Just filed for divorce and could use the insights of others

[panther25]

Hello to anyone who reads this.

 

I just filed for divorce four days ago. I have been in a passionless, childless marriage for nearly ten years. We married less than a year after meeting ... and my wife has been unable to hold a job for more than two years during this whole time.

 

Prior to my marriage, I had near-perfect credit, plenty of money socked away in savings, investments, and retirement. Now, my credit score makes my stomach turn. Our finances are in ruins. My retirement is completely gone, with an almost insurmountable amount owed to the IRS. We just worked out a very complicated lease-purchase option on a home into which we moved at the beginning of December. To make ends meet, she was going to re-start an online business she had back in 2012. That never happened. Instead, she has sold much of our own furniture (claiming it didn't "go" with the new house), and instead of paying the lease or contractors ... bought thousands of dollars worth of items for a house we do not actually own. We are already technically in default on the terms of the lease less than 45 days in...

 

The kicker - I discovered that she was having an affair. It began just before we moved in and continued through until I discovered it at the end of December. I had become suspicious and began to pull the phone records ... and discovered all sorts of late-night texts and phone calls to a number I did not recognize. I eventually called the number, caught my wife in bed via phone with another man, and the truth came out. He had no idea she was married and immediately threw her out. Since then, he and I have communicated every day and have unravelled an extraordinarily sick and twisted thread of lies and half-truths that she told both of us. We have also come to the realization/conclusion that there is a nearly 100% chance that there is yet another third party.

 

She was supposed to be served yesterday, but that apparently has not happened yet. I have moved out of the house and am settled in a safe place somewhere else with a job transfer already in place. I had to change my phone because she was tracking it. In a last-ditch effort to get me to come home, she emailed me that she now believes she is pregnant (we have only been intimate ONCE since 2013). Despite the awfulness of the situation, I am blessed with family, friends, and co-workers that have helped me in ways I simply cannot believe or comprehend. Which brings me to my question for veterans and newbies alike:

 

Despite all of her awful behavior and despite knowing full well that I have done the right thing ... I continue to find myself going to pieces. I am a strong, healthy man who is now embarassed and ashamed that I find myself crying so hard when I get into the shower, my car, or somewhere else private. I don't really know how to get control of this. I have begun to search for divorce support groups and a therapist, but I would truly value and support the insight of others on this forum. After all, we are all here because we have gone through something similar.

 

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

[dynastic]

I just want to say I'm sorry you're hurting and you will get through this. It will be okay.

 

But until then, eat several small meals a day. Exercise every day, even if you just walk around the block. Water. Water. More water. Aim for at least 6 hours of sleep.

 

You need a best friend right now. Be your own best friend. Be nice to yourself.

[panther25]

I just want to say I'm sorry you're hurting and you will get through this. It will be okay.

 

But until then, eat several small meals a day. Exercise every day, even if you just walk around the block. Water. Water. More water. Aim for at least 6 hours of sleep.

 

You need a best friend right now. Be your own best friend. Be nice to yourself.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I am first having to go through the process of sorting out the financial mess I am in - which is both overwhelming but also relieving.

 

I have had a lot trouble eating and haven't worked out regularly in years. Which is another source of embarrassment because I was a college athlete and used to be in fantastic shape. I think you are right that I need to get physical again and begin to get my body back in order - eating, drinking (Water or Gatorade, not beer!), and working out. Although I am not overweight at all, I have lost nearly all the muscle tone I once had. I hate that.

 

One day at a time, I suppose. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them

[justaplottwist]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

You are dealing with your brain literally trying to make sense of all you have been through. It's trying to heal itself while you are detaching.

 

Because a lot of what you went through probably doesn't make sense, was traumatic, and just downright painful....your brain is really going through some things to get you where you need to be....which may make you feel like you aren't in control of your emotions. And in a way...you aren't.

 

And even though LOGICALLY everything you are doing is the right thing....your brain has to catch up emotionally. And that is a process that can take time. And you'll have setbacks and some strong emotions at first. Sadness. Anger. Depression.

 

It's normal and part of process of grieving and detachment. And there really isn't a way to "hurry" it. But knowing that it is happening, even when you aren't aware of it...can make more sense when suddenly you cry...or get angry...especially when, like you said, you know you are doing the right thing.

 

Be patient with yourself and your emotions. Get some support around you....divorce groups, this forum, understanding friends....who can give you a shoulder....or just keep reminding you you are doing the right thing.

 

Sometimes we confuse our sadness or longing feelings with not making a right decision...when really it's just our brain "doing it's thing" to make us a whole, healthy person again.

 

Your feelings that you have now obviously show you have the ability to attach, love, care for, and have deep feelings for someone. Be proud of that.

 

Again,I'm sorry for your pain. You are not alone though....there are a lot of out here that can help.

[panther25]

justaplottwist:

 

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense to me. I just feel like such a p*ssy when I start to cry. But what you're saying about the brain and emotions catching up with the logic and rational thoughts makes a lot of sense to me ... and hopefully will now make it easier to get through. I suppose the best part is to embrace it, not fight it, just let it out, and then move with the rest of the day or evening. I am trying to find divorce support group meetings that I can join, which should also help.

 

Thank you for helping me make sense of those emotions. I truly couldn't wrap my head around why I was crying over a woman I no longer love or want to be with anymore.

[justaplottwist]

I have been in a divorce group for the last six months....and it has saved me. And saved all my friends and family from having to hear about "my divorce" ad nauseum.

 

It's also nice, because you really can't understand the roller coaster of emotions that come with a divorce until you've been through one. I would go every week....and it was something I could easily look forward to to get me through my pain.

 

And I still cry at times at the man who left me and my young son. Just not as intensely....or as long. But it's taken a good year. A very hard year.

 

And please, please. Don't be embarrassed by crying. That is just human. You can't go through something like this and come out on the other side healthy if you don't go through some pretty intense emotions...and sadness is definitely one of those.

 

Buckle up...it's bumpy. But there is definitely an end....there really is.

[justaplottwist]

Oh....and I'm sure there are others that this would happen to...

 

I'd be walking around somewhere...usually in public...like a grocery store....and out of now where....suddenly feel an overwhelming sadness about the divorce....and the tears would well up in my eyes...and I'd think "Seriously? Here? C'mon!"....and then I'd race to get to my car.....or just out of the way of people....

 

then have a good cry......

 

And go on with my day.....

 

They sneak up on you sometimes....

 

Totally normal.

[panther25]

Oh....and I'm sure there are others that this would happen to...

 

I'd be walking around somewhere...usually in public...like a grocery store....and out of now where....suddenly feel an overwhelming sadness about the divorce....and the tears would well up in my eyes...and I'd think "Seriously? Here? C'mon!"....and then I'd race to get to my car.....or just out of the way of people....

 

then have a good cry......

 

And go on with my day.....

 

They sneak up on you sometimes....

 

Totally normal.

 

That actually makes complete sense to me. I was in the pharmacy getting a prescription yesterday and I'm so used to noticing things that I know she would like that I almost lost it when I saw these gummy worms she liked. GUMMY WORMS almost made me burst. It's almost comical! Funny how one's brain works, isn't it?

[storminirish]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My heart goes out to you. I'm in a similar state of mindright now. I was married for 16 years and we have two teenage daughterstogether. Last year I found out my STBXW was having an affair. She is stillwith this guy who was also married with kids btw, but, from what I hear fromhis "ex"-wife (I no longer have contact with my ex and leave alldealings with her to be done through my attorney) they have already split uptwice only to get back together again. I really don't care if they stay togetheror not...part of me hopes they will as they deserve each other. This was thesecond affair she had in our marriage. The first time I stupidly forgave andreconciled but this last time I had her legally removed from the family home.In the State I live in you have to be legally separated for one entire yearbefore filing for a divorce. I'm only half way through that period as we speak.What sucks is that my ex like yours never really worked a full time job withbenefits. She's a flaky artist type who seemed to think she was Gods gift tothe music world and spent her time socializing with fellow musicians alwaystalking about the "big breaks" that were on the horizon in terms ofbecoming recognized etc. which of course was pie in the sky baloney that nevermaterialized. I would expect someone in their teens and 20's to have suchdreams but when you reach 40 it's time for a reality check to set in! I'm awell educated engineer who has pretty much paid for and maintained the familyhousehold all of the years we were married. My problem is that I moved allthose years ago to this country to be with her from my home country and leftall of my family and friends behind. So I'm here alone. I do have close friendsI confide in but I try not to talk much about my situation any more as I fearthey may be tiring of hearing of it. My family abroad are great but havingsomeone physically present is just incomparable to a conversation once or twicea week on Skype. What sucks is that regardless of the circumstances of thebreak up and her horrible actions, apart from using adultery to have herremoved from the house it has little to no bearing on child custody or propertydistribution. I was going to go for full custody but without the support offamily here I realized that it just was not feasible. I cannot continue to worka full time job and then have to skip out every day to make school drop off andpick up runs etc. It killed me to do so but I conceded the full custody matterand we now have joint. However, because her income (she now finally got a jobwhen push came to shove) is a lot lower than mine I have to still pay her asubstantial amount each month in custody payments even though she has the girlsthe same amount of time as me. She also has her family here to help her out andfrom what my kids have told me they spend just as many day's and nights attheir grandparents house than with their Mom. So this custody money is notgoing towards buying food etc for them entirely. The first two months after sheleft I had the same emotions as you...crying uncontrollably at moments that Iwould least expect. I even had a breakdown at work during that time in front ofmy boss...uber professional that was! Thankfully, both he and the rest of mywork colleagues have been very understanding and to have a work environmentlike that has been a blessing. Anyway, after two months of crying over her Ifinally snapped out of that phase and I'm well and truly over her. In fact itshames me to say it but all I feel for her now is pure hatred and bitterness.The problems I'm going through right now at this present time are the financialworries. I came from a very poor but extremely happy and loving family. Both myparents came from a time period where a decent education was limited to thewealthy. They regardless of income and status were hard workers all their livesbut always struggled to make ends meet. They however always pushed my siblingsand I to get a good education and I was so fortunate to have such parents. Iwas able to go to college and looking back to when I had graduated thought thehardest part of life was over....how wrong I was!. Both my parents have passedaway in the past decade and that is so hard right now too as I would giveanything to have them by my side in an emotional sense right now. My siblingsare great but are spread out all over the world and while I'm in contact withthem as mentioned they have their own families and I try to bottle everythingup and appear that I'm strong to them and able to deal with it. The truth isI'm not. I, like you, am extremely worried now about finances. I should be somuch better set up in life. Instead I'm teetering on the precipice of financialruin. About ten years ago my ex convinced me to buy some rental properties asit would be extra income and would be a "retirement" for her whenthey were paid off. I was very hesitant but she was relentless in that timeabout doing it and I eventually caved. We own 4 of them as I speak in additionto our own family home. The rentals were/are a disaster....horrible tenantissues over the years where houses got completely trashed and having to dealwith evictions and loss or rent while repairing damages and trying to find newtenants. I also do pretty much all of the work on these properties myself as I cannotafford to pay anyone to do it. The values of the properties are also stagnantand my hunch is that there is little to no equity in them considering the wholehousing market collapse of a few years ago so selling them is not feasible. Myattorney fees are stacking up (6K spent already and I estimate at least thatamount again if not more before this whole nightmare is done and dusted). As Imentioned adultery plays little or no part in the State where I live so my exwill take half of my retirement at work which is the only thing of value that Ihave left at this point. She has nothing I can claim in return. However, shedoes have the financial support of her parents who I'm convinced have beenfunding her in a large way these past 6 months and who have also paid for herattorney. Now instead of crying over her I find myself completely stressed outand crying about the uncertainty of life in a financial sense and feelingsecure about my future anymore. I hold myself together in front of my daughtersevery week they are with me. I give them all the love and attention that theydeserve. But when I'm alone with my thoughts I have severe breakdowns. I hadone this morning when I first woke. Just controllable crying brought on by thestress of everything. I've have regular suicidal thoughts. One particular daylast month I drank too much while I was alone and I think was perhaps one ortwo more drinks away from ending it all. The only thing that stops thosethoughts in their tracks when they do come is how it would affect my daughtersif I was to do it. People say see a therapist but I cannot afford to pay one atthis point so my therapy is things like finding a site like this. I like youwas also very athletic but have lost 30+ pounds since this whole nightmarebegan and people have commented on how thin I've become. I do take a long walkeach day to try and clear my head but while it helps it is temporary because assoon as I'm back in the house the darkness comes again when I least expect it.I have tried the divorce groups but they didn't work for me. It doesn't mean itwon't for you however. Every situation is different. For me it's the feeling ofcoping with a life in complete ruins - at the beginning of this emotionally andnow financially - that feels overwhelming. I actually just joined this site andI have found this to be more helpful in the few days I've been reading poststhan the divorce groups. I look at other couples and families and cry tearswhen I see how happy other people are and that I'm alone and in chaosinternally. I'm not a very religious person but I do believe in good and evilforces and I think I'm battling against evil now every day. There is a darkcloud that won't go away and I fear I will never be rid of it. I hope you canstay strong and get through your own nightmare....I try to do that every dayand I know how hard it is. Good luck.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[storminirish]

apologies for the spacing of words in my post....it wouldn't leave me post when I first submitted so I had to do a cut and paste into a word document and when I pasted it back it "minced" words together somehow!!

[oldshirt]

Divorce isn't just and end of a marriage, it is an end of dreams, future plans and what you thought it was going to be. It is an emotional times and you are going to go through all sorts of wacky emotions. You'd probably be wacko if you didn't cry now and then.

 

 

However just keep reminding yourself how many tears you'd shed and how many hairs you'd pull out and how many times you'd bang your head into the wall if you stay with the psycho biotch.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm really sorry that you are going through this and that you are hurting. I hope that everything gets better for you, wishing you luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[panther25]

Thanks to all for the kind words and encouragement.

 

Got another kick in the nuts today. I had originally caught my wife cheating when she didn't come home one night. I woke up in the morning and needed the car for work. Called her cell and it was off. So I pulled the phone records and stared at this odd number that she had been calling and texting at all sorts of weird hours late at night after I had gone to bed. So after plugging the number into my phone ... and waiting for about ten minutes ... I finally called it. A man answered, and I asked if he knew my wife. There was some rustling and she got on the phone. I nearly lost my **** at that point.

 

Long story short, she had lied to the other man, and he threw her out when it became clear that she was married. He and I have since been in touch constantly, sorting through her lies and bull****. She had actually scared him quite a bit by coming onto him very strongly, claiming she was on the pill, etc, and it freaked him out enough that he refused to have intercourse with her. I left to stay with family two weeks ago for a short time, and she kept calling and texting this man, and he let me know every time. He wouldn't let her in and threatened to call the police on him. The day I returned, I got the car and left the state.

 

Two days ago, she kept texting me trying to get me to come home. Pleading and begging, swearing I was the only one, blah blah blah. All the while, I knew what she had been pulling while I was away. Then she started to track my phone, so I had to trash it and get a new one. When I stopped responding to her texts, she started to email that she needed me to come home to discuss "an emergency". I finally responded, but she wouldn't tell me what it was. So I stopped responding. Twelve hours later, she finally said she was pregnant. We have been intimate ONCE (yes that is once) in the last year, and that was the day I discovered her affair. It was so awful, I couldn't even finish. Too much info, I'm sure, and I apologize.

 

Anyway, the other man and I had both suspected that there was a third party as well, especially as we compared information. We got confirmation of it today when she called him and admitted it that she had an affair with someone else as well. He called to let me know and was thanking God that he did not give in to her because he would be scared sh*tless right now that it was his. He and I both know that, if true, it certainly belongs to the other man.

 

My attorney has told me not to respond to anything at this point. Due to the awful snowstorm here in the northeast, she hasn't been served by the marshal yet. My wife keeps emailing me asking me to come home to talk about everything, but I am not going anywhere near her.

 

What a circus.