughter.

 

Thanks so much for your time.

 

I hope someone with children will post and offer advice. Sounds like your husband wants the kids to blame you and see you as the bad guy, at least your younger child, who will be most affected. Have you talked to your older daughter? Is she on "your side"?

 

What are the reasons behind the desire to separate?

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Hi LoveMyCat,

 

Neither one of our children know yet. I am hoping to avoid any blaming. My oldest loves him, so I don't think she will take sides. He has mentioned being afraid of looking like the "bad guy."

 

The reasons for separation are complicated. There are no affairs or third parties. Basically, after years of emotional abuse and spending us into near bankruptcy I decided I had enough. If I stay in this marriage, not only will I be ruined financially, I will be ruined emotionally. I was almost hospitalized from the anxiety perpetrated from this marriage. We have been married for nine years and I feel like I have worked very hard to voice my concerns and work with him to fix things. I am the one moving out because I cannot afford the house by myself and I don't want to have to sell if we can help it. The girls love this house. We are going to share custody 50/50 of our 8 year old.

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This will be two separate conversations, right? One would have a very different discussion with an 18-yr old than with an 8 yr old, especially given one going and one staying.

 

Assuming things as you describe, your older daughter knows more than you think. Probably same true with the younger one. I can tell you from experience, all under the same roof, very little happens in a vacuum.

 

Tell them the age-appropriate truth as you've described. Be patient and non-judgmental. For your 8-yr old, she'll simply want to know how the change will affect her. Best of luck, it's a difficult - but survivable - transition for all involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

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