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Caught ex, finally!


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Wow, I'm still in a delirium about what happened today.

 

This will be a looong story, so consider yourselves forewarned...

 

My wife and myself were happy..or so I thought. Up until about a year ago we seemed fine to me. Yeah we had our issue which was that I could not find a good job and she resented having to pay for everything. I have always agreed and if I could have found one I would have.

 

Just the same we seemed ok. She said things like "don't worry about finding work, I make plenty for us both" or "You make me so happy that even if you never found a job I'm happy to be married to you" etc.

 

Enter the first screw...

 

About a year ago, this couple showed up at our door. They were Realtors and had printed material showing the house we lived in's purchase price (which she paid), the current value and what we could do with the money. I was against doing anything because if real estate went up, our house wasn't alone and it would be ridiculous to try to "sell up". She got a bug up her ass though.

 

Two months later, the tenants of her rental house (where she lived before we married) decided they were moving out since the lease was up. Around this time (while now looking for a new house to move "up" to), we met a new Realtor who is very cool, smooth and a kind-of big shot. He ended up listing her house, and selling it within a couple months. I'd say it sold in April. Oddly she had some rendezvous with him to sign papers in a local park where she suddenly decided she was going to go for walks regularly a month before. I thought it odd, but didn't concern myself.

 

She kept going for a daily walk there for months. I was pleased she was getting much-needed exercise for a change, but something in her was different. She decided to take up real estate as a hobby (signed up for a class) and also decided to try to get this guy to "mentor" her. Meanwhile, she got colder and more hostile toward me. I KNEW something was going on but had no proof.

 

A week or so later, she came home dejected and said he didn't want to mentor her, and she gave up on the real estate. This was all about a month before she kicked me out of the house. I suspect she would have then, but we had a vacation planned for June-Jul. She kicked me out Jul 8, two days after we returned.

 

There was always something in my craw about this, but I let it go and gave her the benefit of the doubt. There was certainly not much time for any real feelings to have developed, and of course she was my faithful wife for years!

 

Fast-forward to present. I decided to take up a new career in Insurance. A marketing scheme came to mind. I knew this Realtor hired people to watch his open houses so he could have like three or four on the same day. I would offer to do that for free in exchange for getting my ass in front of prospects. Everyone told me it was a brilliant idea including this Realtor who said he would for sure do that starting this weekend. I was excited and thougth nothing else of it.

 

So, today my STBX contacted me and asked how the Insurance biz is going. I told her great, and about this idea. The response was amazing! First she was pissed because she thought I was teasing her. Then she asked why of all people I would contact him (and used the word "jealousy".) Then she said she was "floored" by my plan. She went on and on.

 

All this went by during a string of texts while I was at work, so I didn't read that carefully. Tonight I re-read it more closely, and I realize she said that she hadn't seen him since July!

 

Huh? July? The house sale and mentor thing fizzled in April at the latest. Why would she have seen him in July?

 

Then she says this weird thing which was "well, you both lose because neither of you will ever have sex with me in the future". Again, huh?

 

After realizing this, I more carefully re-read the sting of texts and it becomes pretty obvious. She agreed with me that "life can really throw things at you", said that "the joke is on her" etc. The sheer panic in her texts speaks volumes. After thinking about it, when I met this Realtor last weekend, he acted very peculiarly as well. He was so pleased to see me. Pleased to talk to me. His first question when we met was how is my wife etc. He was so happy to work with me.

 

Now obviously there is still no proof of any malfeasance, and even if it's true, I am not sure how to feel about it now. My first thought was just one of extreme interest. My later thoughts were it's over anyhow, why should I care? Later it was well, I knew it anyway, why should I care? Now it's well, I'd still like to get something out of this guy, so why should I care?

 

The only part of me that is truly wary is the part that thinks I have been a dupe. the part that suspects they may have played me, were laughing behind my back, and thought they got away with something. The rest of me, even the part that harbors a small feeling of wanting to reconcile, still seems OK with it as is. Like even if we got back together, I don't think they ever had sex, so could pretend nothing happened...but of course there is always the doubt.

 

So, this will keep me awake for awhile. I know my best action now is to play it completely cool, watch them both panic and get what I can out of them while I can, both in help with my new business and information given subconsciously.

 

I am also amazed how easy my wife is to read! She just blurts sh*t out. I can only imagine the guilt and paranoia that must be going through her mind tonight, knowing I will be working with this guy, buying him some drinks after a day's work, and getting to know him better while we talk business. :lmao::cool::mad::confused::sick: I finally feel the shoe is truly on the other foot for a change!

 

Ken

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I have been in a situation where I uncovered a cheating spouse, but in the long run I dont think its good for you Ken.

 

Please re-read your post, take a look at what you are doing, and I have read a lot of your stuff with Ralph.

 

Its bordering on a bit freaky, what are you going to gain from it, you are using the pain of this to drive you on and I dont think its healthy.

 

I know you are driven to knowing the truth but this could really take you further down and at this point all the experts on here will tell you closure comes from yourself, OK so he says we had sex, what are you going to do then.

 

Assume they did, because they probably did, walk away from his mentoring and get someone else Ken, this aint good mate.

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Ken our situations become more bizzare, you were kicked out on July 8th I had the bomb dropped on me July 9th, with regards what you now know then I think I get what your trying to say, you are thinking that your contact with this bloke is going to play mind games with them ?, what I will say is this, nuts to them just think of you and your kids for now, I think your showing a lot of mental strength but you need to ensure that it doesn't go against you and start to affect your own mental health, as you know I am suffering from depression, anxiety, and stress and its feel bad very bad, make sure mate that what you are doing or planning doesn't play against you.

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Is this guy married? If he is, hold onto those texts from your STBXW. You might want to talk to this OMW and see if she can make heads or tails of things.

 

 

Maybe you'll find out that the reason he wouldn't "mentor" your STBXW is because his wife found out about them. You never know!

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It sounds to me like your wife assumes that Realtor has told you all about their affair. In her mind, you and Realtor are like a couple of her ex-boyfriends sitting around and swapping stories about her.

 

If you want further proof of the affair, you can always mention to Realtor, "I just want you to know that my wife told me all about you guys and there's no hard feelings or anything--I've moved on and I'm thrilled we're no longer together." Then see how he reacts.

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Yep. "Be Stong" is on to her, also. Haha.

 

I did the same kinda thing. Oh dear, did I get an ear full, more than expected. He said, "you should have told me to stop seeing her." Right, like it was all my fault. Cheater's Handbook 101 - Blame your spouse.

 

Do it, use it, play them both against each other. And tape it, also. I love the lines "Be Strong" gave you. Just act like old chums. Bahahahahahahahahahaha. Yas

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Wow, very different responses than I expected, but then I had just put this together before I wrote last night, so hadn't fully digested it. In fact since I was on the phones today for ten hours, I still have not had any time to digest it.

 

Thanks ralfgarnett for your concerns for my well being. I consider you a good friend here now, and I will definitely heed your words. That is amazing that in addition to our other similarities that we both broke up within a day! Was there a radiation cloud circling the Earth that time? I will not get too deeply into this. However, I do still intend to pretend I have figured out nothing. The Realtor and I are in the process of figuring out which house I will be watching and when, and today, surprisingly, my wife asked me to tell her so she can bring me my birthday present. Things do just keep getting weirder. I hope it's not a grenade! :laugh:

 

At this point, curiosity wouldn't let me stop any more than the fact that I still think it's a great marketing strategy and must see it happen. I couldn't stop it any more than I could just stop hearing. I guess I'm a little obsessive sometimes?

 

Besides, I feel I am getting more numb to our relationship anyway. I have felt for over a month that she can't hurt me anymore. Ralfgarnett, that may be one psychological tool you can use. Truly realize that she has done the worst she can do to you already, so she has lost her power. Once you really start to feel that what's left in her arsenal is useless against you (what is she going to do, kick you in the nuts? Would that hurt more than what she has done?) then you start to feel a strength to use against her. It gets better (as it just did for me) if something happens and you suddenly realize she's in your power.

 

Chi, He is not married and has not been for many years. He's one of those people (like I may become) who is married to their work. I guess that's why he's so successful.

 

Okay, My own feelings are starting to come to the surface after a day now and I am starting to feel nothing happened between them, but my wife might have wanted something to. I can imagine her trying to get him so she could have a secure footing to dump me. I still feel in my heart that she wouldn't have slept with another man (it would seem so out of character), but it would be in character to find another relationship to move into and end ours sooner. My guess is he didn't want anything to do with her, so it ended. The July thing still makes me wonder, but she may have just said the wrong month or maybe she just ran into him. I guess I don't give a sh*t.

 

Thanks for your inputs! This will be very curious. :)

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Ken, first of all, congrats on the awesome and (sounds like) innovative idea at work. In my eyes, that's the biggie. Your relationship is, at this point, just causing you pain and getting in your way. Will you be married to your work one day, as you say? Maybe. I kind of doubt it; I see you as someone who wants to eventually be in a healthy relationship.

 

That feeling that you were duped is real. Maybe she didn't have an affair. Maybe you weren't duped by this specific incident. But somewhere along the way, you feel you've been made to do things you wouldn't have 100 percent done if you were completely deciding for yourself, with hindsight.

 

But I think you should give your past self more credit. You've been entirely conscientious and above-board. You married, loved, tried. I think you are suffering a very honorable heartache. That's ok.

 

Give your present self more credit, too. You're going through this one painful time that will not be forever. How will it end? Divorce with limited contact? Where will you live in two years, and what will some of your day-to-day be? Where would you go on a mini-vacation? What kinds of people will text you, and what will they say in their texts? Funny jokes? Invites to outings? Surely not the crazy string of texts your wife sent you-- ew. May you never have to deal with that again. In the meantime, this is the part of your life where you live through the pain and take reasonable steps to get to the future part. I think that part will be good for you. Is there some small thing you can do each day (even if just symbolic) to move toward where you want to be in five years?

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Why would she suggest that you were jealous? Why would she be pissed and floored by your new strategy? Most of all, why in the world would she say that neither of you would be having sex with her? She went for daily walks and met the dude there to sign real-estate paperwork? Does that sound normal to you?

 

It seems she has a lot of emotional investment in your interaction with this realtor.

 

She had an affair with this dude and got dumped. That's when she realized that she loved you but wasn't in love with you and subsequently dumped you. That's my conspiracy theory anyway. Got something else that makes sense?

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It sounds to me like your wife assumes that Realtor has told you all about their affair. In her mind, you and Realtor are like a couple of her ex-boyfriends sitting around and swapping stories about her.

 

If you want further proof of the affair, you can always mention to Realtor, "I just want you to know that my wife told me all about you guys and there's no hard feelings or anything--I've moved on and I'm thrilled we're no longer together." Then see how he reacts.

 

that's pretty good and if you really want to freak him out and have fun with it say something like "don't worry its not the first time we do this" or something like that

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"Thanks ralfgarnett for your concerns for my well being. I consider you a good friend here now"

 

 

Thanks mate same here, how has your week been all things considered ?, personally had a pretty crap time here, work is slow and the weather is bleak been snowing all day and pretty cold, my mind has been all over the place again, started CBT today and I had to write down a number of thoughts that trouble me, when the counsellor read them he said it seems that I am suffering a lot of pain and turmoil, that made me cry as the stark realisation of ones own personal torment is hard to stomach sometimes, anyway upwards and onwards lets pray for a better outcome for both of us Ken.

Edited by ralfgarnett
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Ken..

 

I mean this in the nicest way possible, because I do feel and live with your pain.

 

Really? You don't think she cheated on you with this guy?

 

She told you that neither of you will have sex with her again. She literally told you she had sex with him. What exactly would you need for proof?

 

Do what Be Strong said to do and see what he says. You may be surprised.

 

I honestly believe you are living in denial and using it as a coping mechanism to keep hope that you and your wife will reconcile in the future and you will harbor no ill feelings towards her if this happens.

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Keep posting Ken, I'm here to listen and reply any time you need me to.

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If it wasn't too tenuous to be around the mentor, I would have a bit of fun at his expense very likely. I'd maybe tell him that you and your ex had problems and it's over. Tell him that she had some secret mystery man around the time the mentor was seeing her. Tell him that you had a private investigator tail her and he got photos, but it's hard to make the guy out. Tell him you have been taking karate classes and have a stun gun. I would escalate this in tiny bits like you are a man obsessed. Then tell him you let it go for a while but have some new information to identify the man that the investigator's partner had but was unaware of. Tell him the investigator is out of the area for a month. Tell him the investigator told you the guy was married looks like because he tailed him home to his wife one day. Tell him you have to sign something before he will tell you the name because people tend to go off and the investigator doesn't want the liability of a murder on his hands potentially or if you choose to ruin the guy's family life. He has audio of something...the investigator uses those long distance listening microphones tell him. And then tell him he has more heartbreaking info, but you have to wait until you sign the papers that let him out of liability.

 

Instead of quitting the open house gig, I would let him end it out of nervousness. Maybe ask him what he would do to such a guy. I would gauge that response s very telling.

 

I would do some version of this if I were beyond caring too much. It is very passive aggressive, but these are unique opportunities.

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LOL Reconcile, that's just evil! :D

 

I'm unclear - you caught her doing what exactly?

 

Do you have solid evidence she cheated?

 

No, no solid evidence, just enough circumstantial evidence to make me seriously think (and post.)

 

Ken, first of all, congrats on the awesome and (sounds like) innovative idea at work. In my eyes, that's the biggie. Your relationship is, at this point, just causing you pain and getting in your way. Will you be married to your work one day, as you say? Maybe. I kind of doubt it; I see you as someone who wants to eventually be in a healthy relationship.

 

Can I just hug you?!!

 

Is there some small thing you can do each day (even if just symbolic) to move toward where you want to be in five years?

 

Absolutely, and I'm doing it. It is helping me so much, and that's getting comfortable in my new skin. I have actually gone from apprehensive, cold calling people two weeks ago, to seeing how people grow to love it! It's my future and it's getting exciting! I always was a "people person".

 

Ken..

 

I mean this in the nicest way possible, because I do feel and live with your pain.

 

Really? You don't think she cheated on you with this guy?

 

She told you that neither of you will have sex with her again. She literally told you she had sex with him. What exactly would you need for proof?

 

Do what Be Strong said to do and see what he says. You may be surprised.

 

I honestly believe you are living in denial and using it as a coping mechanism to keep hope that you and your wife will reconcile in the future and you will harbor no ill feelings towards her if this happens.

 

I appreciate your empathy! In reality, she didn't say "again". In fact I'll get her exact quote because I want it in the proper context. She said exactly "Guess what? Neither of you will ever get to sleep with me so you both lose!"

 

It's still a pretty weird thing to say.

 

ralfgarnett, I'm sorry to hear about your mood. The weather can play such a huge role! Perhaps you need to vacation in Italy for awhile!

 

Nothing unexpected about what your counselor said...pain and turmoil, yep! The good news is it will pass and I'm so glad to hear that you are doing CBT. I truly hope you can get the negative feelings out of your system and replace them with something much more positive. I'm here to listen and reply anytime as well my friend!

 

At this point, though part of me is fascinated by the idea of taunting the Realtor and her, my new career is now the most important thing in my life as it needed to be all along! I will do everything I can to make it take off. Any revenge or even learning of facts comes a distant second! I am really not able to care anymore as I have a nice callous around my heart now. It's probably permanent. I'd like to think I might find love and happiness with a wonderful woman again someday, but after losing two wives now, I know I'm damaged goods. I loved them both with all my heart and they left (one way or another) just the same. There's nothing left to hurt.

 

At the moment, that's just great! It's what I need. to answer your question ralfgarnett, my week has been the best one I have had in over six months! I'm finally starting to warm up to my new existance and am looking forward to much more of it!

 

Ken

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There's nothing left to hurt.

 

I realized this morning that wasn't true. It's 6:45a here and I just spent the last 20 min with tears running down my face thinking about my dead wife. Yesterday was her birthday and she would have been 52. I had thought about her a lot and spent yesterday celebrating her birthday privately. Just me and her.

 

I understand this is not the proper area for this post (nor even the right community), but I think last nights post had something to do with my feelings this morning too. The last opening in my hearts shell, just gaping there to be stabbed. :(

 

My dedicated wife for almost 17 years, the mother of my children. Sometimes I wonder how I can even compare what's happening now to that loss!

 

I must take this pain and turn it into motivation. I must succeed for her, if for no other reason, just so if I see her again in some afterlife, she can be proud of me. At this point, I don't care if I have to work with Satan himself, and maybe I do!

 

Okay, now that I have violated every rule Loveshack has about where and what to post, I'll get ready for work. Hopefully, in order to redeem myself in their eyes, I can give all of you going through this misery some inspiration:

 

Focus on three things: Your own future, your health and every positive thing around you. As difficult as it is to pull yourself out of the muck and mire of divorce, to forget all of the good times and wishing they could continue, you must! Life will get better and the more you try to make your life more positive, the more positive it will be! Best wishes to everyone!

 

Ken

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A very touching and heartfelt post Ken you have moved me immensely, thinking of you mate from the other side of the pond here in the snow and the ice, god bless you mate I hope you get through today and all subsequent days the very best that you can.

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Thanks Ralf.

 

Best wishes back! I had my first day at open house and it was great. I got two referrals! Maybe I need to move to the business forum. I still post here because I'm still divorcing, but it's hard to place my mind from day-to-day. Obviously I'm still hurting too. Besides, this is where my friends are!

 

I really wish I could buy you a pint. That's one place online friends have a gap.

 

I'm supposed to see my wife at tomorrow's open house. I told her where and when I'd be there and she immediately asked me if anyone else would be there. I told her the truth and said "he" might be there.

 

It's all good. One thing I learned a friggin' LONG time ago is to be truthful because it saves so much BS! I hope to see her and as a long shot, hope to see my step-daughter whom I haven't seen in about three months!!! OMG, you can't imagine the hug I would give her!

 

For the first time in I don't know how long, I'm actually going to bed looking forward to tomorrow. I hope to wake up wanting to be in the day!

 

Ken

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In response, I wish you happiness despite your weather.

 

I often wonder how people deal with their weather. I have lived here all my life. It is always pleasant (no offense)

 

Ralf, I wasn't kidding when I suggested a vacation if there's any possibility. Even a trip to the coast? I don't know. You do know better than I, but I know south is warmer. You could use a nice break from the crap.

 

I just feel you need some relief. I can talk more tomorrow. I have an open house at 8:00 in the morning (just over 8 hours from now), so must go. Take care my good friend!!

 

Ken

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Oh ken, hugs to you.

 

I'm so sorry this is happening, but why are you even in contact with her? Have you divorced yet?

 

I can't tell you if she did or didn't cheat but it all sounds awfully fishy...

 

Just concentrate on your new career, try to stay away from her and live for you my friend. It's all you can do at this point xx

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Hi Ken I hope your ok mate how did the weekend go ?, been a bit hit and miss here, I was kind of ok Friday but Saturday not too good, Sunday was ok went out for a few beers with a pal of mine but today been feeling very down and out, I'm tired though woke up early this morning but couldn't get back off to sleep, is there any news your side of the pond any news on your situation ?.

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Thanks for posting you two! You made my day.

 

I feel pretty low this evening. The open house was boring, though I felt I did it well. The Realtor turned out to be an ass, and talked down to everyone around including me. My wife decided not to show up, and when I told her the Realtor was gone, basically told me she wasn't going to show up, "don't come by, and BTW, you're the biggest dick that was ever in my life". To answer your question OTW, I was in touch because she told me she had a birthday gift to give me and I thought that was nice (tomorrow is my birthday), but instead all I got was a big "FU". I decided tonight that I will only talk to her one more time, and that will be tomorrow on my birthday to tell her that we both need to never speak again unless it's absolutely necessary. That will be my gift to myself.

 

Today, when I asked the Realtor's assistant for the contact info of the referrals, my response was from the Realtor himself saying thanks for helping, but we don't want to do this with you anymore since you're not a Realtor. After thinking about it, I'm relieved because I felt it was a huge waste of time, especially since all I have as proof of the referrals is their say-so, I don't think they exist at all, so all I did was piss away a day helping them while they blew smoke up my skirt. As I said, he's a dick (or was it an ass? Ok, a dick-ass.)

 

So, there I am. What's truly bringing me down is the realization that the only thing my wife took from our relationship is that I was a financial drain. There is nothing positive about me in her mind. That became obvious in this weekend's exchange, and it will allow me to make a clean break finally. :mad:

 

So, happy f*cking birthday to me. To top it off, I spent $225 on a marketing program at work which is yielding worse and worse results every day, today being the worst. An entire 8 hr shift sitting at a phone for seven calls, at least three of which were just "leave me alone" or similar. I think I'll remember this and not use them again. I was guaranteed at least ten, so maybe I can get a partial refund?

 

Keeping it positive though! It will get better now that my poisonous wife and a dickhead Realtor will be out of my life! I will replace them with better people and hold my head high because I am overcoming this setback with strength and dignity (except for calling them names of course LOL :cool:) Well, we all need some straw to grasp.

 

Ken

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Hi Ken so sorry things didn't go as planned, I had my birthday in December and it was pretty crap tbh, she sent me numerous presents which was nice but she couldn't be bothered showing up herself for some reason, I hope that your day will be better, just a suggestion but why don't you make it special for you ?, go out for dinner in a nice restaurant or treat yourself to Ken time and order in a nice home delivery takeaway Inidian, Chinese whatever you fancy and have a nice bottle of wine or a couple of beers but do something for you, either way I will be thinking of you mate and wishing you best birthday wishes from this chilly side of the big pond.

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