One more week and chickening out...

[limited]

I have less than a week left to move to my new apartment and I keep finding myself feeling like I'm chickening out again. Like I know I must leave, but I only want to stay because being alone is scary after being with someone for so long even though the relationship was basically loveless. Also, STBXH went over to sleep at his brother's house for two nights and our 5 year old son kept asking about his dad. I felt bad because I know it will be hard on him.

 

A part of me feels selfish for wanting to break free from him and from over a decade of emotional turmoil and for wanting my own happiness, but I feel like this is the only way to get myself back. Ever since I married him, I haven't been myself. I have a lot of love to give, but I can't and won't love him because of how he treated me.

 

This is what I wrote 2 years ago and I'm chickening out again. I must have the courage to leave. My marriage reminds me of how my dad treated my mom, but she stayed for the sake of her children. Looking back, I wished she would've left so I didn't have to witness my dad's abuse towards my mom. So, why do I feel so weak?

 

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years.A few months after our wedding, he said some words that shattered the love thatI once had for him. I was minding my own business, working on my laptop when hewalked pass by me in our living room and said out loud, “You have an ugly face!” It took me by surprise because I haven’t done anything to make him say such words at me. I replied back, “You’re so mean,” and he said, “It’s the truth!” I later went to sleep that night in tears and knowing that I had Ididn’t love him anymore.

 

Why those words hurt me so much is because I grew up with some ofmy loved ones (father, uncle, brother, etc.) telling me the same things overand over. I have two very beautiful sisters and mother and I do not look likethem. I am basically the ugly duckling in the family as my dad literally walked out on me when I was born because he saw that I wasn’t a pretty baby. I was told this many times by my mother and grandmother and my father never denied it. Over the years, I tried not to show my insecurities. I know that I am not the prettiest, but I try to act like a confident person IRL. Never in my mind would I ever tell anyone how ugly they are no matter how much I dislike that person. I don’t have a lot of hate in me so it leaves me dumbfounded when people put that much hate out there. I cried each time those people that were supposed to love me hurt me with their words, but then I would just move on andkeep the hurt to myself. What my husband did, though, just confirmed everything that everyone ever said. It was then that I finally accepted that I am ugly. So ugly that every time my husband looks at me now, I am reminded of how ugly Iam. So ugly that I have very little self esteem left.

 

I contemplated leaving him right after that event, but I thoughtto myself that I just got married. What would I say to everyone? What would Ido? Well fast forward 10 years and I regretted not leaving him then. He is a veryhandsome man physically, but over the years, I have discovered how ugly he ison the inside. More emotional abuse occurred. Basically, my name is b*tch tohim. On my first mother’s day (we now have a 3 year old together), my sister sent me flowers and I thought it was from him. I blurted out, “You got me flowers?” and was pleasantly surprised only for him to say, “Why would I buyyou flowers B*tch!” A year ago when I quit my job to stay home with our son, Iwas treated like a slave and prisoner. Even when I went out to get groceries,he would call me a wh*re just for doing that because my job was to just stay home and watch our son. That year got so bad then I even thought about suicide because suicide would’ve been easier than to live or divorce him. I tried leaving him before, but hell would always break loose.

 

So fast forward to September 2012, I finally had the nerve to kick him out and tell him that I was divorcing him. It did not go as planned and he is now back home. He promises me he will change this time. Of course he hasgotten nicer to me, but he’s always like this after we have a big fight andthen he goes back to his ugly self again. I don’t know how long he’ll be niceto me, but I know this is not the usual him. We are currently living together like things have been reconciled and we are at peace again. This is the firsttime I have really brought up divorce to him and he finally gets it (or so heacts like it). However, I still have it in the back of my mind that this is just another one of those events and he will go back to his ugly self, and that people don’t change. In the back of my mind, I’m still secretly planning to get out.

 

When I told him why I was leaving him (the emotional abuse), he never apologized or anything. Instead, he put the blame back on me and said that I was leaving for the stupidest reasons out there. “I don’t cheat, drink or do drugs…” he says. He says that I am being selfish for leaving because we have a child together and the impact our divorce would have on him.

 

Being with someone this long has left me in fear of being alone even if he does not love me the way I want to be loved. I’m also afraid of how our divorce will affect our son and how I'll be living paycheck to paycheck. Am I being selfish for wanting better happiness? Does it not exist and should I just accept what I have now? I don't know what happened to me. I used to be such a strong, independent woman.

Edited January 26, 2015 by limited

[Yasuandio]

Do not be afraid, Sweetheart, you are already alone. Yas

[81West]

You owe it to yourself - and especially to your son - to try to follow through with what you plan. Our children learn so much more from what we do than what we say. You can't allow this marriage you have to stand as an example of what marriage should be, or of what you are worth or how you should be treated.

 

Your fear is so, so normal and so very expected. Fear however is usually a terrible guide for choices. Often the fact that something is very, very hard is our best signpost to knowing that it is the right thing.

 

Please move forward with your plans and come here for support. I for one promise that I will be here to always listen, to never judge and to encourage you over the really hard parts.

[storminirish]

I'm new to this site and this is my very first posting. I read your story and it brought tears to my eyes. How can anyone be so cold hearted to another human being let alone someone they professed to love on their wedding day. I myself am going through a divorce. In my case my wife cheated on me with another MM. This was the second time she has done it in our 16 year marriage. The first time I forgave....the second time I had learned my lesson and had her legally removed from the family home and am now just running down the 1 year separation period required in my state before you can file for a divorce. I also have two teenage daughters. While my story differs from you as regards infidelity in my situation, they are similar in that you have already given him a second chance. A leopard does not change its spots. I know it's scary at the though of been alone or thinking about your child or finances. Believe me, I have gone through all of that and still have sleepless nights 6 months later after we finally separated. However, this is something you must do or you will regret it for the rest of your life. You deserve to be respected and not have your self esteem shot and that is all you will get. Anyone who can call someone such names is despicable. I wouldn't expect it in a school playground let alone from an adult. Stay strong and hold your head up high each and every day.

[Babs22]

No one should be spoken to the way your husband speaks to you. You are right, you should have left him after he made the comment about your face. Why did he marry you if that is how he felt? I think it is because he felt he could do and say whatever he wants and he felt you were so weak, you would never put a stop to it. You need to leave for yourself and for your son. You do not want your son to grow up thinking it is ok to treat others this way. You are strong and you can do this. You will find love someday, a love that you don't have now. Yes, you will be alone, but that is far better than being with someone who treats you so badly. I wish you luck and I really hope that you do leave him. He does not deserve you.

[ArtIsMyThing]

I have to tell you that reading your story bought me to tears - how cruel the people in your world are. How damn cruel. I am so sorry your living thru this.

 

As you have discovered - beauty is on the inside and your husband is very very ugly.

 

How could he call you ugly, and all those other words. Narcissist comes to mind.

 

Soon your son will call you those words and soon he will be ugly on the inside because he will reflect what his dad teaches him and what his mum allows - don't allow this please. Teach him to be a man.

 

I hate that you think you are ugly. I really do not like that you feel that way about yourself and that others have made you feel that way.

 

The people who should have loved you devalued you - please dont allow your son to be taught that.

 

Run - go get your place - run and please i dont care what you look like - please dont think yourself ugly. Just run.

[norudder]

I'm figuring out being on my own after a decade. It is intimidating. You will start to feel more like yourself again. I dont miss him. I miss my kids and the idea of the family I wanted us to have. It sounds like your son will be with you though. All the better. Get a support system for yourself, IRL in addition to the support here. A counselor, divorce group, strong women friends.