Gemini611 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I've posted before. I've learned a lot since then. It's worse than I previously thought because now I'm starting to understand what I'm really dealing with. I was able to find a counselor through my employer EAP program and although my wife has refused to go as of yet--twice, I have been able to give the counselor some idea of what is going on. I felt reluctant to talk to her at first but she assured me she's plenty experienced at reading people….and how. Basically, my wife shows some NPD/BPD traits that have really shown up since my daughter aged into her teens. Little parts have been going on for years but I chalked that up to emotions, female stuff, etc.. It has almost turned into symbiotic attachment to my daughter---living vicariously in her life. Please don't misunderstand me as I make no claim to be blameless, but basically I grew up around similar traits with my mother (though nothing like this) and I guess I just didn't see it 19 years ago. So, at 46 I'm starting to figure this out and its leaving me very conflicted and anxious about what to do. Thankfully, my kids are 13 and 17 but I'm still afraid for them and worried as to how this will turn out. Deep down I know that I must resolve it for their sake (and mine--hopefully hers too..) but I've never been so damn seemingly paralyzed about something in my life. Maybe its just naturally unfolding at an agonizing pace? Basically, as I've begun to figure this out my wife seems to have become keen to the fact that I am on to her in whatever way an NPD/BPD type does. Subconscious I guess? When she's tolerable, its almost cringe inducing because you know its temporary. It has made things even more distant and affectionless than they were and I'll claim my 50% of that without hesitation. Coming to the realization of what we are all living with has made it impossible to look at her the same way and that really hurts. I wish she could see it. Counseling has made it pretty clear that trying to talk to her will only make "the volcano erupt". I don't know what to do. Anyone dealt with this? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I would recommend you do some reading at BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder depending on your relationship length your personal boundaries could be weak. Breakups with people with BPD or even strong stable traits can be dangerous, traumatic and confusing. I dumped a cheating girlfriend only to discover the fog being lifted from my eyes. Like you my ex exhibited strong bpd/npd traits and I chalked a lot of it up to female stuff and quirkiness. I highly recommend that website and the materials there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini611 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Thanks. Yeah, its kinda like that now but I'm confident its just getting started. I can see it coming. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gemini611 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Have done some reading on the link and I can say without hesitation that I am probably not emotionally well equipped to handle confronting this with her. I can't handle an affectionless/sexless marriage. I've already got that. In fact, the counselor I've seen says its basically two things 1) You can set boundaries and live with it or 2) You can separate/divorce. It was suggested by the counselor that I read "Loving The Self-Absorbed". It was gut wrenching to read in so many places. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Continue with the counseling for yourself either way. If my kids were that old I would worry only about myself and them in a good way, seeking sources of happiness other than the marriage (no affairs) and put up with it a few more years before confronting what to do with the marriage when its just the two of you. Good luck. I wish you peace. Link to post Share on other sites
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