NonCustodial Mom... I miss my kids

[norudder]

I am in a very tough place emotionally. I filed for divorce and my husband moved out just after the holidays with our two girls (6 & 4) to stay at his mom's. We'd been talking about divorce for a year but he wanted to live together separated and I couldnt do it anymore. I was 20 when we got married after dating 6 months. Its been 11 years. He's been a stay at home dad and part time student. He's 37 with an inconsistent work record. At first I agreed having a parent at home was a good idea and I had the better job. But as time went on I got more worried and I'd expressed that to him repeatedly but he threw the 'original deal' back at me. I couldnt handle the burden of being the sole provider. He said him not working was what was best for the kids. I felt like if there wasnt a financial contribution then things should be in order at home (they werent) and I could use alot of emotional support to handle the stress but he just made things more stressful (I ask for help for something and he'd say no then claim he was just kidding I'm too sensitive, or take forever to do it or just forget about it). We went to counseling. Turns out he's passive aggressive. Cant be emotionally vulnerable, never accepts responsibility, invalidates my feelings. He doesnt see anything wrong with himself and is unlikely to change. Its not a marriage I want. We coparent well together. But I miss my kids so damn much. And reading how much divorce can affect them, I'm wondering if I should just accept the marriage for what it is. I can either put up with him to be around my kids or make both myself and my kids sad by continuing down the road of splitting their world apart. Shouldnt their stability come first no matter what? I feel so guilty and selfish for wanting the divorce but gutwrenchingly sad everytime I say goodbye to those little angels with their arms around my neck asking me to stay. I dont know how people do it, I dont think I"m strong enough.

[workathome]

If you decide to divorce, your husband will have to get a job in order to support himself. You are not required to support him as a stay at home Dad if you are not married any longer.

 

Get 50/50 custody of your kids and get divorced. You husband sounds like a narcicistic jerk.

[norudder]

If you decide to divorce, your husband will have to get a job in order to support himself. You are not required to support him as a stay at home Dad if you are not married any longer.

 

Get 50/50 custody of your kids and get divorced. You husband sounds like a narcicistic jerk.

 

 

His family is supporting him being a stay at home dad while he finishes school. He gets a living stipend from the GI Bill for basic expenses and his family dont charge him rent. I feel like I'm being punished for being a grownup. Even 50/50, thats half of my kids lives I"m not seeing. I hate walking away from him means walking away from 100% of them. I identify more with weekend dads. I dont know any moms in this situation.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm sorry, divorces with kids involved are usually pretty sad . But of course he should get 50% time with them as he is their dad and he has been actively parenting them all their lives right? I hope you live close by and that you two figure out how to get along well!

[M30USA]

How are you non-custodial? Did I miss something?

[Tayla]

If you decide to divorce, your husband will have to get a job in order to support himself. You are not required to support him as a stay at home Dad if you are not married any longer.

 

Get 50/50 custody of your kids and get divorced. You husband sounds like a narcicistic jerk.

please be mindful of making such a statement. there are jurisdictions that can and have sided with the parent who maintained stability thru child rearing. the OP needs proper legal counseling. and yes she very well could get saddled with paying spousal support. funny how the tides are turning... for years the man was the breadwinner and no one batted an eye for the wife seeking spousal support. Only the judge can work for a resolution that is best for the children. the op should get proper advisal.

[norudder]

M30: As Tayla pointed out, since he's been the stay at home dad and can technically still be that for the kids, that is what they have known and the continuation of that routine would be more stable. Its what legal counsel has said is a legitimate concern as well if the judge is gender blind. Doesnt matter whether I've liked it or not. We agreed later in mediation it would be that way, theres no sense spending money fighting about it since it is what theyve known. I am just having an incredibly hard time coping with it. To the point that I'm thinking of calling off the divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can either put up with him to be around my kids or make both myself and my kids sad by continuing down the road of splitting their world apart. Shouldnt their stability come first no matter what? I feel so guilty and selfish for wanting the divorce but gutwrenchingly sad everytime I say goodbye to those little angels with their arms around my neck asking me to stay. I dont know how people do it, I dont think I"m strong enough.

 

While I understand your concerns, anyone who's been divorced from that type of spouse will tell you you're underselling the quality of life after the split. Freed from the tension, drama and pain, you'll be amazed at the difference. And I'll bet you'll be a different mother to your kids.

 

What kind of household do you want them to grow up in ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tobrieornottobrie]

It sounds like you're facing a very difficult situation, I know you mentioned that you tried marriage counseling, would you consider finding an individual counselor for yourself as you are trying to navigate this situation? It may be helpful for you to have a professional to talk to. Do you have any trusted family members that you've talked to about what you are dealing with? Best of luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[jakrbbt]

I was the sole breadwinner in my family. My husband was passive-aggressive. You can read my threads if you're interested. But please know, in my case at least, the pending divorce is far better than a looming and destructive future with him.

 

There are so many ways his disregard for your needs and expectations are bad for you and your children. I don't mean he's causing harm simply by not meeting your needs. Instead, I'll bet that what causes you the greatest amount of emotional duress is when he objects to you even having needs or expectations. You're only 30, and you are the mother of two young children. It is essential that you be able to identify your needs and expectations, know what they are, and not feel stressed about having them-- even if they later turn out to be unfulfilled and even if sometimes you're wrong.

 

And I agree there seem to be fewer women in your situation. Trying to search about divorcing a passive/agressive or high-conflict person, you'll come across lots of unhelpful advice geared toward women who want to get child support from stubborn exes. I have some reading material for you.

 

Only you can decide to divorce. If you stay, don't stay just because you are afraid of what he'll do. That's a bad reason to stay married.

 

Whether you'll get custody, and how much parenting-time you'll get, differs from state to state (are you in the U.S.?). In my state for instance, legal custody is entirely different from parenting-time. In my county, most parents get 50-50 parenting-time, even if one of them used to be the stay-at-home. And in my state (again, yours might differ), legal "custody" only means the ability to call the shots in three areas: school, religion, and non-emergency medical decisions. It is not a way to get money from the other parent or to tell the other person what the kid should eat, et c.

 

And your state likely has statutes that tell judges what to consider when awarding custody or parenting-time. Now, it's true that in some places the court will definitely consider who was a stay-at-home, especially if that made the person a primary caregiver or whatever phrase the statute uses. But I'd be surprised if that's the only consideration. And I'd be very surprised if people were getting awarded custody just because the other parent worked or would have to use daycare. You are going to hear a lot of opinions from people who imagine that a judge will "take" the kids from you because you work. But the legislature writes the laws, and do you really think the legislature wants to subsidize or encourage unemployment? They do not. I got an earful from many people telling me I'd lose custody/parenting time with my son simply because I worked. I think that those people were usually working dads who did not actually understand the reasons that whatever happened in their case happened. Your best bet is to visit a lawyer, lots do first-time visits for free, and just see what are the governing factors that a judge will look at when deciding three things: 1) custody, 2) parenting time, and 3)child support and spousal support. The good news is that the court will most likely be charged with doing what's in the best interests of the child. And they understand that using day care is still parenting (just like sending kids to school is). They understand that the other parent will have to get a job and can't be expected to be a stay-at-home single parent. Stay-at-home parenting is not a personal right, even though it sounds like your H has tried to convince you that it is. It's something that can only happen on the agreement of both parents. That's one reason certain federal programs (like, pre-tax daycare costs) don't apply if you've got a stay-at-home parent.

 

I was terrified that the court in my case would basically penalize me for working, would not understand that I'm an involved parent even though my husband refuses to work, and would be taken in by my husband's half-truths. That fear is hard to live with. But it was not very well-founded: Courts are used to family cases. They get it wrong sometimes, but in general, there is a lot of legislative oversight looking out for the kids.

 

One of the best things I did right away in my separation was to start visiting a family therapist who specializes in kids my son's age. She was used to working with divorced families at all stages. She diffused a lot of fears and helped me guide my son through the change.

 

Also, I have my toddler (he's not even two yet) 50% of the time and it's not nearly as bad as I'd thought. At first, it was very hard. That is normal. But now I can clearly see that it's the frequency of contact rather than the time, that matters for bonding. And the quality of my life is so much better already (I moved out in October). The quality of my son's time with me is better. It doesn't feel like I only have him 50% of the time.

 

Can you work out any flexible hours or telecommute hours at work? That might set the stage for more time with your son, if you do divorce.

 

Reading about passive-aggression stressed me out. But I do find George Simon's books helpful-- "Character Disturbance" and "In Sheep's Clothing." Tells a lot about recognizing manipulation and "covert aggression" and how to detach from it. He has an extensive website too. Do control-shift-"n" to bring up an "incognito" search on your computer for these things, in case your husband snoops, as that will just cause him to get upset and punish you by surprise later. Anyway, another great book on facing this tough time is Brene Brown's "The Gift of Imperfection."

 

And you can follow my threads if you're curious how it's shaping up for me, not sure now similar our situations are but in a nutshell, the courts in my jurisdiction look forward. They look at what's going to be best for the child. They don't reward or punish past behavior that has nothing to do with the kids, they don't vindicate personal rights of the two parties, and they don't try to keep a "status quo" by ensuring that one parent never works even after divorce. Yes, spousal support is a thing, but most people don't understand what it's based on and therefore they misunderstand who will likely have to pay how much. You'll need to find that out from an attorney. Again, all I know is what's in my jurisdiction.

 

Best of luck! I see lots of possibility for a very positive future for you and your kids. Courage.

Edited January 29, 2015 by jakrbbt

[norudder]

While I understand your concerns, anyone who's been divorced from that type of spouse will tell you you're underselling the quality of life after the split. Freed from the tension, drama and pain, you'll be amazed at the difference. And I'll bet you'll be a different mother to your kids.

 

What kind of household do you want them to grow up in ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I do feel more comfortable since he's moved out, less stress and tension and my time with the kids is great, when we're together. Its when we're not that the void becomes unbearable. The not tucking them in every night etc etc. is undermining my optimism for the quality of life because they have been my life. I worry about being a less significant influence for them. Them missing my more nurturing presence. I worry I am sacrificing their emotional well being for my own. Would another 14 years really be so bad? It feels like its going to take 14 years just to get used to this.

[jakrbbt]

and for give me for misunderstanding that you were only separating and deciding whether to divorce. I see it's already been filed.

 

So do you have a lawyer? This isn't a "cover your butt, you have an enemy" question. It's a "plan and see your future" question.

 

In my case, one of the first things we did was create a bunch of week-long "parenting-time" plans. Then we drew up a 60-40 plan just between us, by email. Then H filed for a temporary hearing on parenting-time and we settled on 50-50.

[jakrbbt]

I do feel more comfortable since he's moved out, less stress and tension and my time with the kids is great, when we're together. Its when we're not that the void becomes unbearable. The not tucking them in every night etc etc. is undermining my optimism for the quality of life because they have been my life. I worry about being a less significant influence for them. Them missing my more nurturing presence. I worry I am sacrificing their emotional well being for my own. Would another 14 years really be so bad? It feels like its going to take 14 years just to get used to this.

 

Ah, that.

 

My family therapist (she's brilliant, and experienced, and I'm discerning) told me that if I did not feel that void when my son was away, it would be concerning.

 

You're having a normal reaction. Your kids have a mom (you) with a strong bond and normal heart-strings for them. It's a good sign. Yes, they will weather the change. It will be normal to them before it's normal for you.

 

I watched a lot of netflix at first when alone. The void feeling lasted a month or two.

 

Your children will be great, at least there's no reason to think they won't. Better than 14 more years in an unhealthy family relationship.

[norudder]

It sounds like you're facing a very difficult situation, I know you mentioned that you tried marriage counseling, would you consider finding an individual counselor for yourself as you are trying to navigate this situation? It may be helpful for you to have a professional to talk to. Do you have any trusted family members that you've talked to about what you are dealing with? Best of luck!

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

 

 

Yes Ive been in IC and have been talking with family. We live in the state he is from so he has his family here, our friends have mostly been his coupled up friends from HS. I'm 400 miles from mine. Makes the loneliness a little harder on my side. Thank you for the support.

[norudder]

I was the sole breadwinner in my family. My husband was passive-aggressive. You can read my threads if you're interested. But please know, in my case at least, the pending divorce is far better than a looming and destructive future with him.

 

There are so many ways his disregard for your needs and expectations are bad for you and your children. I don't mean he's causing harm simply by not meeting your needs. Instead, I'll bet that what causes you the greatest amount of emotional duress is when he objects to you even having needs or expectations. You're only 30, and you are the mother of two young children. It is essential that you be able to identify your needs and expectations, know what they are, and not feel stressed about having them-- even if they later turn out to be unfulfilled and even if sometimes you're wrong.

 

And I agree there seem to be fewer women in your situation. Trying to search about divorcing a passive/agressive or high-conflict person, you'll come across lots of unhelpful advice geared toward women who want to get child support from stubborn exes. I have some reading material for you.

 

Only you can decide to divorce. If you stay, don't stay just because you are afraid of what he'll do. That's a bad reason to stay married.

 

Whether you'll get custody, and how much parenting-time you'll get, differs from state to state (are you in the U.S.?). In my state for instance, legal custody is entirely different from parenting-time. In my county, most parents get 50-50 parenting-time, even if one of them used to be the stay-at-home. And in my state (again, yours might differ), legal "custody" only means the ability to call the shots in three areas: school, religion, and non-emergency medical decisions. It is not a way to get money from the other parent or to tell the other person what the kid should eat, et c.

 

And your state likely has statutes that tell judges what to consider when awarding custody or parenting-time. Now, it's true that in some places the court will definitely consider who was a stay-at-home, especially if that made the person a primary caregiver or whatever phrase the statute uses. But I'd be surprised if that's the only consideration. And I'd be very surprised if people were getting awarded custody just because the other parent worked or would have to use daycare. You are going to hear a lot of opinions from people who imagine that a judge will "take" the kids from you because you work. But the legislature writes the laws, and do you really think the legislature wants to subsidize or encourage unemployment? They do not. I got an earful from many people telling me I'd lose custody/parenting time with my son simply because I worked. I think that those people were usually working dads who did not actually understand the reasons that whatever happened in their case happened. Your best bet is to visit a lawyer, lots do first-time visits for free, and just see what are the governing factors that a judge will look at when deciding three things: 1) custody, 2) parenting time, and 3)child support and spousal support. The good news is that the court will most likely be charged with doing what's in the best interests of the child. And they understand that using day care is still parenting (just like sending kids to school is). They understand that the other parent will have to get a job and can't be expected to be a stay-at-home single parent. Stay-at-home parenting is not a personal right, even though it sounds like your H has tried to convince you that it is. It's something that can only happen on the agreement of both parents. That's one reason certain federal programs (like, pre-tax daycare costs) don't apply if you've got a stay-at-home parent.

 

I was terrified that the court in my case would basically penalize me for working, would not understand that I'm an involved parent even though my husband refuses to work, and would be taken in by my husband's half-truths. That fear is hard to live with. But it was not very well-founded: Courts are used to family cases. They get it wrong sometimes, but in general, there is a lot of legislative oversight looking out for the kids.

 

One of the best things I did right away in my separation was to start visiting a family therapist who specializes in kids my son's age. She was used to working with divorced families at all stages. She diffused a lot of fears and helped me guide my son through the change.

 

Also, I have my toddler (he's not even two yet) 50% of the time and it's not nearly as bad as I'd thought. At first, it was very hard. That is normal. But now I can clearly see that it's the frequency of contact rather than the time, that matters for bonding. And the quality of my life is so much better already (I moved out in October). The quality of my son's time with me is better. It doesn't feel like I only have him 50% of the time.

 

Can you work out any flexible hours or telecommute hours at work? That might set the stage for more time with your son, if you do divorce.

 

Reading about passive-aggression stressed me out. But I do find George Simon's books helpful-- "Character Disturbance" and "In Sheep's Clothing." Tells a lot about recognizing manipulation and "covert aggression" and how to detach from it. He has an extensive website too. Do control-shift-"n" to bring up an "incognito" search on your computer for these things, in case your husband snoops, as that will just cause him to get upset and punish you by surprise later. Anyway, another great book on facing this tough time is Brene Brown's "The Gift of Imperfection."

 

And you can follow my threads if you're curious how it's shaping up for me, not sure now similar our situations are but in a nutshell, the courts in my jurisdiction look forward. They look at what's going to be best for the child. They don't reward or punish past behavior that has nothing to do with the kids, they don't vindicate personal rights of the two parties, and they don't try to keep a "status quo" by ensuring that one parent never works even after divorce. Yes, spousal support is a thing, but most people don't understand what it's based on and therefore they misunderstand who will likely have to pay how much. You'll need to find that out from an attorney. Again, all I know is what's in my jurisdiction.

 

Best of luck! I see lots of possibility for a very positive future for you and your kids. Courage.

 

Yes, to all the bold. I am very concerned about being penalized for working. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but a family cant function with two parents not working. Your story is bolstering my spirits. Thank you for sharing. I'll read up your threads and look into the books you recommend.

 

It has only been a month. I have the TV on ALL the time to fill the silence. Thank you for your insights from being a bit further down the road already.

Ive done a couple free consults but neither of us can afford a lawyer. We're trying to mediate the parent plan.

Edited January 29, 2015 by norudder

[Mr. Lucky]

Would another 14 years really be so bad?

 

If you mean bad for your kids then yes, given the stressful dynamic you've described, another 14 years would be bad...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

M30: As Tayla pointed out, since he's been the stay at home dad and can technically still be that for the kids, that is what they have known and the continuation of that routine would be more stable. Its what legal counsel has said is a legitimate concern as well if the judge is gender blind. Doesnt matter whether I've liked it or not. We agreed later in mediation it would be that way, theres no sense spending money fighting about it since it is what theyve known. I am just having an incredibly hard time coping with it. To the point that I'm thinking of calling off the divorce.

 

Wait, what?!

 

You've had way too little legal advice to settle for less than 50 per cent parenting time. The kids do need stability, but that doesn't mean you keep the percentage of time the same, because it's very different when one patent c isn't even in the home anymore. Please, at the very least, see a family/child counselor about c this.

 

Any chance your passive aggressive h has manipulated you into capitulating on this? Or that you're desperately trying to appease him to avoid the ambush punishment?

Please read "In Sheep's Clothing" if you can.

[LifeNomad]

from a dads point of view, my kids stay with their mom, I see them a few times a week and they stay over once or twice a week, it took months for me to realize this, but kids are stronger then parents are, kids are way stronger than we think, they are survivors. The kids may be our world, but we are not theirs, the kids revolve around us, but we don't revolve around them, they have so many things going on in their mind and don't constantly think about us like we do about them.

 

 

they will be fine, wont be the firstt and wont be the last, whatever time you have with them you make it count, make them laugh, run and play with them, climb up the playground at the park,