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Why won't he get his stuff?


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Stbxh left 6 months ago, divorce is filed - not over. He has quite a bit of stuff left here, that he refuses to come get. 2 things are very very large and can't be moved, I would need to hire a professional to move them. The other problem is, I'm not allowed to do away with his or my things, until divorce is final. The only way I can get rid of them is, if he gives me permission or takes them. I've asked him several times to please come get the stuff - and he won't do it. He either ignores me, or tells me one of two things "I prefer waiting until things are final" and/or "I will come box up what I can and put them in the basement".

 

I've asked my attorney what I can do about it, and all she says is "You have to get his permission, you can't sell it - you'd be in violation of divorce orders" - basically in our county, you are told when you file (both parties) that everything is on a freeze until things are settled. You can't sell, give away, buy, trade, etc. your things.

 

The problem is, I wasn't the one who wanted this divorce - he cheated, and filed divorce. He up and moved out, and leaving all memories behind to begin new memories - and, here my son and I are stuck with the old memories slapping us in the face everyday we wake up.

 

I have explained that to him, hoping he would have an ounce of mercy on me and his child, but no. The most he will say is "I'll come over soon and box it up and put it in the basement". To which I say, That would be great - thanks. At least then it is out of sight/out of mind. Even though I don't know why he can't just take it with him. 6 months later... it's all still here.

 

Why won't he take it? Why does it have to stay here, or go in my basement? Since when is it fair that you cheat on your wife, but you continue using them as a storage unit for your things and mail? He won't have his mail stop coming here either.

 

He clearly wants this marriage to be over, filing for divorce. I didn't. He knows I don't want this marriage to be over, I broke the NC rule many many times over the last 6 months.

 

He won't even let me sell my things. We have a lot of furniture we bought together, and had fun doing so. It's all older furniture now, so I've decided to sell it - get rid of ALL memories. It's the only want I think I'm able to move on - and he won't even let me sell my stuff. I even told him, listen if you want the stuff say so - come take it, I don't care. I just don't want it here. He says he doesn't want it, but that we should probably wait until everything is final.

 

Why????

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I literally feel like if things don't start happening, that I'm going to go through some kind of nervous breakdown. I've never felt so helpless and hopeless in all of my life.

 

How can you be married to someone for 14 years like that, and share a beautiful child who is a good kid - never a problem - and just up and forget about their well being. We never did anything to cause this. If I did, he won't tell me what that is. How can you just flip a switch? He obviously flipped a switch... Why can't I find mine?

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Hang-on itus....

 

IMO, if not duly inconvenienced, simply consign the stuff to a convenient location on-site and fuggetaboutit until the divorce is final. TBH, our MSA never got down to brickabrack and our court couldn't care less about that kind of stuff but if you folks are contentious and lawyers are pissing at each other, better to leave everything and then start charging him storage fees once the D is final and sell the stuff to pay the storage fees if he doesn't respond to your demand letter.

 

Most people, absent lack of space to put things, do this to provide more reasons to interact, hanging on. When one is done, the MO is to divide it up, get it out and move on. He's not done, or he has no space. That's my opinion as a divorced guy who, yup, had an affair. I was done though. We had no such issues.

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One more thing... Facebook. This one is VERY very hard for me. He used to almost NEVER use Facebook, I think he signed up for it in 2009 maybe, and if he got on there maybe 10 times - that is a miracle. Seriously, never. However, since he left - he signs on to FB. He doesn't post anything, he just gets on there. I think it's to look at what I'm doing, posting, etc. I am an active FB'er. I can see when he is on, how long ago, etc - because we are Friends on FB from back when he opened it. Obviously changed my status from married, to leaving that blank. He did the same thing after I did. So, that tells me, he is looking at my account.

 

Anyway - I've finally managed to go on there and unfriend everyone who is a part of his family, or friends of his. I felt good about doing that - but him - I can't manage to delete/unfriend him. I don't know if that is smart to do. I want him back you see. I won't deny that. It's not like he is posting things that hurt me, or upset me. He doesn't do that.

 

But, I like the idea that he can see what I post.. b/c I try to make posts that show my son and I having a great time - pictures, stories, etc. I feel like, maybe its a slap in the face to him - see how good we're doing. If I unfriend him, he won't see that anymore.

 

What is the best way? What would make him worse mad... seeing us having fun, or unfriending him?

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Tell him you're donating his things to good will and they will be picked up by next weekend if he hasn't removed them by that time.

 

That gives him the deadline and it's on him if he hasn't removed what he intends to take.

 

Unfriendly him on FB. - and block him completely so you don't see his crap.

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If it were me.. I would give notice thru attorneys that if it wasn't picked up by xyz date then you will hire movers and put it in a storage facility under his name and pay the first months rent and then he is on his own.

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evanescentworld

Akeru, I know this is difficult advice to follow, but you have to try to separate the emotional feelings you have for things, from the practical common sense decisions needed to evaluate the situation with a level head.

 

At the moment, all I see in your posts is a complete mish-mash of both.

 

Look at the situations you are stressing over.

Before you have a nervous break-down, sit down with a good friend, and spill your guts to her/him.

 

Then ask him/her, as you 'dictate' whatever's 'wrong' (everything, in fact, you've relayed in your above posts), to separate the issues under 2 columns.

 

'Emotional' and 'Practical'.

 

Now look at the Practical column and decide - logically and sensibly - what you can do about the things listed there.

Deal with things in a level-headed, matter-of-fact way.

Scrutinise your options, and implement those best FOR YOU.

 

As for facebook?

Dammit, just block him.

Simple.

You really need to stop giving a damn what he will think, see, conclude... this isn't about his well-being, it's about yours.

Who gives a flying fig about his opinion?

 

Block him and don't worry about what he does or how he reacts.

 

Goodness, he's probably sitting there, laughing at you, realising you haven't got the nerve to do the obvious!

So he's feeding on your weakness!

 

And you and your son are having a great time for your benefits and happiness. Not his. He probably doesn't care as much as you hope he does.

 

So just block him, he's not a good audience to cultivate....

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One more thing... Facebook. This one is VERY very hard for me. He used to almost NEVER use Facebook, I think he signed up for it in 2009 maybe, and if he got on there maybe 10 times - that is a miracle. Seriously, never. However, since he left - he signs on to FB. He doesn't post anything, he just gets on there. I think it's to look at what I'm doing, posting, etc. I am an active FB'er. I can see when he is on, how long ago, etc - because we are Friends on FB from back when he opened it. Obviously changed my status from married, to leaving that blank. He did the same thing after I did. So, that tells me, he is looking at my account.

 

Anyway - I've finally managed to go on there and unfriend everyone who is a part of his family, or friends of his. I felt good about doing that - but him - I can't manage to delete/unfriend him. I don't know if that is smart to do. I want him back you see. I won't deny that. It's not like he is posting things that hurt me, or upset me. He doesn't do that.

 

But, I like the idea that he can see what I post.. b/c I try to make posts that show my son and I having a great time - pictures, stories, etc. I feel like, maybe its a slap in the face to him - see how good we're doing. If I unfriend him, he won't see that anymore.

 

What is the best way? What would make him worse mad... seeing us having fun, or unfriending him?

 

If he cared, he would not have left. He doesn't care. Sure, maybe he looks at the page, that is normal. So block him, un-friend him, etc. He has not proven to be your friend.

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tell him hes got a week to get his stuff .or your'll just put it all out with the trash

 

as for facebook . from what you put .you are acting like a kid.

 

get off facebook. stop procrastinating

get your arse in gear

aM

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One more thing... Facebook. This one is VERY very hard for me. He used to almost NEVER use Facebook, I think he signed up for it in 2009 maybe, and if he got on there maybe 10 times - that is a miracle. Seriously, never. However, since he left - he signs on to FB. He doesn't post anything, he just gets on there. I think it's to look at what I'm doing, posting, etc. I am an active FB'er. I can see when he is on, how long ago, etc - because we are Friends on FB from back when he opened it. Obviously changed my status from married, to leaving that blank. He did the same thing after I did. So, that tells me, he is looking at my account.

 

Anyway - I've finally managed to go on there and unfriend everyone who is a part of his family, or friends of his. I felt good about doing that - but him - I can't manage to delete/unfriend him. I don't know if that is smart to do. I want him back you see. I won't deny that. It's not like he is posting things that hurt me, or upset me. He doesn't do that.

 

But, I like the idea that he can see what I post.. b/c I try to make posts that show my son and I having a great time - pictures, stories, etc. I feel like, maybe its a slap in the face to him - see how good we're doing. If I unfriend him, he won't see that anymore.

 

What is the best way? What would make him worse mad... seeing us having fun, or unfriending him?

 

Why should he be bothered to come get his stuff? He is doing without it and likely knows you won's burn it or trash it or give it away.

 

He is not leaving the stuff there because he plans to come back. He is leaving it because it constitutes free storage. If he wants or needs something from this stuff, he will come for it quick enough.

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It's time to block. I also think hiring a mover and sending his stuff to storage that you pay for thirty days only is a good course of action.

 

 

Bill it to the divorce and start focusing on you. Why are you doing this etc. Not him. Self care is your priority.

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Your letting him control the situation. you need to take control. if you can move his stuff to storage I would suggest that. It hurts, when you start packing his crap it will hurt. But it has to be done. He will sooner or later realize what hes done.

 

 

See what other options your lawyer has available that you can do.

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